SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Also, I don't even want to talk about it out loud, I'm extremely embarrassed to describe sex.

Sex is hard enough to talk about. Recounting a traumatic scene is painful and difficult. Doing both at the same time with your child would be terribly difficult. Hugs!!!

Thank you everyone, I've decided it will be easier for me to put it into words and email it to my son. I told him I need time, but he will get the details. He fully knows this is difficult and says he can handle it, that he doesn't want me trying to shield him from any further pain. He knows it's hard for me, but he says he need to know to be able to move on. He doesn't want to wonder about it for the rest of his life.

I don't even feel a range of emotions anymore, just sadness. Sad that my entire marriage was a lie, sad that my son has to deal with this total devastation at a young age. I even find myself feeling sad for my soon to be ex-husband, he's just fucked up. I don't know how he can look at himself in the mirror.

Dear NYgirl

First of all I must say you ROCK.

In the shit storm your WH has put you and your family in you have continued to rise above and be empathetic and put your son above all else.

He is a lucky young man to have you as his mother. And I know he knows this...(((hugs))))

Your entire marriage was not a lie. I don't know you personally but I do know it wasn't entirely a lie.

You created an amazing son and that is a blessing that your WH's shitty choices cannot take away.

He lied, he deceived. He is broken but it is not your fault. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. He chose his free will and unfortunately, he chose very poorly.

My wish for you is that you and your son get into IC. There will be so many emotions, thoughts, conflicts in the upcoming months. It will be really hard BUT you can and WILL make it through.

One day at a time and one step forward each day.

Keep posting, keep sharing. We are all here rooting for you.

(((BIG hugs))))

(((NYgirl)))

I'm so very sorry for all you've had to endure.

I just want to add my opinion that your marriage was not a lie. You were true and authentic and that's the only part you can control. I had to face years of memories in which I learned my H was having an A and I chose to own my own version of those events--it was real for me and I will not allow his actions to take that from me.

Your WH was troubled enough to be able to be two different people and show you one part of himself. How were you to know differently? Most people would have no idea.

Good luck to you.

Good for you NYgirl. You are doing great. It must be so difficult to go through this and at the same time be concerned about your son. Thanks for being willing to give him the details he needs.

nygirl68,

Divorcing your husband and standing up by your son is setting a great foundation for your son's future. Also I believe that both you will learn to identify the red flags that likely existed with your husband. This will be part of your recovery that allows you to feel safe in the future relationships. Reflecting back on my own marriage, the red flags with my wife are obvious to me now.

Have you had a chance to do something, anything that might distract you even for a while? What you are dealing with is truly overwhelming. Don't lose yourself. Even if just for an hour, find something that makes you happy. Even a little bit.

You are in an extraordinary circumstance, but you sound like an extraordinary lady.

Sending massive hugs from one NY girl to another.

I agree with many of the others NYgirl.

I think you are doing the right thing.

If you son is asking then you should tell him. If the best way for you to communicate with him about this is a letter, then that is what you should do. Others have suggested very diplomatic ways to write the letter. I can not imagine having to draft such a heart-breaking document.

But you are clearly strong and the right words will come to you.

I think your son needs to hear the truth for his own reasons.

I needed to hear details about my wife's affair. I needed to see the places she went with the OM. I just needed to. I did not feel settled or at ease until I did.

Your son might feel the same way.

In my opinion what your husband did is unforgivable. I don't think there is any redemption for such a sin. I don't think you need to feel sorry for him. He will no doubt get what he deserves in this life or the next.

I sincerely wish you and your son peace of mind and happiness some day.

You're an example to all of us hurting in this place.

NYgirl....I just want you to know that I am praying for both you and your son.....

My son found out his g/f that he had every intentionto marry was cheating on him at the same time as my dday.....our situations are different b/c my kids do not know about their fathers A..... but I do know his pain....4 years later he is engaged to a lovely girl and he is happy! He dodged a bullet ....I have told my FWH to talk to his boys about communication ....

your son has learned a hard lesson....you my friend lived your life authentically ....your husbands choices are all on him.....my only advice is keep on living authentically.

you will survive this....its so hard....but you will

Peace

Concentrate your efforts on that young man of yours. I realize you are also in pain, and we truly do sympathize with you. We realize your pain is tremendous. You have to grieve for your lost marriage and your son. We all pray for your recovery. Stay strong sister.

You're doing a GREAT job ((((NYgirl68))))

Good luck with the email; you are very brave and full of integrity and compassion for pushing yourself though this in order to give to you son what he needs to help himself heal. In addition, to feel for your husband shows that deep down, you can truly see that this is about how damaged and broken you husband is, not that his betrayal has anything to do with you or who you are.

