SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey, I happen to have my Universal Bullshit Translator on me.

you said you werent' giving up...sounds like you are

Blameshift. You're the quitter. It's so much nicer having you as a fall back plan and being invested in her in that really great one-sided way in which she doesn't have to really give much back, but you keep trying. How dare you stop!

You can't do this alone. SHE quit. She ran off. She cheated. NOT you.

please, i want to be home with you and the kids right now...you know that...

Bullshit. If she wanted to be with you and the kids she would BE home with you and the kids. No one held a gun to her head and make her take a 10 day vacation with three men.

This is a ploy to feel sorry for her. Poor her.

.things were just so negative

Blameshift.

Things were so negative. Implying WHAT? You made them negative? She had to run away from you? How about she inflicted two DDays on you and wants an open marriage and tells you she isn't attracted to you? Is she taking any responsibility for the negative vibe?

and the trip was already planned and i was going to race so it seemed like a little space was a good thing.

What's more important? Her marriage? Her children? that she cannot (will not) change plans? What -- plans are impossible to change?

A little space is good for WHO? The kids? No. You? NO. You just got two DDays. No, it's good for HER, so she can keep fucking around -- but you're such a buzz kill. So much nicer for her when you're compliant.

You and the kids are my world.

Sick.

Really, she is sick. You and the kids are NOT her world. Saying it doesn't make it so. She's not behaving that way. She is blatantly trying to manipulate you and going for the jugular.

.

..i am not lying or justifying.

.

Yes that's exactly what she is doing.

..just confused and disappointed by some parts of our relationship as now you are too...

Poor her. She's not sorry, she's "confused." And "disappointed."

What are you going to do to make it better for her? Then throwing you a bone, guess you are too. WTFever.

help...please

SHAMELESS MANIPULATION

Yes, go dark and start packing stuff, prepare your family to embark on a new chapter.

If you absolutely must reply, and I still suggest not, try this:

"If you are not lying or justifying, then we can't have a real marriage..that is the sad conclusion that you forced me to come to.

I'm not giving up, I'm just giving you the opportunity to decide what it is you want and need. The current state of this marriage is unhealthy and unfair (to put it mildly) for me.

You say that the kids and I are your world, that you want to be home with us. I see someone that decided, in the midst of this turmoil, to vacate for 10 days to be free of the 'negativity'. Negativity, I might add, primarily caused by your decisions and actions.

Yes, the trip was planned, but what exactly are the priorities right now?

You want help? I am helping. Until your decision is both clearly articulated and actively pursued, I will continue to help by protecting against further marital sabotage.

Good luck!"

Then, what I really think needs to happen is to start backing your resolve with clear action that you mean business! She needs to see that; clear-cut action is key.

I know I sound harsh and obviously, not being embroiled in the emotion of it all, it is certainly easier said than done, but those responses from her are pretty loud signals that she wants a rug-sweeping pass on this and then she can continue on with life as she knows it...with a marriage of convenience, no respect for her mate and secure in the knowledge that this sort of thing has no real consequence for her.

And you're stuck in misery and always wondering if or when you'll uncover another A.

She doesn't 'feel' it yet; give her THAT FEELING and I believe there is a chance the M can survive, if she chooses so. She won't choose it if things remain this way. I know you're afraid 'harsh' will turn her away, but 'nice' will DEFINITELY turn her off the M.

What 'harsh' will do, is if she has it in her heart that you and the family ARE INDEED IMPORTANT, she will choke down the stubborn/unwillingness, then start WORKING TO PROVE that's what she wants. And you really don't want it any other way than by a true, desperate effort on her part.

You explained that she has the option to choose M and if that is the case, there is some reasonable criteria to go along with it. She merely has to choose and start walking the walk. I'm fairly certain she 'knows' what you want her to do, but she balks/negotiates in hopes you'll just 'let' her back in.

Start moving on and she'll more actively demonstrate her true desires.

At a minimum I would not reply until later tonight. After checking on replies here and deciding which suggestion has the most appeal to you. It won't hurt to leave her sweating for a while.

It is perfectly understandable that you would be busy with 3 kids in the meantime.

From my fellow Texan Palerider:

That's the bottom line. Women like hard ass bad boys. If you don't show that side occasionally, woman will start to devalue you and sexual attraction begins to drop. Like if a guy hits on your woman in a serious way and you know it, but don't do anything. She'll subconsciously devalue you.

That's not to say it's your fault you've been devalued, because our present society frowns on a manly reaction to that provocation, but PC attitudes still can't stand up to hard wire biology.

Your wife claims she was never attracted you. Bullshit. That's her rationalizing, consciously or otherwise, her violating what were, presumably, her previous moral beliefs. The more guys she fucks, the worse man you must be to drive her to such depraved sexual desperation.

If you want to try to get her back, you've got to go Roman. Blow up her trip (and the trip for the three dicks) by exposing to the spouses. Your wife knows you don't have the huevos for that kind of scene, so why not disabuse her? Your value will rise. Start doing some going out of your own, dressed to impress. Make her think you're on the verge of getting action. She thinks no woman would let you near, since you are so repulsive to her. the thing is, you're repulsive because her rationalization has made you repulsive. Other women won't react to you the way she thinks they will. Women take their cues on guys from each other. Attention from a woman revalidates you. It's amazing how it works.

Start kicking ass and pulling women and watch her attitude change. If not, you tried and you can use your new found knowledge of women on some 30 year old. Who dares, wins. He who hesitates is lunch.

It's hardcore shit....but empowering!!!

