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During your initial conversations with your W, you likely gave her the evidence that you had. I say this because (1) it is what the vast majority of us do and (2) her current approach/attitude. By knowing how much/little you know, she can tailor her story to minimize what happened and avoid sharing the full story.

The "just friends" excuse is rampant with cheaters. Seriously -- it is so common that there is even a book about affairs titled "Not Just Friends." It's a total manipulation that combines "you are being paranoid" with a "you don't trust me" that allows the wayward to make the betrayed spouse feel guilty and it gives the wayward more power. The "it was only a kiss" is a minimization as it attempts to cover the unaccounted time alone by admitting to the lowest possible offense.

As you've already recognized, she had an emotional affair. Kissing takes it into physical affair territory. The reality is that, at a minimum, that is a HUGE emotional and psychological trauma for you. As if that wasn't enough, she is still abusing you. Not only is she lying about and minimizing what happened, she is on the offensive by trying to blame you. If she can get you into a MC situation where the counselor will assist her by indicating that you are at least partially to blame, she extends her ability to control you.

What should you do?

1. Go read The Healing Library on this site to get a better perspective of what you are being subjected to.

2. Go get an IC for yourself. You have some deep wounds that are going to take time to heal.

3. Get a copy of "Not Just Friends" for yourself and your wife. You should read it all for your own benefit. Your wife's willingness to read it and take appropriate action will tell you a lot.

4. Stop pursuing MC. It takes two willing people to fix a marriage. At this point, your wife isn't remorseful and isn't willing to do the individual work to change. MC is a waste of time and money at this point.

5. After you have done 1-4 and gained strength/perspective, then you'll be ready to stop accepting her excuses, minimizations and blameshifting. Those boundaries will let her know that she has to make a decision to get serious about all of this or else that she is going to have to be prepared to deal with the consequences.

6. At any time and without warning, let the other betrayed spouse know about the affair. If you were in a position where you weren't aware of what was happening, you'd want the same level of respect extended to you.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 11:14 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Sorry you are here, dp. As others have stated, clearly the kiss makes it physical and it is likely far more than just a kiss after 8 weeks.

Please listen to the experienced posters here. They will guide you out of infidelity (perhaps with your WS, perhaps not) and then you can decide whether D or R is right for you.

While the circumstances of each M may be unique, the characteristics and tactics of WS are remarkably similar. Read a few BH/WW stories here and you will notice the trends yourself. In fact, the minimizations and rewriting your WW is doing are textbook behaviors of a WW trying to cover her ass. Therefore, it is not too far of a stretch to say that other behaviors are probably present but not yet discovered.

She owes you the truth so that you can make educated decisions on how to spend the rest of your life.

typical. Minimizing. Downplaying. Faulting you. Feeding into your "paranoia". Total BS. She will not learn until she experiences fallout. That's where I am. Waiting for the day to drop the bomb. Then we will see who's playing who. You need to figure out if R or D is what you want. Or even separation. from this point on it should be about what YOU want. She had a chance to fix things. Never confided in you while sneaking around. Even if she's telling half the truth. Confiding and talking to her husband should have been her default. Not going behind your back to meet and talk to him. So disrespectful. Now that she's caught she is going to change the story. Glad you caught her before it turned physical. Time to do whatever you need to to find healing. Best of luck

Not only did she not tell you she was meeting with him, when you asked about him she lied to your face. What else is she hiding?

You cannot take her at her word. She will lie to hide what happened between them.

Polygraph.

Great post Crushed7.

DP, sorry you are here. From a BH that has dealt with 3 ddays and TT for 3 years, I dont believe a word your W is saying.

As others have said, she is minimizing based on what you can prove. We see this every day on SI. I've read sooo much on this site and can recall one or two times a WS has spilled the entire truth once confronted and who knows if it's the truth.

Crushed - sorry you are here. A full time working parent spends on average 10 hours per day at work, 2 hours doing chores around the house and 8 hours a night sleeping. This means that on average a parent has 4 hours per day to spend with their spouse and children. With you and your 3 children this equates to a total of 1 hour per day she had to spend with each of you individually.

it started with external meetings about 8 weeks ago.

– they usual meet where he parks for work and they would talk for 30 minutes or so.

This means she stole 20 hours that she could have been spending with you and the 3 children. That's a week worth of time that she can never make up to any of you.

Yeah...there's probably more to come. 8 weeks will be 12, a peck will be a BJ and the car will be his house or motel.

And somehow it will be your fault.

Hang in there and trust but verify, she doesn't seem to trustworthy right now

Affairs are like cancer. (I've been thru both)

It starts out with something being slightly off and after some sleuthing you're in the fight of your life.

