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beenthereinco, I agree with you that he needs to determine his legal status concerning the unborn child and its paternity.

I was referring to the decision to R or D. I guess I wasn't clear. Thanks for pointing that out..

Consulting with an attorney and finding out your legal options and responsibilities is not at all the same as getting divorced. It's getting educated. The divorce process takes months to complete, can be slowed or halted at any time, and that's once you have filed.

Your emotions are understandably all over the place at the moment, and right now you are driving in the dark. Seeing an attorney is just like turning on your headlamps brother.

So she's playing the "I was temporarily insane" card due to ppd. Jesus...smmfh.

And now the therapist is getting her to say she was manipulated.

This therapist is pretty much teaching her how to blameshift.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 4:15 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

It is imperative that director get his legal status straight as it relates to this unborn child WHICH IS NOT HIS. He can stay with his WW if he wants. He can divorce. He can do whatever he wants but if that baby is born and he is presumed by the law to be the father then he will be responsible for that child for the next 18 years, even if his WW leaves him for the OM or another OM in the future. He will be writing that check every month for child support for a child that is NOT HIS.

This is spot on. Director, you can't wait until the baby is born either because if your name gets on that birth certificate, it could cement you as the deed defacto dad. Many states have reasonable time limits to contest paternity but some do not or some have had cases where judges ruled the guy on the birth certificate as dad despite a DNA test saying otherwise. You have to reschedule that lawyer's appointment even if you don't take another step towards D.

I also agree with GoldenR that the therapist is a little suspect in her line about being manipulated. Did you read communications between the OM and your WW? Did it look like he was coercing her to do anything? Even so, she still went along with it. A bad IC who enables your WW into not taking accountability for the A is a great way to destroy R for you so be vigilant.

The thing about anger is that it's great for getting things done in the moment but when it wears off, you're left feeling exhausted and ambivalent. I have found that once the anger goes away, I am far more likely to accept less than I deserve, put off doing important things for myself, and persevere the status quo even if it made me extremely upset just days before like it was no big deal. If this was a normal situation, taking time to recoup and think things through more would be fine but you're on a real time crunch with that baby coming and you need to make a few big decisions very soon or risk screwing yourself over for the next umpteenth years.

I tend to agree with the psychiatrist longtime sucker who was completely objective in his summary.

"Her parents had a friend get in touch with an acquaintance who is a psychiatrist",

It bothered me a bit that WW was seen by a psychiatrist whose referral came from an acquaintance of WW's family. In my opinion it runs the risk of objectivity being lost and that some feeling of allegiance on the part of the psychiatrist could run the risk of a diagnosis benefitting the patient on the one hand but not helping her mental health needs. However the feeling of loyalty in this respect can be counterproductive. Let me say this is never intentional by the clinician but I would hope OP considers requesting that an independent psychiatrist also be involved.

You are getting a lot of good advice here however, you don’t have to cut and run. Take your time and make a decision based on what’s best for you and your family. And unless they did an amniocentesis they did not get accurate results. They will only do those further along. If I’m not mistaken even the harmony test doesn’t tell paternity.

Also depression, postpartum or otherwise is very different for every person. I have been diagnosed with depression/anxiety/PTSD and postpartum depression(after each of my kids) and I wasn’t the WS. It affects every person differently.

Director, don’t make any decisions until your ready. My WH A didn’t result in an OC, but the 3 drs I have spoken to since have said wait about 6 months. Don’t make a decision that You may regret later.

You need to see the lawyer, to at least know your rights concerning divorce and the expected child.

DO NOT NEGLECT THIS!!! Otherwise you could be put in an even more difficult position.

You and her need to have a SERIOUS talk about what is going to happen with her child. Does OM want any part of it? Do you wait until the child is born to determine paternity? What does she think you should do? What do her parents and their biased shrink think should be done about the child?

Everything else can be put on hold. R, D, whatever. But this child is going to be arriving in a few months, and somebody is going to have to foot the bill.

Ww didn't see the psych her parents recommended, she saw a psych in an office her parents friend recommended. Parents have zero connection to the female psych, or anyone in the office for that matter.

In my own realization, ww did show signs of post partum:

- When baby brought home she was very possessive to the point where she didn't want anyone holding him for the first week, including me, but she did allow me to hold him.

- she couldn't keep up with milk demand of baby, so we began to go e formula, she was very upset about this for a few days, I remember her explaining she felt like a failure bc she couldn't breast feed at this time.

- she lost her baby weight very fast, thinking back now she was obsessed with losing weight, and I cannot confirm she ate every meal every day.

- a few more have after son was born she began swearing, which wasn't typical before. I'm not talking an f bomb here or there, she swore like a sailor litterally all the time, and wouldnt be respectful even near young children.

- she was very irritable and has been for a long time, I remember asking why she was so up tight, and there was always never an answer.

- sometimes she would go through crazy mood changes; would be screaming at me until red in the face and if she for a phone call or our son crawled/walked into the room she would instantaneously be able to stop and begin singing laughing or baby talk him, and through talking with her parents she did this at work as well.

- she would tell me.she wasn't happy with her job and sometimes with me and that the only thing that made her happy was our son, but not all the time.

- some of her behaviors didn't return to what they were before she became pregnant with first child. Example would be money spending priorities, and things she was interested in before she hasn't talked a lot about since.

- I never suspected insomnia, but she constantly complained of being tired, in looking through cell phone info, there are many, many nights where she would call the op's number sometimes 40 times between the hours of 12am and 5am on weekdays.

