SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TOC, while you're taking one last look at the house and before you pack up, it would probably be a good idea to take lots of pictures of the place. First, so you can remember it, but also to protect yourself in case WH and/or OW decide to trash the place. (Also maybe take another set of pictures after you get your stuff out.)

Foley05 -

BRILLIANT! Yes, I will take before and after pictures. Never hurts to play it on the safe side.

Waitedwaytoolong:

I remained almost totally dark for 4 days and it was way more effective than any yelling or whatever I would have done if I came right home.

I read your bio - I'm sorry for your situation but your results and the way you always held the upper hand is what I hope to achieve. At this point I don't plan to offer my WH the chance for R. As you probably read, I have already filed for D. I do hope it kicks his feet out from under him. I hope it makes him pull his head out of his ass and now as i am getting closer to the big showdown, I hope it also rocks her world the way it rocked your WW's AP's world. Damn right I hope this fucks her up. I'm sorry you still wonder. That's a big lesson and take away for me. Yes, I would hate to wonder, too. I hope you find your answers. Thank you.

You mentioned that he had not texted OW for 1.5 days. Did you check to see if he has texted her since then? Maybe he ended the A as discussed with his friend.

TOC, my commenting here is totally unnecessary as you've clearly "got this."

I, like others, just want you to know you have this shitstorm by the b*lls! Regardless of what you ultimately decide, you're hand is unbeatable. You're steering the ship.

And ooohh to be a fly on the wall when your unsuspecting WH arrives and puts the pieces together. Shock and awe.

Also glad to see you have a strong network of friends and family to lean on. I wouldn't have survived without mine.

Keep on keeping on, TOC.

BRILLIANT!

Thanks, but credit two of our kids, who moved this year and went through this routine. They like having the memories and their landlords knew not to try to screw them over on the security deposits.

SI Family -

I can't sleep. Gee, I wonder why? It's now finally showdown day. Close to 4AM here in Spain. I know that soon so many of the questions that have been haunting me this last week will finally be answered. I know my life is going to change in a way I never saw coming just over a week ago. I know my WH's world is going to be rocked nearly as bad as mine was.

I have been sitting here really freaking out about his reaction(s). I'm thinking how it will go down and how I should react to each scenario. I have to make sure I always keep the upper hand.

So, I'm pretty sure he is going to be really pissed off at me at some point but I will make sure he never forgets it would be impossible for him to reach my level of pissed-off-ness.

He may cry and it might make me want to soothe him. I'll think back to my total inability to control my crying yesterday and how sore I am from all the shaking and trembling and I'll make sure he knows he could never feel the depth of my sadness at the hands of the one who was supposed to have my back in this mean, cruel world. He'll never feel as lonely as did yesterday crying all alone away from any support system.

He might feel like he's losing his mind but he'll never understand how insane and crazy it has been this past week carrying this burden around and trying to hold it together under so much professional responsibility while I was alone, in a foreign land, trying to keep my life together. Fucking insane!

I'm always going to play the "hey, I can top that story, that feeling you're going through...welcome to my fucking life that you fucking created!!! You'll never know how bad it can really be so stop bitching, crying, moaning, whatever it is, to me!" And if says he is disappointed in me? Well, I'll fucking go Reagan from the Exorcist on him if he ever dares to make such a ridiculous statement like that to me.

This is all about mentally preparing for the scene that will be unfolding soon. I am still firm in my belief this is the best way to handle it for me and my situation. I know it's extreme but I keep reading over and over that the WS needs to be shocked back into reality. Well, damn. I sure hope this feels like electric shock for him.

I'm still scared, I guess mostly from what the truth is going to be but I'm also human. I don't like confrontation so I am thankful there is so much physical distance between us. No matter what, I am not going to like the truth but at least I finally can get to the next stage - my healing stage. At this point it's a relief. Is the truth that he comes clean? Based on most people's stories here, it's doubtful but at least I'll know more about the man I married and can start to pick up my broken pieces, glue myself back together and move on. I won't waste time on half-truths, omissions and more lies. He'll know I'm checked out and he can't hurt me anymore or waste anymore of my time.

