SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She hasnt apologized for what she did cause she says shes not really sorry because how he made her feel during their times together. She has no tears or emotion for me

That of course is very concerning. She is not sorry because of how this felt to her.

This means she does not think she did anything wrong at all. Which means she doesn't really understand marriage, not even close.

She has already lied about the no sex part by admitting I assume oral sex. And yes, there was more sex than this.

But that is now a given, the concerning part is that she has to remorse about what she did.

I am sorry to say, but your wife has some mental issues and if they are not resolved, there can be no R.

Find a therapist, talk to your dad if you need to, but unless she figures out her own problems, there can be no R, ever.

Jduff

Thank you for your compassion and advice.

I started readin Dr. Dobsons book this morning. Thank you for the other suggestions too.

craig2001

Thank you for your advice too. Im just trying to navigate my way on an unfamilar/never dreamed I would be here path.

The further out in time you get, you will be able to navigate this better. But at this time, all I see is your wife is not helping at all...which means you can only help yourself and take of yourself, and that might include seeing a lawyer and finding out your options.

Is this OMs wife angry at all?

Upon discovery we are ALL in shock. We've all been there. Stumbling around trying to figure out which way is up or down. Trying to rationalize how the person we love so much could have possibly done this. It's just not POSSIBLE... or is it? We all know how you feel. We've been through it. So... please, don't feel like you need to explain the craziness that is infidelity.

It is almost impossible to look at our own situations objectively, especially right out of the gate. You will be torn between your love for your wife and an absolute sense of rage and despair. That's why we're here. That's why this site is of such benefit. We are able to gently prod you in the right direction and make suggestions that you a) haven't thought about and b) don't want to believe are necessary. We have been where you are. We know of what we speak.

It is very early for you. At this point you can trust NOTHING your wife says. Nothing. Why? Because she's a liar. I know... not YOUR wife. Yup - your wife. And mine. They will lie to the point of swearing on your children's lives to save face. It is the rare cheater who looks you right in the eye and admits the truth right off the bat. So... look at your conversations with your wife with a very cautious approach. When she swears how much she loves you... how she's never do THAT... how she REALLY wants to save the marriage... be very, very skeptical.

I know this is hard to hear - but you've already got a glimpse of the group's opinion. The odds that your wife didn't have sex with this guy are minuscule. These are grown adults who were obviously attracted to one another. They had the time. If you were in that position... would you just kiss? I doubt it. So already you have something very significant to doubt about your wife's honesty. And without honesty there is no healing.

There are lots of great folks here who will continue to give you recommendations. Let me just leave you with these two:

Please, at such an early stage, know one very important truth: the affair is not your fault. No matter what was going on in your marriage your wife did not need to have an affair. If she was unhappy there were LOTS of things she could have done - including divorce you. But she didn't. She had an affair... the cowardly way out. The marriage is 50% you, but the affair is all on her.

Second, please see an attorney. It doesn't mean that you have to divorce. But it will give you insight as to what you can expect should that event occur. You need to be strong right now and strength is gained through knowledge. Find an attorney who does a free consultation (very common) and set up an appointment asap.

Oh - and one more thing - please, no "pick me" dance. That is nothing that you will regret more a year, or ten years, down the road. I still hate myself for begging my wife not to leave me. How humiliating.

Good luck.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 10:24 AM, October 28th (Friday)]

craig2001

Oh yes. The OM spouse is very angry. She us how I found out more of the truth. My feeling is she is more upset with my wife than her husband right now....But I feel the starting ember was their relationship. IVe been helping him and counseling him for about 2-3 yrs in their relationship. SHe is a narcissistic control freak...OM was basically my hest friend.

Her affair isn't your fault. Do not take the blame for her terrible actions/decisions.

Definition of friend = loyal, trustworthy and honest. He's not your friend. Cut him off. No contact again forever.

Do not pin all your hopes on a marriage counselor fixing this for you. You will have to do it. A good MC can help if you can find a good one.

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download you'll need it

[This message edited by Marc878 at 11:41 AM, October 28th (Friday)]

She hasnt apologized for what she did cause she says shes not really sorry because how he made her feel during their times together. She has no tears or emotion for me

Sorry to say this. She has checked out of the marriage. If she is as narcissistic as you say, then it's never going to change. It's not what she did or is doing, it's who and what she is. That kind of screwed up thinking is set in concrete. Narcissists to not get better. At best with a ton of therapy and effort they can white knuckle it and pretend to be normal.

Plan accordingly.

This is not your fault. You will have to try to grasp that, understand it, and believe it. Yes, I am sure quite a few of us BS were closed off, less available, less affectionate, or worked more than we should have been, BUT your wife made a choice a calculated to decision to partake in the texting with the OM. That is on her, not you. She could have just as easily confronted you and told you she needed more, she was worried about what she might do, that you guys needed help... anything, but she chose to cheat and build a relationship with another person.

The hurt is awful, and unfortunately it doesn't go away any time soon.

I went into the same mode you did, where it's like I almost felt bad for my WH, then after a few weeks, it really sunk it and I have become angry, resentful, and distant and I think it's because I realized, it wasn't anything I did, it was a choice he made. he made the choice to sleep with some homewrecker from Colorado instead of looking to me to make our marriage better. Right now I find that unforgivable.

You need to feel like she is actually sorry, and is remorseful for what has happened. Give this time to sink it and feel your emotions. From my experience and from reading what others have said on this site, the "why" part of it can take a while, well to get the true "why".

