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whydidyouhurtme ( new member #19830) posted at 2:46 PM on Thursday, July 24th, 2008
hurtshirley ( member #16197) posted at 2:48 PM on Thursday, July 24th, 2008
H was 1,3,4,5 and little bits of all the others thrown in. Thanks for posting.
"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu
sostressed ( member #18945) posted at 6:56 PM on Thursday, July 24th, 2008
Sadly, I still think mine was a #5. I think he did this to hurt me/get back at me. I had been threatening to move out or get a divorce--the wrong thing to do, for sure, but I think I was trying anything to get his attention--show him that things weren't right and we needed to work on our marriage, etc. He had a "don't let the door hit you in the ass" attitude and that REALLY made me feel hurt and alone.
Anyway, he had been having an EA with a co-worker and she presented the opportunity for a PA at a work function that I chose not to go to because we were having problems.
I still think, and struggle with the fact that I think he did this to get back at me, hurt me, force my hand (get me to leave or divorce, etc.)
What I don't understand is the complete turn around when I found out and forgave him and why NOW he wants me and our marriage when he didn't seem to for YEARS.
Sometimes I wonder if having a wife who will forgive cheating is seen as a GOOD thing. Well, if she'll forgive it once, she'll forgive it again...
I love him, I REALLY do...but I can't help but think that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. Sometimes that just seems like a recipe for disaster--or is there always one who loves more?
Married over 20 years
Me--BS, Hubby--FWS (affair with co-worker), D-Day--December 07
FWH still works with co-worker, reconciliation attempted for over two years, I moved out and left the state to stay with family while I get on my feet
aesir (original poster member #17210) posted at 8:23 PM on Thursday, July 24th, 2008
If people are interested, when I have more time, I will edit some of the above posts to fill in the key points to know about te type of A, and maybe the progression, and what to expect. It could help to identify more easily for those who are not in the dark on what hapened. It will take a bit of work, to do that because I have to get it right without violating copyright laws. I am not even going to get into trying to summarize how to deal with the different types.
For those who say none of the above, are you sure it is not a mixture of many? Or is it an undocumented archetype like "Regression to Jr. High". Perhaps when I get around to key points and how the A's started and progression some will look more familiar. As I tried to say earlier, this is more a question of motivations for the A than what was actually commited during it. It would apply to EA's, PA's, LTA's and ONS's. It is more about the WS thought process.
One thing I find interesting but unexplained by the book. Can an A start out as one type, and morph into another as it continues, and perhaps in the stages of ending it morph into another still?
Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
andyd1950 ( member #20018) posted at 8:35 PM on Thursday, July 24th, 2008
WOW !!!
#1 hit it right on the money!
Everything fits perfectly.
Wish I'd seen this 16 years ago, I could possibly avoided everthing.
[This message edited by andyd1950 at 2:35 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]
BS (me) - 61
fWW (her)- 57
Married 39 years March 17,2012
Forgiving, that's easy.
Trusting again, that's hard.
Forgetting, impossible!
"When you take things for granted, the things you are granted get taken away."~ RevRun.
SoDisappointed ( member #19609) posted at 8:41 PM on Thursday, July 24th, 2008
I don't really see my WH or the A in any of those....
DDay-Feb08
Divorced
Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey
Heartless Bytchh ( member #12347) posted at 8:44 PM on Thursday, July 24th, 2008
Can an A start out as one type, and morph into another as it continues, and perhaps in the stages of ending it morph into another still?
I totally think it can.
It is a relationship after all.
And R's grow and change.
And a person's needs can and do change as a relationship changes.
Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit
sostressed ( member #18945) posted at 12:55 AM on Friday, July 25th, 2008
Regression to Jr. High
That one sounds like a good explanation, too.
Married over 20 years
Me--BS, Hubby--FWS (affair with co-worker), D-Day--December 07
FWH still works with co-worker, reconciliation attempted for over two years, I moved out and left the state to stay with family while I get on my feet
OnlyLonely ( member #14326) posted at 1:00 AM on Friday, July 25th, 2008
Mine was a combo of #3 and #6.
Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married: 18 years
Status: In R
toonice ( member #19862) posted at 3:47 AM on Friday, July 25th, 2008
All of the above. 
Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).
RumbleSeat ( member #18401) posted at 3:51 AM on Friday, July 25th, 2008
Is there a section where a woman wanted to live as a guy? "if guys can do it we can too" type of thing? "So if men fuck around woman can fuck around." She would say.
I swear my EXwife would pee standing up.
[This message edited by RumbleSeat at 10:00 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]
BS--39 Years Old
A Father of 2 Beautiful Sons,
3 & 5 years old
DD-Feb 16 2005
Divorced April 15th 2008 @11:13am
--We are sometimes taken into troubled waters not to drown, but to be cleansed--
willowiris ( member #5372) posted at 4:47 AM on Friday, July 25th, 2008
I was married to 1 and 6. He has at least four characteristics of each one. Edited to add...also 7.
Suddenly grateful for divorce.
[This message edited by willowiris at 11:20 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]
D-day 09/2004
Filed for divorce 9/2006
We accept the love we think we deserve. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower."
Litespeed ( member #19410) posted at 4:54 AM on Friday, July 25th, 2008
Me: BW (47)
Him: WH (49)
Married: too long
Status: At the moment I am undecided - I'm working on loving me.
soheartbroken ( member #19307) posted at 4:55 AM on Friday, July 25th, 2008
If you don't stand for something, you will fall for everything.
JoePike ( member #13207) posted at 1:05 PM on Friday, July 25th, 2008
She's #6 to a T. Sadly I see several of 4 in the person I used to be. Some clear exceptions, but more that fit than didn't. 
"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.
"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper
Devestatedx5 ( member #16557) posted at 1:14 PM on Friday, July 25th, 2008
What I don't understand is the complete turn around when I found out and forgave him and why NOW he wants me and our marriage when he didn't seem to for YEARS.
Ditto.
Now, BS's, read through those "profiles" and see which type YOU are!
FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.
aesir (original poster member #17210) posted at 1:55 PM on Friday, July 25th, 2008
Rumbleseat,
Is there a section where a woman wanted to live as a guy? "if guys can do it we can too" type of thing? "So if men fuck around woman can fuck around." She would say.
I swear my EXwife would pee standing up.
Not really familiar with your situation, or that section of the book, but I believe that might be the revenge affair based on rage. Sounds like there is a deep seated resentment towards the opposite sex there.
Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
aesir (original poster member #17210) posted at 12:37 AM on Sunday, July 27th, 2008
Just updated with more info for types #1, 2, and 3.
Summarizing and still getting the details is hard work, so the rest will come over time.
[This message edited by aesir at 7:04 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]
Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
nooneeverthought ( member #20157) posted at 1:24 AM on Sunday, July 27th, 2008
My H is definately #1. Including the walking away and yup, if I tried to persuade or whatnot pushed him further away, when I detached he turned around on his own.
it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you
As1alone ( member #19431) posted at 2:15 AM on Sunday, July 27th, 2008
thanks for posting this. 
Me- BS (39)
Him- FWS (47)
D-day 4/22/08
EA/PA 3/04-7/04
married 18 years, together 20
DS - 19
DD - 16
status: trying very hard to reconcile.
...sure could use a vacation from this bullshit 3-ring circus sideshow. ~Tool
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