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SI members post: “yeah that’s kind of a bummer but let’s get back to that insensitive Father’s Day behavior.” Are you out of your fucking minds

Excuse me. Wool and I have commented on each other's posts for years. There is a level of blunt honesty between us. You're here a month and perhaps don't realize that friendships have been formed here. If his wife's story is legit, I feel for her but too often a WS will seek sympathy from the BS and her timing was questionable to me. Am I out of my fucking mind? Maybe so. Some people think my WH is a dangerous narcissist and I should flee for my life. A narc? Yes. Dangerous? Not compared to a friend who recently revealed what her narc husband did to her. We are all here on the outside looking in. Wool has always had my best interest at heart as I do with him.

I can see why you would say that because you are new to SI. But but Wool94 and MalibuBayBreeze have been here a long, long time and they have had numerous hard conversations before. MBB has earned the right to question Wool's wife's honesty... and he knows that.

We have hard conversations on SI. Many times, we develop these weird relationships (because we rarely meet each other IRL) where there is tremendous trust.

Please stick around. These relationships are the best part of SI.

Indeed. Thank you and well said Barcher. You know you are part of that friendship circle I have formed here. We have been brutally honest about our feelings of each other's spouses and I know Wool will understand my skepticism. If his Father's Day was irrelevant to him he wouldn't have even mentioned it.

Wool knows I support him 100%. No one else needs to understand or concur with that.

she took the focus off of your feelings and you comforted her. Classic behavior.

this is truth. however, her confiding in you and getting her abuse out in the open is a first step, something to be grateful for. she will have to look at all of her behaviors at some point in time. I think you did the right thing holding her.

but you must insist she get help and you must not allow yourself to be a punching bag in any way while she heals.

If his wife's story is legit, I feel for her but too often a WS will seek sympathy from the BS and her timing was questionable to me.

I have to agree, my fWW had childhood issues, and anytime I would indicate something that might be part of her root issues, she was all too eager to latch on to that for an excuse for her abhorrent behavior.

It's human nature to find something or someone to blame your faults on, other than yourself.

Everybody is screwed up, it's just a matter of degree.

she took the focus off of your feelings and you comforted her. Classic behavior.

Exactly why I posted what I did. None of this negates your pain and the hurt you feel over her A or how she treated you last weekend.

Her admission absolutely needs to be explored and addressed in IC, but she is not all of a sudden the BS because of it.

You need to be very careful not to all of a sudden make it ok to treat you like shit because she has had a traumatic experience in her life. The same way you wouldn’t treat her like shit knowing she needs help for this.

Again, I’m glad she opened up, but if your pain is to be ignored from now on because of it, this recovery is not going to work.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:09 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

(((Wool))))

This sucks. No two ways about it, it definitely changes the dynamic between you both.

Now I have to whole heartedly agree with Barch and MBB... Now I'm not saying it isn't it what is going on, but listen buddy as someone who has been knee deep in the trenches recently dealing with the fallout of an abusive relationship and not setting boundaries, I gotta say this. Her being a shitty mom and wife on fathers have ZERO to do w/ her being abused.

She's hurting, she needs help, get help. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with you calling her out for being neglectful, and rude on fathers day. I would set a firm boundary there and tell in the future you expect a meal, and recognition of the day from they kids, as their mother that is her job, even if you were divorced it is still her responsibility to teach her kids to honor their father. Hell it's even in the top 10 rules you have at church.

I would recommend that you make a firm boundary that she utilize the EAP and see a counselor for a few times to start to work through this shitstorm she just dropped on you.

((((And Strength friend))))

I'm sorry your Father's Day was messed up, but the revelation may lead to very good father's Days in the future. I hope it does.

I have no words of advice. I can say only that I loved and love my W, and her self-hate never got bad enough for me to leave. I have no doubt that her A was a result of her CSA.

That's not the only legit response to CSA, however. All I can suggest is continuing to post to get feedback on your thoughts and feelings and/or talking about your options and desires with your IC.

I think feeling very disoriented is entirely appropriate for you at this point. There is no roadmap for dealing with this.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:26 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

I love each and everyone of you for posting on this thread. It helps me be able to see what y'all see. When you're in the middle of a situation, you can't see the whole picture. That's why I asked for advice.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I wholeheartedly agree with MBB and Barcher, as well.

There’s also a reason why Wool chose to include this in one thread vs two - or even what would seem at first glance as the more obvious issue of the two. Within your own healing, that alone is worth exploring, Wool.

