SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was in your shoes 25 years ago. My fiancé was having an affair. The only difference is she chose him and left me for him. But I do understand the betrayal you are feeling.

Look young friend, she cheated, she knowingly cheated, she continued to cheat all the way up till she came home. And she brought home the gift of a STD. Is that the future you want? To head into marriage with a woman that has already cheated and taking the chance of catching a STD that will haunt you the rest of your life?

You need to take the ring back and get a refund. Or save it for a woman that will be faithful to you. This relationship will not last. Save yourself the heartache and move on. Remember, even after you told her you where planning to propose she still continued with this other guy. A woman that loved you and is worthwhile would not do this to you.

[This message edited by longforgotten at 2:43 AM, April 23rd (Saturday)]

Please look through the site and see how many members talk about affair number one, affair number two ect... Your girlfriend made the choice to cheat several times during the two weeks. The first time crossing the line and becoming a cheater is always the hardest which is now out of the way. Cheaters are good at one thing. Being selfish and convincing themselves that doing so is okay because they will not get caught or their partner pushed them to it. Run fast....

First of all, sorry to see you here. This place is the best forum on the Internet that nobody ever wants to have to join. But while you're here I hope you get the advice you need.

I was in the same boat as you around two years ago, with someone I considered the girl of my dreams and I wouldn't even consider the warning signs until I found out for myself. It's devastating, but every part of you wants to forget and go on as if nothing ever happened.

Now I don't want you to make the mistake I made. I forgot about it, pushed it to the back of my mind and struggled through it. In November I proposed, and last week it happened all over again. Now I'm sitting here with my bags packed waiting for a moving van to come pick up my things before I leave.

My advice? Run. Run as fast and as far as you can. She's not telling you everything, and she's trying to win you back by doing everything right, but as soon as you say you'll stay that'll go away. You're young, you've got your whole life ahead of you. Out there somewhere is the person for you, just waiting for the day they meet you. The right person for you would never do something so horrible.

In the end this is your decision to make, but I hope we can all be of some help.

Toopol,

First I would like to say that I am so sorry you are here and for the pain you are going through. I am still fairly new to SI but I have received some great advice and have been helped through some dark days on here. Keep posting and even using the forum to vent. It is very helpful.

I then would like to say unfortunately, I agree with what everyone else has said and think you should break it off with her. I know exactly how you feel in that initial moment. You have so many emotions and you are so hurt but yet you want to stay with this person you are in love with!! You want to believe every thing they are saying even though you know they are not full telling you everything!! You guys are dating and she already cheated. You think that maybe you can work through this but I promise you that your emotions are going to change. Maybe don't make a decision right now because what I was told was to wait a few months before deciding exactly what I wanted before deciding to leave.

However, I am now 8 months since DDay and I find it getting harder and harder to stay and I've been with this man for over 15 years!! That's about half of my life. I am still in love with him and always pictured spending the rest of my life with him but now it is different. I do love him and I think I always will but a lot has changed for me. I can see a future where I am not with him and it scares me and breaks my heart but it was never an option before I found out what he did. I never thought I would feel like this but here I am now sitting downstairs on the couch because what he did to me crept into my mind and I just couldn't bare to be next to him. My husband cheated 5 years ago before we were married when we were having a "rough patch." I just found out after being married a year!! I will tell you this, if we were not married, I wouldn't have stayed. If I found out when it initially happened, as hard as it would be, I would have left. I'm sorry because I know it is so hard to hear this. In the beginning, it was so hard to read some advice that told me to leave. This truly is one of, if not the hardest thing you will go through!

My best advice to you is to leave for awhile, separate. See what you want and then a few months down the road if you really want to get back together and believe she wouldn't do it again, try. I think a huge red flag to me was that she spoke to you and you told her you were going to propose (which is what she was looking for) but she chose to continue on with this guy. Whatever you may choose- good luck. The next year is going to be one hell of a ride. You will have so many ups and downs- mostly downs. Come here for support and advice even if it's just read what other people have gone through. It has helped get me through some nights!! I know how hard this is!! It's good you are in IC! Good luck! Sorry that was so long!!

the guy was never any threat. here, there, doesnt matter.

the threat is your gf throwing herself on another guys penis.

thats the roblem. not him. her. all on her.

you should be terrified her go to response to relationship issues is another guy. any guy.

because nothin special about other guy. he was there. she wanted to do it. so she did it.

so idea hes far away so no risk isnt true. risk is her. not him. always be possible for anyone to cheat. its easy if they want too.

this is supposed to be easiest time of your relationship. it only gets harder after marriage.

i echo the advice - run.

