SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Aside from the excellent advice that you have received to file immediately also know that this isn't a "safe" woman. You need to file immediately because her boyfriend, now her primary relationship partner, is assuredly whispering advice into her ear. Of course she will deny this, but you know it's happening

In short - if you don't file then my heartfelt congratulations on funding some old dude's rap label.

JM72, sorry you find yourself here, bro. You've been heard. We'll help best we can.

If she wants a divorce, let her go file.

One of the keys to recovering from this disaster for the betrayed spouse (BS) is to gain and assert control. Right now you are at the end of her whip, as she chooses for both of you the trajectory of your marriage. This might be OK in good times, but it is a bad idea right now. She's like the drunk captain of a supertanker, heading for the nearest iceberg.

So you have to be the adult in the room, and refuse to accept an open marriage (if you don't want to be in one). Take control. Chart your course. Act.

Sending strength!!!

I don't want a divorce, but I'm not a doormat.

JM72

If divorce is off the table then you have no choice but to be a doormat.

She said she "wants a separation to date other people. She needs to know if we were meant to be together or not, and there's only one way to find out"

JM72

She wants to go shopping and if she doesn’t find anything better she wants you waiting for her. Since you told her no divorce you will be.

Sorry for what you're going through but I agree with others that you should be the one to file for divorce. As long as you wait for her to make a move towards divorce or reconciliation, while she's messing around with other men, you are in fact being Plan B, and that's the message that you're sending her. That she's allowed to have her fun while you sit and wait for her to make up her mind. That will certainly not make her respect you.

Sometimes you have to be willing to end the marriage to save it.

Another vote in favor of you grabbing the reins and filing for divorce.

Note that I'm neither pro-reconciliation or pro-divorce (and I'm coming up on ten years in reconciliation at the moment) but I'm very, very much in favor of not being in an open marriage that you didn't choose.

Knock her off the fence. Refuse to be the "Plan B." Do not agree to a "separation," as that is almost always cheater-speak for "fucking around while she still has her safety net."

Step up. See an attorney. Read up on and engage the 180, full-bore. Take care of yourself.

1) Sorry you are here

2) The first mistake was the teasing you regarding the other guy and 'having fun with it in the bedroom'. Thatw as a big time red flag and you played right into it.

3) Separation is bullshit. I am glad you shot that one down. She is either in or out but separations don't solve anything unless you are 100% decided on divorcing her, then it may be worth getting away from her for that short period until the divorce occurs. NEVER SEPARATE and you were right not to

4) So she goes out and has an affair with a sleeze ball. They often times do affair down. But I don't care whether they affair down or up, they have an affair and that's all that matters.

5) One of the biggest mistakes people make when they find their loved one in an affair is to tell everyone how much they love their spouse because, while it may be true deep down inside, that tells me their heart has taken over their mind. While one is bemoaning how much they love their spouse, their spouse has become their enemy and is damaging them. Anger has to kick in and one needs to stop thinking of love and begin to start thinking about self preservation.

6) I am curious about why you decided to go back to AA meetings. Was that to prevent you from turning back to the bottle before this happened ? Might be a good call.

7) She took her wedding rings off and went on an affair trip to Philadelphia ? She's flaunting her affair in front of your face and then wants you be be cordial with her as if nothing happened ? This is pretty heavy cake eating. She's abandoned the marriage and abandoned you and the family. She is not marriage material and you need to file for divorce.

8) You say you are not anyone's Plan B but you are acting like it by keeping the house together and letting her have this affair without consequence. Your being upset and her knowing it is not a consequence. Because she continues the same behavior. She doesn't respect you because you've been too nice.

9) Again, another critical mistake in not filing for divorce. When you file, it unsettles her world and shows a consequence. You control the process from there on in. The pace and take control and she loses it. She's not going to file because she gets to have you as plan B and gets to have her affair too. You can say 'I'm not her plan B' all you want, but you are and currently, you are tolerating it. She's not going to file and you will be in limbo

10) How old are your kids and is she abandoning them too ?

11) Did you at least kick her out of the bedroom and end all sexual relations with her yet ?

Time for action was the moment you read her phone. February 1 should have been "get the fuck out of the house" day

Listen to the people here. You are feeding her affair but don't know it.

I personally wouldn't forgive her or reconcile. Even if you do, how long are you going to doormat yourself ?

What's your gameplan, dude ?

First I would tell her that if she wants to find out if there is anything better out there while dating other guys, then tell her to get her own place and pay all of the bills.

If she wants to come and go if she pleases and stay out all night long and then come in at all hours, tell her to get her own place and pay the bills, because you are not running a motel there for her.

Close all joint accounts and open one for yourself, putting all of your money going forward into it.

Do not have sex with her, and think about getting tested for STDS.

A mid life crises maybe, but at this point, she has said some things and done some things that might not be able to be overcome.

When the grass is greener on the other side of the fence it may only be because it is over a septic tank. I agree with the thought of filing yourself. Her decisions are self-serving without you in mind. Each of us who have had a wayward spouse deserve better than what we had been given.

Please file for divorce.

