SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you haven't yet, please read the thread Chamomile Tea posted.

VERY similar situation. Another member, YHGTBKM (you have got to be kidding me) had a wife fly off to meet her AP. As soon as she was gone, and after consulting with a lawyer, he cut off all her funds, leaving her with enough cash to get home plus I think $48 a day to live on. He moved all her things into a 30-day rental and I don't think he ever saw her again outside of a lawyers office.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=604543&AP=1

Page 4 is where he lets her know the jig is up. It's a very, very good read and I think you're ready for it.

I'm really sorry she did this, but I'm glad you've seen her true colors.

As much as it sucks, you're doing terrific.

At this point, you have yourself a little gift. Hard to see, maybe...but you have it.

You have the gift of truth. Despite any lie your wife will tell you, you'll be able to see the truth. If you tell her what you know, you'll quickly lose what little you have. She'll make sure you no longer have it.

Ask any BS on here: nothing more deathly agonizing than not having a full understanding of the reality of an infidelity situation. It's the worst torture there is.

I'd advise you to dig very deep, post here *a lot*, and don't tell your wife anything. Just be cool. Let her do what she's going to do, you take that in, bring it back here for advice. Compare/contrast her actions and texts to OM to the things she will inevitably tell you via phone/text/email. Really get a feel for her lies and deceit. While this will feel awful, it will also show you who she is and what she's doing. Then you can make good choices about your life based in reality.

This will probably be a difficult, painful couple of weeks. But it will be much, much, much worse if you suddenly lose access to information about what your wife is up to.

Western said it best.

I'm so sorry for your pain but I'm also glad that you are seeing the truth. It's so hard to finally come to the realization of what and who these WS's are.

See the lawyer and file for divorce. While she is away on her 2 week fuck-fest you need to have ZERO contact with her. You need to emotionally detach from her and 12 days without any contact at all is a great start. By the time she returns you will be surprised at how much the pain has dulled and will have confidence that you can heal and keep her out of your life as a wife. I know it's so very hard but please take my advice on this. Maintain no contact for these horrible 12 days and you will be stronger the next time you have to see her.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 1:21 PM, March 1st (Thursday)]

Being you let her go on this trip, too late to

do anything except to stay quiet and gather all the

evidence you can from her phone and have a lawyer

file for divorce and have her served at the airport

when here return flight lands.

First of, I’m sorry.

Great you’ve called the lawyer. Get in ASAP.

Next, read this thread from YHGTBKM get an idea of a few things that may work for you.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=604543&AP=1

Of those things, close any joint bank accounts, and remove 50% of proceeds. Take your 50% and put it in a new bank, not just bank account, that only you have access to.

Cancel any joint credit cards you may have, and open up a new one in your name. If you’re a cosignor on a credit card she has, remove your cosignor... do not pay for her.

Talk to your local locksmith and change the locks on your home. If she comes back, she has the right to enter the property but will have to get a locksmith to do so. No use making it easy for her. If you have the money, see if you can rent a place for her to stay for a few months, maybe three, while she obtains a job, and learns to live on her own. Do not let her back in the house to watch the kids. She did this to herself, and now she needs to suffer the consequences, as a grown up.

In the interim, pack all of her crap, preferably in garbage bags, and place it in a publicly accessible area, such as your front porch, her parents/brotherks house, or even pay for a few months storage and place it there. You can always place the key to storage on top of the divorce papers. When packing her crap, make sure to take pictures of what you are removing, and placing into the bags, so that she cannot comeback asking for it later.

Open a safe deposit box and store all your valuables (wills, the evidence of the affair, birth certificates, etc.) there.

Remove her from any car insurance you’re providing. If she drives a car that is in your your, or both of your names, consider selling it. You can even trade it in for a considerably lesser model, if your worried about her watching your kids. If you do get her a new car, only pay for insurance for a minimal amount of time, such as three months.

Change names of any beneficiaries on your personal life insurance policies, accidental death and dismemberment, etc., to your children.

You may, or may not want to turn off her cell phone, if you’re paying for it. If I were in your shoes... I’d wait to gather screen shots of additional use by her to use as leverage in negotiating a settlement.

Discuss extra-jurisdictional adultery with your attorney to determine whether you can can file for adultery based upon the evidence you have, and continue to obtain. While it won’t help with the split of assets and debt, it can help with alimony.

As for the asset and debt split, please consider lowballing the offer out of the gate. Under divorce law, the ceiling on the split will generally be no greater than 50% by law, unless you want to take less of the split. Accordingly, she can take less of the assets, and more of the debt,if she decides to contract her 50% split away. There is a doctor on another board that recently went through a similar situation, and his STBXW signed a lowball offer, such as 25/75, out of the gate, with minimal years of alimony. The doctor on the other board had his wife on her heels. It never hurts to try, and if you do the things to do outline above, you may have her on her heels enough to sign something like this. Be thankful you haven’t been married 20 years, as in most states it turns into permanent, lifetime, alimony at this stage.