I can understand feeling like your marriage has been a lie. Having been blindsided myself and then hearing a confession to a prior affair 12 years earlier, as recently as a month ago, I have said that I wish I never knew about that one. It changes the whole history of our marriage and who I thought he was in such a drastic way. But when I say that today, I no longer have the same pain that i felt when I said it at the stage you are at right now. Things will get better, and I think that the fact that you are working hard to help your son get what he needs will help you both heal; together.

There will be good to come out of this and you will be able to see that in the future. You won't see it today, and you shouldn't have to. Today is about you and your son healing and taking care of yourselves and each other.

As always, thinking of you and sending you strength...

A lot of the messages in this thread include support for both you and your son who are going through this terrible time. I just want to say that you obviously love your son and support him, but you are not responsible for his healing. Support him, but also focus on your own healing. Don't think that your healing comes second to his. It's that concept of putting on your own oxygen mask before putting on your kids'. You can support him better if you are managing your own healing.

With respect to your sadness, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor if you feel like you are becoming depressed. I went on anti-depressants to "re-set" my brain chemistry after my own run-in with infidelity. Not everyone is comfortable with them, but I found that a year on them helped me get to a better place.

Hugs!!

Some other more experienced people may chime in concerning this, but you may want to eventually look into the Recovery Nation website for some free health and value based self guided recovery excersizes. It is for both partners and sex addicts (there are seperate sections for both). Many partners on the site have seperated from thier spouses, and some have not. Because of the nature of your husband's betrayal and multiple affairs, I suspect he was an addict of sorts. This website helps you get your head back on straight after the trauma of severe betrayal. It has helped me.

I am sorry you are here. Peace be with you.

I don't even feel a range of emotions anymore, just sadness. Sad that my entire marriage was a lie, sad that my son has to deal with this total devastation at a young age. I even find myself feeling sad for my soon to be ex-husband, he's just fucked up. I don't know how he can look at himself in the mirror.

Your feelings are normal. Anything you feel is normal. It’s the body’s way of dealing with grief and trauma and every now and then you feel nothing, just numb and sad. One of the most difficult things as a BS is wrapping our heads around what the WS did. I don’t know how anyone can do such a thing and look at themselves without asking “WTF am I DOING?” It’s certainly beyond my comprehension when they must have at least a little understanding of the fall out.

As others have said, your side of the marriage was not a lie. Don’t allow the actions of your WH damage those memories – they are still yours to keep. You were authentic and true and gave him trust with the expectation of receiving the same. He abused your trust and your marriage. That’s his flaw, not yours.

As for your son, you don’t have to give him details. If it damages you to do so and may damage your relationship with him, then gently explain that it is something you don’t want to talk about, that you are not going to go into the minutiae of what you saw and heard. In this world of over-exposure to everything, where people’s lives are splashed in Technicolor over the media, where nothing seems to escape a magnifying glass if it’s deemed to be of interest, there is a need to rein some things in. And this is one of them. You do not want your son, at some time in the future, to share what you tell him with someone else. Which may be his future wife or in-laws. No, there are some things best kept to yourself (other than perhaps your therapist or anonymous people like us.) He has to find his own healing.

Which leads me to something else - the email you are proposing. I would suggest speaking to him, hard as that may be. If you put it in writing, it will give him something to go over again and again and perhaps to read things between the lines that are not there. Don't give him something he can read over and come back to you with more questions on the specifics. I don't think it's a good idea. JMHO.

There is only one good thing to come out of this – your son found out about her tendencies before he married and/or had children with her. He can cut free and move on. Not quite so straightforward for you. She may well have had other “indiscretions” while engaged to your son. She may well have cheated on previous boyfriends. As her moral compass is so seriously screwed, she would have cheated on him at some point. So it is better he finds out her nature now. As the saying goes, he dodged the bullet. She is seriously f*cked up.

How are you doing NYgirl?

hey NYgirl, How are you?

I just read your entire thread and found myself crying. My heart is with you and your son.

You are so strong and above all a MOTHER. Good for you for doing what you felt is right for you and your son.

Do not feel bad about wanting those details, for asking questions. It is you processing the ordeal. It has been a huge trauma and needs to be processed and worked out in your mind.

I think the email to your son is a good idea, as a mother I can appreciate how hard it would be to have this conversation with your son. Uncomfortable at best but unbearable more likely.

Telling him what happened is the right choice. We need to know what we need to know...... for our own healing and processing. Your situation is even more complex and will take some time.

IC is a good idea I think, it will help you to organize your thoughts. I am so glad that you are both taking that step for yourselves.

My best wishes and biggest hugs to you both. Keep posting and keep healing

Thinking about you NY girl. So sad at many levels. Hang in there, you are doing a great job.

What HopefulJourney said - thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

I hope you are getting lots of love and support through this time.