SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Don’t sweat the trickle truth overmuch — virtually all cheaters only admit to what you can prove. Just be aware that there may be more you’re not being told.

Welcome and hugs, Joel. This is a wonderful place, I'm glad you found it.

I agree with the strong possibility that there is more that you don't know. Why? Because she started with a lie. Then she blamed your XBF. That's Wayward behavior, which typically includes minimizing the extent of their extracurricular activities. Cheaters Hanbook 101. There could be an A before this. Rarely is a WS caught the first time. Sorry.

Definitely see a lawyer. Protect yourself and your kids. You don't have to file anything right now.

Run a data recovery on her phone. Check her emails and internet history. Look for an alternate email, account logins, etc. Get a good idea about what she's been up to for the last two years. Also, check her app store. Look in the library for all previous downloaded apps. The phone and computer are the best places to start digging. Just don't tell her you're going to do it.

Get the big picture of who she is before confronting her further, and don't tell her everything you know or give up your sources.

There's some great threads in the I Can Relate forum, just for men. You should read up there too.

Sorry you find yourself here.

[This message edited by DesertLily at 10:39 AM, May 30th (Wednesday)]

You're in shock.

Physically separating yourself serves two purposes: room to clear your head, while demonstrating to her the enormity of the deceit.

Kick her out.

As you already know, you're not alone. I've been through this survived and arrived on an improved life. Like SuckaNoMore says, take the high road and do not go after your best friend physically. Imagine yourself a year from now looking back on all of this and patting yourself on the back for taking the high road. I look at some of my friends who want to do battle with their ex's and it makes them crazy.

Take care of yourself, your kids and your assets. I divorced my trifling ex and glad that I did. Otherwise I'd probably be wondering at this very moment whether or not she's being faithful.

Okay,

Have you read any articles on texting? The ping of the text is very rewarding. Even from casual friends. Oh someone wants to talk to me.

I personally believe texting escalates affairs quickly.

Who did most of the communicating with the contractors? You of your wife.

I have built homes and have organized all of our remodels over the years. My husband has never dealt with contractors.

Your wife has very poor boundaries. I will be honest. Yes it’s verry true for affairs to happen when a parent dies. Since you have revealed this.....I don’t believe for a minute about her vulnerable line.

This is what happened. Your friend did work on your million dollar house. He is resentful. His Dad died and it’s a tailspin for him. You have your super hot wife who is used to getting everything done her way. In order for people to do what she wants. She turns up the charm. Your friend who is in a vulnerable position because he is working on your house and has the dead parent, loves the charm and attention.

Your wife made it easy for him. Pull up the phone records and look at How far back they were texting.

Your wife had no intention of leaving you. This was fun for her and a game. She felt hot. A woman like her isn’t leaving for the contractor. I can promise you that.

EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE!

If she was willing to do this with your closest friend, virtually RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! Odds are this is NOT her first rodeo. First time cheaters, that don't want to get caught, demonstrate a much higher level of caution... it's only when they have been getting away with it for a long time or across several affairs do they tend to get so bold!

Exposing the affair might get support/information from people who saw things that "looked inappropriate" but they didn't have enough proof to stir the pot... so exposing can help gain evidence.

If you want to stay together, exposing will help to add watchful eyes and ensure she does not feel so free to get away with stuff...

Odds are you aren't seeing remorse... not yet... it's pure fear! Like all trapped animals she will look for a escape, some relief and She will most likely be in contact with the AP, if she isn't already. Others are better at the evidence stuff than me... even if you don't care anymore knowledge will reinforce conviction. So as others will say you need multiple VARs (voice activated recorders) (one in her car, and place ones through the house where she might be having conversation whether alone or with others home. And lastly, GPS! Many highend cars have a feature you can activate or you can by a realtime gps unit, or it can be a smartphone hidden in the car..

Just some of my Sha-Hitty thoughts!

They always say "twice". I don't know why,

It is the same when someone gets pulled over by a cop that has been drinking. I only had two beers. One seems like a lie and more than two and you are admitting to DUI. They go with two. It sounds believable but not too bad. Not saying that it is definitely a lie here but most likely you don't know it all. Look around this site and you will see that 99.9% of the people got what is called Trickle Truth. She has already been doing that to you so there is no reason to doubt that this is also a lie.

I was actually there with him when he text her about sex and she said she is heading in to take a shower and join her.

This part here stands out. Did she know you were with him when she said this? It seems to me there is a good chance this was a legitimate invitation and that he has been in your house, in your bed and shower, already with her.

You say the A is over. How do you know for sure?

Sorry to hear about your situation Joel. As others have said, regardless of how you feel about her, she needs to have consequences.

First, you should at minimum send her away to her mother's house or somewhere else until you decide she's allowed to come back. You really need to do this for you more than anything. It will allow you time to get your head together without seeing her every day.

Second, you need to read in the Healing Library about the 180 and implement it for you. It will help you to get your head on straight so you can function normally and make good decisions.

