SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

JC, it's a "process" - you know this. At some point - different for everyone! - you arrive at "I Know Enough" Street.

Onions, glad you could chuckle a bit my friend - you're going to be all right. We got yer back.

One thing you can do is check your wife's employee web site and see if they have info for employees that is accessable to you. If so, what do they have to say about high ranking employees having affairs?

Chopper,

"The cuckolding of Mr.Mom" is one of the recurrent themes here. Also in the general media and among those who study so-called "evolutionary psychology." Sorry about that, but it's all pretty textbook.

Unfortunately, you've probably tipped your hand in that phone call. If she mentions it next time you speak, apologize and tell her you were just feeling emotionally weird and you have no idea what that was all about. Be abject. She will buy it most likely. First, because she wants to believe you're still in the dark; Second, because she has devalued you as a man. She no longer sees you, Mr Mom, as worthy of her charms, so she provides her orifices to someone else she does deem worthy, namely Mr Alpha (the asshole boss). This blinds her to the fact that you are not the idiot she thinks you are, and that gives you some time to get it together.

As far as proof goes, you know they're doing the deed, probably this very evening. But, just because you know it's so doesn't mean it will work in court. Depending on where you live, though, it may not even matter in court. See an attorney while she's gone. Find out if proof of adultery factors into CS, custody, or alimony in your state.

If adultery has bearing on your case, get a P.I. to catch them next time they travel and meet. If adultery is of no consequence legally, find the OM's wife, contact her, and forward the emails you have to her.

You've had a while to let this situation brew in your mind. Do you want to move on or reconcile?

"The cuckolding of Mr.Mom" is one of the recurrent themes here. Also in the general media and among those who study so-called "evolutionary psychology." Sorry about that, but it's all pretty textbook.

I have to agree, as I've seen this in several real life instances myself. When a man is the SAHD, and the wife is working, this tends to happen.

Coincidentally, my fWW EA happened during the period where I was not actively working (but still getting paid), and taking care of the house and kids, essentially, Mr Mom during those months.

One other thing, I can't imagine her handing over her spermy thongs for you to launder.

Be prepared for her to go all ballistic on you once she knows you know. The best way for her to find out you know is when her FBuddy goes off on her because you ratted him out to his BW.

((Choppingonions)), I just wanted to give you a hug and say you are doing a fantastic job. I wish I had found this site before I knew. In reality my gut knew before I did. SI is an amazing place. You will get so much knowledge. Stuff you will wish you never had to know, but relieved this place exists. Good luck and be true to yourself.

I am new to this site, but can vividely recall 4 years ago when I was in the detective/suspicion stage.

I can tell you, as others have, it is a virtual certainty that your wife has had a physical relationship with this man.

No person write e-mails as you have described/quoted unless there has been consumation.

Nevertheless, I also agree that confrontation will be met with denial. And, in the traumatized state one is in at this juncture, you will have doubts as to whter you have it right. Thatt seems to be the way this works, What we would never accept as plausible under normal circumstances, we may accept under this type of strainand pain.

Your wife has been cheating for at least a year, I would say. The alpha/Mr Mom theory has validity, but, do not take it as placing blame on you.

Many of us guys had no idea that our wives are not attracted to us because we are nice. Very strnge phenomena, butalpha a-hole types attract some women, a lot of women, actually.

Anyway, now that you "know" go underground yourself and, as has been suggested , lay the groundwork for th best outcome in divorce possible.

The custody/maitenance deal may be in your favor as you have been doing the childcare and have no income. Try not to change that pre divorce.

"Cuckolding of Mr. Mom"

Triggering...

So far you're doing everything right. Wish I had played my cards closer to my chest...

One thing I will tell you is that you can't be nice about it when you confront. She has lost respect for you. Time to show your teeth. Be a mean SOB. Show her you're a man, you're pissed, and you're ready to walk away and find someone who won't slut around on you. She'll respect that.

Good luck, bro'...

More great advice from many of you, much appreciated.

The state we live in is no-fault, so it's not an issue.

As to the "confront her now" vs. "hold your cards close" debate, the primary reason that I intend to gather more evidence is that, preferably, I would want definitive proof that can't be denied, gaslighted, TT'd, and so on. WW, while usually sensitive, can be pretty strong-minded if she wants to be, and can debate with the best of them. I really just don't want there to be any dispute once the responses to confrontation occur.

I'm not a weak-willed guy, and I certainly stand up for myself when it comes to our conflicts in the past.

