SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

from :"Go fuck yourself to death you stupid, selfish, abusive, lying, thieving, narcissistic, manipulative, deadbeat, greedy, adulterous piece of shit. Drop out of our lives forever. I hate you" (Shedontlookback) to :"I miss you in my kitchen. Outside having lunch. I want to call you to go for a walk. I'm so sad I want to die" (Opinionsplease).... and everything in between. It's all there. It's all true. It's all the same, it sucks so very bad, we are all the same. Bless you all, and me too. Everyone take good care of yourselves tonight

I just went to SMC. our place. I cried. I threw rocks. I shouted at you. I missed you. I hate small grey cars. I feel so alone. I miss your body. I miss your kisses. Your warm hands. Our rock. Our rock. I thought you were my rock. You cradled me. You gutted me. You played a cruel game with me for three years. I hope you are as alone as I am. I hope you rot in front of your mirror and on your disgusting websites. Heart of glass. Fish eye. Your mind games. Your utter lack of acknowledgement of who you really are, of what's inside you, of the violence and aggression in your acts, of your true lack of compassion, of your shutting off, of your inability to relate. You don't deserve me. I don't deserve to have been trashed like you did. I gave you everything. Too, too much. You emptied out my life, you weighed my back down, you ate the weight off me with your lies. You devoured my energy. You sucked the substance out of me, my projects, my life. I let you, I wasted my energy, I wasted three years of my life on the torment of this knife edge of caring and abuse, your games, your stupidity, your stupid, disgusting games with yourself, your lies to yourself, endlessly trying to work you out, what a fucking waste of time and my life. With all I have to give, and can't even see right now. I just took P for a walk. You gave me that. You gave me the best care you could, a lot of sweetness, and god did you pull me in with that. Your shelter, your caring, is not anchored in real love or compassion for me. You want to feel good. You want to make me feel good. But you need to destroy me. You needed to keep me on tenterhooks, competing for you with people who mean nothing. You kept me there with fear and care. What a hard mixture to get my heart around. I didn't manage, I fell twice. Please don't ever call me or step back into my life. Please stay away. I hate your car. I hate your guts. I hate your cold fish eyes. I hate your strong legs. I hate your voice. I hate your clumsiness. I hate your cruelty. I hate you. I loved you. Fuck you.

[This message edited by Opinionsplease at 7:14 AM, December 7th (Monday)]

I know you are already on the internet searching for whoever is prepared to be treated like a piece of meat - or unprepared. Dickhead. And guess what, I'm NOT going to go looking for you there to confirm my pain. All the looking, all the vigilance, all the gut sinking into my shoes time and time again, its all OVER and I am going to have a PARTY once I can lift myself out of this PIT you have thrown me into. You SAD SAD WRETCHED MAN STUCK IN YOUR OWN INABILITY TO RELATE and your pretty face and charm which takes us in. You are sad, because I know how hard you try and how hard you had it. I feel sorry for you and wonder how you are feeling.

And, to the latest dumped OW.

Well, poor you. You got out of your last abusive relationship, found your childhood sweetheart to cling to like a mussel to a rock, thought you might get something going with him cos he's saying he's totally wanting to get me back but his actions are telling you something else, he kisses you in a bar, that ends it with me, he undoubtedly tried to fuck you several times later and didn't manage, or gave you the cold fish afterwards cos he knows how different it is when he cares.

Are you surprised now? That you've also been dumped like a piece of shit?

He's a cold fish. That's all. With warm hands. Hope you enjoyed the experience. Actually I feel far kinder towards you than Gorilla1. I don't hate you. I see you as another victim. A stupid one who can't spell and followed him around like a sheep cos she has no interests of her own, but hey. Nothing saved me. None of my intelligence or own resources. BUT they are going to save me now.

[This message edited by Opinionsplease at 11:28 AM, December 7th (Monday)]

You Asshole, telling lies to our daughter. Telling her that I'm not letting YOU move on!!

Oh poor poor you! You had been fucking OW for 3-4 years, YOU held up the divorce for 4 more years, but not even getting a lawyer, by not responding to anything from my lawyer. Every time I made a move forward, you'd come back and try to get more cake from me, because you knew how much I loved you, you knew how much I wanted to keep our family together. But it was all manipulation so that you could keep getting CAKE. And I am not letting you move on???

How many Wednesdays or weekends did you cancel visitation, so that you have even more free time to go fuck your new Whores? Did you ever think that I might want a little break, not with other men, not going out drinking - but to simply have no responsibility for one day? Oh I forgot, it's all about you!!

And I am not letting you move on?

No you just don't like that I put up boundaries, and that I won't be your doormat any longer.

Oh and stop talking about me to our daughter, if you are so so freaking happy, why do you need to talk about me?

