SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It seems to me your relationship with your WH was loosely defined from the getgo. Seems like partying was a big part of your relationship from early on. The two of you didn't even marry for several years, you did your thing, he did his...until it quit working.

Personally, I think the both of you have a part in the failure of this marriage. It's easy to finger point and blame the one who has made the most mistakes (your WH). But the truth is, it takes two and I see that the both of you are at fault. I know one thing, I wasn't hanging around bars and partying all the time after I married and had my kids. I knew people who were doing that and it created a lot of problems and eventually divorce.

The way you talk, sounds like your WH in the moment is giving the party life up but you aren't. I just wonder if this is a big game to you? You say he is now staying home while you are going to the bars and going out and about. How can either of you possibly change and heal if there are all these games involved? It definitely does not sound like a mature marriage to me. It sounds like two teenagers who never grew up.

I think you need to figure out what you want out of this marriage, Scooby. If you want R, then both of you need to step up and work on yourselves and quit playing games. Both of you share responsibility for the failure of this marriage. Just read back over your posts and maybe you will begin to see a pattern of both of your destructive behaviors. I almost wonder if you have a drinking problem yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person but if you so choose to fix your marriage, you also need to face the facts and realize that your thinking is broken also.

The dysfunction in your marriage has finally come to a head. So, what are you going to do about it? No more games. If you want R, then go for it. And fix yourself also. If you want D, then do it. But if you choose R, then I think it's time both of you come out of denial and accept responsibility for each of your parts in the failure and success of your marriage. Honestly,I do believe you love him despite all the crap the two of you went through and I think in the long run, if the two of you take responsibility for your emotional growth, you may find happiness once again. But as I said, this marriage sounds so childish to me and your past problems were not handled in a mature, adult-like fashion.

Scooby, I kind of get the feeling that you may not like my input🤣 and I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I just want to see the two of you take responsibility for yourselves and each of your actions.

One last thing I would like to comment on, on the night your WH hit you, were the both of you drunk and arguing? Do the two of you argue when you and your WH are drinking? I know from my own experience that alcohol changes personalities. I know when my WH and I would drink, it wasn't always a fun time. I would become crabby and so would he, or worse...I just feel like you are placing all the blame of this failed marriage on your WH.

Where was your accountability? Where were your boundries? Where was your respect for yourself as a wife and mother? I want to know more about your truth. Can't fix ANYTHING if we are in denial about ourselves.

Hmh,

I'm actually pretty disapointed you have insulted me so bad in your post.

So if I liked to drink & party when we were younger I would be deserving of my WH's behaviour in your opinion?

However you couldn't be further from the truth in your insults & put downs.

I took so long to marry him bc he had affairs early in our relationship.

IM NOT A BIG DRINKER, I can count on less than 1 hand when I have gotten very drunk in my whole 47 yrs.

I WORKED 3 PT JOBS, didn't have the energy for partying.

I stopped being a teenager when I became pregnant at 17.

Your laughing face is pretty insulting tbh.

I was driving (so NO I wasn't drinking the night you mentioned)

YES MY LIFE IS SOME SORT OF GAME.

YES its my fault he treated me this way for 27 yrs

YES its my fault I let myself down

YES its my fault I failed my children by having no respect for myself.

YES its my fault I had no boundries.

YES I TAKE ALL ACCOUNTABILITIES for everything that has happened in my 27 yrs with this man!

YES THIS WHOLE NIGHTMARE IS MOST DEFINITELY MY FAULT!!

Happy now Hmh?

I am 100% to blame for ALL of it!!

Thank you Odonna,

I will order it for us to read,

(((Scooby))))

Take what you need leave the rest.

You are strong, brave, and capable. Never loose sight of how much you matter.

Thank you Tushnurse,

I know in my heart you’re right,

However her post above is like a slap to me!

How she has reached the conclusion that I’m some sort of long term drinker, partying, even suggests an alcohol problem baffles me!!

Im deeply hurt by her insults

I’m just trying to get through 1 day at a time atm!