I can relate to your situation. After dday, my wh tried to commit suicide. He was questioned by a psychiatrist who asked if he suffered any abuse as a child. He said no except for the one time when he was 7 or 8 when the teenagers who lived next store told him they wanted to play with him and took him upstairs and one held his head while the other used his mouth for oral sex. He never thought it compared to the years of sexual abuse I endured at the hands of my grandfather and said he thought it would be like him saying to me that his was worse.

I told him abuse it abuse and pain is pain one is. It worse than the other when you have been hurt etc.

Anyway, that isn’t the point that I wanted to make. Part of me wondered if he was coming up with something to make me feel sorry for him. Sometimes I still do. Although some of his behaviors, especially being somewhat homophobic does make me believe him.

Having said all that, being abused as a child does interferes with your emotional maturity however, as adults, we are responsible for ourselves and our actions. She is responsible to get the help she needs. She chose not to tell you until she did. Her abuse is not an excuse for her own bad behavior. It may be a reason but it’s not an excuse.

For the record there is a very large percentage of si posters who have suffered abuse-sexual, physical and emotional. We understand what she is going through and also know it’s not an excuse. We can feel for her situation at the same time as questioning her behavior.

You wrote "I told her how selfish I must've been when I bought her the brand new truck that I had wanted"

You worked hard to buy her the brand new truck that you had wanted.

Just think about that.

Regarding her revelation. To all men ... 90% of women have been sexually assaulted, raped, inappropriately touched, taken advantage of, or otherwise sexually abused and/or coerced into doing things she didn't really want to do but it was easier to do them than to say no (and possibly risk violence to her body). It may or may not affect daily life. It is a regular state of affairs for many young women. I'm not disregarding or downplaying her experiences. Just letting you know it has happened to most of the women that you know.

Woman admits she was *raped* at *age 9*.

Asks husband for help.

SI members post: “yeah that’s kind of a bummer but let’s get back to that insensitive Father’s Day behavior.” Are you out of your fucking minds?

Would you care to explain how her childhood trauma excuses her being a jerk to him at church and completely blowing him off on Father's Day?

Look, I know you wear your knight in shining armor badge proudly, but your full-throated embrace of pathological altruism is not shared by many and thank goodness for that. Frankly I find her timing suspicious and I sure as hell wouldn't advise him to set aside his own grievances, which are many and justified and to which she just added, just because she drops info like this. Like it or not, her honesty is in question. Like it or not, she shouldn't expect the same degree of concern she'd get had she not built up such a long history of being a dishonest person.

There's also the issue of her own agency and her own responsibility as a human being. Assuming she's being honest, she went through a terrible trauma that no doubt messed up a number of things in her head. The thing is, she's not a child anymore and she doesn't have carte blanche to lie, cheat, and be a neglectful jerk whenever she doesn't feel like putting effort into her marriage and showing her husband some simple respect and acknowledgment. She was not robbed of the ability to distinguish between right and wrong, nor was she robbed of her ability to understand what a promise is.

Your haywire instincts would have you throwing your own concerns out the window and riding to her rescue, while more rational minds see conveniently timed deflection.

Wool, I don't really have any advice for you here other than to say I hope you don't let your own concerns be shunted aside. You deserve better than to be treated in such a way by someone who has already caused so much harm, regardless of what may have happened to her when she was young. If she's being honest then of course be supportive, but don't let yourself be tossed aside in the process. You matter.

[This message edited by firenze at 7:39 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

WOOL: I am very sorry you are here and to learn about your W’s abuse.

My W has the same history and we have dealt with similar problems. NO, it was not acceptable for her to bring you down on a day you are to be honored. YES, she needs to get into IC. I read where she is a WW, so don’t take this information too deeply right now. It was good you comforted her, but this is just all part of the bigger problem. As much as I sympathize with my wife over her abuse, she is an adult, now, and making her own grown-up decisions. The same goes for your wife. Don’t let this issue distract you from the choices she made.

YOUR WIFE NEEDS PROFESSSIONAL HELP.

My best to you, fellow BS. You are not alone here.

Honestly I thought your post was going in a completely different direction. Felt like you'd eventually write about her asking for a divorce.

It's heartbreaking how many kids have to go through this trauma.

Wool, I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any experience to draw upon. But as an outside observer, something that happened to her like 30 or 40 years ago doesn’t excuse her behavior of acting like a snot and treating you like shit on Father’s Day. You deserve better than that. My thoughts are with you brother.

