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I'm sorry but a remorseful wife doesn't get on that plane. New Zealand is a small country. Cutting the visit short is no guarantee that she won't see him. I really think you should have told her that if she got on the plane you were done. I don't know why you are entertaining the idea of reconciliation after you confront her and she still goes. Having access to her phone's location when she is thousands of miles away will not tell you if the OM is there or not.

Marriage counseling is a waste of time right now. Your wife says she is suicidal, she has presented a completely different identity and nationality to other people and is carrying on an affair. She has issues that need to be addressed with individual counseling and not in improving communication in her marriage.

Anon,

Anon,

Let me ask you this, actually; I don't need to because it's apparent; you don't like confrontation, and you're considering this to be a confrontation.

You're a nice guy, don't want to see her hurt, mad, upset, depressed, or whatever word she will throw out to you, to get that sensitive, caring guy back that she married.

I could be off on this. Hopefully, I am. It just sounds like something I would do. I hate confrontation, I fear that I might be wrong, even though I know I'm right.

I ran this circle for two years now. If I had listened to everyone here, I would be in a completely different place and headspace.

Listen to what these people are saying. THEY KNOW

Anon,

This:

I'm sorry but a remorseful wife doesn't get on that plane. New Zealand is a small country. Cutting the visit short is no guarantee that she won't see him. I really think you should have told her that if she got on the plane you were done. I don't know why you are entertaining the idea of reconciliation after you confront her and she still goes. Having access to her phone's location when she is thousands of miles away will not tell you if the OM is there or not.

Marriage counseling is a waste of time right now. Your wife says she is suicidal, she has presented a completely different identity and nationality to other people and is carrying on an affair. She has issues that need to be addressed with individual counseling and not in improving communication in her marriage.

You sound like an intelligent man. Please step back and look at this situation from the eyes of those that have been there.

Right now you are the cozy home to come home to, to have the bills paid, a husband that will take care of the kids while she jets around the world. She got on that plane. If she was really concerned about your pain, your agony, she would have ripped up her ticket.

Suicidal? Yeah, I know about that as a BS. I was suicidal from what was done to me by a WS! Don't let her play that card in even a passive way.

You are probably young, you make good money and you could have your pick of faithful, loving women. That may sound harsh and I'm sorry if it does but I cry inside for people like you. Kind loving, willing to sacrifice anything for your spouse....and you are taken advantage of. If she doesn't become extremely remorseful and do everything that is needed (including intensive IC)..then she will do it again. And after another 5 years invested you will be back on the forum.

Please, please, listen to those who have gone before you, who have seen and heard just about everything there is to know about infidelity. Listen and don't try to R with an unremorseful spouse.

Tell her she will be taking a polygraph about this trip upon her return.

While she is gone, do everything necessary to get ready for a divorce. Set up your own bank accounts. Transfer your direct deposit. Run a credit report. Get copies of your title documents. Close the kids accounts and open new ones. See an attorney.

Waywards are selfish. The only thing they understand is self-interest. If you want to reconcile then you need to make it in her self-interest to do so. That doesn’t include being nice. It does include making her realize what she is about to lose.

Also, you need to recognize the absolute cruelty of this:

She stormed out and waited for the kids to get home from school to yell at me.

Am I reading this right? Their mother wanted to cause them pain and suffering? You are a Dr. You KNOW what this does to kids.

I have worked my ass off to HIDE this from my 4 kids! I have never once let them even hear us argue. Moms that love their kids try PROTECT them if they can (I'm not saying if a child accidently and unintentionally overhears parents arguing that their parents don't love them...but if it's intentional...).

I think you might have a fantasy about who she is vs. who she really is. Who you desperately want her to be.

I am VERY pro R, btw. But only when there is true remorse.

Anon I am sorry you are here, the advice and support you receive on this forum is invaluable. I might be the only one to think that no one makes several overseas trips to have an EA. It just does not add up at least IMO. I agree with others who say that a remorseful wife would never go on that rip once confronted. Secondly marriage counseling is also useless at this point. Hard to see anything in your post to at least indicate at all that she wants to save her marriage.

Your wayward wife has already chosen.

You are choosing denial.

What's that getting you?

Reading your op, she had a TSA stamp and things from new Zealand. She could have one there snd back in six days or could have met him half way.

You are allowing her to meet him for 12 days.

You need to stand up for yourself.

Thank you all again. I agree with just about everything said. I do not like confrontation and am certainly in denial. However I am aware of these things and of course have been planning contingency. While I do want to R, I realize there is greater than 90% chance of D. I believe everyone deserves a second chance, but in this case I admit it’s at least a third.

If she is having a 12 day sex holiday or any contact for that matter I will (most probably) know. I told her I had looked at her texts to him while she was at home, but she does not know I have cloned her phone and can see any incoming and outgoing messages now.

Anon

I'm sorry you are here.

Why did you let her go?

Are you paying for the trip?

Someone else said to tell her she's getting a poly when she gets back.

Don't give her the heads up.

Pick her up from the airport and take her straight away for one.

She will just get a cheap Pay-as you go phone with a SIM card in New Zealand and you will not have a clue.

You seem to put up with a lot more than the average man. What is your self-esteem like?

I am really sorry to be this blunt, but women want and respect strong men. Show her you are one of them by sorting everything with a lawyer and handing her the papers on her return from her f..k fest.

Gotta agree with cannot forgive... she can easily buy a SIM card, or cheap throwaway phone, at the airport.

