SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

MH here. (so WW here) Ya she can have hurt feelings but this is to be expected. Your sister doesn't want her around. She is loyal to you. I get it.

My family doesn't want my STBXH around either. And his family doesn't want me around.

I accept it. I don't love it. but it is what it is.

I think your WW seems a little entitled. If she does not understand that her A has had a negative impact on your M and the relationships with your family she is quite naive.

Also, given the fact that your sister no longer really talks to your WW it is surprising she expected to be included in the bachelorette party and shower. To me, it is clear she is no longer your sister’s friend and she is attending the wedding only as a matter of you still being married (i.e., as your guest).

Her being upset about this is a bit of a red flag to me.

Honestly, your sister wants to have fun at her bachelorette party. She doesn't want to be angry the whole night because the woman who hurt her brother is there. This just makes sense. It isn't about your wife, it's about your sister and what is best for her. She has a right to determine that and to make this a joyous time in her life. I can't imagine expecting an invitation in that scenario, much less being upset that there wasn't one. A bit of entitlement there, I think. And lack of understanding the consequences of her behavior.

Had your sister not invited her to the wedding, then I'd say that was being against your marriage and it would be a much more complicated situation. She did the right thing, though. She honored herself by setting the boundary that she would invite people she wanted to be with for the parties. She gave respect to your marriage by including her in the wedding invite. Your sister has done nothing wrong.

Your WW cheated on you. You were deeply hurt. Your sister dislikes her for it. Your sister was against R. You R anyways. Your sister is getting M. Your sister does not invite your WW who she does not like to her wedding shower or bachelorette party. Your WW wife's feelings are hurt.

What goes around comes around.

Your sister has every right to invite who ever she wants to anything and as such why would she invite someone she does not consider a friend to any of her parties.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 12:15 PM, March 23rd (Friday)]

Thank you all for your heartfelt responses. You have all been an inestimable source of support and wisdom.

I spoke at length with my wife last night and she has agreed to go to the wedding. She will be taking her own car and will probably make only a brief appearance at the reception and leave early. I told her that was fine with me and that I was proud of her for choosing to go despite her misgivings.

She also said that she understands where my sister is coming from and if their roles were reversed she'd probably feel the same way. Her hang-up is that she and my sister used to be very close and I think she just misses their friendship. I encouraged her to reach out to my sister (later on...much later on) and extend the olive branch. We'll see.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 12:44 PM, March 23rd (Friday)]

Showers and bachelorette parties are for close friends and often do not include in-laws unless they are close friends. Your sister did nothing wrong. Had she not invited your wife to the wedding that would be an issue.

I was not close to my sister-in-law when she married and was not invited to pre-wedding festivities and did not expect to be. I did attended the wedding.

It would be nice if your sister was supporting your decisions, not just hating the person that hurt you, however, it sounds like she is not.

Having said that, its her showers etc. She gets to invite whomever she pleases.

Your WW needs to understand that her infidelity didn't just affect the two of you. It has a wide spread to family and friends. This is consequences to her actions and she will have to get used to it. She can get as upset as she wants but she did the crime, she has to do the time.

Your wife needs pull up her big girl pants, go to the wedding and begin to prove to you and your family that she is remorseful, is taking responsibility for her actions and that she is trying to prove that she can be trusted with your heart again.

I'm a BW but I don't believe the person who has the affair owes everyone in the entire family an apology. If your wife is working with you and you two are reconciling then that is what matters. You can appreciate your sister's concern but not tolerate her behavior.

I believe your sister should focus on her own wedding and marriage and while she can certainly be upset with your wife, adding this kind of stress to your marriage when she already knows it's fragile state, is immature and quite the opposite of supporting you in my opinion.

This is precisely the type of fallout that affairs create. Their path of destruction is wide and indiscriminate. There are so many aspects of our lives that infidelity damages that we do not think of at first that come in the wake from the fallout and it is horrible.

Bingo!

A cheaters choices do not stop at the door of their horribly traumatized spouse. The consequences have tentacles to employment, co-workers, children, future dreams, financial troubles, extended family, etc.

If you don't want any of those things to hit you in the face later, don't cause them. If you choose to cheat, you have chosen to subject many people to many things, brining upon you many unsatisfying experiences.

How do you avoid the shunning of a SIL, maybe don't choose to cheat on her brother. Poople bring these predictable and inevitable drama on themselves. It is sad. That being said, almost everything that trickles down from a cheaters choices was completely avoidable.

Well now my WW is really upset and feels ostracized.

It doesn't sound like the sister is trying to add to the drama that her FWSIL caused, it sounds like she just prefers to not have her around and the FWSIL makes that her drama.

[This message edited by DIFM at 1:27 PM, March 23rd (Friday)]

My sister an I get along fine. She supports my decision to attempt R, she just doesn't like it. The worst part of this whole thing is that for years my wife had been trying to get my sister to go to church with her. Then she turns around and has an affair with another church member.