An affair doesn't just go away any more than cancer does. It takes aggressive action to knock her out of the affair.

I can say from experience that your wife has exhibited all the signs of being in a full blown affair. Read up on the typical signs your spouse is cheating, and I guarantee you'll see them in her behavior. She has demonstrated many of the techniques cheaters use after getting caught too. Blameshifting, gaslighting, rewriting marital history, minimizing, lying, etc. it's textbook. We've all seen it so all these responses say the same thing. She's definitely cheating on you.

I'm sorry you're here. You cannot brush it off and assume she is on the straight and narrow now. She is deep in the cheater fog.

One of the most heart wrenching things I heard from counseling early on was "she is loyal to him now and that's why she's lying to you". When someone is in an affair, they switch sides and you're no longer their primary partner. You're a source of income or stability, but you're also "in the way". That's why they lie. Don't trust a word from your wife now. Listen to what others are saying and tell the OM's wife what you know. That will stop the secret meetings. Then go into detective mode.

Thank you everyone for your advice.

I am reasonably confident that the meetings have stopped but we are only a week or so in.

She has offered to have a lie detector test to show that what she is saying is the truth.

Take her up on that offer, actually go through with it too.

Take her up on her offer. Ask others here who did the polygraph route what questions to ask. Seriously

She is no longer meeting with him. She has enabled Find My Friend on her phone.

All that proves is that you know where her phone is. As others have stated, find out if he is married, and tell his wife (without telling your WW). That will help blow up the A, and also tells you if she violated any NC (no contact).

Also, get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in her car. You'd be surprised what you can find out that way. You currently have no idea if she has a burner phone.

Booking a polygraph will help you find out if she is lying. Check your cell phone bill online to find out how much they have been in contact.

Have you given access to her phone, email, and social media accounts? Do you have the passwords? Make sure you demand full transparency and no contact with the POS.

I'm so sorry for what is happening to you but glad you found SI.

I caught her two days ago in her car with someone she knows from a kids club they run together. They had been in the exact spot for two days in a row before I caught them.

So was that 3 days in a row counting the day you caught them that you know for a fact? And she admits this has been going on for 8 weeks and they kissed every meeting? That equates to a lot more than 8 meetings and a LOT of kisses! If they met 5 days a week it would be 40 meetings and you know they met at least 3 days that week.

Were you able to observe them interacting for any length of time? Did you see them kiss? The reason I'm asking is that you are not dealing with two naive adolescents but sexually active adults! I would think tongues and a lot of intimate touching would most certainly be happening by now.

As others have said, please inform OM's wife without giving any prior warning. This puts another set of eyes on them and is one of the most effective ways to kill the A. Also, MC prior to your WW fully admitting the EA is all on her and not your fault generally results in blameshifting and can be counter productive. Every marriage has some level of problems but they will never justify having an A. She needs to determine through IC why she allowed herself to have the A.

Until she realizes how serious this breach of trust was she is likely to repeat it. Informing the OM's wife, getting STD testing, and a lie detector is a good start. Talk to an attorney too just in case things deteriorate, at least you will be prepared.

Pick up "Not just friends". Another good read is "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". Short read, read it first then give it to her.

Take her up on the polygraph offer. And watch this happen as the poly date gets closer and closer:

She will be confident and smug at first, telling you that you'll see she's telling the truth.

Then it will change: "You're really going to make me go through with this?" and "If you don't trust me without a poly, how can we move forward?" and "We're wasting our money on this. We rant can't afford it"

Next: "If you're actually going to make me take a polygraph, let's just get a divorce"

They had sex. As much as possible.

Until you have the truth, you can't truly begin recovery.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 1:52 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

I appreciate everyone’s advice.

When it comes to telling his wife it is a very delicate situation. This is because all of our children (vastly different ages) go to the same school. While we do not mix with him socially from school if it was to get out then it would make any reconciliation impossible for me.

So for now I want to prioritise my relationship and see how it progresses.

Yes, let his wife continue living a lie. She doesn't deserve to know.

When it comes to telling his wife it is a very delicate situation. This is because all of our children (vastly different ages) go to the same school. While we do not mix with him socially from school if it was to get out then it would make any reconciliation impossible for me. 

And how does it make R impossible? This poor woman is in the same shoes you are in and she probably doesn't have a clue.

You're not letting her know about it makes you an accomplice. Don't do that to this poor woman.

If they didn't do anything other than a peck on the cheek, what's the big deal?

Exposure is usually one of the best tools we have as a BS.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 2:01 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

I understand that she deserves to know but as soon as I tell her then my relationship is over. I am not willing to accept that.