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I agree with GoldenR. Get angry and use that anger constructively.

Anon, When I read your last post I thought it sounded like you are making forward progress. Like you are starting to detach and think about YOUR future! That is a great thing! Step by step, every bit of forward movement is important.

Has your wife tried to communicate with you? Is she trying to love bomb you with texts and keep up her charade? Or is she ignoring you?

I agree with the others, don't tell her anything.

Have you had a chance to read YHGTBKM's thread yet (that was posted earlier?). Glad you are working hard at educating yourself while she is gone. The book "Not just friends" is probably the best book on infidelity that I've read yet (and I've read a lot).

I hope you are not planning on picking her up at the airport.....

I'd leave her stranded.

The day she returns I'd take the kids out for the day and leave your phone at home.

May I also suggest you take all the wedding pics down.

Rearrange the furniture, paint the master bedroom with a color she hates.... I'm sure you can think of all kinds of thing to do to make her feel uncomfortable in her own home, but my favorite would be PACKING HER GRAP UP AND PUTTING IN THE GARAGE....LOL!

Once she figures out a ride home from the airport it would be great when she walks through the door and her home is no longer familiar to her. A statement representing the fact that your wife is no longer familiar to you and you can let her go.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 9:07 PM, March 3rd (Saturday)]

It may not be a surprise to anyone that I vascilate between anger, sadness, and (unrealistic) thoughts of reconciliation pretty frequently. I posted pics of the kids and me today. Perhaps a pic of me in a suit would be bordering on her level of narcissism and should therefore be avoided.

I still have a lot of work to do and don’t want her to know my plans. Honestly my exact plans depend somewhat on what she ends up doing. Right now I’m pretty sure she’s not with him. I haven’t been able to see her messages because looking would mark them as “read” and she would catch on to me. I have to wait until she reads the messages to look, or wait until she’s on her way back to see what they are saying.

I expect a text from her saying It will cost $$$ to change her tickets and she has to fly to Auckland (where the other 3 trips were to) 4 days before the end of her trip. Then there will be a picture of the imaginary female friend who lives there she’s staying with. Either way she will need some excuse. That’s when I’ll know for sure.

She is sending occasional pictures and short messages from NZ. I have given terse replies so nothing seems out of the ordinary. I wish I had been here 4 months ago and learned not to say “I love you” back then.

I am still preparing for a nuclear option. I do worry that if her A was borne out of suicidallity like she said it could drive her to something bad. While I think it’s probably another lie, I’m not sure and don’t want that on my conscience. I did read YHGTBKM’s thread and it was awesome! My situation is somewhat different, mostly in that I don’t have prenup.

Spending time with the kids is great and I don’t go back to work until Tuesday. Tomorrow I think we will go to the local science museum. It does make me heartbroken she can’t stand to be with her own children. Collecting all the nasty things she says about them on Facebook and by text for the lawyer was disturbing. She wasn’t always like this, it’s so sad.

-Anon

[This message edited by anon789 at 10:44 PM, March 3rd (Saturday)]

I was just wondering, you said the woman she is first staying with is also a friend of yours. Is she someone you could talk to that would help you and be upset at your WW for having an A?

Or would she cover for her and help enable it?

I was just wondering if she would be an ally and help you through this at all. If it was possible to work together with her to try and break WW out of the Fog she is in. If not I would question if she’s truly a friend of yours.

Regardless you are doing well. Keep it up.

Don’t let her being suicidal be an excuse to hurt you. You are the sane one, so it is imperative that you save yourself because you will be the sane parent.

Anon,

Gotta agree with PC. More often than not, WH’s and WW’s discuss suicide as a means to control the BS. The hope, by them, is that if you believe their “hurt,” then you’ll believe their sorrow.

Nonetheless, and as I’m sure you’re comprehending, these tactics are, more often than not, manipulative bullschlacka, intended to forgive them, without the full truth of both the physical and emotional depths of the affair. Don’t fall for it. If her suicidalt tendencies were out of the blue... then I would understand. However, her reactions are, more likely than not, a false flag. Based on her deception, with her NZ boyfriend, I strongly suggest that you be more skeptical.

Moreover, I had highly suggest that you continue on the nuclear option path, without eluding to the fact that you know what is going on. You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to have a chance to save it.

The nuclear option will demonstrate to your WW that you are willing the loose the marriage, as it stands, for a more authentic one. If she responds by crying on her knees, that may be a sign of respect. If not, then you’ve arrived at the end of your relationship more quickly, and you can more quickly decide how best to move forward both for you, and your children.

[This message edited by Drumstick at 2:24 AM, March 4th (Sunday)]

I expect a text from her saying It will cost $$$ to change her tickets and she has to fly to Auckland (where the other 3 trips were to) 4 days before the end of her trip. Then there will be a picture of the imaginary female friend who lives there she’s staying with. Either way she will need some excuse. That’s when I’ll know for sure.

