SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow you guys are amazing!!! I don't know what I would do with kindred spirits, and I am lucky to have wonderful family and friends to help me through. I have a good job and two wonderful kids. When I am in my bleakest moments, I think of those things. The next week is going to be the most difficult of my life... I'm going to need support. Thank you thank you thank you!

Bardo, the only way to get through this is to emotionally ghost her and focus solely on those who are not abusing you. Namely, YOU and your kids. And honestly, focus on you.

Ghost her emotionally. Stop trying to make her care about how you feel. Stop talking to her about anything that is isn't business related.

She's in emotional lalaland. Also- expose her A. This isn't your secret to hide. She is not safe and exposure protects your family from further pain. If the OM is married tell the other spouse.

bardo

I'm going to need support. Thank you thank you thank you!

Nothing really to add except keep posting. The folks here are amazing and will help you slog through this.

Peace to you and yours.

If you guys knew my behavior over the past 6 days, you would be horrified. Textbook wrong (now I know). I begged her to stay. Then threatened to kick her out. Then spent hours and hours, day after day, begging her to tell me why she's hurting me so badly. Crying and screaming while she sat and stared. My kids definitely knew something was up, my 7yo kept asking what we were talking about. I made a fool of myself but I can't take it back now.

NO MORE. NO MORE. NO MORE. I am all business from here on out. I can cry alone in bed at night.

many many people have done much much worse.

All you can do is stand up, brush yourself off and say "fuck this. fuck all of this". And then steam ahead.

Bardo -

If you are figuring out that you were doing all the WRONG things in 6 days - you're doing great.

Believe me, there are very, very, very few that do everything perfect when an atomic bomb goes off in their marriage. All of us on here made the same mistakes - that's why we're on here, to try and guide you so you don't make the mistakes we did (or at least as many).

Which is why we are telling you to GET A LAWYER.

[This message edited by WornDown at 3:07 PM, September 7th (Thursday)]

I am talking to a lawyer tomorrow. But my REAL worry is HER talking to one (she swears she will not, but yes I know she's a liar). We are doing this amicably, she swears she doesn't want to screw me over. My calculations are that she will end up with 1/3 of what she would done legally (roughly half of marital assets). Despite being rather screwed financially, I'm getting off quite well if it does indeed go down this way. But yes, I'm having a consultation tomorrow to make sure I'm not missing anything.

But suddenly she is a monster, with very little remorse for cheating, justifying it because she has strong feelings for the OM. She cries very little when we talk, it's all matter of fact like she's talking about the weather, "we had a bad marriage and this is best". She never ONCE talked to me about any problems, it was always me who brought issues up. I ask her if it makes her sad that she's losing the person she's spent nearly every day with for 13 years and all she says is, blankly, "yes, it is sad". No tears, no emotion, nothing.

Dude....Been there done that! This is my STBXWW to the F*cking T! Cold, cruel, zero emotion, zombie like! Do yourself a favor (and your kids) and let go of her.....detach detach detach! 180 and NC her ass! You have received great advice so far.

Trust me dude....if I can get through this ANYONE can. I'm 10 months out from Dday and I'm light years better than I was. Just like Ohfor, I contemplated suicide. But just like cheating, suicide solves nothing. You owe it to your kids to step up and be the stable parent bc their Mother obviously isnt. Especially since she would toss her family to the side for another man.....and do you really want to be with that type of woman? Your only goal for the next few days is to take it 1 hour at a time. Be a kick ass Daddy, show your kids what true unconditional love is. I know it's easier said then done but you have to! You are now their one and only rock!

It sucks I get it. I really do. But IT WILL GET BETTER. Trust me (I know I'm a stranger but trust me lol)

Please read my JFO post "It will be Okay". It has helped others. And still helps me. I read through it when I go back to those dark places!

I'll be back with more....but for now just breath. It will be okay! We're right here for ya brother!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 3:50 PM, September 7th (Thursday)]

The fact is, she's in la-la land. She's gone. Delusional. Her reality is based on one where she's won't be held accountable, won't feel consequences, and won't feel contrition. It's very common. There's no struggle where she is now. She doesn't have to face to herself where she is now. And, trust me, you'll only go crazy trying to make sense of why she's doing what she is doing.