My sister thinks my wife is a total hypocrite.

LivingWithPain...

Good for you for handling the situation.

And good for your wife for stepping up and accepting the situation as it is due to her choices.

Here's hopes for the two of them reconciling their friendship in time to come.

And because your sister loves you so much and feels protective of you...I'm guessing only time and consistency from your wife will make it happen.

It doesn't sound like the sister is trying to add to the drama that her FWSIL caused, it sounds like she just prefers to not have her around and the FWSIL makes that her drama.

THIS.

Not inviting someone to your private party for your closest female friends when you haven't hung out voluntarily for over a year is the most normal thing ever. If your wife hadn't had an affair and they had a falling out over something else and had not spoken in a year- this would still be the case.

If she was invited to the wedding she is not being ostracized or cold shouldered. She just got used to being welcomed with open arms and so feels the distance accutely. The FWW's coping mechanisms need some work. This was only a dramatic event because she made it one.

Bridges get burned when you behave in a toxic manner. Given their closeness and the situation, I think it's extremely welcoming of your sister to invite her at all.

Your sister has your back. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe one day she will come around. I think you need to give your sister more time. She needs to see your WW give it her all and do everything possible to make you happy.

Agreed. WW needs to accept the consequences of her actions.

Her hang-up is that she and my sister used to be very close and I think she just misses their friendship.

Actions, meet consequences. If she can't understand why she is ostracized, then she's got a lot more work on herself to do. It's not all about her.

This is one of the reason I kept her infidelity to a very limited few. I pretty sure most of her old friends would have turned on her, as would my family and of course, my friends.

I'm pretty damn adorable and they would think she was the biggest fool ever.

Your sister has every right to be upset with her brother's wife. I'm sure it hurt your WW's feeling that she wasn't invited to the party, but she's earned that ire.

This is just me, but under the same circumstances, I don't think I'd even want my WW to go to the wedding. I'm not in your shoes, of course, so I can't say for certain. However, there's no point, IMO, in her attending if it's only going to cause strife and make your sister, and anyone else, uncomfortable. If your WW feels that she's only going to be miserable at the wedding, then she shouldn't go.

Surviving infidelity and trying to reconcile a marriage is hard enough without adding any unnecessary strife.

Maybe go shopping with your wife. Find something beautiful for her to wear. Get a hair appointment and make her feel special. You both send the sister bride to be some wonderful flowers a few days before the wedding. Go and think of how you care for each other during the ceremony. If people see your happiness together, it will help feelings towards your wife.

for years my wife had been trying to get my sister to go to church with her. Then she turns around and has an affair with another church member.

My sister thinks my wife is a total hypocrite.

Totally her prerogative. Facts are facts. Please stop saying that your sister is being hateful.

I had a longtime friend who was like a sister to me. I loved her with all of my heart. But when she cheated on her DH, lied like crazy and even tried to use me as an excuse to her DH I had to drop her as a friend.

I hated having to do that - but I could no longer be a friend to a liar and a cheat. Just not part of who I am. I am a person of integrity and I just could not enable cheating.

I'll be honest. I really missed her friendship. But being a friend is totally different than being a spouse. A spouse has made vows and has a commitment to the relationship. A friend has not.

Shooting from the hip here...

Whatever you do - attend or don't - should be done as a couple. You both go or you both don't. You are a couple and should behave as such. Do whatever is best for you both as a couple. Not for your sister, or anyone else but you and WW as a couple.

If you go, go with your heads held high as a united front. Behave like a couple. Don't feed the drama or take any bait.

If you don't go, do something together. Go out to eat, see a movie, something together.

WW and Sister don't have to be friends. They don't have to socialize outside of family functions. They don't have to invite each other to parties and outings. However, since they are both in your lives they should be polite and respectful towards each other. They need to learn to coexist.

Actions have consequences. The consequence of an A is that relationships are forever changed. However that should not be flaunted, slung as mud or used as a weapon.

Quite frankly, your relationship and marriage are really not your sister's business. If you and WW are a couple, that's how you behave and should expect to be treated. As a couple.

Best of luck to you both whatever you both choose to do that day.

I told her she needs to take the high road, suck it up and understand that these things are all consequences of her affair.

You are exactly right.

There are really two dynamics in play here. The first is that your WW should be EXTREMELY interested in doing what's best for you right now. Alienating your family is not in your best interest. "Your best interest" should be a top priority for her.

The second is that your WW's relationship with your sister is a separate relationship. Your WW injured that relationship when she injured you. It's up to her to repair the damage. You didn't create this mess. She did. She needs to be the one who fixes it. And she does that in small increments by earning trust, same as she does at home.

If she's smart, she'll take her lumps and allow your sister to see that she's prioritizing YOUR needs and comfort. And having a close and loving relationship with your extended family is part of that. Time and humility will win out in the end if she puts her pride aside.