SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

but tonight she left me crying in the garage,

Ugh, sorry. What happened?

Why am I angry at AP?

Uh, yeah...you have every reason in the world to be angry at AP.

so here is where I think I find myself today.

Do I stay in a deeply flawed relationship where I don't know if she really wants to make it work and the kids and I have stability and health care, or the great unknown where everything is up in the air and I know nothing?

She seems to get upset about talking about the affair and it's hold on her

Serious question, can you be happy and float along in this type of relationship?

Do not stay because of the children. They will see two parents that do not love each other. Constant friction and grow up thinking that's normal.

Better to split IMO, live by your morals, values, etc. Teach your kids that actions have consequences. Be truthful with them in age appropriate ways. Be their rock. The kids will learn which parent has their best interests in time.

Don’t stay for the kids. My son wanted me to leave his father when he was younger and I stayed. It screwed my kid up big time. He’s forgiven me, but man, do I regret staying in a bad relationship. It helped no one.

I am so much less lonely living alone than I was in my marriage. I was terrified to get divorced, but once I filed, I felt like I was getting myself and my life back.

[This message edited by Pandora16 at 7:49 PM, April 15th (Wednesday)]

Serious question, can you be happy and float along in this type of relationship?

What you're mentioning here:

I don't know if she really wants to make it work

She seems to get upset about talking about the affair and it's hold on her

Would indicate to me that no, you cannot be happy in the type of relationship you have. That could change, but what you have now is definitely not what you need.

There are people here who appear to have become very happy in true R. It is possible. But for that to even have been a possibility for those successful reconcilers here, they needed a truly remorseful WS bending over backwards and putting 1000% effort into the process. It took years to get there, and from what I can tell, the effects of the A never really leave them. It becomes a kind of new normal. Hopefully someone who knows more about it can weigh in.

I know back when I was in your position, I would have given my left arm for even a chance at R...was incredibly worried about the kids, and finances, the "great unknown" of D, etc.

And I'm so, so glad my exWW never really got there. For sooooooo many reasons.

The kids are fine, I'm fine, everything's fine. Better than fine. I'm *out* of infidelity and life is awesome. exWW is a speck of dust in the rearview mirror, barely perceptible. Any fears and concerns I had were disproved very quickly.

If you get to a point where you can change your perspective a bit, D actually becomes something that excites you :)

It seems like if she doesn't have contact with him everything is ok I get that everything is falling apart for her.

Wait, what? What makes everything fall apart for her?

I t seems like if she doesn't have contact with him everything is ok I get that everything is falling apart for her .But what about me?

Thats because her affair is more important than your marriage and family to her.

Do I stay in a deeply flawed relationship where I don't know if she really wants to make it work and the kids and I have stability and health care, or the great unknown where everything is up in the air and I know nothing?

Sounds more like an excuse to justify and do nothing. It’s your life. Live it for her if you want but you do take what comes with that.

I guess I already knew the answer, I just didn't want to accept it.

After what I thought was progress, it seems like she doesn't care. Things get twisted back to me, what I haven't done. She talks about doing the timeline right away when I asked her (she did) and the action plan, but complains I haven't given her a list of what I want her to do. Not totally correct as we talked about it and I gave her some must haves.

The last two days have been bad. She gives me details about things but gets defensive when it goes beyond a simple question. No in depth conversation. I get the feeling she is doing what she thinks she needs to do to get by.

I have talked to her about giving this her all and I hear about it taking two and how is she supposed to know what I want her to do. I tried to explain that she should just try her hardest and if something didn't work, try something else.

Tonight was a bad night (emotionally)for me and she just walked out on me basically mid conversation.

Jesus Marz, I get tough love but can you give me a break? I have no idea what I am doing and am looking for help.

Her actions or lack of will tell you what you need to know.

Your path is up to you no one else.

I get it. You’re in a bit of shock. Head spinning.

Can you get away to think? Family, friends, etc?

Distance will get you clarity.

Unfortunately I don't have anyone to talk to. I tried to talk a close friend but he seemed uncomfortable with the conversation. I feel like a pariah and I didn't do anything wrong

Hey, another question. We had sex the other night and it felt good and right. Is that normal?

It’s a hard spot to be in especially if you have no confidants.

It might be your best option to try and find a good IC.

The other thing is get out (I get the virus issue) but take some long walks by yourself for exercise and it’ll give you some time alone to think.

This affair has been going on a long time and it maybe she’s already detached. I doubt she’ll tell you much of any value. Unfortunately that doesn’t leave you much to work with. She’s protecting herself at your expense.

You are correct. You did nothing wrong and it’s not fair but you still have to deal with it.

Perhaps download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover

It’s a free pdf, short and it may give you some insight. It can’t hurt that’s for sure.

Hey, another question. We had sex the other night and it felt good and right. Is that normal?

Look up hysterical bonding. Many go through this. Whether it means anything is debatable.

What was intimacy like during her affair? Distant? Cut off, etc.

Some in an affair will stop intimacy with their spouse.

I feel like a pariah and I didn't do anything wrong

Normal/common but you are correct this is on her. She made a very willing and conscious decision to carry on the affair.

As I look back, intimacy during the affair was hit or miss. When it was hit, it was very good. When miss, obviously not so good. I don't think it was held back as much as we were not getting along. Even during the affair sex was regular. As far as how often.

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 2:03 AM, April 16th (Thursday)]

Some compartmentalize better than others. The ones that can’t cut it off with the spouse.

I don't think it was held back as much as we were not getting along.

Now you know why. Most cannot love two at once.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:18 AM, April 16th (Thursday)]