SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He's a disgusting pig but at least he was honest about his past.

He destroyed your son's life too.

Divorce, move on and if your son doesn't want anything to do with him, cool. If I was your son, Dad would be floating in a river so your husband is lucky to be safe.

Wow, what a lie you lived. There is nothing worth saving. Divorce and find better

He's a disgusting pig but at least he was honest about his past.

Was he?

He's admitted to three affairs and banging his son's fiancee.

This leads any rational person to wonder what else he might be lying about.

He admitted to having 2 LTA's and ONS's? I'm so sorry NYgirl, the amount of betrayal you have to deal with is staggering. You sound strong though, and I give you so much credit for that. The weight of everything you're dealing with must be incredible.

This is all truly stunning and I don't even know what to say to help you. I wish I did.

Holy crap.

To have to go through this is awful and to have to see your son suffer so much is even worse. Just know that words cannot express how sorry I am that y'all are going through this.

On the other hand, you are awesome! I know you don't feel like it, but we rarely see someone make so many great decisions after DDay.

I don't know you, but I'd be proud to call you mom.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 1:01 AM, November 12th (Saturday)]

((((NYgirl68))))

I too spent the longest time wondering what I did wrong, if I had only done X, or if I had not done Y, would things be different for us. Would I still have my M. Or the M I thought I had.

You did everything right. Nothing you did or didn't do could have changed anything about him. What a fuckwad, he really had it all, a loving wife, a wonderful son. And he is so selfish, and so entitled, and has such hubris that he thought nothing of banging HIS SON'S FIANCEE, IN YOUR HOUSE.

How did he deceive you for so long? Because you are an honest person, you can't even imagine behaving that way, much less actually doing it. Because you trusted the person you made vows to and you took those vows seriously and of course thought that he did too.

I am so happy that you have such good IRL support. No one should have to deal with this mindfuck at all, and certainly not alone.

I hope that your dear son is still able to rely on his friends for support. (I already know that he has you.) A parent is supposed to PROTECT their child at all costs, not throw a bomb in the middle of his world.

I think it is good that WH is at least trying to answer some of your questions, that might help you in your grieving. Just don't expect any of it to make sense. How could he do this to his own family? Because purple carrots sank the mountain. Right - doesn't make any sense.

((((NYgirl68))))

If you ever start questioning what you think that YOU did wrong to cause your husband to be this way and cheat, then you would also have to ask yourself what your son did wrong for his father to do this to him.

That should take ANY doubts away.

NYgirl, I say again, what depravity. I just caught up on the thread again. You and your son thought you had a wonderful relationship with your WH and his father. He wasn't an absent father apparently. Your son and him bonding, iron man, marathons, gym - father/son bonding. I think that's even worse for your son.

You never suspected anything just like DeadMumWalking said. Because it's something so foreign and unimaginable to you.

You couldn't have ever done enough. This isn't about your short comings. You could never have done enough. Even if you were perfect it wouldn't be enough. If you were perfect what would happen the first time you weren't quite perfect?

You're strong even when you feel weak and uncertain. Hold the course. IMO, the sooner he is out of your life completely the quicker you will heal. Sending strength of mind and clarity of thought and prayers for your and your son's healing.

I believe there needs to be a new manual written when it comes to marriage. I am not sure about the rest of you, but I grew up reading all these magazines that said "you would know if your husband/wife/partner is cheating because there will be signs" things like:

a) lack of sex in the marriage or loss of interest of sex in the marriage

b) they will come home late

c) they will be less loving towards you - less interested

d) there will be perfume smells or lipstick on the collar

e) You will catch them quickly

f) they will buy a new wardrobe - update their underwear

g) who the heck knew that your closest friend (supposedly) in the world can look you in the eye and lie to your face without any tell tale signs.

IT WAS ALL WRONG - ALL OF IT! You can get along great, you can have a fabulous family, you can go on dates, you can have a terrific sex life, they come to bed when you do, you do activities all the time together, you have a terrific life, wonderful family and yet they STILL FUCK AROUND ON YOU.