You are trully fucked up, truly fucked up and I am so happy to be divorced from you and to no longer feel not good enough. You will never find anyone like me, never and certainly never someone that LOVED you as much as I did. NEVER!

you sick bastard. 23 years of marriage and you treat me like Shit. I look into your eyes and see nothing more than a Demon. How dare you hurt our kids- they did not deserve this. all this and you are really not good in bed. Whew that was better than calling him

Oh god I miss you. I miss your laugh, I miss your warm hands, your smile, walking, talking, eating together. Waiting for you to arrive. Opening the door for you. Kissing you, hugging you. Being woken up by P in the mornings biting your feet.

What are you doing right now? What are you doing with thoughts of me? Do you hate me, love me, miss me? Why am I stupid enough to be asking this? I miss you, I panic without you, I am panicking about my future. But more, I'm panicking about my present, and looking at the past 3 years. At how I did this to myself and allowed you to do it. How I gave you so much power. How I gave my all to someone who trashed it, twice, and still wanted me back to wipe the floor with again fucking someone else and doing me the greatest damage he knew how to do, knowingly. Help me.

Opinionsplease,

Your posts make me cry because they sound so similar to something I would write & I can feel the pain.

I'm here if you need someone to reach out to.

I blew my almost 5 days of NC because I just lost it last night.

He had not put my weekly grocery money in my act & I started calling & texting him to ask about it.

He never responded but did put the money in my act, so he at least read my damn texts.

At least I didn't beg him back, I did however tell him the following:

"I absolutely do not deserve what you're doing, it's so cruel. I never would have done this to you, never."

"You broke my heart, like I was nothing to you. You abandoned me here with out so much as a backwards glance, who does that to someone?"

"I can't any more, what you've done is so mean."

I said, "yell at me, tell me you hate me, just talk to me."

Nothing in response, just crickets.

So it's back on the NC train for me.

It's bad enough that you left me. What makes it a thousand times worse is you left me for HER.

Maybe it would be easier for me to accept your moving on if you were with somebody different, maybe it wouldn't. I don't know.

All I know is I cannot get thoughts of the two of you out of my head.

Your sister just told me she saw you last night. She said you told her I'm a good woman and you want me to be happy. You said you would always be there to help me if I needed it.

Words, empty words.

If you really meant what you said, you wouldn't have left me.

I also got that. He will always be there for me. Ha ha ha. Like he was there when he was sticking his dick in Gorilla2.

He just wants to feel like Father Christmas with a sack full of sticking plasters.

No offense meant re. the Father Christmas on the left here - that one is welcome - SI staff your Xmas theme cheered me up. Thanks as always for everything.

[This message edited by Opinionsplease at 10:52 AM, December 8th (Tuesday)]

I hate that my life feels like a lie now. I was happily married, I thought we were reasonably good (normal martial complaints). I thought you were my BEST FRIEND & HAD MY BACK.

Now I have your words ringing in my ears whenever I have memories from the past. Your words that negate our love, the life & experiences we shared. Bring doubt about everything. It sucks to find out NOW that we weren't on the same page. Hell, I don't think we were even in the same story.

I hate that she's so much more important than not only me, our marriage, our home, our financial security...but more than your KIDS, too? That simply blows me away!

Your daughter is sick, the doctors can't figure out why. We go to doc visits, do procedures, try meds...and you know NOTHING about it.

You dumped her, just like you dumped me. All because she wasn't enamored with your OW.

Because SHE wouldn't rug sweep. When she told you how her health declined you minimized & told her you were sicker (as always,what's new? That's always been your attitude,& god forbid you sympathize or empathize).

I hate that I suffer every month from the STD you gave me.I have to worry it'll give me cancer eventually. I can't take much needed meds to control my chronic pain, because it exacerbates the existing STDs symptoms (and the second one I suspect). You've left me stuck in such a horrible position financially & emotionally.

I can't even afford to get myself to the doctor 25 miles away to see about the SECOND STD I suspect I have.

I hate that I'm sick & won't ever get better. I stood by you through your lifelong illness, I nursed you. Yet you bailed on me to deal with my chronic diagnosis -& impending decline- alone.

I'm stuck, frozen, lost, bereft, lacking any self esteem. I'm so fucking wounded...and you don't give a rat's ass about that. Neither does your family. Didn't see that coming. You all turned your backs abd walked away, proving once again that I don't matter.

You're happily living a new life with your former co-worker, in our FAMILY home. Having fun with her & all your new friends!

I'm hibernating, hiding from life, trying to simply survive what feels like mortal wounds...let alone actually trying to have a life.

You bitch about me "ruining your finances, being greedy & taking spousal support".

I can't even make ends meet each month, dude. I'm not hanging out eating bon bons.

Your OW is the career woman you apparently always wanted, so my heart bleeds that the two of you together have to "scrape by" on $200k a year.

YOU have money to go to professional sports games, buy the regalia,beers, pay the parking.

Hell, the jersey you're wearing in that pic your OW posted on FB? Yeah, that & the parking fee you paid that night exceeded my MONTH long grocery budget for DD & I! You know, the groceries I get by walking because my car broke down & mysteriously keeps getting it's tires slashed. I don't have the luxury of deciding between a truck, Harley 1 or 2, van or car each day....yeah, because you kept them ALL. Because I don't "do anything to "deserve more" than the 36 year old car I took. You want to force settlement by trial, because *I'M* "greedy"?!