This is exactly right. My WW, who took the better part of a year looks at what she wrote to me, to OM, and said, she can't believe it or understand herself. She says "I was just crazy!" I can't go there now. She says she was just not thinking right, she was so messed up!

So please know: Your wife is not thinking right. She is messed up. Her mind is not working at all right now and she has lost access to logic, reason, and her ability to feel compassion or remorse. She is addicted to the way he makes her feel. 98% of the time, the feeling ends and reality seeps in. Whether she will be big enough to backtrack and find remorse is up to her.

So stop trying to understand and stop trying to reason it out. You can't go there because you are sane and live in the real world. Just stop.

I am talking to a lawyer tomorrow. But my REAL worry is HER talking to one (she swears she will not, but yes I know she's a liar). We are doing this amicably, she swears she doesn't want to screw me over.

On my first D-day, XW asked that I not consult a lawyer and that we "take some time to work things out."

Guess what? She talked to a lawyer three days later.

Stop thinking this will be completely amicable. It may end up being that way, but for the vast majority, once the WS realizes they are going to lose money in the deal, they suddenly want EVERYTHING.

The basic reason that WSs cheat is because they are selfish and feel entitled to do so. How much of a stretch is it to go from wanting to sleep with someone to wanting all the money? Not much...

Si vis pacem, para bellum - “If you want peace, prepare for war”

[This message edited by WornDown at 9:34 AM, September 8th (Friday)]

bardo-

I'm really sorry your here and just wanted to add my support to the group. We are all here standing here with you.

I don't have anything else to add that you haven't been told. - But I want to highlight these things-

PlanC told you it was 1-2 years of hell. And that hasn't quite been my experience. I am 1 year out from my D being final. - about 21 months from Dday. I was in "The Grip" - feeling anxiety and like my hair was on fire, not being able to sleep, obsessing about her and what she was doing and etc- for about two months. When she moved out, there was a big relief, but I didn't recognize it at the time. Over the past 20ish months, there have been ups and downs. The longer it goes, the fewer downs there are. And they are less intense and less lengthy. I'm not "healed." But I function and am relatively happy most days now. The "Hell" that PlanC talks of is real, but it will not be as intense as it is now.

Lieshurt said this:

Probably not. (Getting an explanation) Even if you did, there isn't any answer that will be adequate for you. As you said, you need to stop focusing on her and instead focus on you and your children. It takes some time, but you will get there.

I believe this 100%. I stopped trying to understand why. It was just insane and that's it. She got abducted by aliens and that's it. Deal with you. You've got this.

Again, we are here in your corner. We support you and any "mistakes" you made. This is hard. And we're with you.

Hello everyone, I am having a moment of terrible weakness and sorrow and turning to you all for help. My STBXW is moving out this week. We're done hashing through the infidelity and what went wrong, now it's the end.

And with that comes a terrible sadness that I don't feel will ever end. To recap, we both made mistakes in the marriage, but I believe this is almost all her fault because a) she cheated and b) she never told me once in the last 7months what was wrong, despite me sitting her down regularly and begging her to tell me. Nothing. She didn't give one ounce of effort. I made mistakes but I was TRYING. And then I got blindsided out of nowhere, no warning: "I'm not in love with you anymore, and I met someone".

Over the past week, she has brought up mistakes I made in the marriage, like occasionally working too much, not being "present" enough with our children. And there's truth to that. It really hurts and I'm beating myself up, wishing like hell I could go back and do things differently. It is a horrible feeling.

She made mistakes in the marriage too, and I feel like they were bigger ones. She never communicated about difficult issues, she drank too much... and it all led to where we are now. The bare minimum you must do in a marriage is communicate about issues, so they can be addressed. And she never did, not once. I know that I want to be with someone who can do that. But it still hurts to lose her.

So I know I should be at peace because I at least tried. But right now, I am hurting terribly. I have so much rage and anger at her, but I'm also going to miss her terribly. We can't be friends after her cheating and showing little remorse. It's just terrible, terrible, terrible...

Please someone tell me a story about it getting better, and ultimately meeting someone better suited to you. Because that's the only thing keeping me going right now. Thank you all.

[This message edited by bardo at 4:42 PM, September 11th (Monday)]

I haven't got that story yet. You can look at my profile for a different path through this horror. My STBX and I reconciled a couple of times. In June, she went a bit too obvious, and I have since found she's gotten better at hiding and manipulating me as she's been actively cheating for a couple of years.