Third, you need to have a lawyer draw up a post-nuptial agreement where everything is spelled out if you decide that you can't live with her. Also, your lawyer must video the signing session and ensure that she understands what she's signing and why. It's also best if she's represented with her own lawyer. This makes the post-nup more iron-clad in case she contests later.

Fourth, take her name off of anything that you want to protect. She's shown you via her actions that she's not fully committed to your marriage. Believe her actions and protect not only yourself but your kids also.

This is a difficult time for you; everyone here understands that, but you don't have the luxury of mourning right now. You must move decisively and immediately so you avoid potential complications later. These steps are designed to show consequences but more importantly they're designed to protect you and your kids futures from the stranger that now lives in your home.

Let’s deal with the fact that underneath your clothes is an animal in pain. You’re also feeling fear, panic and every negative emotion there is. Your body is designed to get it self out of danger and this feels dangerous to you. You either want to fight, or flee, or freeze. Those are the natural reactions of an animal that is threatened and that is what you feel. You are reading and talking and crying but nothing is changing because your body is still hyper alert at the danger it feels. You are going to have to give yourself time to calm down. Don’t try to use alcohol or drugs and if you can get out and walk. Get your body moving because you’ve got to get some of those toxins out of your system. Find someone you can talk to that you trust. Right now you cannot trust her and you certainly cannot trust him. You have children you have to care for and they should be your focus. I’m like most everyone on here I don’t buy her excuses. That was a shitty thing to do to you. There is no excuse for it.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 11:10 AM, May 30th (Wednesday)]

Mete out a similar, if not equal, level of shock.

Kick her ass out.

I have never understood the consequences-crowd.

It’s as if imposed punishment makes things better. If that were the case we could send her to bed without dinner and maybe write “I will not cheat” five thousand times. Maybe do push-ups…

If your wife is a semi-normal, semi-decent human beings she will already be dealing with consequences and the “punishment” will be mainly internal. I’m guessing right now she’s completely devastated about her actions and wondering what the h@ll she was thinking. I am also completely 100% certain that she’s also trying to justify her actions with excuses ranging from the OM having caused all this and probably also this at least partially being your fault. That’s just human nature and part of the process ahead is for her to accept 100% of her blame. Expecting her to be totally accountable, remorseful and the ideal WS from day 1 is not realistic.

As stated then remorse – TRUE remorse – will come later.

A typical knee-jerk reaction would be kicking her out. Do that and she could probably have you removed for domestic abuse. On the plus-side that should right away give you an indication of if R is even a possibility…

I want to leave you with this thought. It’s something I have been repeating repeatedly and I guess many regulars are getting tired of:

Right now, if you think about your future. Let’s just say 30 days from now:

What would be the worst possible scenario?

I’m guessing that your initial thought is that the worst scenario would be that your family is broken. That you and your wife are divorcing or that you two are not finding a way to cohabit as husband and wife. Your worst scenario would be that you are losing your wife.

I’m going to challenge that. I think that for most of us there is one thing worse. I think that discovering after 30 days that the affair is ongoing – that your wife is still in infidelity – is the ABSOLUTE worst scenario.

REMAINING IN INFIDELITY – THAT is the worst possible outcome.

Right now, you shouldn’t take any major decisions. You don’t have to decide if you want to reconcile or divorce. If you are already clear on one or the other then fine, but this early you should research both options. But you should take steps to ensure the affair is OVER.

IMHO it’s an extremely powerful moment when a betrayed husband can front his wayward wife and say:

“Wife. I have had an epiphany. I have realized that the moment you decided to have an affair I lost you as the wife I married. I have accepted that losing you is not the worst thing in the world. What is immensely worse is SHARING you with another man.

I refuse to share.

You are free to see OM, date OM, have sex with OM… whatever. But not as my wife.

Until and unless you clearly tell me and follow your words up with actions that you WANT this marriage I am simply assuming you have chosen infidelity over our marriage. I will act accordingly.”

Then wait and see what she says and how she acts. Once you have that, then you can decide what option you want and what option is open for you.

and I think kicking a newly WS out can get them out of their fog very fast. not as punishment, but as a here is what your life will look like.

SewadarK:

What part of Domestic Abuse Charge do you not understand?

[This message edited by Bigger at 12:19 PM, May 30th (Wednesday)]

OMG this group has already proved valuable. So yesterday she said no more lies, ask me anything. Then I saw all of you comments about it never just happens 2 times. So about an hour ago I led her to think that I found an app that shows historical locations of her phone. I asked her one more time the same questions from yesterday....did you have any other physical contact with him outside of the 2 times? Did you ever meet with him privately for any reason outside of those 2 times, did you have any other sexual contact w/him? She then said, "ok we met up a bunch of other times in the same parking lot"....did you have sex? "no, just kissed". Did he ever touch you or you him during those visits? "I gave him a HJ over his pants once". How many is a bunch? "I have not idea I can't remember"..like 8? 10?..."no not that many, it all started at the beginning of april." I do believe that after going thru all of her phone/txt records. I'm so disgusted. Thx for the advice to - she is getting STD tested tomorrow.