Sorry that you are here, friend. But let me be a voice in the minority that does NOT just say to cut and run. Also, let me say that I do not disagree with the other posters' offers of advice, because they are advising what they feel is best for you(and may very well be the case).

I believe that most any person is redeemable, if they choose to be. This site was founded by a couple who had infidelity nearly destroy their relationship. There are many former waywards here that have done so much work on themselves, and have helped so many others, that they simply aren't looked at as the people they were at the times of their cheating.

The bottom line is, this is a personal choice, and only you can make it.

I know it doesn't count for much, but I trust that she truly regrets and hates that she did it (and not just because of the consequences for her).

That may be so, but it will take time to see if this is really true. Remember, she knew that it was beyond wrong, started to admit it to you, but still continued it up to the last available minute. Ask yourself, if she was gone for one, two, three more weeks---would she have continued up to the last moment? Did the only factors that stopped the affair was accessibility and convenience?

I don't take responsibility, but does it not matter at all that I had been so unsure of our relationship, leaving her insecure for so long?

Absolutely not. How can this been 100% on her when you try to accept some sort of responsibility? If there is nothing else that you can learn from this entire situation, it is that NOTHING that you have done...or not done...has caused her to cheat. If so, then what happens the next time that you do not satisfy her wishes, or the two of you hit a rough patch---because that my friend, is life.

When *would* it be worth trying?

This is where it is a personal choice. Let's say for the sake of discussion, that your gf is fully committed to reconcile. That is the minimum that she needs to be. She has to be willing to work on her issues while helping you heal. You then have to get to a point to where (1) you have come to the complete acceptance that you will be okay whether you leave this relationship, or make an attempt at reconciliation, and (2) personally decide if you are "all in" at making that attempt. Without doubt, the proposal is now on an undeterminable hold. If you were uncertain about marriage before infidelity, then all I can say is WOW, you now have some huge obstacles to overcome. Maybe they can't be accomplished.

But you get to make that decision to try....or not. It is your choice.

Someone one this site recently said "reconciling is something you do for the rest of your life". Ultimately, you don't know if you are truly reconciled until you die. Are you ready to spend the rest of your life reconciling and more importantly, do you think she is really willing to?

My sister is getting married to the guy she cheated on with my husband in two weeks. I shared the same with him. So many here are doing everything they can to "get their ducks in a row" and figure out how to disentangle themselves from a legally binding marriage with all trappings, i.e. mortgage, kids and whatnot, because many cheaters don't have what it takes to reconcile. My sister's fiance and you are determined to legally entangle yourselves to people who have already proved they are a bad bet.

I'm so sorry that she chose to put her wants in front of your needs. It is devastating to have your heart disregarded for her wants. Just know that she's already proved that her wants come first and in all probability will continue to do that as long as you're willing to accept it.

I personally would never be willing to give someone I loved an STD that will affect them for the rest of their lives...because I love them and put their health and safety FIRST.

You are in a position that I envy. I think the reason people say run is because if they were sitting in your shoes, it would be like sitting on a million bucks to know beforehand and bail before the legal entanglements and years of being put last occurred. I know, I would.

There is someone out there that will put your heart and needs in front of their wants, she is not that person though...

Look, you are a grown man and you can make sound choices for yourself. We've all read the healing library and know what advice we should take and what advice we should leave.

Your wgf has a life long STD which you will get if you continue with her.

Do you see children in your future?

I'm not trying to stigmatize your gf, herpes can be managed well, but seriously, every outbreak she gets will be a reminder of your future and her choices in the past.

Even in my early 20's I know that I would not have dated a man who had an STD. I value my health too much.

Good luck to you and I am so sorry that you find yourself here.

So, let me get this straight... She went on a two week business trip, met someone, fell in love, he was willing to marry her as ASAP, he's a virgin, gives her herpes, now she wants back. Almost all while she knows you want to propose to her.

Sorry, my bullshit-o-meter was pegged on this one. Is this OM a co-worker? She's probably been in an EA (at least) with him for quite a while. Look how long you two have been together, and were just about to get engaged. Something doesn't add up here.

As far as advice, what if your best friend told you this story? What advice would you give to him? Marry her, and hope that getting herpes isn't that bad? Hope that if you have kids, that they don't suffer from being born to a mother that has herpes?