Good luck with that.

You know, I loved you, was completely devoted to you. Faithful. Honestly was concerned & cared about you, had your best interest at heart. Our family's best interests at heart.

No, I definitely wasn't a perfect wife/person, but my intentions were good.

You know bad it sucks to realize your whole adult life was a one sided lie?! I don't think you do.

I made it my life's work to see that you didn't have to worry about a damn thing other than your job & your commute. I had it covered other than that. THAT was what I considered my "job".

You NEVER did housework,laundry, made appointments,cooked,mowed the lawn,washed your car, changed your oil,took the kids to the doc, or dogs to the vet, sat and figured out a budget, called or wrote a check that paid a bill, grocery shopped, picked up a prescription, went to a school meeting,went to a doctor appointment alone, or "babysat" your kids so I could go out. I NEVER ONCE went out in 28 years without you or the kids.

Yet you now say you raised the kids without my help! That I never loved you. Wow.

Because I was a SAHM/W I "didn't contribute anything to the marriage". Because "I didn't have a job". Oh, & about that notion you shared that now that you've dumped me, I'll "die alone".

The love/alone thing? Well, all I can say about that is Fuck You!!

I did love you, more than you soup ever know. Way more than you deserved, obviously.

Dying alone would be better than having a lying, shady, backstabbing POS like you sitting at home (because lord knows YOU couldn't go to the hospital with me, like I always did with you) thinking only of himself & how inconvenienced he is. You know, like you did when I had the miscarriage & emergency D&C!! You were so angry I racked up that bill, Like I wanted to..like it was some frivolous shopping trip or something.

I hate that all this rolls around in my head, weighs heavy around my heart...and that I didn't see any of it sooner, while it was happening. I didn't see I was emotionally and verbally abused! I didn't see it

because it was better than the physical & emotional abuse I escaped by marrying you.

I hate that you blame me fur the marriage falling apart, and that I blame myself...

That I wasn't worth more to you, when you were everything to me.

Low blow, you Creep!

Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?

If I divorce you, you're going to lose your family?

You invested so much in your family because both your parents treated you and your brothers like pieces of carp, and treated each other as mortal enemies? And it turns out that your Dad isn't your or your brother's father.... and who the father of your youngest brother is? well, that's anyone's guess!

That's why you created such a large and loving family?

...... and so casually cheated on us for the whole 30 years?

We were so important that you had ONSs, PAs, EAs, an A with your stoopid, slug of an ex:-) for over 20years, that you paid for sex with young prostitutes for 8 years?

And now I've got to feel sorry for you, because if I divorce you I will take your family away?

Tough shit, you weirdo, sex obsessed, big I am, deluded CREEP !

Just fuck off and leave me be.

Remember how we laughed together? I would usually end up snorting. We could always make each other laugh.

God I miss that.

Remember how we worked together? Whether it was yard work, a project around the house or working for the same company - we were a team.

I miss that too.

Remember how we would spontaneously take off and spend a weekend at the coast? Or we would head to Boston, or the mountains, or a concert.

I loved that.

Remember how we loved to snuggle? Your body was always warm and my feet were always cold.

I miss snuggling with you.

Remember the sex? Sometimes it was making love and sometimes it was DIRTY..but it was always the best I ever had. You said it was for you too.

Remember the good times with family and friends? Lots of musicians on my side of the family so there was often live music at whoevers house we were at. We were a noisy, happy bunch!

Our families loved both of us and I felt so lucky.

Sixteen years together and now it's over. You have someone and you aren't looking back. I'm alone. I need to heal, I need to get over you. Then I guess I'll try to find someone else.

I'm afraid I won't be able to find anybody.

Some people go through their whole life without finding "the one". We had each other, we had it all! But then we lost it because of you and your fucked up choices.

You are making me hate myself. I know I deserve better than tis. I know I deserve a real husband and not this selfish ass you have become. I hate that I don't have the strength to move forward. I am stuck. I need you to leave so I can begin to move forward. Baby steps, any steps to move from this pain

Wowitsreallyreal. I am so sorry youre going through this. So unequal, so sad. Sending you courage and wishing I could help you.

((((( Op ))))) This thread was such a great idea

I'm doing it...getting there..not calling. Well done op***

Glad it's helping others too and thanks to the person who prompted me to put it up.

I'm doing it...getting there..not calling. Well done op***

Glad it's helping others too and thanks to the person who prompted me to put it up.

Keep going OP.....you are doing really well and well done to everyone else staying NC!! Believe me I was biggest NC breaker a few months ago and now it's been nearly 5 months.......wow go IgglePiggle!!!

It's still hard some days but no more lies......

Edit: double post.....

[This message edited by Igglepiggle at 2:32 AM, December 10th (Thursday)]

Really struggling. Terrible terrible anxiety. Could be the ADs or did anyone else go through it and how long did it last? Still not picking up the phone but feel like going past his house. Please help.