SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So today all bad.

Yes I want the why, badly I feel like I need to know why. Not sure the reason.

It is becoming clear the job is not negotiable. So the temptation will always be there.

She walked in today while I was reading the forum and read what was on the screen. She picked one out about telling her what was required for R. Became an argument and I told her I couldn't do this anymore. She is now looking at houses on her phone

It was all a charade. Her AP and the affair are more important than anything else at this time.

Let her go and free yourself. You cant make her see or do a thing.

So after the argument, she came to me and forced herself on my lap and talked about making this work. It got so awkward I called my daughter in the room twice to witness what was going on. I hate bringing her into this, shes 18 but felt I needed to protect myself. She still talked about what I said or did as why we need to R. Told me she was fighting for our relationship like I told her to do

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 10:38 PM, April 19th (Sunday)]

Sounds like shes trying to buy time until she’s ready. Shes probably trying the pussy coma technique.

She is now looking at houses on her phone

Found out how expensive it’s going to be moving out.

You are probably living on hopium somewhat. You need clarity so you can deal with the true reality.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:39 PM, April 19th (Sunday)]

yeah, she talked about ne buying her out the house on payments but really not an option

So after the argument, she came to me and forced herself on my lap and talked about making this work.

I've only known one extremely narcissistic woman (as opposed to several men, for whatever reason) and this woman who is twice divorced (because she cheats), fired from several jobs (for narcissistic job lapses), and has lost every friend she's ever made did stuff like this to boyfriends or husbands ALL the time. Does your WW do this? Put her body in your face to get her way, distract and manipulate you? It is beyond disgusting. She is NOT reconciliation material.

You need to get away from her. This feels as if it is deteriorating into a potential domestic situation, and that's why you called your daughter in. My friend, you are the adult, not your daughter. Take care of business and get away from this horrid narcissist that you married. Asap. Before something bad happens.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:01 PM, April 19th (Sunday)]

Yes I want the why, badly I feel like I need to know why. Not sure the reason.

We all usually do. This will take years of IC on the part of the CP, though. Any whys she gives you now are most likely excuses.

Sounds like she realized how much it would cost for her to move out and doesn't like it. She thinks if she entices with sex, she can stay in her comfortable life. Cake eater!

Maybe next time she tries to force herself on you, stand up and walk away. And, get a VAR!

WOW. Could she be any more transparent? She was all for a D until she realized how expensive it is.

^^^^^ exactly

Before agreeing to anything, I would evaluate what type of settlements normally are achieved in your area regarding divorce.

Her efforts to placate you likely are for selfish reasons.

I suggest you get your ducks in a row. You should also see an attorney to determine what divorce looks like from a financial standpoint.

Based upon speculation from your posts, her response could possibly indicate that she may have determined that financially infidelity and divorce will be very costly.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 8:05 PM, April 20th (Monday)]

Talk to a lawyer immediately, no matter what you decide!!

Also, order a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all time!! She is about to enter the panic phase as she know is realizing that the lifestyle she has and wants to continue is in jeopardy. She may make a false claim of domestic violence. The VAR might offer some defense for you

Good luck

And Stay Strong

So after yesterday, today she apologizes for everything she did. Says she loves me and will do anything it takes to rebuild the marriage. I feel like I am in a bi polar world and don't know what to expect next.

California is a no fault state so everything gets split 50 - 50. So screwed in that sense. I could make it work, just not here. I would have to live on my pension and she would get half my investments ( which I started late and don't include a lot) plus I would have to purchase health care, which in California is insane.

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 11:27 PM, April 20th (Monday)]

Words don’t mean much.

Just read your update...

Brother, I am so sorry

4 1/2 years is crazy!

Bail as quick as you can.

Says she loves me and will do anything it takes to rebuild the marriage.

Anything? So she'll find another job?

Words. Just words. So easy to say. Hard to do.

I would respond with “when you have a new job and have been working with a therapist who specializes in Infidelity for at least 3 months, let me know. Then we can talk about what a possible future together would look like. Until that point, it’s all just words. My heart wants to believe you, but my head doesnt. Prove it wrong. “

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:25 AM, April 21st (Tuesday)]

What Steven said is perfect. Make her follow through on it before you make a decision about R.

Achilles,

It seems that your WW is all over the place. One minute, she cares only about herself and the next she’ll willing to do anything to make it work. She seems to have low self esteem and is vulnerable to any compliments (the OM), or any criticism thrown her way.

So what to do?

I suggest the same thing as hellfire :

She doesn't know what to do?

Well, since she has read your posts here, and knows about this site, tell her to sign up,and post on the wayward forum. They will guide her.

Typically we wouldn't recommend sharing your safe place with an unremorseful wayward, but she already knows.

In the wayward forum, they take no Bullshit. They heard it all. But they can guide her if she is motivated to change.

Make an agreement that she must not read your thread and you will not read her’s. It will be her safe space as well.

Miss Achilles, if you are reading this, you have hurt you husband tremendously and it is your responsability to fix yourself and help your BH heal. It's not up to him to tell you how to fix what you have broken. Go to the Wayward forum and also seek IC.

——

if you are leaning towards D, it's important that she keeps her job. Although I don't know the laws in the States, I suspect it will help you avoid alimony.

If you are leaning towards R, she must quit her job. as long as she's working there, you can consider the affair as ongoing. Think about it... they broke off and went back together again. She could swear on your children head that she will go NC, but tomorrow is a different day.

I strongly suggest that you don't try R while she is still working with the OM.

Staying at work = ongoing affair

Ongoing affair = no R.

Achilles, all posters here went through the same thing. We found this situation to be so traumatizing that we felt the need to help others like you in this situation. It's that bad. But the good news is that you will get through this. we all did and you will too. It’s a promise

Post often

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 7:26 AM, April 21st (Tuesday)]

Guys...he updated the original post. She was in the A for over 4 yrs.

A note on encouraging WSes to join SI and post on WS...

The last time I did that, the WS lied in his opening post and got lots of support from fellow waywards.

Posting is not a panacea.