SD, if it makes you feel any better, I too found that post to be insulting and presumptuous. Even if you did like to party when you were young, so what? Doesn't change what you're going through today. Doesn't excuse his actions in the slightest.

Even if your relationship wasn't well defined decades ago, how does that matter post kids and marriage? How does someone even get married thinking that it's okay to cheat because the marriage isn't well defined? Makes no sense.

You are not to blame for the infidelity and abuse. And no, you do not have ownership in it because you decided to stay through it.

Hi Nekonamida

Thank you for that ^^^^

Hearing from both you & Tush Couldn’t of come at a better time today,

I really appreciate you both being there for me x

Scooby, I studied so much about childhood and the effects the environment has. We bring all of that with us into our adult lives. Then layer upon layer on top of that come other things that we endure as adults. I don’t know why she views you the way she does but I don’t care what you did in your life. I care that someone cheated on you and broke your heart. That’s what I care about. Sometimes this forum can get pretty rough because all of us only see how we have been designed to see. Just stay steady. Look ahead, not behind, and put one foot in front of the other. Hugs.

Thank you Cooley,

I really appreciate your opinion along with Tush, Neko, & many others like you that have supported & continue to support me since the beginning of this nightmare,

I’m just trying to do my best so it hit me pretty hard when I read that post above, esp from someone I thought understood me & the issues I am continually facing with my WH.

Again thank you for being here for me I really am very grateful

Hugs to you all ((())) x

The laughing emoji was because I figured you would probably become offended because of my input. But my comments were not meant to anger you but to help you see why some things may not have worked in your marriage. You and I have had a lot of similarities in the fact we allowed others to mistreat us. I just see a lot of immaturity and no accountability on either of your parts (or mine and my WH either). So, I can apply this to me and my WH as well. We can't always place the blame on others, we also need to look at where we've done wrong. This has been my experience anyway. And I also allowed others to treat me poorly when I should have kicked them to the curb.

I didn't do the abusive behavior that my WH did against me but I also didn't take a stand either and so it continued, just as in your case.

I, just as you, didn't have strong enough boundaries when my WH mistreated me (or when I allowed other people, friends and family included) to mistreat me. I also didn't stand up for myself when I should have. I can see a lot of similarities in each of our lives and if I didn't take accountability for my actions (not taking a stand, or not looking at myself and my past behaviors, allowing people to say shit and assume things about me that weren't true), then how could I have made changes? It takes two, both you and your WH, to make better choices for a stronger marriage, otherwise nothing changes if nothing changes. Or you could be done and go your own way.

I am sorry if I insulted you. I am just seeing what I am seeing and it seems to me that the game is still continuing...if there is going to be progress, it has to come from both of you and for you to take a stand and to be strong in yourself.

I do not condone drinking excessively.

I do not condon any kind of abuse, whether it is emotional or physical. I hate any kind unfaithful behaviors. I do not believe you deserved any of this from your WH. I think he is a piece of shit for treating you this way. But I also feel you need to look deeply into yourself to figure out why you allowed this to continue. Even your own friends shit on you. Why? Why did they think they could do this to you? Those people who should have had your best interest at heart in your life failed you. Why? I think I may know part of your answer because I went through the same things with the people in my life, the ones who should have had my back.

You know why they did this to you? I know one reason why, because you (and I) allowed them to. We didn't say enough is enough. We didn't tell them to fuck off when they mistreated us. We kept making excuses for other people's poor treatment towards us. We trusted when we shouldn't have. We allowed the wrong people in. All I'm asking is why?

Today, if someone doesn't like what I am doing or doesn't like me, just don't talk to me. I used to be weak and allow people to judge me and mistreat me and walk all over me because of their own jealousies or insecurities. (Problem is that I allowed it to continue). Or they tried to take from me, just like your best friends did to you. They wanted what you had. What kind of friend does that?? Just saying.

And your WH isn't off the hook. He of all people failed you, just as my WH did. And yours did it over and over and over again throughout your relationship, partnership and marriage. Shame on him for taking advantage of an unsuspecting good soul. Shame on him.