- sometimes she would cry over things that really shouldn't have been all that upsetting, one example was her getting really upset over replacing batteries in a toy of our sons that she couldn't get the cover off.

- I also remember her getting really upset in the beginning about getting our son to latch when feeding, and she would blame herself too quickly and want to give up too soon.

Thinking back Yea I want to say there were definitely things that weren't the same before vs after birth, but my understanding of pp was that you didn't love tour baby and didn't want it.

[This message edited by director23 at 10:18 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

What are the signs of PPD?

You may have PPD if you have five or more signs of PPD that last longer than 2 weeks. These are the signs to look for:

Changes in your feelings:

• Feeling depressed most of the day every day

• Feeling shame, guilt or like a failure

• Feeling panicky or scared a lot of the time

• Having severe mood swings

Changes in your everyday life:

• Having little interest in things you normally like to do

• Feeling tired all the time

• Eating a lot more or a lot less than is normal for you

• Gaining or losing weight

• Having trouble sleeping or sleeping too much

• Having trouble concentrating or making decisions

Changes in how you think about yourself or your baby:

• Having trouble bonding with your baby

• Thinking about hurting yourself or your baby

• Thinking about killing yourself

If you think you may have PPD, call your health care provider right away. There are things you and your provider can do to help you feel better. If you’re worried about hurting yourself or your baby, call emergency services at 911.

This is from the March of Dimes... nothing about urge to have sex with other men.

Om has been fired from job by inlaws and she has shown me messages telling him to stop contact going forward, which he agreed to. Om knows she wants to be with me. He has told her that he will give up legal rights if she wants him to and baby is his, even if she chooses not to be with him and I leave her.

I'm not a doctor or a psychiatrist or a WW, but that sounds more like post partum anxiety to me, rather than depression.

I suffered with PPA, was always worried my LO was going to stop breathing/die of SIDS, always felt on edge and like I was failing, had trouble latching (LO had colic and trying to get a screaming, crying baby to eat is HARD), would freak out over minor things and yell at my DS or WS, and distinctly remember watching an episode of Star Trek one day (LO was maybe 6-months-old?) and was a hysterical, crying mess. Over Star Trek.

But I never felt like I didn't love my baby or wanted to hurt her or myself, or felt like we weren't bonding... my ob/gyn asked me questions about that as part of a PPD screening. They didn't ask me if I would repeatedly watch her while napping to make sure she was still breathing. It was only when I noticed that my older child was starting to get anxious and check if the baby was breathing that I realized something was wrong -- post partum anxiety.

I know everyone is different, but it never occurred to me to start having an affair though.

Need to be specific and mention that psych said she could be suffering from, ppd, depression, manic depression, and/or personality disorder.

Said she can't confirm anything in one meeting; which is why she is going to see both a psych and therapist. I'm not trying to point to a mh condition as to the reason she did this, but if she was in fact in an altered state of mind and the op lit the fire, that will have to be taken into consideration if it ends up being a possibility, even though I know it's unlikely.

I think it is smart to slow down. Any chance of a non invasive retest?

From what I've gathered all non invasive tests are more likely to be false and inaccurate and a waste of time and money. We've agreed it's best to wait to decide and will most likely test once baby is born.

She has been adamant that she took morning after pill the last time she was with him, and she verified that when we tried she tested that morning and was ovulating.

[This message edited by director23 at 12:34 AM, January 19th (Saturday)]

My man sounds like your starting to make excuses for her bad choices & choices are exactly what they were. You can blame this & that but all I hear is blah, BS, Blah, BS.

She was screwing an employee for months & sleeping with you at the same time. There are a lot of people with depression, anxiety and the such that do not have a affairs because they choose not too.

The only semi diagnosis you have is the one from the family shrink & after the fact, where now that her affair has been blown wide open to family & friends I would expect her to have depression, shame, self disgust...etc etc

Ultimately the choice is yours. However you really need to think about your future.

You want to raise another man kid that's up to you.

You want to pay for at least the next 18 yrs to provide for a kid that your WW conceived with the OM that's up to you.

You want to stay with your WW & hope that she wont screw around on you again that's up to you.

I could go on & on but will leave some scenarios to the imagination.

Cancelled the lawyer???

Why it did not mean the immediate end of the M. It was to know where you stand & what exactly you had to do if you so wish to. Almost everyone on here is asking you to go see an lawyer because we care about the BS and try to point you in the right direction.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 12:54 AM, January 19th (Saturday)]

What? First the baby is his, now it must be yours? An amino can easily tell.

Don't get me wrong peeps I will be talking to a lawyer, I honestly felt it was best to wait until after my next therapist appt on Monday, and talking with my priest on Tuesday.

"We've agreed it's best to wait to decide and will most likely test once baby is born."

Bad idea as once baby is born you're the dad. Then it gets expensive either way you go at that point.

"She has been adamant that she took morning after pill the last time she was with him, and she verified that when we tried she tested that morning and was ovulating."

Seriously I would have tried not to laugh in her face after that comment, even in her supposed mental state she had the presence of mind to use the morning after pill after he had just finished inside her like she did every time they had sex, then came home to you and gave you seconds cause she was ovulating so in her mind there's a good chance you are the dad, what a princess how thoughtful of her. All's good now.

If someone told you the same story that you have told us what would you say to that person.

Seeing a therapist and seeing a lawyer next week is very reasonable. It sounded like you were cancelling the lawyer altogether, which would have frankly been insanity.

Right now she could take all of your money and have you on the legal hook for someone else’s kid for the next 18 years, all while leaving you for another man — that’s the downside risk that people are concerned about eliminating. There is a nonzero chance that the above could occur.