You already know the truth. She's been with him the whole time. He probably came to where she was.

Get out of your denial it's not helping you a bit.

Cheaters lie, hide and deny.

Don't lie to your kids. They aren't stupid. They do tend to blame themselves in these situations so don't let that happen.

A sterilized version of mom has a boyfriend so we can't be married anymore, etc.

The only one who can keep you in this limbo hell is you.

I do worry that if her A was borne out of suicidallity like she said it could drive her to something bad. While I think it’s probably another lie

It's just another lie to justify her affair.

There is no excuse.

This affair took a lot of time and effort to plan.

It was a very conscious decision she made.

You and the kids don't matter.

I do worry that if her A was borne out of suicidallity

I want to understand this. Was she claiming she was so unhappy she had no choice... she either had to have an Affair or kill herself? She wants you to agree that having an affair was a better alternatives than killing herself? The truth is there are many other choices. Divorce being one of them. She has an IC right? Do you? Do you understand that this affair had nothing to do with you. Think about it. She truly has everything her husbands a Dr, wonderful healthy kids, enough money that vacations aren't an issue... Yes, maybe she feels stunted with the SAHM role but she does have the option of finding a more fulfilling job (in her mind). Instead she looks for a more fulfilling relationship and pretends to be someone totally different. Do you see how broken she is? She had other choices but wants to blame you, the kids, everyone else for her unfulfilled life. This is a very selfish woman.

When this explodes if she so much as utters something that sounds suicidal you call 911. If you are not around her when this all goes down you can have the police to a wellness check.

It may not be a surprise to anyone that I vascilate between anger, sadness, and (unrealistic) thoughts of reconciliation pretty frequently.

Not at all surprising. Normal and expected. Just don't let it derail your 180 process.

Right now I’m pretty sure she’s not with him.

If you're not reading her messages, how are you "pretty sure" she's not with him?

I haven’t been able to see her messages because looking would mark them as “read” and she would catch on to me. I have to wait until she reads the messages to look, or wait until she’s on her way back to see what they are saying.

Couple of things here.

First, if you wait to see her messages, then you're giving her time to delete messages.

Second, my assumption is that she's going to be reading her texts almost immediately, meaning they'll be marked 'read' pretty quickly anyway.

Third, even if she notices that a text is marked 'read,' I doubt that she'd get too suspicious, right? If she notices at all.

At some point she's going to delete all of those texts, right? Will that affect your ability to read them? If you wait until she's on her way home, they'll probably all be gone by the time the plane lands.

It's been a few days, and while I don't think you need any more information to move toward divorce, I still think you should be looking into those messages. Maybe just check them out once a day. It doesn't seem high-risk, but it will give you tons more info to work with, and may help curb your wavering emotions.

That’s when I’ll know for sure.

Know what for sure? You know so much for sure.

I wish I had been here 4 months ago and learned not to say “I love you” back then.

Yeah! Join the club. But that old experience has allowed you to fully see the value of 180 behaviors in the present moment. So in a way, messing up a little in the past is helping you immensely right now. Good for you.

I do worry that if her A was borne out of suicidallity like she said it could drive her to something bad.

Huh. An affair "borne out of suicidality." What a concept. "Honey, I had to fuck this guy or otherwise I was going to have to kill myself! I did it for *us*!"

Some recent studies indicate that some degree of suicidal ideation is actually way more common than we've previously thought. Like maybe half or more of all Americans experience a little something.

As an SI post, this is of course a statistic to be taken with a grain of salt, but I learned it from my brilliant and respected PhD trauma specialist. My point is that 'suicidality,' while there is a spectrum of seriousness about it, is not an altogether uncommon thing. Serious, yes. But not "special" (in a weird way).

I guess I'm just saying that you should be careful in letting your wife's suicidality be an excuse for anything. Maybe she needs help. But she sure as hell doesn't need a boyfriend and a husband at the same time.

***

You continue to do a great job. Keep us updated.

If she is with him, what do you expect her to text or call him? Does she text you when she is sitting next to you.

Default Posted: 10:25 PM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2018 View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may not be a surprise to anyone that I vascilate between anger, sadness, and (unrealistic) thoughts of reconciliation pretty frequently. I posted pics of the kids and me today. Perhaps a pic of me in a suit would be bordering on her level of narcissism and should therefore be avoided.

I still have a lot of work to do and don’t want her to know my plans. Honestly my exact plans depend somewhat on what she ends up doing. Right now I’m pretty sure she’s not with him. I haven’t been able to see her messages because looking would mark them as “read” and she would catch on to me. I have to wait until she reads the messages to look, or wait until she’s on her way back to see what they are saying.

I expect a text from her saying It will cost $$$ to change her tickets and she has to fly to Auckland (where the other 3 trips were to) 4 days before the end of her trip. Then there will be a picture of the imaginary female friend who lives there she’s staying with. Either way she will need some excuse. That’s when I’ll know for sure.

