SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Deepfeeler,

I am checking to see how you are doing and if the MC was successful. Also, is your WW still unwilling to get help or end the affair.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Best wishes

Hey Deepfeeler,

How's it going today?

I hope you're getting out of your own head a bit here and there and maybe stretching those legs.

Whatever happens one way or the other we'd love to hear from you and lend support or advice, or even just to listen.

I only read the opening of your thread and needed to make some things clear to you. Stop beating yourself up over snooping, it is her fault you snooped, she was having inappropriate relationships online and neglecting the marriage. Also there is NO privacy in a marriage except for going #2 on the toilet and some marriages dont keep that private. What is "cybering" is that sexual? If so if you are ok with her doing that with other men then you are in an open marriage.

Hey DeepFeeler,

how is it going, been a while since you posted. Where the papers delivered, what has happened since?

Keep focussed.

I've been putting off responding because I feel bad about where I am in all this right now and so many of you have been very kind and helpful through this fiasco. Also to those who have been reaching out in messages, thank you for your concern. I want to start with an apology to any of you who have advised me and feel irritated by the following.

Unfortunately things took a turn after our last MC session, again no cease and desist and again she was enabled to continue the behavior. Afterwards I also found out she hasn't been getting as much work (or is turning it down) so several critical bills are behind and I'm working to help clean up that mess which is going to take a a couple of months at best.

I had the service on D papers halted because, I'm going to have to stick around to clean up this mess. I just don't want anymore drama than necessary. My kids are going to feel the impact of this if i don't get this straightened out before I bounce. *Flame on I probably deserve it*

I am continuing to work on my 180 and detaching. I would say I am significantly detached at this point and her continued EA in the game and admitting he is still texting her daily only helps that process along at this point. The pain is numbed and mostly gone.

I am to a point now that it really doesn't bother me and I could care less. She has tried a time or two to turn around her behavior but she simply cannot disguise her irritation and disdain for very long.

I feel very little for her at this point. This is partly because she has no self control in this matter, isn't really working to reconcile and has taken to extreme measure to prevent me from seeing her pc info or logs. Again this no longer matters, it is obvious where her heart is and I no longer have the desire to put in the effort and time it would take cleanup this train wreck or even see what she is doing.

I took to the game myself and now have several suitors pursuing me. I did this to gauge her jealousy which there seems to be more than a little. I am also on Kik and Snapchat with 2-3 of them who now text me at all hours. This is probably high school level spiteful nonsense but it's keeping me going and the affection/attention is helping with self esteem, keeping a smile on my face and allowing me not to focus on the mess she has made of our family/marriage.

I'm going to have to ride this out 2 months or so in order to get finances back on track. This is more for my kids than anything and I would endure a lot worse for them than this.

Her continuing to spend time with him, still chatting and likely voice too has really done a lot for me being able to detach emotionally. I would never have done this to her and the first couple of days when I started chatting with other women it bothered and stressed me greatly. Even casual chat I realized I just was not comfortable with a lot of it and knowing she did this and much more to me, kept me going and furthered the detachment, seemingly by leaps and bounds.

There is more to this story but I wouldn't be comfortable posting it here, it is essentially me enabling destructive behavior and giving in to lower base impulses and turning it into a mind F for the woman I used to love and dedicated myself to. *This is where I deserve a flame for sure*

I can no longer see a resolution nor can I imagine her ever reconciling let alone becoming transparent so trust can be rebuilt. I am going to fix this financial mess, get into some IC, while continuing to work on the 180. In another week I'll be on my last belt notch (down 3) and will need a new belt and some new pants as well. Maybe not the healthiest way to lose weight, but it's working.

I'm still pretty shredded up inside but I'm slowly healing and keeping any remaining emotions under wraps. While I do feel significantly more detached I still occasionally catch glances of the woman I met and married all those years ago, but those are fleeting and rare glimpses at best.