Also, make sure your settlement offer has her signing a quitclaim to your house in it, assuming you want to stay there with your kids.

Bite your tongue, and don’t let her know that you know. Time this right so that the locks, car, divorce papers, her crap, credit card bills, etc. all happen on the same day. Preferably do this on the day she gets back in town, and have the process server provide her the divorce papers at the airport, without any means to get home, because you’ve closed the joint bank account, and credit cards, while she was in flight.

Provide a letter along with the divorce papers letting her know that you know she saw her boyfriend. Use a few things you’ve picked up from your surveillance letting her know she cannot bullshit her way out of this, such as the “crossing my balls” comment he texted, or other things you’ve seen on her secondary Twitter or Instagram accounts. Further, in this letter tell her where her stuff can be found, and that she has new apartment to move into along with the key to it. Further, let her know a “new car” is in front of her new apartment, along with a key to it. Let her know that you’ve paid for a few months of rent and car insurance up front, but will not be paying any more than that, as she needs to get a job to support herself. If she texts you, calmly and coolly text back, “Please sign the papers, otherwise all communication between us should go through my attorney, the name is in the divorce papers, unless it is discussing you seeing our children.”

Hope some of these things help. If I can think of anything else, I’ll let you know.

Edited to add: Make sure that a line item in the settlement offer is that she is getting less because she used the kids children’s funds to travel across the world to visit her boyfriend, and you want to top up that account, ASAP. Moreover, once the papers are signed, and any settlement check is cashed, expose snapshots of the secondary Twittter and Instagram accounts, far and wide... plus send some of the more salacious text messages to her family and friends, setting the truth up for the divorce up out of the gate. Waywards have an uncanny ability to rewrite marital history, and blame shift. You control the narrative by letting the truth be known.

[This message edited by Drumstick at 2:04 PM, March 1st (Thursday)]

Drumstick's list is excellent.

This is why I suggested to let her have her vacation, so you can utilize your time to do everything on this list. Her affair is irrelevant right now because she is irrelevant

When she comes home, her life will be dramatically altered for the worst and then hard 180 her as you move forward with your life

I am in process of telling my close family about the A. I am instructing then to collect texts and such where she said bad things about our kids. Also to stay quiet about it for 2 weeks. Before she returns I will close accounts and remove things of value which aren’t nailed down. Whatever other legal means I can use I will, will need to talk to the lawyer ASAP. I am making a list based on all your recommendations.

Anyone have recommendations for dealing with the kids? I love them to pieces and am so worried they will be hurt or become a bargaining chip in all this. I don’t think she wants them but might want to take them 50% so she could still have her vacations on child support money. They are ages 8, 9, and 13.

Anon

Keep rolling, brother. You’re going to have a few busy weeks ahead of you.

Glad to hear you’re talking to your close family members. Please make sure to let them know not to remotely talk to anyone other than the others you’ve spoken to about this. If word gets out to her family... well, it might not go so well. You have the upper hand, surprise, at the moment, and you don’t want to lose that.

Talk to your attorney about opening up trusts for your children, and placing your income, and other assets, there, for their benefit, ASAP.

Further, if you have your own practice, and if you haven’t already, consider opening up an LLC that you are the only shareholder to, or some to your kids as well without voting interest, and lessen your salary personally paid to you by the LLC before the papers are served. Take the leftover money and reinvest it into your practice, or put some of it into investments managed by the LLC.

As for the kids... it’s quite possible that she’ll want 50% custody. For better, or worse, you need to do what is best for them in this instance, regardless of whether it appears she is using them as a bargaining chip to get more money.

However, you obtaining emails from relatives regarding her bad-mouthing her children can help. Moreover, her going across the world multiple times per year isn’t going to help her custody argument. Moreover, changing the locks, and having her move into an apartment, should help mininmize her custody arguments, as it can be argued that she abandoned the home, and her children, and the home is presumably in the children’s school district, and their friends live nearby, etc.

If I were you... I’d also start off custody with some lowball number, like 20% (or less) physical custody, and only budge from there for lesser alimony payments. Yea... it’s a dick move, but she did this to herself. Plus, as you stated, she doesn’t really want the children, so the only reason she wants more custody is to obtain more money in child support payments. Don’t feel bad for using her thirst for money against her. Make her boyfriend pay for her trips to NZ.

Get your kids into their own IC as soon as you can. I have seen really good things come out of investing in IC for children that are going through the divorce of their parents.

Just love your kids and do what you think is right by them. At their age it won't be long until they pick which parent they want to live with so don't be too concerned with whatever arrangement you start out with. Go for being the custodial parent but you will likely have to settle for 50/50.

I am a firm believer that a happy, well-adjusted, loving parent is worth a lot more to the kids than a broken-hearted parent who is staying married just for the kids and their own fears. Be strong and keep focused on better times ahead.

Is there anything you can do to limit the fun she has while she’s on this bullshit of a trip? Freeze cards, etc?

If you haven’t read YHGTBKM’s thread, his execution during his XW’s trip was amazing. He protected himself legally and ruined her trip in grand fashion. Someone posted the thread earlier. Check it out.