Again, I'm sorry if I offended you, Scooby. I'm also sorry I insinuated that you may be a party girl. You do sound like a good person and because of your kind soul, it seems like others have taken advantage of you. I just want to see you toughen up and not allow those who should have your back quit mistreating you. I am sorry: (

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 6:21 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Hey SDoo. What three things would you like to change about your Marriage? Maybe that is a good place to start.

Scooby:

I have followed your posts from the beginning. You have made remarkable progress in taking care of you and not putting up with his crap any longer. You have done very well and I know you will never go backwards. You do you. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. You did not deserve any of his abusive treatment and infidelity. You are not to blame for his actions. Period. Have a fabulous trip to Mexico. Be safe and have a great adventure

Hi The1stWife,

Easy for me to answer your question,

I want unfiltered love, complete honesty, & heartfelt respect.

That’s the 3 things I would love in my marriage

Awe Fareast,

Thank you so very much for your encouragement I really wouldn’t be where I am today without your continued support.

I know I haven’t always made the correct choices in my past regards to my marriage but with the guidance & support from all of you since my 1st post here I do feel I have come along way,

I will never go back to those dark days thanks to you all xx

Hi Scooby,

So what are your requirements for him while you are away? Will he continue to go to IC? Do you have reading requirements for him? Will you put a VAR in the car or in the house? Will your kids be keeping tabs on him? Will you insist he move out before your return (with the ever-present option of being invited back)?

I am very glad you reverted to your plan to go to Mexico alone, but what happens with him now? Especially after learning about how he knocked you out and broke your nose and lied to you for a decade.... what are your boundaries and demands?

Hi Odonna,

He’s got to continue IC regardless of anything else, if he stops that I’m afraid that’s a massive deal breaker for me,

He has to read ‘How to heal your spouse’

Also has to read ‘betrayed’ by Riki Robbins,

He has a new phone so my son has downloaded an app that locates him at all times, (that’s not for me that’s for my kids peace of minds)

Kids are keeping a very close eye on him,

Neighbor is my best friend so she will watch the house for me, she’s awesome as she knows what’s been done to me in the past, she won’t ever go to my house if I’m not there as it’s always been a trigger for me.

He has to stay at the house till I return bc of my dog,

No Var as we’re in the uk & I’ve never seen 1 here or even heard of them before this site.

1 more sleep for me 🤪

Thanks for answering all my questions. I know I am a bit nosy but it really is out of concern for you.

You might also consider a keylogger on the computer, or a browser history tracker. If he reverts to porn and swingers’ sites while you are away that would be a deal-breaker for me, as it shows that he is only white-knuckling it and is not really committed to change.

Isn’t it awful, though, to have to do all this in the first place? It is so antithetical to the very foundation of marriage. But when you need to assess whether someone truly is remorseful there is nothing like hard evidence of what they are up to when out of your sight. So don’t let him know he will be under scrutiny, because if he passes this test it has to come from within him. If you later decide on an R path you can always tell him then, because R requires transparency. Plus, in true R you will want him to know how much agony you were in. But not now. Now you need to know “who he truly is” as your friend said.

In all honesty I do not have much hope for an R outcome given all he has done over your entire marriage. The best predictor of future behavior is ALWAYS past behavior.... But I know you are not there yet, so I am doing my best to support and advise you until your path is clear to you.

[This message edited by Odonna at 5:25 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]

Have a great trip!

Thank you for that advice Odonna,

My son took the iPad & my laptop to his friend to do this for us, such a brilliant idea thank you again.

I’m now officially on holiday, overnight stay in a top notch hotel ready for my flight tomorrow morning,

3 weeks of relaxation, ‘some non alcoholic drinks’ (or not) plenty of food, sun & sea,

I need this 😘

Thank you Tallgirl,

it’s gonna be awesome

Bon Voyage!

Duplicate post 🙈

[This message edited by Scoobydoo at 12:23 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]