On some positive news, I think I found a pretty awesome place to rent, at least it looks awesome on the internet. It's a fully furnished guest house on what looks like a beautiful estate in a cool part of town. It's in a gated community so I like that extra level of protection in this vulnerable time of my life. I'm waiting for the owner to confirm my request for renting it. I asked for 6 weeks. I figure that gives me time to get my bearings and find a more permanent situation without having to rush and make a decision under so much pressure. I am also thinking that I have options to move outside of my current state and even country, too. I could consider working abroad. My company has offices outside the US. I could ask for a foreign assignment and go off on a big adventure. My kids are grown. I have nothing tying me down. It sounded kind of exciting when I thought of it. I'm going to ask some questions about it when I get back to work.

I have been thinking about that vacation/retreat for me and I decided I won't go as remote as I had been thinking. It has sucked beyond my ability to describe to have been so far from home and so alone this last week under these circumstances. So I'm going to find a spa in the Napa - Calistoga area and when/if a few of my closest girlfriends might be able to join me there, I am going to offer to pay for them. I hope I can have a few friends around but I will have at least a few days on my own, too. Healing time. Far enough away but close enough to my lifelines. It is something I always wanted to do but haven't gotten around to yet. I was leaning heavily to an isolated safari in South Africa. I really wanted to do that, convene with nature, be in awe of the big, wide world. But then the idea of another long, long, long flight was just too much for me so Napa/spa retreat it shall be.

Also, I looked at my Facebook page, looked at our pictures together, the things we have done together, scrutinized his updates (boring), my past updates and wandered what his interactions were with his AP during those times - then I blocked him! Same on Instagram. Same on my mobile phone. I can still call him right? I guess I'll find out.

Based on some things said here, I also checked our bank account just because. I was looking for signs he might have used any money there for her. Nothing unusual. All good there. And then I looked at our phone bill and things are still quiet there which surprised me. I figure/assume they spent the last days/nights together because I might as well think the very worst. I guess what surprises me are no texts as he was leaving, when I knew he was at the airport and that morning of. Gosh, maybe he is being sensitive to her feelings as I imagine she must be feeling crappy knowing he is going on vacation with his wife. Poor thing. If this is true, how nice of him to be so thoughtful and not rub salt in her wound. He's so special.

OK. This helped kill some time for me so now I am going to get out of bed, take a nice long bath and get ready for this shit storm of a day that lies before me. FML! FML!! FML!!!

Thank you to each and every one of you for getting me to this point. No idea what the next update will be like but I will do my best to get one to you sooner as opposed to later. Forgive me in advance if it might take some time.

(TIC) TOC.

TOC, you've got things well in hand. I know it feels like chaos anyway, but you are doing great.

Just a thought to keep in mind. You want something from WH, either now or in the near future. You will want the truth of the matter. At the same time, your WH will want to regain control of his destiny. It is inevitable. He will use your want to try to manipulate things to satisfy his need. Again, inevitable. Human nature. Be mindful of this when you talk with him. In general, the less you want from him, the quicker you detach. A willingness to just walk away and know nothing of the story will help you detach and move on, and will leave him utterly adrift, both good outcomes. In short, he does not deserve to know you care. He does not deserve your heart.

Anyway, just another fan cheering from the cheap seats. Sending strength!

Are you flying back to the US now?

Stay strong. You are an amazing woman, that is obvious. You have handled this like a boss. I think having this week to digest it all and come up with a game plan has been golden for you. I'm glad you are so confident in yourself and won't take any shit. So many of us didn't have that inner strength and confidence on Dday. It has served you well and will continue to do so.

I'm sure you are on pins and needles right now. I can't imagine the stress. I'm impressed that you were able to function at work so well this week. Good for you! You have my admiration and respect.

I can't help but wonder if he had an "oh shit" moment after he sent that text. Maybe IT was that he was ending it. Or that IT was that he would confess. I'm guessing the lack of contact may mean he actually did end it. Unfortunately for him, he's just too late. Hard to believe what he gave up with his poor choices. He's just an idiot. That reality is about to bit him between the eyes.

So glad your kids are awesome and helping you out. Your friends are all the bomb as well. All that will help you wade through this shitstorm.

We will all be with you ... Sending positive mojo and continued courage. You rock!!!!

Alaska:

Are you flying back to the US now?

My flight leaves about 5 hours from now, the first leg. WH will land in London about 2:00 UK time. He has to wait about 3 hours before I can call him if my timeline is figured out right. That should make him sweat. I have about a 2.5 hour layover in NY before I connect home. Figuring this all out with the time zones and flight times make my head swim but I figure between 5-6:00 PM his time (London time) he will be hearing from me. I'm glad he'll be jet-lagged. It will throw him off balance even more.

