SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Pink,

Likely YOU are the one who wishes to even the score to assuage your guilt and to put the marriage in balance again. I think it may be safer and healthier to work on forgiving yourself and seeing yourself as an amazing wife who once made bad decisions. I am sure your H made bad decisions in other areas of your marriage before. You had to learn something about yourself. There is no shame in that. If you feel that you guys are on equal playing field, would you still offer a free pass?

I was offered a free pass on d-day. Under those circumstances it was not attractive at all. If it came up now, I would not be turned on. If it had been offered when we were in our 30s, I would not have been turned on.

Early in our M, though, if Sophia Loren had called me up, I think I would have asked for a 2-3 week pass.... Only Sophia, though.

27 or 28 years in, at a dinner for the team I was on, far away from home, the boss asked who we wanted waiting for us in our hotel rooms. It took me a few seconds to realize I wanted my W. She'd accept me any way I was - exhausted, wanting to talk, wanting sex, wanting to watch TV ... sure, we'd megotiate what we actually did, but I can be myself with my W. With a hot woman in my hotel room? Not so much.

I'm a BH. Not interested. If I wanted to, I have had opportunities to have sex with other women that I've met in various social situations. I could totally have sex with these women in a way that nobody would ever find out, including my wife. That's pretty much a free pass right there. And it doesn't interest me in the slightest.

I think my wife is beautiful and very hot. Her appearance is such that it's like the perfect woman was created for me based on my preferences. I only wish that A: she hadn't cheated on me, and B: that she had a higher sex drive. But that's all been very well documented in my whining messages on here. Bottom line: I really haven't met anybody that I would want to use a "free pass" on anyway... I'd rather just have sex with my beautiful wife.

@pinkpggy

but I wouldn't be angry if he felt he *had to* to even the score.

I am not being snarky, but I want to know what the game is in marriage that there is this scoreboard somewhere being kept? I don't feel there is anyplace in a marriage for a scoreboard and for keeping a score on each other.

ETA: Actually, I would possibly be turned on by the idea of a "free pass". With absolutely no desire to do it with anyone I know IRL. But, if it was a total fantasy and I got to pick some sexy celebrity, sports figure or whomever I might want to use it. OTOH, no I wouldn't. I would want to pick a much younger man and the idea of getting naked in this 60ish y.o. body I now have would totally shut down any sexy feelings I would have. If it was a total fantasy and I could be younger me, okay!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:04 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

I'm saying if he came to me and said it was something he felt he had to do to feel better, then I would understand it. Neither of us are keeping "score" so to speak. Would I want him to, no, does he want to, no, so it's sort of a moot point.

@pinkpggy Than why do you keep pushing it or testing him? I feel that isn't very healthy and very unfair to your BH.

To me it would be way sexier to share the branching-outside-typical-marriage-sex experience with my wife. Otherwise it would feel too weird that she's not involved.

Testing him, pushing it? Please don't make assumptions. It comes up in the course of conversation, maybe 5x in over two years. Like if he says it must have been nice to feel xyz in your affair or, you got to have fun doing "that", I wish I could feel that, and I'll say he still knows the option is open to him if he feels he needs it. Definitely not a test. Would I be jumping for joy about it? No, but I would understand it, if it's something he needs to do for himself.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 12:30 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

Why? I feel like if he felt he had to do it then basically I'm telling him I understand. But he rolls his eyes and gives me quotes on STD rates.

Maybe it really is just the STD rates, but sometimes people don't really say what they're feeling. If I walk that proverbial mile in the other guy's shoes, I'm feeling like the offer is meant to even up the playing field so we're BOTH guilty of stepping out. And I feel hurt that there are any circumstance whatsoever that my spouse would be willing to share me. I feel un-cherished by the offer, because if I were really such a prize, my spouse would rather choke on the knowledge that he's guilty of indulging in behavior he can't condone, than to see me with another. I'd feel like my spouse was trying to find a cheap way to get out of doing the internal corrections he needed to do. I'd worry that he might cheat again because he didn't make those corrections. And... rather than admit all those fears while I'm feeling really vulnerable, I might say something superficial, like I'm worried about STDs.

Sorry for the t/j pinkpggy, but maybe there's some more talking to do? Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but other times our feelings are so fragile we're just not ready to open up.

Trust me, my husband has zero issues letting me know how he feels. We have a pretty open dialogue. He has said ALL the things above but not under the context of a free pass conversation. Not sure why people take one comment and then make mountains out if then. I've been fighting for my marriage for two years if you think there is one emotion or conversation or scenario that hasn't been discussed, and at length, you would be wrong. But I still stand by the fact that if he felt he had to do it, I would understand it.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 12:36 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

Would I be jumping for joy about it? No, but I would understand it, if it's something he needs to do for himself.

You would understand his Wayward thinking? And, you would support his wayward feelings and actions? Yeah, I do think this is an area you need to work on, pink.

I never got the "free" pass thing. Not with anone, famous or otherwise. To me it means "I would like to fuck other people who are hot if I wasn't married" and "if you didnt know or didnt care I would".

All I ever wanted was a soulmate to grow old with shared memories of good times and family. Thats what marriage means to me add in the religious aspect which I won't delve into here.

I could "fuck" hot chicks all the time if I wanted. It would be shallow and pointless.

So I just had the conversation with him now. His response was..."I married you and I only want to be with you. If I wanted to be with someone else I would leave to be with them, that's why I still can't understand why you did what you did." So I made it clear I really didn't want him to have a free pass and he says he know that. End of story. As I said...we have an open dialogue.

At the cornerstone of Wayward are lies and betrayals. If both parties knew about the free pass and agreed to it openly, it doesn't seem wayward. It is not something I would ever feel comfortable about, but it would not be a lie, or manipulation, or a betrayal if the WS had given their prior approval.

...that's why I still can't understand why you did what you did

That's an opening to a vulnerability discussion. Did you follow up? There was only 17 minutes between your posts. Some people can have a pretty deep discussion in that amount of time, but I'm not sure I'd be one of them. Life tends to get in the way a lot too. These kind of exchanges can go a long way toward healing though. They let a BS know you're there to hear him.

Chamomile- we actually have deep conversations all the time, we had one Wednesday with both of us in tears. I never shy away from the opportunity to discuss my affair. We can have conversations like the one above about a free pass now and leave it at that. It actually feels really good we have gotten to the point where that's an option now.

If both parties knew about the free pass and agreed to it openly, it doesn't seem wayward.

It is wayward in the sense that the BS is doing it to feel better about themselves, to even the score, to level the playing field, etc. etc. What is healthy about any of those statements? None. How does fucking someone other than your spouse heal you? I don't get it. If that was the answer for healing for BS"s than MC's and IC's would be recommending it and books would be written about it. It would be the "go to" advice here. But it isn't because fucking someone isn't healing yourself.

The idea of a free pass turns my stomach.

Why would I ever lower my own personal standards?

My vows mean something to me, betrayed or otherwise.

I'm glad my wife didn't offer me one.

In my mind the ONLY reason it EVER gets offered is to make the person who offers to feel slightly less horrible about their own choice.

And no, I don't think my take on my personal ethics makes me superior to anyone, I just don't believe in using people to even a score that can't ever be -- made even.

No. "You" may give me a free pass, but God would not. I would see the offer as her trying to minimalize her affair(s).

I see it as a trick question. I'm not falling for it.

You gonna tell him, once in a while, “Honey, you need to go screw another woman.”