I would still be willing to try and fix this despite the monumental amount of work it would require, but I know she is never going to be transparent, or put in the daily work for real reconciliation. I stopped meaning that much to her somewhere way back down the road it seems and I'm just not at a point that backwards is somewhere I am willing to go, especially without significant commitment and remorse on her part.

She's a type 1 wife, I convinced myself at some point that she was the type 2 and held onto that, but time and this situation has brought a bit more clarity.

I'm sorry deepfeeler,

Do what you need to do to take care of your kids.

It sounds like you do have a plan in place for the short-term. 180 this thing and get better for your kids. Regain financial stability. Those are good important steps.

You can continue to work on your plan to survive while you work on those things.

It sounds like you are starting to accept that she's gone. It sounds like you're seeing that there are parts of her still floating around in her head but it's not the same woman and not the same M you had before and that's never going to change :(.

It's more painful b/c you're stuck in this spot close to your WW and I hate to see that for you but that doesn't mean you can't handle IHS and still 180 and work your way out of this.

Take time to consider your next step(s) while you work to regain financial stability, love those kids, and 180.

Thank you for the update, keep posting.

So basically you are now in an open marriage? So you are going to get financial part straightened out? What is going to stop her from not putting you farther behind in bills? Maybe you can get your money back from your lawyer then you can put it towards the bills that she is not paying? I have to wonder what is next. There is a thing called financial infedelity that just adds to this and she does not have any type of consiqenses.

Have her served and either she pulls her head out or you get divorced. You still have an open relationship. You don’t deserve this and your kids don’t either! You are good person and want what is best for everyone but yourself. I was raised by a cheating father and the day my parents devoriced, all the stress on me was gone.

Don’t mean to be harsh but the only person that can fix this is you or not.

While some of us may not agree, you do what is best for you in your situation.

Detach, and work hard on correcting and PROTECTING you assets. If you have credit cards in both your names, consider canceling them. You might split the bank accounts immediately to have separate funds. See a lawyer to minimize any damage she could do, and what liabilities she could incur that you could be liable for.

She's off the deep end, protect yourself.

If you think the finances are a mess now wait until she catches wind of the D. You need the D papers in place to protect you and your children.

This may sound harsh and I’m sorry. But what are you playing at? Your kids need at least one responsible parent and not the TWO of you wrapped up in some infantile online bullshit. Don’t stoop to her level. Your main priority is not to make her jealous (it won’t work - just gives her more permission for her A), it’s to get out of infidelity. Your time would be better served getting your ducks in a row. Good luck

[This message edited by Markone at 5:45 PM, June 5th (Tuesday)]

It all sounds so passive-aggressive and childish.

Passive aggressive acts on your part won't get you a thing.

The only one keeping you where you are is you.

Unless you find some strength you're going to wallow in this awhile.

But it is your life yo do so. The Calvary isn't coming it's all up to you.

oh my god delete the apps. you have kids, ya? two wrongs don't make a right.

This is not how a detached person behaves. You are not detached, you are still doing things to provoke response.

Have you considered individual counseling for yourself instead of MC? You appear to have a lot of co-dependent tendencies with your WW that you talk about changing but only alter enough that you "fool" yourself that you are changing.

I'm not saying this to be harsh and I apologize if it comes off that way. These are things you can't see and perhaps having someone point them out could be helpful.

Staying to work on her financial mistakes isn't going to stop any drama. Getting on apps for dating might be some kind of momentary ego boost, but it isn't healthy in this situation. Not for you. Not for your kids.

Go to counseling for you. Truly detach - don't pay it lip service, really do the hard work you need to do to get out of infidelity.

We are all rooting for you!

Have her served! You are making excuses, you are wallowing! You do not uberstand detachment at all, if you did you would not keep grasping at straws. In a few months there will be another issue you need to stick around to clean up, you are looking for the perfect situation for your exit, good luck with that.