I'm now 11 weeks out from the nuclear bomb where I caught her in bed with her latest guy, just a day after we talked about if things were okay or not, and she assured me things were. You can't make their choices for them.

During the last D-Day and reconciliation a few years ago, I spent well over a year in IC with a lot of time considering what if she strays again, and it was only enough to keep me sort of sane the first few weeks. I started back into IC as fast as possible. That, her callous attitude and nearly no contact has helped me level out pretty fast this time. I'm very positive about the future.

Bardo, the regrets, sadness, anger, depression, madness, and everything else are going to continue to be awful for a while. Things will come at you in uncontrollable waves. You will continue to be all over the map. It's normal. You'll find things to blame yourself for, but they won't justify her choices. Try to let it go, and work on improving your faults for your next relationship.

It will get better. It won't be fast. It takes months and years for the emotional roller coaster to level out. You'll still find things that set you off years later. Having kids in the picture can stretch this out as you may have to interact with her regularly.

I remember the first time I found out about my STBX's affair. The first week or two are insane. The next couple are mentally and emotionally crippling. It does get better. You will get through this. Try not to lose focus on the kids, they'll pick up on things and have a hard time too.

Please someone tell me a story about it getting better, and ultimately meeting someone better suited to you. Because that's the only thing keeping me going right now.

Certainly. But first I am going to wield a velvet covered 2x4 at you.

Don't focus on "ultimately meeting someone better suited to you." Another relationship shouldn't be your target. Where you should be focusing your thoughts is on healing yourself, learning to love yourself, and know that happiness comes from within yourself. It does not come from someone else, relationship or not. No one is responsible for your happiness but you, so learn to put YOU first. Then, when you are emotionally healed and content with your own company, start to stretch out for a new relationship. As the old adage around here goes, broken attracts broken and predators. You don't want either. A good relationship should simply be an added bonus to your happiness.

As for a good story? Well, I will share my own. I was with xhole for almost 30 years. My world revolved around him and my kids. Then I was blindsided to find out he had been cheating almost our entire M. I thought we had a good, strong M, but apparently it was only my erroneous interpretation. After I went through the process of healing and becoming emotionally detached and, of course, the D, I met my now SO. He compliments me in ways xhole never did and I am having a terrific time traveling together with him and doing fun things in general. We have much more in common than xhole and I ever did and I realized I had lost my sense of "me" in the M. I put aside things I liked because xhole didn't. Part of the healing process was rediscovering "me" again. It just so happens that I met SO and he also enjoys a lot of those same things I put on the back burner. He gets joy in seeing me light up and smile every time he helps me experience new things or expand on my old hobbies. I've never had a true "partner" with my old hobbies except my brother, who passed away. SO has become an amazing partner, and we have been together for almost four years.

However, I will also mention that even without my SO in my life, I would still be focused on the joys of my life. He is that icing on the cake bonus I mentioned above.

You'll get there, but you've got to trudge through the trenches to get to the other side. No short cuts.

((bardo))

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 5:26 PM, September 11th (Monday)]

Have you checked out the top post in New Beginnings, which is all happy stories of people in new beginnings.

I don't have a new life partner, but I'm not looking. I'm too busy meeting friends and engaging in hobbies that lay dormant for the past several years because my ex wasn't interested in them. For example, yesterday I hiked up a mountain! My body is mad at me today, but it was worth it for the view.

If you weren't in extreme pain, anger and rage right now, you would be a robot. This is probably the worst you will ever feel in your life. And it will improve from here. I'm in the "Hmmm... life's not too bad" stage. I'm not yet skipping down the street, but my emotions are stable and I can imagine a bright future again.

Hey Bardo-

Right after Dday and the separation, I believed I wanted to get married again and have someone to share everything with, etc. -

I'm a little over a year divorced and I feel like I'm ok on my own. I tried dating a little, but admittedly am not very good at it and really, I'm not trying to force anything- If I meet someone I'm interested in, I'll try it. But I'm not going to force it. And I've come to a place where I believe that if I don't meet anyone I want to marry, then I'll be ok too.

Take your time. Breathe. Do things that give you life. Try a new hobby. (I made a quilt-) Take a class. Volunteer.