She is sending occasional pictures and short messages from NZ. I have given terse replies so nothing seems out of the ordinary. I wish I had been here 4 months ago and learned not to say “I love you” back then.

I am still preparing for a nuclear option. I do worry that if her A was borne out of suicidallity like she said it could drive her to something bad. While I think it’s probably another lie, I’m not sure and don’t want that on my conscience. I did read YHGTBKM’s thread and it was awesome! My situation is somewhat different, mostly in that I don’t have prenup.

Spending time with the kids is great and I don’t go back to work until Tuesday. Tomorrow I think we will go to the local science museum. It does make me heartbroken she can’t stand to be with her own children. Collecting all the nasty things she says about them on Facebook and by text for the lawyer was disturbing. She wasn’t always like this, it’s so sad.

-Anon

If she does send you a pic of the friend she's supposedly staying with do a google image search of it and see what turns up.

Thanks for more insight everyone. The mutual friend she is staying with could possibly be an ally, but I am realizing my wife is just so far gone for someone to reach her. Suicidality was actually her excuse for sneaking off to NZ, not cheating, but I still don’t quite buy it.

I’m pretty sure he’s not there because she and her friend are posting pictures of her trip and he hasn’t appeared. Also it would be weird because our friend and the OM call her completely different names. I think it’s safe to assume the guy who appears in about 10 pictures on her phone is the same one who says romantic gems like “crossing my balls” and “spank your horny c***” in “Hanging with Friends” chat.

Her plan seemed to involve a hotel she would travel to at the tail end of the trip, presumably to meet the OM. I have the reservation info. She doesn’t *seem* to be reading the messages from him, but I don’t know exactly how “Hanging with Friends” works. Looks like 7 unread messages. I wonder if they are using a different method of communication.

Today was a very hard day. I spent half the day cleaning her stuff in our bedroom. She has 1/4 of the floor space covered in piles of old and new clothes that she says she will donate but never gets around to. I found luggage tags with her fake name, New Zealand Gin, recyclable shopping bags, multiple sex toys, and innumerable receipts for things (like NZ cash conversion) amounting to thousands of dollars. At least it’s nice to know why I’m broke and not getting laid.

Kids loved the science museum. Tomorrow the lawyer.

-Anon

[This message edited by anon789 at 9:18 PM, March 4th (Sunday)]

I take it these are multiple sex toys you have never seen?

If that is true, it is just more evidence that this A has NOT been just an EA as she has tried to convince you after you confronted......

Even without them though.....the story that this is not a PA already is probably a lie.

If she has already confessed a PA, I must have missed the update....so ignore this if that is true.

And keep those receipts too, those go to your lawyer.

As well as documentation and receipts for her trips to NZ...those monies are considered marital assets that she is using and you may be entitled to some of that back.

anon, I'm so sorry. Every day that goes by, it seems that you're uncovering evidence of a completely unsalvageable marriage. I know it's very, very tough. I, too, had moments of discovering, often by chance, my XWW's "artifacts" from the affair. It's the shittiest archeology of all.

Keep plugging away. Glad to hear about the science museum. And the lawyer.

Quality time with the kids is awesome and joyous and of course your #1 priority. But are you doing anything just for yourself, without kids? Exercising, taking a walk, getting something awesome for dinner...even just giving yourself a moment to dream about what your future, happy life could be like? Having that Dad time will benefit those around you (kids) as well as yourself. I'm not saying start pampering yourself all day every day -- you're busy and time is of the essence -- but be sure to give yourself some quality moments.

You're doing an amazing job in one of the most awful situations a person can be in. Really amazing work.

I told her if she saw the OM during her trip we were done. She told me she would cut the trip short and not go to the city where he is and I dropped her off.

Shortly after this OM picks her up at the airport. His comment about his balls...makes sex obvious.

With the sex toys and other things you have found you know she lies. Saying it's been an emotional affair... and yet you believe she isn't seeing him right now? She knows you are onto her with the phone, and she saw OM at the airport. You don't think she is purposely not posting pictures of her and OM? That she isn't opening those 7 messages because she knows you can see them (and she is watching you)and she is probably seeing him everyday anyway. She probably hangs with her friend while he is at work and then spends time with him when he gets back. She switched from messaging OM all day every day to 7 unopened messages because they are together.

When she gets back she will probably say that she "saw the light" and wants to work on the marriage. That she told OM it was over...and she will try to rugsweep the whole mess. Your fear of confrontation and your desire to keep the family together will make you want to believe her.

Personally, I think I'd want to see what those 7 messages say before she deletes them. Are they messages about how they broke up and he is pining for her or are they messages about what a great time they had together last night? You have enough proof that she can't be trusted, that she is having sex with and buying sex toys for OM and putting your health on the line. She knows you have read her messages before. Even if she cuts her trip short and heads home early what does that really mean?

The fact that she even got on the plane was reason enough to file and have the papers waiting for her when she returns.