I took to the game myself and now have several suitors pursuing me. I did this to gauge her jealousy which there seems to be more than a little. I am also on Kik and Snapchat with 2-3 of them who now text me at all hours. This is probably high school level spiteful nonsense but it's keeping me going and the affection/attention is helping with self esteem, keeping a smile on my face and allowing me not to focus on the mess she has made of our family/marriage.

This is not a game!

You are not in high school.

If your house was on fire and you wanted to save yourself, you wouldn't go into the kitchen and start making a sandwich!

Just like my analogy, your actions make no sense.

You're the only person that can help you right now.

Dragging another person into this mess by using all of these apps is a sick and twisted game that you should be way above doing.

Be the adult in your relationship and keep your moral high ground!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 2:26 AM, June 6th (Wednesday)]

DF

I know you feel rejected by her and her addiction. But please don’t become the 2nd parent to your children obsessed with this virtual life.

Please delete and extract yourself from these games before it’s too late.

Why cannot you work on the finances during the D process? You seem to be delaying the inevitable and any chance you have to pull her out of this fog.

Have the papers served. End this madness either by working through the D process to completion or having the reality of the end of her marriage shock her out of this lunacy.

Take action for your family today.

Sorry, I should state any game time on my part is after my kids have gone to bed. Also the ladies I am in contact with are simply acquaintances and one quickly moving into friend zone.

I have no intention of making-entering any romantic relationships at this time, to much 'me' to do right now.

I will add one more thing and that is, tension between her and I is minimal compared to the last couple of weeks and she has been more engaged not only with me but all of us.

I realize this is anything but typical and I don't see online shenanigans on her part as an 'open' marriage, but I do understand the reasoning behind that statement.

While a little passive aggressive our love life has helped w dialogue and her closeness. She also knows I'm still in the D mentality and states she wants to right the course, but for me until SHE drops him and makes the choice on her own, this is over still once the mess gets cleaned up.

Someone mentioned financial infidelity so I'm going to have took look at that.

While a little passive aggressive our love life has helped w dialogue and her closeness. She also knows I'm still in the D mentality and states she wants to right the course, but for me until SHE drops him and makes the choice on her own, this is over still once the mess gets cleaned up.

How do you expect this to happen??? You created a new norm by "allowing" it to occur in the beginning. And now you are simply cementing it as the new norm... only now she will have time to detach from you slowly and attach to him or someone else... all you are seeing from her is self preservation and damage control!

You will only get out of infidelity by taking action! It has been said repeatedly... "HAVE HER SERVED!!!" Drop your own online activities/hypocrisy, and declare you are getting out of infidelity; that you thought you could do it together but unfortunately that is not some thing she is willing to do so you are moving on. Then get out in the REAL WORLD! Hang out with friends, join a softball team, take a hobby class, whatever... just get out! Don't date, just live and socialize!

If she is ever going to come to her senses it would happen then! And if she does you can always the divorce, if she agrees to get out of infidelity FOREVER. Then, and only then can you truly rebuild and grow from there!

Right now you are just putting lipstick on a pig!

DF

Truth is it’s your life (not virtual) and your M. You can do what you want with it.

We can only give you our opinions to use as you take this journey.

But I agree with SeaDoug. Immersing yourself in the game and this Second Life world only validates how she is living your life together and how she treats your marriage (secondary to the virtual world).

Would you try and help a crack user by trying a little cocaine after the kids go to bed? I don’t think that would effect change at all.

The best thing to do is to get on with your real life. Schedule nights out with your friends in the evenings, join a book group, or some of the other things SD suggested.

If it were me, and this type of virtual activity essentially was used to ruin my M and lose me the love of my life I would ban it from my home and if she can’t comply then work to formally end the relationship.

I still don’t understand why you cannot have her served while you work on the finances. That shouldn’t all be on you. D’s Take months or sometimes years. File now and work on a parenting and financial plan with the lawyer.

Again, your life, but go back on old threads to see how many times you read “I shouldve listened.....”

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:03 PM, June 6th (Wednesday)]