"I don't know if I want a divorce, or not having you in my life. I just know I'm not happy and feel like there may be something better out there, and I need to find out"

This is the same stuff my wife would tell me. It wasn't until I finally caught her and told her she had til the weekend to pack up and leave the home did she seem to suddenly come to her senses. Don't wait for her to file. If she is not dropping him like a rock now, file. Don't let her decide. By her actions , she has already made her choice. Sorry.

You are getting pretty good advice here. Take heed . The situation you are in sucks and by playing the nice guy won't help you, it will only hurt you. You need to protect yourself at this point by going to see a lawyer and file . This will protect your assets and future because once she realizes the gravy train is pulling out she will go after whatever she can. Filing protects you . It also gives you the control because the last thing you want is for your unpredictable wayward wife and the OM calling the shots. She my snap out of it and she may not, but regardless you need to protect yourself legally.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 10:06 AM, March 21st (Monday)]

not too long after DDAY with my wife, I talked to my cousin who was a priest. the first thing bit of advice he gave me was

PROTECT YOURSELF.

HIRE A LAWYER

DRAW UP DIVORCE PAPERS

FILE

PROTECT YOURSELF NOW...ASAP....

this advice from A PRIEST

that was good advice.

I had papers drawn up within 2 days, and had he sign less then 2 weeks post DDAY.

we are in R at this point thought, 15 months post

Ok, I went to sleep and woke up to find a ton of questions. I appreciate it, so I'll try to answer as many as I can.

Our kids are (son) 24, (son) 17, daughter (16), daughter (13)

She earned her degrees early on in our marriage while I was drinking, so she's the bread winner. Her salary is approaching 6 figures a year. I'm about half that. She just got herself her dream car, a $47,000 2016 Dodge Challenger.

Our house was appraised for about $290K to $300K. We owe about $170K, so we have about $120K to $130K inequity in the house. And here is where he fantasies won't match up with reality -

She wants to keep the house and buy me out. OK, a check for $60K to $65K will do. After that check is written, my salary walks out the front door with me. Good luck after that. Dream car? Gone. House? On 1 salary? Gone. Trips to Vegas, Costa Rica, Punta Cana? Gone. Hope the new sex was worth it. It's gonna be a hell of a price to pay.

[This message edited by JM72 at 10:44 AM, March 21st (Monday)]

Aside from everyone saying file for a divorce, I know a guy who is a divorce attorney who goes to my Tuesday night AA meetings. I'll ask him a few questions tomorrow night.

We were in counseling on and off for the last 5 years. Our counselor knows what has been going on, and he knows her mental background. He said it's only a matter of time before she falls on her face, but he said he thought I was doing everything right - not leaving the house, detaching from her, taking care of the kids and the house, the cooking, cleaning.

Look, I'm not cleaning the house, doing the cooking, shopping, etc, to get brownie points from her. I'm doing it because it makes me feel better, and both the kids and I deserve it.

I appreciate the replies, JM.

Talk to that attorney and move on to a better place.

I do have one question though. Do you feel that it all started with that bedroom talk ? Did you, during that period of time, give her the impression or say something that made her think she can do this ?

What she did was very wrong and she is not worthy of being married anymore. You deserve better but the bedroom talk thing is one thing that's sticking out in my mind. Hoping that any mistakes you made during the process aren't repeated going forward

I also have to add, she has deep codependency issues that have never been addressed or treated. This I know from my 12 step program, lots of reading on codependency, and speaking with our therapist.

It doesn't justify anything she's doing, but it is a big factor to her thinking. She blames me for how she feels. It's my fault if she's hurting, or angry, or depressed. She won't own up to anything, and if she has to, she'll say - "well who do you think made me this way?"

And so this new escape is exactly what she needs to temporarily feel better, but from what she told her sister, she knows it won't last.

Deep untreated codependency issues can be as mentally crippling as untreated alcoholism. I view her as a sick person, not a bad person. Don't get me wrong, I still want to scream at her, but it's the main reason why I've been somewhat laid back and not totally flipping out. I do love her, but she's not stable right now. Makes it hard to know what the next move is.

Western, I'm half responsible for the bedroom pillow talk about other guys. We both seemed to get off on it, and it was something we were enjoying, as married adults, together behind closed doors. I'll probably get alot of heat for saying that, but I'm sure there are tons of other couples who play out fantasies or roll play stuff. I'm just admitting to it.

I view her as a sick person, not a bad person.

Based on her behavior, you should view her as your enemy. You are rationalizing. She has experienced no consequences.I echo those who have advised you to see an attorney.

Western, I'm half responsible for the bedroom pillow talk about other guys. We both seemed to get off on it, and it was something we were enjoying, as married adults, together behind closed doors. I'll probably get alot of heat for saying that, but I'm sure there are tons of other couples who play out fantasies or roll play stuff. I'm just admitting to it.

I don't think that is the problem, JM72. Reading back on your previous threads your WW had an A 20yrs ago. What kind of consequences did she deal with as result back then? I hope your effort to see your part in the M before the first A of hers wasn't actually rug sweeping the first A. If so, well....there you go with the second A. I think healingroad is right in that your one play here is to file for D. The objective here is to get out of infidelity, not preserve a marriage with a known and active cheater.

Ok, she's not stable, why would that change your needed course of action? Some Co-D of your own?

Not trying to be an ass, just wanting you to look at your own motivations.

Strength