My decision to be "Mr. Mom" was primarily for the benefit of our child and family (and to spend lots of time with my princess before she grows up too fast). I have an advanced degree and getting a job, under normal emotional/marital circumstances, would probably not be too difficult.

My decision to be "Mr. Mom" was primarily for the benefit of our child and family (and to spend lots of time with my princess before she grows up too fast). I have an advanced degree and getting a job, under normal emotional/marital circumstances, would probably not be too difficult.

I certainly believe you. But as with most WS, they start re-writing the marital history in their minds, as you said earlier:

I was criticized repeatedly over finding a job, even though I was the primary person taking care of the domestic things at home, and enabling her to excel in her job without having the stress of juggling schedules/childcare.

This is one of the things that she has rationalized in her mind for justifying her A, with her OM looking more as an Alpha and her attraction to him.

You're doing the right thing, finding enough proof so that there can be no plausible denial, TT, and gaslighting. That way she cannot use the "Just friends" or "We're just joking" excuse. This is for your own sanity.

I agree. Get as much proof as possible. Hire a PI if feasable.

Firstly, your wife is an intelligent woman; she's going to wash her underwear before she returns. She's unlikely to bring home a case full of semen contaminated clothes when a quick rinse under the faucet will remove the problem. Maybe you should look for excessively clean underwear!

I am not at all ready for a divorce in my mind at this moment. I still love her dearly, and I want to fight for our marriage and family

Thats not the most productive attitude to take; its too weak and open to exploitation. Your wife may very well decide to cake-eat and after driving the affair underground, she'll be confident you will forgive her if you discover further 'indiscretions'. Your need for her and the marriage cannot be that obvious.

To be blunt, after discovering an affair, some men cry and fall to pieces, strong men get angry. If you wish to regain your wife's respect then you need to get very annoyed at her abusive treatment of your family and her betrayal of your marriage. Being afraid of losing her and showing it, is the worst mistake.

When I was a child I raided the cookie jar and my mom gave me a half-hearted swipe on the rear. I went back the next day.

She of course found out and told father. He severely punished me and you guessed it, I never stole any more cookies. The lesson is that unless you make the aftermath of this affair very painful for your wife then future transgressions are very likely. File, throw her out the house, tell the BW, above all do not immediately agree to reconcile. Make her ask, nay beg, for another chance. It may be bluff but you had better at least appear strong, or suffer the consequences of fake remorse and repeat adultery.

As far as finding the OP's wife, you know when he is away on business, block the call to his home phone and ask for Mrs. xxx

I bet once it is revealed to her, your wife will be thrown under the bus.

Chopped, After you have the undeniable evidence, before you confront, go to your pastor. Not many are qualified to counsel but it's good to have him in your corner and I'm sure he can suggest a good MC. Don't for a second feel you're the only one at church experiencing infidelity. There are MANY! I speak from experience.

You could start by planting a Voice Activated Recorder in her car. Most of these cheaters seem to call the OP as soon as they pull out of the driveway.

Use industrial strength velcro if there isn't a seat pocket to hide it in.

Only turn the volume up halfway and buy good batteries, those Energizer 8x ones work great.

block the call to his home phone and ask for Mrs. xxx

I bet once it is revealed to her, your wife will be thrown under the bus.

I say don't block the call. I never answer blocked calls, and recently a BS here tried to get ahold of the other BS by using a blocked call. They didn't answer after several attempts.

Chopped, thanks for chiming in on my post. She is definitely having some kind of affair with this person. The thing is, with you not having a job I can guarantee you she will throw it in your face as soon as she is exposed. My advice is to find yourself a job and hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Believe me, I feel your pain. My job is often a refuge from the calamity that's going on at home.

Just got off the phone with her. It's a convention, so there are a gaggle of coworkers with her on this trip, adjacent rooms, etc. OM's group is in a different hotel. PA encounter is possible in these circumstances, but perhaps less likely given the arrangements. We'll see.

OK, called OM's home phone via Skype. Woman answered. Posed as wrong number. OK, I think we have a BS [edit: BW] in the mix.

I'm sure she'll be hearing from me again in the future. She was very pleasant....poor woman.

[This message edited by ChoppingOnions at 9:03 PM, March 30th (Wednesday)]

You'll want to gather your evidence, present it kindly, with compassion (the way you would want to be told), and let go of the outcome. Certainly leave info for further contact if needed (dump email etc), but withdraw, kwim?

PA (continuing PA) is likely under these circumstances. I'm sorry.