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So what consequences will he have for an assault? I think what you described is so horrible, including his cowardice after the event, that you have to impose a severe punishment. Not doing it, is enabling the evil..

Gently, your kids have a right to know who their father is. Will they be hurt? Very likely, but then they won't live a lie, and why do they have to show respect to a man who behaved so abominably with their mother? It will be up to him to earn it. Please consider severe consequences for the danger and humiliation he put you through. Your children will understand and will heal in due time

Gently, your kids have a right to know who their father is. Will they be hurt? Very likely, but then they won't live a lie, and why do they have to show respect to a man who behaved so abominably with their mother?

I agree and I would also like to add that so many people you know witnessed him do it and they're still talking about it 10 years later. This isn't a secret that you can hide. All it takes is for one of your kids to be around someone who mentions it. Maybe one of your kids gets to talking about your current situation. BAM! Now they know and they tell everyone else.

Remember how upset your kids were when this started? Remember how they wanted you to set hard boundaries and consequences? How do you think they will feel knowing that you covered this up for your WH? And do you really want them to find out from someone else?

Edit: I understand that you believe that this could tear your family apart but we both know that your relationship with your children will never end. The only thing it will destroy is their relationship with your WH. But that is not your fault. They are adults and they deserve to make that choice. And honestly, if someone abused and cheated on your mom the way that your WH has, would you want to be their friend? Would you look up to them? Would you ever want one of your kids to follow your example and cover up for their abusive spouse? They deserve the truth and you are not responsible for where the chips fall after they get it.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 5:13 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

How was your party? What are your thoughts after processing SI input so far?

I feel saddened about all the people that are putting this back on you by asking why you stayed, and why you trusted. To those people, gently, you're not helping, and you're causing harm.

The stigma people face for trying to work things out with their WS needs to stop. It's just not fair to her to ask her why she stayed or trusted. She clearly had her reasons, and it just doesn't change the situation at hand. It makes it sound like you are pinning the blame on her.

I don't even have to ask "why" after reading the details. She had spent he entire adult life with him, had four little kids, and one of them had health problems. In that circumstance, a lot of people would stay even if they knew there was an ongoing affair.

She gave back the trust over like 20 years. That is not so crazy. This is not on her. He made some promises, and threw everything away.

OP, you didn't deserve this. You gave him another chance, for your kids, and for your family, and this just isn't on you. The only person to blame here is him.

If you feel like you want to try to fix things with him, and he's really willing to put in the effort, I support you, because I know we don't know the intricacies of the relationship like you do. I encourage you to not take any crap, and if you are giving him the huge gift of another chance, he better do every single thing you think might maybe help, especially relationship counseling and personal therapy. Any less, and it's just not good enough. Any possibility of a chance is a gift for him, so do not let him try to dictate terms.

And if you are comfortable leaving, I fully support that too. Remember, you gave him multiple chances, and he threw them away. There is a pattern of a fundamental level of disrespect and devaluing you, after you've given birth and raised his four children. And you can always kick him out for now until you decide what you want. If he has any decency, and values you, he will wait around for you as long as you would like, for just the possibility of another chance.

Whatever you decide, you are worth better than all of this. I strongly encourage relationship therapy, because I don't know how else the dynamic will change, and there is a clear lack of value of you and your relationship on his part.

Just remember: this is NOT your fault. In any way. You deserve so much better. You deserve to be valued, and respected, and that isn't happening, so something needs to change. It's up to you to decide what, as you are the only person who knows all the details and you are the only one who can decide what is best for you. Just make sure you are putting yourself first, as clearly no one else will. They should, but clearly they aren't right now. And lean on your kids. You raised them, and I would hope and am sure they would be happy to help you through this.

Hi Scooby, man has your world been rocked I am sorry about this. I really am.

Physical violence is a deal breaker for me. Why would any man do this?

I am sorry to ask this, but how is it your friends are only talking to you about this now? I don’t understand this either.

Big hugs scooby

Duo

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 4:12 AM, June 24th (Monday)]

Hey All,

I would of liked to respond to you all individually but it would be to much for me today...I apologise for that.