If she's cheating during what should be the best time in a relationship (all unicorns, sunshine, etc.) what will happen when her piss poor coping skills are really put to the test with kids, bills, job stress, shitty diapers, loss of parents, etc., or some other sleazebag starts to sweet talk her?

She's willing to work on fixing the damage she's done.

After having her two weeks of "fun" and finding out the guy was a lied to her...

She takes full responsibility, and she's supporting me through my own pain and anger.

Not if she is saying that this happened because you weren't giving her enough attention, showing her more love, showing her more commitment...she's shifting the blame to you.

I was truly ready to marry her before this happened. So, in a lot of ways, it seems like our relationship is a great candidate for reconciliation.

I don't see this. The cheating prior to marriage is a huge red flag. The cheating because you wouldn't commit your life to her as quickly as she wanted... huge red flag, the cheating because you weren't showing her enough "love" huge red flag.

You are getting a lot of advice to RUN. That advice is mostly given from people that are thinking... If I'd known my spouse was the type of persons that would cheat prior to getting married would I have married her? Prior to having kids, prior to getting herps, prior to buying a house together, prior to joint finances/debt, prior to...

You can't think of this as... if we were married she wouldn't have cheated. That's like saying "if I get pregnate it will save the marriage" ...it's not the commitment that caused her to cheat.

Your unwillingness to commitment to marriage after 2 years (which I don't think is bad) might have been more of a gut feeling regarding this girl and not the fact that you move slower in the Forever category of life. Look at all of the divorces out there... it should be a many year deal, you don't want to wake up one day married to someone that would cheat on you and give you herps.

I also have say that you don't know this is this is the first/only time she has cheated...She got herps and had to tell you this time. Might want to check her phone and see how long and what and who she has been texting.

[This message edited by Freeme at 10:40 AM, April 23rd (Saturday)]

Let's make this easy. You had doubts about marrying this girl even before the infidelity. Your gut told you she was not the one. You went to therapy to convince your 'gut' otherwise.

I met a girl, and she wanted to marry me. She did a full court press. I like you, went to a therapist to convince my gut otherwise. When I caught this girl flirting, I ran. I was given a sign. She did nothing as egregious as your girlfriend.

I soon met another lady. I knew, and my gut knew she was the right one. Take the pass and get the hell out. Even without the infidelity this relationship would have gone down in flames.

Look, you're already in therapy at a time that's supposed to be blissful and trouble-free.

This really caught my eye. Therapy is typically the thing you do after mortal damage to the relationship, often from an affair. Here she had the affair while in therapy!!!

But....

Maybe you two are just the kind of people that are addicted to major drama in your lives, and you found each other. You're not happy unless you are not-happy. Recovering excites you. It really boils down to who you are and what you want.

Still...

1. You were in therapy already, as BF/GF

2. She is a cheater

3. She only told you because she has herpes and had to (points to her for not giving it to you)

4. Whatever she has told you is only the tip of the iceberg in lies. BET ON THAT.

5. There are 200,000,000 women in this country, at least one that is as good a fit and doesn't carry the ton of baggage she does.

I know it seems like a tough call, but it is not.

Sending strength!

I admit that I had a few drinks last night and missed the herpes part. Come on, man. How is this even a question? Let's say you go into a bar tonight and chat with a nice woman who then shares that she has herpes. Still interested? Are you getting her number? Doubt it. And your WGF knows EXACTLY this. She has a lifelong STD now. There are a million fish in sea. Find one that isn't a cheater with herpes.

What is her motivation? Does her having herpes make her feeling that her options are limited, and you are the best shot? I am guessing she kept the affair going on is because she didn't know she had herpes yet. When she came back and found out, her motivation to "do everything right" really increased quite a bit.

Despite the guy lying to her and giving her herpes, he gave her something very intoxicating to her - fantasy, and telling her how great she is, how perfect she is. Even though she knows it's a lie, she won't be able to stay away from that, I am thinking. I've seen it many times here.

Do yourself a favor, tell her you want to look at her phone, her email, her social media, etc., and see if she is in contact with the guy. And don't let her have a chance to delete and sanitize everything first, tell her you want to see it on the spot. Then go look at her phone logs and see if there are deleted messages. At least do that much before giving yourself herpes for life. Investigate a little bit.

You are talking to folks here who have 100% experience with infidelity. In a lot cases, very long marriages.