Further, I agree with most, if not all, others here that you need to show strength. You need to lawyer up while she is gone (if you haven’t already). Further, upon landing she needs to automatically go to a polygraph operator, or you need to hand her divorce papers. Maybe even both. Find your 🏀🏀🏀... and quick!

I do have access to her telephone while she is gone, I could potentially see what she is up to with the OM but not sure I can handle it yet.

I'm not trying to pile it on, but every moment that you do NOT take action in addressing this infidelity is going to make matters exponentially worse going forward. YOU HAVE A FAR BETTER CHANCE OF RECONCILIATION BY DEALING WITH THIS NOW.

She just went on a trip that is guaranteed to give you high anxiety while she is gone. You put the onus on her, with her screwed up mindset, to stay away from a potential affair partner. Why didn't you simply give her the option to stay and work on the marriage, or leave, and force you to work on TERMINATING the marriage?

It is the above question that YOU need to work on. It is this conflict avoidance that will make it harder for you to recover from this trauma. Again....I am not trying to beat you up. I am trying to wake you up. Avoidance=Damage.

Drumstick beat me to the punch. She knows that you know her phone. This sounds like potential 'burner phone' material. Her primary phone will be clean. She will still probably see him and use a burner phone

When she gets home, polygraph !!

Lawyer up in the meantime

Let me try saying this a different way.

Cheating follows one of a handful of patterns. It is a human behavior, and follows a pattern, just like DSMV IV can categorize a human mental illness.

Based on real-world experience by thousands of men, you can’t “nice” a wayward wife back. You also cannot give her free-will. Or space.

Being nice when you know she is cheating makes her respect you less. And she needs to respect you to desire you.

Giving her free will may come across as not caring about her. And makes her think there won’t be consequences.

Since you are a Dr. I want to put this analogy out there for you.

You have come to a place that is like an ER for infidelity. The members here in JFO really understand HOW to get OUT of infidelity! They are trying to wake you up and get you to accept the treatment you need to have to survive.

I'm sure you know what it's like to see a patient that is in an acute condition. You know the protocol to save that persons life. Or a patient that comes in with a serious chronic disease, you know what will happen if they refuse your professional medical opinion, right? What if these desperately sick people listen to you and accept their treatment...you help save their lives, right? But if they don't listen the will go downhill until they eventually die.

Your Marriage close to death. It's in the advanced stages of disease and it's in an acute crisis. The posters here are sharing with you the protocol for possibly saving it. Do the 180, Serve her with papers and don't do the pick me dance. Stop allowing her to use you and abuse you. They are trying to wake you up out of your betrayed spouse fog.

Your wife is continuing to poison your M. You letting her go on this trip, without telling her you would D her if she did, was enabling her to

keep the poison flowing. You are accepting poison in your life, why? Why do you allow such horrific treatment to yourself? Infidelity is abuse.

When you go to work, think about this Think about the difference between the patients that accept their treatments and do whatever it takes to get well and contrast that with those you see that refuse to listen and won't work on getting better.

Would you expect a smoker with lung cancer to get better if they kept smoking? Even if they had surgery their bodies would never recover if they kept poisoning themselves, right? Infidelity is poison. Trying to R with a spouse that is not truly remorseful and doesn't want to fix themselves is the same thing. If she quits this affair and doesn't fix herself, it will just come back. Just like cancer.

I hope you don't look at my post as harsh. I'm saying what needs to be said to help save you. I'm sure your patients occasionally get pretty pissed about the necessary pain you inflict so that they can get well. It hurts. Surgery hurts, treatments hurt and can be excruciatingly painful..but if you don't do them???

You are all right, and slightly wrong. She is continuing the A, but is too dumb to get a burner phone. She is meeting him at the airport shortly. He “had his balls crossed” her plane is not delayed. I’m done, lawyer contacted... so I tell her I know or play dumb and let her finish out the trip? Do I contact him to blow it up or pray it’s true love and she doesn’t come home? She is toxic to our kids.

Thanks all!

Anon

Look at an earlier post of mine. Look at the threads presented to you. Get your ducks in a row, make like nothing is wrong, save your evidence, lawyer up, move documents and valuables to a safe location and after you drop her crap off to her moms, expose to everyone far and wide, including to her. Ifbyou inform her now, she may come home early to save her ass and kill your preparations. Use this board to vent. Talk to your attorney about scenarios for when she comes home. File D and have her served when she steps off the plane. Don't get her a ride home eeither

Look at an earlier post of mine. Look at the threads presented to you. Get your ducks in a row, make like nothing is wrong, save your evidence, lawyer up, move documents and valuables to a safe location and after you drop her crap off to her moms, expose to everyone far and wide, including to her. Ifbyou inform her now, she may come home early to save her ass and kill your preparations. Use this board to vent. Talk to your attorney about scenarios for when she comes home. File D and have her served when she steps off the plane. Don't get her a ride home either

Anon789,

I al sorry for all this.

IMO she made an informed desicion, she knew what would happen and did It any way.

I believe that you should go dark from now on. Do not informe her friend or anybody until you have all signed with a lawyer.

Sorry men but she choose OM.

This is not your fault. Cheating in not a consequence, nor a mistake. It is a willful planned action. And in your case fully aware of the consequences.

IMO, you gave her the last chance, forbiting her yo go in that trip would make the A go undergrownd and you would be figthing an already lost Battle.

Keep posting. Be strong and get your self in IC ASAP.

Good luck

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 12:52 PM, March 1st (Thursday)]