The good news is it appears she is starting to realize she may have pushed you too far. The bad news is she's still trying to play on your emotions.

My instinct is to write something like this...

I know this is your instinct, but you are only letting her know she still can "move" you. You're allowing her to engage you. Don't.

She needs to know, it's time to act NOW.

My suggestion: "Actions speak louder than words."

(((Feb)))

No advice- just wanted to say you seem like an AWESOME husband, father, and person!

You're doing great and your "message machine recording" cracked me up!

Stay strong bro!!!

Feb.

I haven't posted on your sitch before now, but I have read your story, and like everyone else, I am pulling for you.

What strikes me about your WW is what seems like a childlike and superficial approach to what should be very serious business to any other person. She just doesn't seem to connect the dots in an adult way, and I'm wondering if that is "normal" for her, or if it is a recent development?

From suggesting that you should accept having to share your wife with other men, to the recent superficial email responses she's given, it appears that she is operating on a different plane than the rest of us - one that is devoid of responsibility or rational thought. It just strikes me as very odd.

She needs to know, it's time to act NOW.

My suggestion: "Actions speak louder than words."

In case I wasn't clear, this was supposed to be my bottom line as well.

Feb needs to take action in a manner that is noticeable to WS, and if she wants back in, she has to do the same.

Don't reply now.

More of the same won't change things.

When you respond, perhaps it's time for an 'I' statement. A statement of what you want and need. Not a selfless accommodation of your WWs issues but a clear 'I'm not prepared to continue unless...'.

Sometimes you only get to keep things (including your sanity) by being prepared to let them go. Perhaps it's that time.

I'm sorry but her e-mail is really disrespectful...

I feel I can speak for my FWH when I say that even when he was having an affair he loved his children.

Waywards have something broken inside, that doesn't mean they don't love their children.

A little apple and oranges but an addict at their worst can still love their children. I am not saying ALL addicts, not trying to make generalizations just trying to make a point that i am afraid i am failing at.

Feb, do what you feel you should do. Do what allows you to sleep at night. Your wife is broken right now, this is not a game of any kind, this is your family as I am sure you know.

There are no guarantees with whatever action you take next. You know her, we don't. What you want may change as time goes on.

Give yourself a hand, you are still being a great Dad while trying to find your way through this mess that has been handed to you.

The farther you step away from the role as her parent, the closer you get to blowing her skirt up again.

I'm a woman. I know how this works

I'll get to the other comments eventually. For now, this one got my attention...and I thought it was just between my head and my heart. Damn.

I agree with delaying or even forgoing any reply to her. There's really nothing she's said which merits a response. Let her stew for at least 48 hours. Disconnect while your mind is clear from the distractions of her presence.

I am overhwelmed by the amount of support and advice I've received in the last few hours.

I am going to wait until at least tomorrow morning to reply, or perhaps until she e-mails again.

In the meantime, I will be reading and re-reading all of these posts...

Quick comments...

- she loves our children

- she is "broken"...she is a fundamentally different woman than the one I married, than even one year ago (extreme mid-life crisis?)

- this is not a game, but it sure feels like one

- I know she wants a rug-sweeping pass

- to Invisibleman - yes, a very recent development

I think I may even print out the last two pages and sit down with a beer in a comfortable chair - back in a bit...

I think this article was written by your wife:

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/lucia/12-reasons-women-can-t-stand-nice-guys

Any indications that she will cut her trip short?

Stay strong!

Any indications that she will cut her trip short?

I was wondering this myself, as this would be a huge indication of the level of her commitment to the marriage. She already gets one strike for going on this 10 day trip in the first place considering the state of her marriage (2 recent DDays).

My feeling is that IF she continues on her little vacation and stays the full 10 days, then I would think that there is no hope. IF she cuts the trip short, as in the next couple of days, then there might just be a little hope.

please, i want to be home with you and the kids right now...you know that...

As someone else pointed out: Why isn't she now home with you?

Seriously, if someone was 1500km away, and then learned of an impending S and/or D and really cared enough to want to avoid it or stop it, then wouldn't you think that this person would drop everything to jump on the next flight/train back home to deal with the most important emergency they have?

Do you?

Her priorities are showing like dogs balls right now.

If I were married and had this revelation drop I would be on the first available transport back home. No question. And no-one would think bad of her if she explained why either.

I hope for you that you un-expectedly see her arrive on your door-step, but based on her further responses on e-mail, I don't think you will.

PR

[This message edited by PhoenixReborn at 11:57 PM, March 28th (Monday)]

My feeling is that IF she continues on her little vacation and stays the full 10 days, then I would think that there is no hope. IF she cuts the trip short, as in the next couple of days, then there might just be a little hope.

There's no way in hell that she's gonna cut her fuckfest short!!! She's knows that this trip might be her last opportunity to get away and do whatever and whoever without worrying about the kids being well taken care of. Knowing that "Feb" can hold down the fort at home, she's going to take full advantage of her free pass!!!!

Her priorities are showing like dogs balls right now.

Always did like a good metaphor....

Feb.....Actions speak louder than words. What do her actions say??? Talk is cheap - and cheaters lie. Between the TTs and the rewriting of the maritial history....your "bullshit meter" should be pegged!! Actions, bro...pay attention to her actions

Take care of your self and your kids.....push forward with the divorce - assume this is where you are heading....

Keep the dialogue with her "only about the kids"....dont always jump when she texts. Sometimes dont be available....dont always respond "right away" when she calls or emails you.....

Reread all that you can on the 180....reread the healing library...

Never forget that this bullshit is NOT your fault...

Bufffalo