Still trying to process the deceit & secrecy from him,

I went for a coffee with C last night after everyone had left,

I now know the timeline for this latest revelation, its more than 10 yrs ago, It was just before I had lost my mum, so it puts it in October 2007, I lost my mum 01/11/2007

I now remember little bits (The past for me has always been hard to remember as my memory hasn't always been the best),

I honestly can't blame my friends bc as I've previously said I had a pretty big melt down after I lost her.

I didn't really leave my house for 3 & a half yrs, only went shopping late at night & only went once a month if at all, (I didn't want to see anyone), until I had grief counselling, which took 6 months before I actually started living again.

I know I have a lot to reflect on & a lot to work through but atm I'm just gonna take it 1 day at a time cause this has definitely thrown me.

im not even sure how to process this..IC later today & Friday this week.

We spoke again last night when I returned from my friends,

He's absolutely devastated doesn't want our kids to know but understands if I feel I need to tell our children, I'm still on the fence with that decision though.

He's agreed to AA, He's also agreed to an Anger management course. He's agreed to anything I want.

I understand where all of you are coming from (I truly do & I'm so very grateful) I just don't know if I'm willing to destroy my whole family for something that happened many yrs ago,

The 1 thing thats been made clearer to MYSELF & HIM through finding out about this...NOTHING & I mean NOTHING will ever go back to how it was.

I refuse to go back to any of it,

I know I can be strong again, its just gonna take some time.

I can't change my past, but I sure as HELL can change my FUTURE.

Regardless of if he's in it or not I won't be that person AGAIN.

My birthday celebrations were awesome thank you, I had the best day under the circumstances surrounded by my lush family.

It may not seem like enough to some of you, but please trust me that this is what/how I need to deal with it.

I truly do appreciate all of you being here for me, without you & SI I truly would be in a very bad way!!

Please don't stop being here for me as I honestly need your support & encouragement more than ever.

Scooby

For me why’s are important to understand. Why did your husband punch is wife in the face in public?

Add this to his cheating behaviour. He is far far from a prize.

You don’t have to tell your kids but they may find out anyways.

This is tough. Big hugs.

dup Again. Sorry.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 4:39 AM, June 24th (Monday)]

Back in those days he used to drink Jack Daniels, he has never been able to hold spirits so once he changed this we did see a massive difference in the violence, before that happened though I mostly fought back putting him on his ass on occasions. Police were called other times by friends or neighbors.

When I had grief therapy his violence & anger was addressed with my therapist, it hasn’t happened once since then (thankfully)

However I still want him to talk to his IC & do courses his doc can recommend.

He’s got a long road in front of him, up to him if he chooses to take it.

I am glad your party was a success! Happy Birthday!!

Do think about asking him to confess to family about what he did. If rumors spread or you disclose it will hurt his relationships much more than if he owns it. That is actually the best option for him, as trying to keep this horrible secret for the rest of your lives would be poisonous to both of you, and probably futile. Maybe this is the wake-up call he needs to stop being the person “he really is” as your friend put it. But making such fundamental changes takes years.

Are you still living in the same house?

You know you are pretty amazing Scooby, you have big challenges and you are managing them so well, I am impressed.

You are not rug sweeping and that is so very courageous.

When you are ready, you can be proud of yourself.

You are one smart powerful woman.

Hugs

Thank you ladies,

I’ve just returned from my IC, it went better than expected tbh, he advised me to take my 1 day at a time motto for now,

Reasons for that are I’m traveling 4 hrs & staying overnight tomorrow to watch PINK in concert 😂😂😂 curtesy of my kids buying me a VIP ticket for my birthday,

I come back Wednesday then travel to the city Sunday ready for my Mexico trip Monday, lots of things to occupy my time till I’m away for 3 whole weeks

So my plan is to just get through this week for now 🤞

Pink !?!? AWESOME!!!!

Have a blast.

Keep yourself as your focus, and you will be ok.