It is your life and you need to do what your gut tells you. But experienced folks have been through this. It is a nightmare. I would NEVER have married had I known what I was in for. You have a chance to step away from it. Totally your call. I hope it works out, either way.

Im so sorry you are here.

I totally understand when you said you need time to process this. I came here about 6 weeks ago for advice after finding my ex fiancee messaging another woman he had clearly slept with. He swore it happened during our break 6 years ago. He proposed to me in October and our wedding was booked for January so when people here told me to run and re think my choice of fiancee and told me he would always be that way i resented the comments. I had a "but you dont understand" attitude and so i decided to carry on.

Only 5 days ago i ended up using a voice recorder in my own home because the past 6 weeks did nothing to ease my paranoia after finding those messages and i discovered him talking to a different OW (his best mates ex-fiancee who has broke off their engagement 6 weeks earlier) Now i have kicked him out because hes in love with her and he was 6 weeks ago and he never made any effort to step away from her.

Now im left with contacting all our wedding suppliers to cancel, contacting our family to explain, my mum has my wedding dress at her house, i have a grove in my wedding ring finger that makes me cry when i see it. My parents have lost thousands of £'s because they paid off the venue, ive lost money with the honeymoon i booked and all the deposits i paid. There are wedding invites in my desk draw and i know they are there, written out and in envelopes waiting for me to send them. There is so much to deal with and thats on top of dealing with the betrayal and separation.

My advice to you would be to absolutely not even think about marrying this girl! Sort out yourself,where you are, if you want to continue etc. If you manage a R in the future then maybe that will be the time to think about the next step but not now.

I believe that most relationships can be fixed if both parties work to fix the problems, however there are some things that give me great concern. We all make mistakes and ask for forgiveness, but the person has to be contrite for their actions. She did not do this, she said what the heck, I have already messed up, I will have my fun and then beg forgiveness when I get home. Secondly, she didn’t even make it to the alter without cheating. If she was concerned that you weren’t committed to the relationship that is fine, say so and date other people. However, she wanted to keep you on the string, while she tested the waters elsewhere. What would have happened had you not said you were going to propose, would she even have confessed? Now let’s fast forward a few years when you have kids, bills, and the general stress of life, will she seek comfort elsewhere then? The reason we date is to get a feel for each other, so we can make an informed decision. I just not sure this is a good relationship when times get tough, and they always do, sooner or later. I think she is in love with the idea of a marriage, than a committed relationship.

Hey T,

My fiancé cheated on me. I found out 8 months ago. I have stayed, and we are trying to work things out. The one thing people here have right is that it's not an easy, linear path towards reconciliation.

My first post here looked exactly like this. I got all the same advice to run as fast as I can and not look back. It's the standard line around here when people aren't married. Please keep coming back. It does help to be here.

In your shoes, I would put all marriage plans on hold and jump into INDIVIDUAL therapy, for both of you. Couples therapy obviously isn't working.

I wrote you a PM, but I'll say it here too: at the end of the day, only you have to live with your decision to stay or go.

Good luck!

She went on a two week business trip, met someone, fell in love, he was willing to marry her as ASAP, he's a virgin, gives her herpes, now she wants back. Almost all while she knows you want to propose to her.

Wait ....

It's really hard to have perspective. Most people would tell me to run. But I know there are people who work through it. I know it doesn't count for much, but I trust that she truly regrets and hates that she did it (and not just because of the consequences for her). I don't take responsibility, but does it not matter at all that I had been so unsure of our relationship, leaving her insecure for so long? When *would* it be worth trying?

I think that a lot of what you hear here will sound harsh, like we're shouting at you. What that is, is that we're relating directly to your experience and reliving a time in our lives when, with hindsight, we wish we had chosen differently. For me, when I write to you here, it's like I'm talking to myself.. or a self from many years ago. In that circumstance, the specters of our own past is obscuring our vision of your experience.

I guess that was a disclaimer of sorts. So now I will give my advice.

RUN. Run fast, run far, and put this woman far behind you.

Although she may say otherwise, my opinion is that she does not love you. If she actually did love you, and can still cheat on you while she loves you, then that's not a kind of love you should want. If she loves you, but can turn off that love long enough to sleep with some other guy, well, again that's not the kind of love you should be seeking.

I think your girlfriend is not good marriage material, and you should get out now before you get in any deeper with her. Get out before finances are hopelessly entangled, before you have kids together, before you have years of history, and before you are too old to start over again.

RUN.