SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One other thing. He should be providing phone transparency.

So if you ask to see his phone (which he should hand over without question on demand) do a search for the WhatsApp app. That is a favorite of cheaters to communicate through and one that won’t show on the phone bill.

I think the OBS mentioned that’s how they communicated.

Your WH should not be tied to his phone and should not complain if you pick it up at any time and peruse it.

You may even want to download Fonelab on a computer and connect the phone to it to retrieve deleted messsges to see if they’ve communicated since DDay.

This all sucks I know.

But if I were trying to win back the heart I’d devastated, I’d be copying my BS on ever text I send and including her on every call I make.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:13 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

You're not pathetic. You're doing absolutely amazing. I was a complete wreck a few days after Dday. You are actually doing things. Since you are an athlete, make sure you continue exercising and training. You need the endorphins right now.

You should be watching your WH closely. He needs to drive the reconciliation. HIs actions will say a lot more about his mindset.

And keep taking care of you. It'll be good to keep in touch with the OBS. If your WH and his WW are planning something, you can figure it out pretty quickly.

Ladybugmaam,

stevesn has good advice here. Also, you forgot one checkbox: get support from your family. We will support you here, but you need real people to care for you.

You may feel pathetic, but whodidimarry is right. You are not. It’s all on him. Here on SI, we’ll work on turning that feeling around

Keep posting, you are heard.

You might read the advice on the other BH's thread. Most of it would apply to you.

Go to The Healing Library (yellow box, top left of this page) and read about The 180. Put this into practice in your life. This is not a gambit to make your WH take any particular action. It is a way for you to create psychic space for yourself, to clear your head and start finding your personal truth.

The message to your WH: "You are free to continue seeing POSOW, or any other woman you've had an affair with, but not as my husband. I'm taking steps to get myself out of infidelity. If you wish for me to give you an opportunity to R, let me know what you plan to do to help me heal, and I may consider it."

If he wants to read a book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald is a good one (and if you are considering even attempting R, it would be a good read for you as well).

Edited Later:

FYI, the other BH's WW is going to meet with a lawyer today. I'd suggest that both of you engage legal counsel ASAP.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:30 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

It's good that you are seeing an attorney. I would actually suggest that you visit and consult with the top 3 or 4 attorneys in the area. From what I understand, you and your WH may have significant assets. Better to be proactive.

((Ladybugmaam))

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:57 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Do you guys have a prenup?

Do you and your husband share joint ownership of all your cash, investments, and property?

I ask because most men are very conscious of the 'cost' of D .... and if the cost is too high then try to avoid D while preserving the affair.

I met with her several times....and she repeatedly told me that she had nothing but respect for my marriage vows and hers....while screwing my husband. I don't know what to do.

I'm at a loss for words to describe my reaction to the OW's lies to your face. It's beyond me how either your husband or the OW can look at themselves in the mirror.

It's unfair and you didn't deserve to have your world destroyed. You are not the first to be walk this path of pain and sadness.

You are not alone. Check in ...use us for advice and support.

Pathetic? Hah! I thought what you did was awesome when the OBS posted about it, and I think it's even more awesome( not the situation) you are here and posted it, and are being proactive.You're pretty badass not pathetic. I hate why you have to be here but it sounds like you may have the right mindset to push through this better than most. Same advice I gave the OBS, get a pit bull lawyer and play hardball. Try to keep the anger. As odd as it sounds it will serve you well in the coming days.

You and the OBS have handled this like champs.

I wish the OBS in my case had been as good as you.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:08 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

Tell him that after 23 years of M he SHOULD know what to do and that to have an A is NOT what you signed up for, tell him that if there's even a chance to R, he needs to ghost OW completely from his life, DEMAND he writes an NC FOREVER letter that you approve (no sweet goodbyes), short and to the point, something like: "I have decided to give my M a chance and to try to repair the damaged this A has caused to me and my family, tell your BS I was a piece of shit who took advantage of his trust for a just piece of ass and that I am sorry for the devastation WE have caused to both our families, NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN, have a nice life", then you watch him hit send (have him do it by text too and watch him block her right away.

Keep in mind there are many apps like WhatsApp that won't show in your phone records, keep a VAR (Voice Activated Recording) in his car under the seat with some velcro, demand he activates "Find my friends" or similar app on his cellphone that way you can track his whereabouts. Also demand HE gets tested for STDs and show you the results.

This is the beauty of knowing the OBS. Us having both of access to both ‘stories’ rest assured that she is atleast reaching out. Do they have office/work phones that they could be using to communicate?

After my Dday and after a bunch of way too early MC sessions my WW said she still didn't know what she wanted.

To me that meant she didn't want to be married anymore (to me). I told her I did us both a favor and decided for both of us and filed for D. She didn't argue. She was just a cheater.

Ladybugmaam, just wanted to lend a voice of support to you. I think you and OBS are handling this very well. I think both of your WSs are far from being good candidates for R currently. I’d encourage you to explore all of your options before deciding to R or D.

Also, I love your style and was grinning ear to ear when I read what you did to WH bike. I know a little about the fitness/triathlon world and have a strong inkling of what that bike meant to him and what it will cost to replace it. He deserves it.

Good luck!

Right now I feel pretty pathetic.

You are not pathetic. In fact you are a very strong woman. You just had your DDay and you've had your STD appointment, set up a meeting with a lawyer, exposed the affair and found/written on this site. Most people are immobile those first few weeks.

Talking to a lawyer is really going to help. No, it doesn't mean you are headed toward divorce ...knowledge is power. Knowing that you will be fine even if you divorce is power.

How is your son doing?

Ladybug,

You've got your bitch boots on, which is good. He now knows he has a tiger by the tail.

Remember THE 180. Although it is good that he knows that your no push over, the 180 allows you to detach, and to think logically.

What ever finally occurs... hope for the best, PREPARE for the worst. Draw your line in the sand. Have your ducks in a row. Show that your not only ready to move on, but that it looks just as good with him, or without him.

Was pleased that he reached out today that he read the “After the Affair” book. Sent it to me. He professed that he’s committed to working on us and has had NC (which I do not believe for a second). He’s willing to do a NC letter....not so sure about a timeline yet. He’s still changing stories and when’s and where’s.

The thing of it is....he’s been “trying” for the last 4 months while I’ve just learned that this trying included a sexual affair. I want him to be with me because wants me.....not to placate me until whatever insecurities drive him to look for inappropriate attention from someone else further down the road....or the OW again. We have an appointment in 2 weeks for counseling. I’m grateful he’s trying. He’s also mad as hell that I told his family. And, get this, warned me not to talk with the other BS.....as he was imagining the slippery slope we might travel. I told no....I’d talk with whomever I needed to and go dwell in his slippery slope imaginings. I know I’ve lived there far too long.

He’s also mad as hell that I told his family.

Cheaters always want you to hide their affairs. It's the best thing you could've done.

The only thing you could've done better is run over his bike three times instead of only two.

Stay strong. You will get through this.

Keep posting you'll get great knowledge/support and you will need every bit of it.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:25 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

He has no remourse yet. It's probably just regret at getting caught.

Two very different things.