What type of world am I bringing my daughters up in? And I realize, it would be the same if I have sons. What type of world where people can do this to each other?

I believe we either need to bring our children up to treat each other far better than what is happening right now in the world, or we need to bring them up to know that the odds are they are marrying a liar, and that they can only trust themselves.

I don't know.

I know it took me YEARS to realize there was NOTHING I could have done different. The only thing I could have done is followed my own instincts and left the ass with out any proof that there was anything.

It seems like you can be anyone. I see these amazing, smart, model type women in the media, where their husbands have cheated. And there is just no rhyme or reason.

Cheaters cheat.

You know what I don't get - why don't cheaters marry cheaters? The world would be so much better.

anyway, back to this thread, NY, there is not a damn thing you could have done. Nothing, nada. You sound like a terrific person and a great mom.

I hope your weekend has been filled surrounded with your support group and that you have had some joy filled moments.

This pain does pass.

[This message edited by DdV65 at 11:34 AM, November 13th (Sunday)]

You know what I don't get - why don't cheaters marry cheaters? The world would be so much better.

Or more so, why do they get married at all? Why bother?

How are you doing NYgirl? I hope you're managing to hold on and find strength. Dig deep, it's obviously there.

I agree, there is absolutely nothing you could have ever done to prevent this. Your WH is completely lacking a moral compass or even the slightest hint of one. This is not on you, it's all on him.

Terrible story and widespread impact.

However…

I don’t think the “husband” destroyed his son’s life.

In fact, this act can be considered his last gift to his son.

A woman that’s willing to carry on a long-term-affair with her future father-in-law while engaged to the son… Would that marriage have worked? Now the son has his whole life to find someone more deserving.

In a sense the father jumped in front of a bullet for his son.

Only the finger on the trigger was the fathers.

I don’t think the “husband” destroyed his son’s life.

In fact, this act can be considered his last gift to his son.

A woman that’s willing to carry on a long-term-affair with her future father-in-law while engaged to the son… Would that marriage have worked? Now the son has his whole life to find someone more deserving.

In a sense the father jumped in front of a bullet for his son.

Only the finger on the trigger was the fathers.

I can't get on board with this logic. If it's true that the fiance initiated things (which, well, hmmm), he should have shut her down and told his son.

Shoulda woulda coulda, I guess. The whole thing is horrible. So sorry, NYGirl.

NYGirl . . . I am so sorry. I have no words. I know the pain I have felt from my experience with infidelity . . . yours is beyond imagining . . .

Your son has said he does not want to know the answers you have sought from your wretched WH: I totally concur that this would not be wise at all. I can not imagine the devastation that any of the b.s. you have been fed would do anything but inflame more loathing for his father. The damage it would do to his feelings about women could be devastating. I pray he can separate the acts his betraying fiancée took part in, and maybe even possibly initiated, from the way most women behave. I expect it will take him a long, long time to be able to trust another girl.

I know I would have a hard time not wanting to completely wipe out the man who would do this. You are an amazingly strong woman to be so rational at this stage. It may be that once it really hits you the rational you will undergo some difficult and challenging emotions. That will be when your close girlfriends -- and perhaps a counselor -- will be your safest place.

Know you are among friends and that we all will be here for you.

In a sense the father jumped in front of a bullet for his son.

Only the finger on the trigger was the fathers.

More like "tripped in front of a bullet' for his son.....as the intent here was NOT to protect his son.

Thank you everyone for the continued support. I'm getting through each day as best I can. I'm hoping to finalize the divorce as soon as possible. I think it will be very clean, he's not trying to push back at all.

My son is doing well, just pouring himself into work and exercise. He's asking what I saw when I caught them, but I don't want to tell him. It will not help his healing. He said he'll see an individual counselor if I do as well, so I'm l looking into. I don't feel ready, but I'll start so he's comfortable speaking to someone too.

