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You may also want to call her sister and tell her that if your wife contacts the OM tonight it will seriously impact any chance of saving your marriage.

You don’t have to give her details if you don’t want to, but sometimes WS’s need family members to save them from themselves.

She is probably not going to just automatically start making good decisions immediately.

OM is an idiot. He knew you had her phone and he answers the call??

Your WW likely told this guy you were separated or living as “roommates” ... you would be shocked at the shit waywards come up with. She could have told him you were a deranged, abusive, sociopath ...

If she gets her phone back, it’s a guarantee she will still

try to contact him ... be aware of texting apps like Hushed, FaceTime,FaceTime audio (won’t show up on bill) and google numbers ... they are difficult to trace ... get that VAR ASAP.

My daughters heard everything and more pissed off than I am. They kept wanting the guys phone number and why would their mom text him 414 times. They are pissed at her and currently appear to be on Team Dad.

It might be a good idea not to speak with her tonight. Upfront all you get are lies and denial.

Good job informing your BIL.

The one thing you need to remember is an affair is 100% on the perpetrator. You didn't cause it.

An affair is a consciously made decision and from what you've seen. Large volume of communication hidden under a woman's name means your wayward wife is smart and deceptive. She knew exactly what she was doing. It just didn't happen.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:07 PM, December 14th (Friday)]

My daughters heard everything and more pissed off than I am. They kept wanting the guys phone number and why would their mom text him 414 times. They are pissed at her and currently appear to be on Team Dad.

The truth fixes a lot of things. I'm sorry she's blown up the family in this way. These things have far reaching impacts.

In her mind you'd never find out.

I'm sorry you had to experience this mess. At this point she's not the girl you married. She's a liar and you can't believe or trust her.

She's desperate and in survival mode. She's sobbing because she got caught ...not because she betrayed you and her kids.

The less you say until you retrieve the texts the better. If she wants to talk insist on a timeline first...meet in a public place.

^^^^^^ yep, she will be in self preservation mode. Her words at this time are meaningless. Only actions count

I want you to know that people have been in your shoes and have come back to have a happy marriage. It’s definitely not the same marriage as before, but with a lot of work it can be done.

She will have to provide full honesty, see the OM as a co-conspirator in the destruction of her family and want to fix what is wrong inside her to make that possible.

You are taking good first steps towards leaving open that possibility.

Of course, depending on what she has done, many have ended their marriage to find happiness without their cheating partner.

The spectrum of possibilities is great. But just by taking steps such as you have to stay in control you have at least left the door open to save your family. It will be up to her if she can walk through it and show you and your daughters that you all are the most important things in the world to her.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:35 AM, December 15th (Saturday)]

let your girls have at him.

phuck it, you got yours in, why not let them have their turn?

have you googled OM?

is he married? own property? have kids? a record?

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 11:15 PM, December 14th (Friday)]

Glad to hear that you got support from your daughters and your BIL. I think your next step should be to find out as much as you can from her phone. Hopefully you will be able to do that alone. IMHO, your BIL is of more help staying there and keeping a pair of eyes on her while you go through her phone. IMHO there should be no contact between you and your wife until you do that so you can spot any lies immediately. I feel so bad for you and your daughters having to deal with this so close to Christmas.

Although your brother-in-law’s offer to assist with your investigation of her phone is very kind and probably very sincere this evening, consider the fact that as we “speak”, he is likely listening to your wife tell her sister any number of dubious emotional excuses, rationales, and outright plain untruths. Please don’t depend on him to be unaffected by her tears and pleading and self pity. Please don’t expect him to not be affected by your wife’s sister who very well may take him to task or demand that he reconsider whose “side” he is on. Take care of the phone investigation yourself. Do not hand the phone to anyone, including your brother-in-law, children, friends, etc., until you have all the evidence it has to offer so you know what you’re dealing with.

Also, I hope your daughters are as well as can be expected. Hug them both. Tell them you love them. Tell them you’re proud of them. Remind them that this is a marriage problem, not a family problem, but that you know the two bleed together. Tell them you won’t lie to them. Tell them there are some intimate details you might not want to share and you have no idea what those are yet because everyone got hit with an unexpected storm tonight.

Remember that whatever you do going forward, you need to be okay with yourself after. That doesn’t mean you’ll successfully navigate every dip and turn, but it helps to remind you about the sheer cliffs off to the side of the road and the importance of the guard rails.

I found him on facebook. He is 42,single and looks to be a "gamer". Wow! She gave it all up for this average looking hipster douche bag. Must be the accent? BIL just text and said she was hysterical and wants to know what happened with me and her BF?

Use this time to garnish everything you can from her phone. You can use the information on there to check her honesty. Tell her that you want a complete written timeline of the affair before you see her next. Also tell her that, if you suspect that she is with-holding, you will require the timeline to be verified by a polygraph test. There will be some testers in your area. I know it sounds a bit CSI but cheaters lie through there teeth almost without exception.

Having the phone unlocked is golden. While she is a sobbing mess at her sister's and not thinking straight about how to try and cover her tracks consider going through all her social media accounts and changing the passwords. Facebook, Instagram, all emails etc. Also check all the apps that have been installed and uninstalled whether Iphone or Android. Re-install anything which might have a messaging feature, even Words with Friends. Look for all the messaging apps, games etc. Then take your time and go through all the message history in every app, looking at archive messages etc. That along with a data dump of phone should give you a pretty good picture of what she has been up to. Also see if she has Google time line turned on. Shows where phone has traveled. She says she has been going to the gym but who knows. Again, sorry you are here.

I would leave out any mention of the physical altercation if you respond about what happened with the OM. Just tell your BIL you confronted him in the parking lot and sent him packing.

BIL just text and said she was hysterical and wants to know what happened with me and her BF?

No response needed tonight.

BF = boyfriend?

She maybe more concerned about her AP (affair partner) than anyone else at this time. Most usually are.

You weren't supposed to show tonight. That was pretty evident. I would bet the AP thinks that's his now and not yours. The thing about abrupt exposure is everything has a bright light shown on it.

Nice job so far. You have a long road ahead of you no matter which way this turns out.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:32 PM, December 14th (Friday)]

Also see if she has Google time line turned on. Shows where phone has traveled. She says she has been going to the gym but who knows. Again, sorry you are here.

Excellent advice !!!!