And in your IC sessions, dig in a little bit to what you contributed to the marriage not being as strong as you thought. Or wanted. Where ARE your shortcomings? Deal with those,too. You are not to blame for the A. But do some work to help yourself understand yourself, too.

It gets better. I promise.

This woman seemed to change overnight. Never in 13 years were there ANY trust issues, neglect with our kids, NOTHING. She has some issues with alcohol, and an inability to talk about any difficult subject, which really doomed our marriage but I ignored the red flags for years.

But suddenly she is a monster, with very little remorse for cheating, justifying it because she has strong feelings for the OM. She cries very little when we talk, it's all matter of fact like she's talking about the weather, "we had a bad marriage and this is best". She never ONCE talked to me about any problems, it was always me who brought issues up. I ask her if it makes her sad that she's losing the person she's spent nearly every day with for 13 years and all she says is, blankly, "yes, it is sad". No tears, no emotion, nothing.

So so sorry your here . So many have experienced this. The HELL will seem unending and come in waves ,as others have said.

You will think your getting better and then it will tear through your soul out of nowhere.

Gradually fading ,NC is most important!

I learned the hard way.

Nothing will make sense and when its all said and done, the cruel treatment, contempt and indifference for my pain ,knowing she inflicted such brutal trauma, To me, is far far worse than the original betrayal, I will never comprehend or forgive it.

Thinking of you Bardo

Sending you strength, brother. Hang in there, we're all in this together.

Over the past week, she has brought up mistakes I made in the marriage, like occasionally working too much, not being "present" enough with our children. And there's truth to that. It really hurts and I'm beating myself up, wishing like hell I could go back and do things differently. It is a horrible feeling.

She made mistakes in the marriage too, and I feel like they were bigger ones. She never communicated about difficult issues, she drank too much... and it all led to where we are now. The bare minimum you must do in a marriage is communicate about issues, so they can be addressed. And she never did, not once. I know that I want to be with someone who can do that. But it still hurts to lose her.

Things will get better. It just takes time. Time to process it; time to grieve; time to get through the divorce process; time to rebuild your life.

General rule of thumb is recovery is 2-5 years. Since you are divorcing, and not going through trickle truth, false reconciliation, etc. you'll be at the shorter end of that spectrum.

I wanted to point out some thing about the quote above. Sure, none of us is perfect in a relationship - we make mistakes, take each other for granted, etc. But you are right, you tried. You made an effort - she didn't.

Her excuses - you didn't do X enough - are just a cop out. I mean you weren't "present enough?" What does that mean? If you read just ONE more book to them, she wouldn't have cheated? It's bullshit.

Those excuses that WSs give about "not enough" are just smoke screens. Because no matter what you did, she could always say, "It wasn't enough" It allows WSs to sound like they were reasonable, yet they always reserve the option of moving the goal posts at any time.

You were playing a rigged game.

I feel like I'm ok on my own. I tried dating a little, but admittedly am not very good at it and really, I'm not trying to force anything- If I meet someone I'm interested in, I'll try it. But I'm not going to force it. And I've come to a place where I believe that if I don't meet anyone I want to marry, then I'll be ok too.

This is some great advice. I think far too many times BSs want to jump into a relationship too quickly bc that's what "they're used to"

I'm 10 months post Dday. And really I wouldn't count the first 3 months post Dday bc I was begging pleading playing the pick me dance to save our marriage.

All my friends are saying you need to get out there and start dating again.....you need to get laid....you need to have fun again.

Why? Why do I need a woman in my life right now? Technically I'm still married. I wouldn't sleep with another woman until my divorce is finalized. (I'm a rule follower and not a hypocrite) I'm still healing. I'm not 100% yet but I'm way better than I was 3,6,9 months ago! My focus right now is getting a custody schedule and finalizing my divorce from my wayward wife. My other focus is just being a Daddy. I'm not sure I have time for a partner right now. 2 kids, baseball practice, work obligations, dinner with friends, spending time with family etc. I'm enjoying "learning" about SuperDaddy again. I'm enjoying doing things I gave up or didn't have time for while I was married. For example I'm going golfing today. I suck at golf but I enjoy it. I just want to be happy again, and being with another woman doesn't guarantee that....loving myself, doing things for ME, and being happy within will guarantee my happiness!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 9:55 AM, September 14th (Thursday)]