As much as I want to keep asking my WH questions, I'll leave it alone. My marriage is not what I thought it was, I just need to grieve its death and move on.

NYG,

He's asking what I saw when I caught them, but I don't want to tell him. It will not help his healing.

He is seeking his version of closure. Please consider that what he makes up in his mind will become his "mind movie", and it may continually ratchet up to be a worse than what you saw (no matter what you saw, it was hellish for you).

His healing may actually be aided by learning the factual detail. Perhaps it could be told in an IC setting so that the IC can be prepared in advance to offer help.

Wishing the best to you both.

God, I'm so incredibly sorry to read all of this. It really is beyond comprehension. I'm SO glad that your son is getting into IC and encouraging you to do the same. That's the best thing that both of you can do for yourselves, and yes, it will be hideously painful at times, but that pain is always going to be there, and getting into IC will help you both process the collateral damage that this situation will bring to your lives.

Your STBXH, and there is no way on earth that this M could be salvageable on any level, is in dire need of massive therapy to figure out the reasons for all of this if he wants to have any kind of relationship with his son. My son wouldn't speak to his father for five months following the disclosure of my EXs continued deceit, and that wasn't nearly on the level of this situation. If your H worked on himself and could get some insight into what was going on for him, it will serve him to salvage something out of this, but at the end of the day, it's your son's call.

Whatever disturbing stuff was going on with your STBXH (and I'm guessing he had a deeply competitive streak going on with his son that he wasn't even aware of, but sowed the seeds of his self-destruction), it had nothing to do with you. And the fact that he didn't skip a beat at home indicates deception on an almost sociopathic level.

This is going to take a long, long time to get your life back to some kind of normalcy. IC really will help you in that process get on top of stuff that will undoubtedly pop up for you forever if you aren't careful and dealing with it head on. Your job is to provide stability and normalcy for your son and to focus on his progress and healing. If he wants to know what you saw, I would as dispassionately as possible relay the basic facts. He is the OBS in this situation and he is owed a basic kindness of the truth. He will provide his own mind movies for himself if you don't give it to him and that imagination is always going to be worse.

Again, I want to express my sincerest admiration for your strength and fortitude in these dark days.

When you caught them...did they have any explanation? Was she afraid? Was she defiant? Were they apologetic? Did the girlfriend tell your son or did you?

I have been through this (not this exact thing) and then later my daughter went through it...watching her go through it...was a MILLION times worse than going through it myself. I always felt like I could handle it, what I couldn't handle was watching her try to handle it. I wanted to beat his brains out...but I knew if I got the chance, this boy would take the beating for ALL of it.

You are seriously, like, the strongest person I have ever seen on SI. I have no idea how you are handling this...but you could bottle it up and sell it, and I would gladly buy it!!

I'd say I was sending you strength but honestly it sounds like you have way more than I do. I will send you a hug (((((NYgirl68))))

Most people would say "I have no sympathy for someone like this!" But I do...I feel sorry that you have made a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE decision, choice that will impact you for the rest of your life, what is left of that life anyway. But regardless, you can't undo it, or change it, and now that you know about the others...you know what you are dealing with, I still can't believe he would do that to his own child. I really can't wrap my brain around that one...

I think you should give your son the information he is seeking. I know you are in the difficult position of not wanting him to hurt. But, some people really need those details in order to fully process what happened. You might not be one of the them, but your son might be.

He can handle it. Trust him.

And take care of yourself during this difficult time. You are doing an admirable job.

I didn't stick around to get an explanation. It felt like an out of body experience, I was extremely stunned and unable to say anything. They didn't notice me right away and panicked when they did. She wasn't defiant or bold, just tried to cover herself up. He didn't know what to do, didn't even think to cover himself. I just turned around and walked out. I must've been in a waking coma, because I don't even remember how I got back in my car and drove to CVS.

I told my son that I caught them and he confronted her. I really don't want to describe what I saw to him; saying it's difficult to talk about is a huge understatement. Nothing good will come from it.

I don't know how I'm doing it, just getting through one day at a time.