Not surprised at all and hats off to you, Joel, for using the Jedi mind trick on her to get more info. That can be a very valuable tool. Never tell her all you know and never divulge sources of your information. Now you know there are more lies, that you don't have the whole story, so keep pressing. Make her think you already know things you don't. That's how the police get people to talk. It's basically the same type of situation. You needing information from a person you know is lying. I am sorry you're going through this. Stay strong. Show ZERO weakness. You're in charge or she's gone. Keep digging my friend.

omg bigger, quit being a douche. you can ask/tell someone to leave and it's not DV.

Bigger – “I have never understood the consequences-crowd.”

True, you never have and your biased opinion doesn’t make the consequences crowd wrong.

Bigger – ”…she could probably have you removed for domestic abuse.”

Sending someone away to live with their family, etc., is not domestic abuse. You may consider looking into some case history before giving legal opinions.

Ultimately Joel, only you can determine what's best given your particular situation. Keep in mind though, that the advice being given, even 'Bigger's , is from people who've been where you are and who just want to help you.

Did she agree willingly to the STD tests?

If she is telling the truth that it was “only” HJ’s through his trousers then her expected response would be “not needed – can’t get STD’s through his pants”.

Nah… I am very much against making assumptions, but two people at their age meeting in a van to make out… No. There was more and she’s not telling you the truth.

Make her this one-time offer:

Offer her an amnesty. If she tells you EVERYTHING – what, where, when, how, how they contacted each other, who knew, whom she told… EVERYTHING… then you won’t instantly react with a divorce. You will offer a 30-day period where you two can contemplate your future as a husband and wife. But follow it with that you will verify her story at some point in the near-future with a polygraph.

If – during that grace-period or IF she fails the poly… all holds are off. That will have told you more about your chances of reconciliation than anything else. If now – when her marriage depends on the truth she can’t be truthful will do more damage than anything she might tell you NOW.

We do have a financial planner that controls all of our major assets..retirement, trusts, 529s, etc. I do feel that the A is over...mainly because I've been talking to his wife, who already has the papers drawn up. They don't have kids or much assets so its easier. He has been married 3x and is a player, however, he literally has nothing but a truck and some tools...and its now living with an ex wife...for the last 3 days. He is also my age, 45. 2 things I can't stop thinking about....what if he was successful? Would the result be different? What if I didn't catch it?..would it still be happening (I know the answer). My wife is devastated, she talks about losing everything..friends, family, me..etc. I'm not a push over by any means, but do feel like this was massive lapse of judgement over 60 days and she is paying an enormous price right now. I see the trauma shock in her. Question - our kids see the strain right now....how, when, what do we say?

For all of us experienced BH's here it goes without saying that she is lying and minimizing about EVERYTHING at this point. Just look at his evidence:

She then said, "ok we met up a bunch of other times in the same parking lot"....did you have sex? "no, just kissed". Did he ever touch you or you him during those visits? "I gave him a HJ over his pants once". How many is a bunch? "I have not idea I can't remember"..like 8? 10?..."no not that many, it all started at the beginning of april."

HJ over his pants - are you kidding me? Are they in the 6th grade? When she says obvious bullshit like this you need to remind her that you are not that fucking stupid and if she continues with these fairy tales you are going to pack her a bag and throw her out on her well-worn ass.

She will tell you one lie after another. Keep pressing her because it's very hard to keep lies straight. You will catch her contradicting herself over and over again and be able to start to get a realistic picture of the depth of her depraved betrayal.

Look, I'm not trying to hurt you but you need to get to the real truth here. I mean, she will take much of it to her grave, however she can at least reveal how many times they had sex, where (likely in your bed) and (in general terms) what they did to each other. You are entitled to answers to every question - just know that you can never un-hear the answers so make sure the things you ask are things you need to know.

Don't take anything she says as fact unless you can verify it. Keep working with the other BS as it seems as though she's getting good information from her scumbag, cheating, asshole of a husband. It's early but important that you start seeing your wife - the woman you seem to have worshiped as a Goddess - for the cheater she actually is....

Edit:

but do feel like this was massive lapse of judgement over 60 days and she is paying an enormous price right now.

first off, I would bet my retirement account that it was a lot longer than 60 days. Dude - so soon after d-day it's entirely normal for a BH to want to believe everything his WW says because after the horrible truth is revealed you are more than happy to believe anything that minimizes and/or excuses her actions. The most insidious element of denial is when our mind fools us into thinking things like "this really isn't all that bad. Time will heal this wound and everything will return to normal". It's an involuntary defense mechanism that you cannot avoid but need to keep reminding yourself that it is happening. The temptation to sweep all this under the rug and "put it behind you" is strong as it holds a false promise of sweet relief. Fight this instinct to rugsweep...

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 12:58 PM, May 30th (Wednesday)]