Hang in there. I know this is awful. My WH had a text only relationship with the OW until they met one day in Chicago..... that was the only time, but didn't make it any easier.

SHe is a narcissistic control freak...OM was basically my hest friend.

Do you mean your wife is a narcissistic control freak or the OMs wife is?

WAS is the key word, obviously this guy is no friend in any way.

I find it hard to believe your wife still has feelings for this OM considering he seems to be good at having affairs with other women.

Thank you for the advice/encouragement. Also thank you for the suggestion of the book by Dr. Dobson. Im going to take a look at it....I AM hearing all the advice. I don't have clear thinking right now, I know. Ive made several calls to Counselors. Some are booked up, some dont take mtgs after 5. I want what is right. For me, my kids, my marriage, and in the sight of GOD.... I worry about my OW, and mother of my children, what will happen to her if I make us take a break. She doesnt have anywhere to go. Her mom is a mess, so staying with her parents would not be a good situation.

Is the bolded part a typo?

Let me see if I understand you. The OM has had other affairs in the past. His wife knew about them. He is on the worship team. She has never exposed his double life to the church? She is an accomplice then. She even got angry at your wife instead of her husband? Just goes to show what kind of co-dependent parasite (no offense) she is.

From your post - I may be wrong here - your church sounds pretty scandalous. Anyway, I think you need to expose OM to church elders.

The OM's spouse is narcissistic.

The other guys' wife was narcissistic. He never had an affair amy other time.

I am confused...

He never had an affair amy other time.

Yet you also wrote the following...

Reply to: TT DDays, the last big one April 2015

Married 20 years.

Learned after this EA/PA in MC, this was not his first.

What do you mean this is not his first??

Is your wife still carrying nice feelings for the OM? Does she still want him and how does she talk about him now?

That was from someone else's post I was trying to reply to.....Too many abbreviations. I copied what they said happened to them, and reply to them.....

Im brand new at this not going to use abbreviations any more.....

Okay, so you are saying this was his first.

Really doesn't matter. And it doesn't matter about the guys wife, your wife is the real problem.

And if she cannot even realize the wrong she has done, there can be no reconciliation. She just doesn't seem to understand that she did anything wrong and I am guessing she enjoyed everything.

This will cause resentment forever with you.

Your wife sounds cruel in the way she is handling this.

Have you thought about talking to a lawyer?

Are you in any way sure this affair is even over ?

Thank you everyone for your posts of advice and support... Everything is still spinning.

I did finally get ahold of a christian counselor, that has made special arrangements to see us today.

I know several of u think I am being naive. And I probably am a little bit. But I do believe that with time, forgiveness, , and complete honesty, my marriage can be repaired. Again thanks. I will try to repost after the appt.

you really cant repair your marriage. its dead. she deliberately murdered it.

you can build a new one. it takes work. alot of it. most of the work can only be done by her.

why did she have weak boundaries? why did she make multiple choices to betray you and the family? then she needs to confront those whys, fix the problems inside her that made cheating an acceptable choice, convince you that shes a safe partner again, and turn herself into one. alot of work. and only she can do it.

to start

- the truth. all of it. cant reconcile til you know what you are reconciling with. offer her 1 week amnesty. anything she tells wont be an auto divorce during that week. but any lies (including omission and minimization) after that week do lead auto to divorce. carrot and stick.

- no contact letter written together. sent by you. she changes email, phone #, social media, etc. you get old and new passwords.

if she sees him she tutns and runs.

- transparency. no secrets. no lies. no phone locks. no deleting msgs, etc. consider google tracking or wheres my iphone, etc.

- verify. download dr. fone or similar. retrieve her deleted convos, call records, etc. longer you wait = less you retrieve. its the only way to ever know if shes lying or telling the truth.

- remorse. regret is sorry that this is a problem in my life and i hate dealing with - aka sorry i got caught. remorse is empathy for your pain. without remorse you have no chance of successfuk r.

- timeline. detailing everything to fill in the missing details.

but be prepared that shes almost certainly lyinh now. her claims are out of the cheaters handbook. you need the truth.

The other guys' wife was narcissistic. He never had an affair amy other time.

How do you know the OM's wife is narcistic? She obviously had good reasons not to trust. (Gut feeling?) Don't be too sure about this. I have seen MANY manipulitive spouses portray the other to be the evil one. Actually a fairly common cheater tactic. I suspect this is not his first rodeo. He may have been playing you as well.

I would suggest to stay away from the both of them as well. As has been said your #1 problem is your WW at this time.

I did finally get ahold of a christian counselor, that has made special arrangements to see us today. But I do believe that with time, forgiveness, , and complete honesty, my marriage can be repaired.

You can only control yourself and your actions. Your WW can of course only control herself and you can see how that is going. Your WW is certainly not ready for MC at this time. If she is not ready to admit that she was totally and unequivocally wrong and begging for your forgiveness then both of you are not ready for MC. You will be spinning your wheels trying to fix things for the both of you, when in fact your WW needs to fix herself first with IC... if she can even be fixed.

I really think you should be reading and practicing the 180. From what I have read here, I truly suspect you are a bit naive and probably always see the good in people. And that is an honorable and good thing. But with a WW you really are going to have to practice 'tough love' which I suspect is not in your nature to do.

May GOD give you the courage, wisdom and strength to deal with the actions that your WW thrust on your marriage.