More support for MBB and Barcher. They are spot on.

And of course, support for you and your wife, Wool. I'm sorry she went through that (IC for her!). And I'm sorry you were treated so badly on Father's Day. Your feelings are important. Not to be brushed aside. Make sure she knows that.

Ok.... that's brutal. But that doesn't explain her purposely ignoring Father's day.

Wool

Number one I think she needs professional help. Maybe even a self-help group or sexual-abuse group. If money is tight consider phoning one of the (probably) numerous women’s helplines. Although focused on domestic abuse these centers are usually well equipped to offer advice on resources dealing with sexual abuse.

Number two: The fact she told you is a very positive sign. It indicates (a) that she has trust in you and (b) she realizes she has a need to get this out in order to move on. Both are very positive.

Number three: I’m not going to focus on her actions on Father’s Day, but rather suggest how you could have reacted better.

I am a proponent of direct communications. If something bothers me to the level of it being an issue I address it. I absolutely HATE vague messages. If my wife wants me to mow the lawn I don’t want her sighing about not being able to use the garden, comments on how nice the grass is at the neighbors or that she pretend to fiddle with the mower. I want her to come to me and tell me I need to cut the grass.

oh I must've dreamed I told you happy Father's Day.

Your response should have been: No. You haven’t told me happy Fathers Day. I would appreciate it if you did. This is an important day for husbands and dads as it gives us a chance to be appreciated. For us – not being appreciated is simply a way to tell us that we aren’t doing our job as husband and father.

If no response:

Do you appreciate me as a husband?

If no response you press the issue. You don’t go to church with both of you ignoring the big pink elephant in the rear-seat.

If after that confrontation she had made a comment about you being a pig:

Why do you say I’m a pig? Do you think I eat too much? Is it the way I eat? Or do you just generally view me as a pig?

That comment about somebody getting you something… that’s one of those vague non-messages I hate.

If the burgers were off:

These burgers are off. What can we do about food?

DO NOT ALLOW ISSUES TO SIMMER.

Deal with them. Be direct.

Thanks Bigger.

Normally I agree with you and I am usually pretty direct.

My goal is for her to take initiative and do these things herself. She knows this! I've told her time and time again. It just doesn't sink in.

I'm sure you know that my feelings are that she was able to take initiatives in doing things for other men. If not, I wouldn't be here. This is a tired old argument that I'm tired of having.

I also know that I'm not going anywhere.

If I'm still leading her around by the hand after 17 years of marriage, is there any hope of her doing this stuff on her own?

I do agree that we both need counseling. Money really isn't an issue with that. Money was tight on Father's Day, but it's generally not a huge issue.

We really haven't had a chance to speak about this because my children have been around or we've been at work.

Any time that I bring up anything uncomfortable for her, she just goes silent. Sometimes she'll come back with an answer later, others it's just ignored as if nothing was said.

She's the same way with the kids. She pretends like she's ignoring them when they ask something she doesn't want to answer. They've asked her why she does it and of course that question gets ignored.

I feel like I'm rambling and I hate to put all this out here. I know I have issues as well. I'm not the perfect husband, but if there's a legit issue with me, I try to fix it.

You wrote "I told her how selfish I must've been when I bought her the brand new truck that I had wanted"

You worked hard to buy her the brand new truck that you had wanted.

Just think about that.

I thought Wool was being sarcastic when he said that.

(((Wool94)))

You are a great husband and wonderful father. I am glad you and your wife were able to talk about her CSA, her harsh criticism of you eating a snack, and disappointing father's day.

Your wife needs help dealing with CSA.

Regarding the comment at church, in my opinion yout wife should review lessons we teach our little children about name calling. If a comment is offensive to you.....do not say it to someone else. It is that simple.

Regarding father's day, perhaps your wife does not see such issues beforehand or does not know how to address them. Is this a one time sort of event or does this happen often?

If it seems you are leading her by the hand it may be a need of hers or a coping mechanism. This may be something you and her can discuss or work on.

I know you would like her to be spontaneous, but perhaps she does not know how. Maybe you could plan Holiday's or recognition events like father's day with her.

If you desire spontaneity then tell her this is a need. Give her very direct input or hints. If she struggles with what to do for you, help her out because it could be fear of failure.

Perhaps over time she will understand your needs and the assistance will no longer be needed by you. Communication will be enhanced and family traditions enjoyable by all will be established.