[This message edited by LetItBeMan09 at 6:19 PM, March 1st (Thursday)]

again you have 2 weeks. Make every second count. Use your anger constructively by building a legal plan that protects you and makes sure you come first with your kids, even if it destroys her. She has no skin in the game now.

Have a secondary plan worked out with your lawyer about how to handle her return (False DV charges, her moving back into the house against your will, the 180, wearing a VAR etc..)

This is a three tier plan.

The third tier is moving on.

You never deserved this bro. Win this !! Win this !!

Do not wait two weeks. You need to file like yesterday. She can ring up debt, drain the bank account. Unless she is spending on the affairs, you get stuck with half the bill.

You also need to get full custody. You will not get it permanent but with her out of the country, it should be easy.

Why sit around as she is having fun. Go retain an attorney and file. Let her know you have filed.

Do not be quit about this. She is half way around the world spending it with someone she does not know. Her safety can be at risk. He can steal your money.

There is no reason to wqit, she is days from getting home. Spoil the damn honeymoon

Hey there, I just wanted to say sorry that you have to go through this pain. You have some great ideas here from some guys that care about you having the best life after all this is done. It's so hard. You love your wife. You loved the life you wanted to have with her. It's not fair that you get to suffer and do all this work to protect yourself.

Why should she do this? Can't she just be a good and loving person and realize how wrong all of this is? Ah but this is the hardest part of all, she can't right now and maybe never will. She can pretend but what good is that for your heart and your kids?

I'm a tender soul and I think you did all you could. Offered solutions and second chances. You waited. You tried to be helpful and understanding.

This is beyond you now. Your new life has begun.

You will need strength now. I don't think you have to be anyone other than the kind person you are but please safeguard yourself so that you don't find yourself in a bad situation. Your kids really need you to prepare for this new life.

Let her go in your heart since she is already gone. She made her choice. You make a choice now for yourself and your kids. I hope you find everything you ever wanted in the future.

Just something short on the kids...

Children have a way of turning things into their fault. They are going to wonder what they did. Mitigate this. Tell them repeatedly that you love them, you are their rock and they are the best things in your life.

I would also suggest offering them a non emotional, vanilla truth. Their mother is not happy with the marriage and you guys are figuring it out but you will always be there for them and repeat the above.

You are all amazing. This is terrible stuff, but the psychology facinates me. I’m not a psychiatrist and in fact I’d rather reach for defibrillator paddles than a box of tissues every time. I am finally getting through most of the articles here. Wow, I realize I am like nitromethane for an A. I am overly attentive and always try to make her happy, which I can see now is self-defeating.

Tomorrow, I am going to start posting pictures on FB and Instagram of the kids and my weekend activities instead of texting her the pictures. I will not contact her. On Monday I will FB and instagram pictures of myself trying on my old suit (which I will be wearing to my first in-person divorce attorney meeting). I had become too fat to wear it, but after losing almost 50 lbs it should be slightly too big. This will also amuse me because the OM sent her pictures of himself in a suit.

I will continue prepping for nearly certain D and telling my kids how awesome they are even when they’re playing “Animal Jam” way too loud. Of course I will still monitor her communications with the OM when possible. She is doing it through “Hanging with Friends”... apparently because she is 16 years old and from 2011 (pro-tip, she’s not).

-Anon

[This message edited by anon789 at 12:49 AM, March 3rd (Saturday)]

Tomorrow, I am going to start posting pictures on FB and Instagram of the kids and my weekend activities instead of texting her the pictures. I will not contact her. On Monday I will FB and instagram pictures of myself trying on my old suit (which I will be wearing to my first in-person divorce attorney meeting). I had become too fat to wear it, but after losing almost 50 lbs it should be slightly too big. This will also amuse me because the OM sent her pictures of himself in a suit.

Of course using social media is not inherently bad, but please really think about your motives. Moving forward in your process, it's going to be important to you that you're being true to yourself, your values, and your conscience. If you're doing something to "send a message" (without actually sending a message) to your wife, or if you're playing games of any kind...that's just a manipulative behavior on your part. Maybe "justified," might even feel good for a while, but ultimately it's not the walk you're trying to walk and it can't help you in the long run, only hurt. You're not a vindictive or manipulative guy, you're a stable, strong, loving father. You need to be that, and nothing less than that, for yourself and for your kids.

Again, I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong here. Posting kid pics seems normal (if you would normally make a facebook post like that), and I agree that there is no reason to send her any pictures or contact her in any way. Is the suit thing a "normal" thing you would normally do?

Just asking you to be careful and think a lot. You are doing amazing -- keep up the good work!

Don't tell her you know!x. If you do, shell convince you you're wrong. She knows she can manipulate you. Take this two weeks, watch all of the texts, and get angry, brother.

Listen to Okok and GoldenR, anon. Please do not elude to the fact that you know, in any way, shape, or form. Use surprise to your advantage. Stay silent, observe, and gather intel.