Any chance you're coming to Denver?

F**k, I'm getting nervous for you.

It wouldn't be too stalkerish if I showed up at JFK around 10am, nonchalantly strolling around International Arrivals, right?

StillStanding:

I can't help but wonder if he had an "oh shit" moment after he sent that text. Maybe IT was that he was ending it. Or that IT was that he would confess. I'm guessing the lack of contact may mean he actually did end it. Unfortunately for him, he's just too late. Hard to believe what he gave up with his poor choices. He's just an idiot. That reality is about to bit him between the eyes.

I have thought about this a LOT. What did he think after he realized he sent that message to me? I hope he was freaked out. I hope every time he was with her this week he thought of that - that sick moment when he realized he sent that fucking gross text to his wife and not his AP. I have to hope it freaked him out because it makes it that much better for me. I hope he pissed his pants. I hope he shocked himself into "OMG, what the fuck am I doing?" I hope it makes his dick shrivel when he's "in her." (Sorry, now I'm being gross but still, I hope that's the effect it has.)

Someone else on here pointed out that when he is with her he wouldn't be texting her. Since I'm away there is no reason for him not to be with her so I am taking the position he was with her these last few days - probably fucking all over our/his house, having their good-bye fill of each other so he could struggle through 2.5 weeks of being on vacation in Europe with his wife and not his AP, his paramour, the woman who makes him light-headed and gives him butterflies xox.

That is what I choose to believe at this moment because that image is what will power me through this crap of a day the sits before me. Maybe he can fly her out to help soothe him. Actually, maybe he'll be ecstatic and do just that. He'll be surprised when he finds out every detail of the trip we had planned is canceled and he'll have to fend for himself. Oh, and I'll be looking to recover all those cancel fees in the divorce! I already sent those amounts to my lawyer. That shit wasn't cheap!

ILoveJoe - you are hilarious. Even I would want to be a fly on the wall of my life right now! I'll be feeling your strength as I go through it because the shit will be going down from JFK for me. Send strength vibes my way, please!

Alaska - no Denver. Sorry.

Damn.....this is indescribable! You've become a hero to me and my wife! I read, and then I tell her about it. I haven't posted until now....just wanted you to know that you're in both our prayers. Stay strong!

TOC

Girl, you do have it going on! Good that you are playing in your mind every scenario; you've read enough here to make you aware of the variety of ways a WS will try and deal with being outed.

Just thinking about the scenarios, have you thought about his going with Gaslighting: "What crazy thing have you done! I'm here in London and you've left!!! What text?? That text??? Its not what you think!!! OMG you did all this based on misinterpreting that text!!! I thought you loved me, and we were solid!!!" & etc.

Your reality certainly is: the repeated calls to an unknown (to you) number. His taking his opportunity to delete the text from his phone.

It may seem impossible that he could go with outright denial, but its amazing the Hail Mary passes with implausible explanations they will come up with, mixed with "You, the BS, are insane to have reacted like this!!"

If he does try to pull this, it will be infuriating. Arguing the truth you know might make you feel crazy, indeed. Just know that its one of the ploys a WS will use.

Have as good a flight as you possibly can. May the Frequent Flyer God bless you with an upgrade. May all you luggage be first on the belt, and all in a row.

Teagen:

TurnOtherCheek, I have mad respect for your stregnth. I love how you are sticking to YOUR values, what is and isn't acceptable to you. My WH was forced to write out a timeline and pay for a poly to make sure his timeline was honest, and get tested for STD's. TT lasted about a month. He did pass the poly at least.

In hindsight, I am honestly disgusted with myself that I didn't just serve him. We have young kids and are financially dependent on each other. I hate my dependability. Just reading everything you have done is making me wonder if I should leave the WH all over again.

Keep posting, you are helping some of us so much.

I'm sorry about your situation but everyone's story is different and no two outcomes are the same. My circumstances are so different and I have the benefit of experience (age :) ) and with no young children at home.

Please don't be disgusted with yourself. My first divorce was ugly, I did stupid things, I begged (UGH!) and I tried to make him love me more, all while I knew our marriage was total crap. I was not a fool but I did act foolish. I take a lot from that experience and I am plugging it in here....sadly, again! Honestly, I would rather walk away than go through that again with my WH. Please take care of you and please, don't be so hard on yourself.

Rooting here for you TOC.

You have got this!! 😊😊😊