(((And Strength)))

Scooby - some thoughts he might work through with his IC:

1. How much did his violence against you, causing life-long problems with seizures and predisposing you for several brain diseases like Parkinsons, play into his ongoing self-sabotage and self-destructive behaviors in his life. (my thinking is that he wanted you to hate him, to kick him out and he was giving you many many reasons over the last 10 years to do just that.)

2. What skills (in addition to a life-long commitment to sobriety) does he need to acquire in order to assure your safety for the rest of your life?

3. What can he do to bring in extra income to have you seen by the best trauma therapists (both organic brain disorder and mental health). He needs to fund this from his own efforts.

4. What specifically does he need to do in order to become a man who would never ever keep secrets like this? For example, his disclosure to medical professionals that your seizures were not the cause of your broken nose, but that his violence against you was the cause - treatment would have been different, I'm thinking - and might have gotten to the root cause with more accurate treatment.

I have tons of thoughts on those but this is where I started thinking, if I were to keep someone like this in my life, what would I require out of him to allow even a remote possibility of recovery?

Have so much fun at the PINK concert! You're so blessed to have such wonderful kids out of all of this mess to give you that gift!

I understand where all of you are coming from (I truly do & I'm so very grateful) I just don't know if I'm willing to destroy my whole family for something that happened many yrs ago

Here's the rub - it's not uncommon for men who hit to do so again years, even decades later. It's depressingly common. This is revealed in the book "Why Men Batter Women" by John Gottman. He's been good about it for 10 years and he was good for X number of years before then too. This is his first time in IC since so whatever in him that allowed himself to so brazenly put your life at risk like that and humiliate you in front of your friends is still deep down in there some where. It's probably why he felt okay cheating on you during a family event where he could have been caught by his own son. Saying he hasn't done it in 10 years doesn't mean much and it sure as hell doesn't change your pain and suffering today.

And if after everything you decide to D OR your kids find out from you or someone else given how many people know, just remember - YOU did not destroy anything. HE destroyed it all. Accept none of the blame for his atrocious actions.

Gal, Rock it out. Have a great time. Think about only you.

But you do need to live separately now. Make those plans my Dear!

PS: you did not answer my question: are you still living in the same house?

Will you tell him to vacate before you get back from your vacation?

Hi K8la,

It was the first 15 yrs of our relationship that was abusive & violent (not the last 10) the last 12ish has been massively different to previous yrs, not perfect or ideal, but definitely better, (not counting the ONS & his secret profile on a swingers site).

I have to point out, also he didn't cause my epilepsy, I started having fits when my youngest (twins were born early, our son was born with NEC) so stress, tiredness, & Antidepressants were to blame for my illness. It was controlled with medication, I don't take anything now as I haven't had a fit in over 6 yrs.

Thank you Tess your message above is awesome!

Thank you Nekonamida, Tushnurse & Tallgirl (((Hugs))) xx

I don't know how I raised (yes ME) raised such wonderful kids...they are my absolute world.

Odonna,

Yes we are still living in the same house (atm)

its definitely something thats got to be addressed when I return from my trip,

Thank you very much to all of you I'm gonna have the best time

I have spoken to 2 of my DIL's so they are aware if anything happens while I'm away, I need them for damage control more for my sons than their father.

Im not shielding him I'm protecting them, As I've previously said before they are super protective of me.

PS, Nekonamida, I'm going to download that book on my Kindle for my holiday, Thank you.

If anyone else has any recommendations for books that would help me in my situation I would be very grateful to you.

thank you again for all your concerns & well wishes,

I truly wouldn't be where I am today without all of you,

you are helping me so much

xx

Have you read Linda MacDonald’s book: “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair?” I recommend it to BSs because it so vividly teaches you what to look for in a remorseful spouse who wants to “re-build” the marriage. Mark it up in the margins and give it to WH. It is short and direct and if it does not make a huge impact on him then that is a huge signal for you. Read it before you go and tell him to read it once a week while you are gone (a 2 or 3 hour read), for discussion when you get back.

I highly recommend also telling him to move out while you are gone. You can always invite him back if he really turns the corner, but meanwhile you will have taken your power back.

[This message edited by Odonna at 6:57 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]