SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

please DO NOT call him a BS. He isn't one. He hasn't earned the title.

Thanks Neko - I haven't had enough coffee yet today. THIS is exactly what is bothering me so intensely about this thread.

It was at this time, however, that he was pursuing another online relationship with a new woman. They met IRL 2years later but it did not work out. After 2 more years he decided to give us another chance all the while still questioning our past and not finding resolution.

I have to agree with nekonamida he is not a BS and you are not a SelfishCheater you do not need to be in the WS forum.

I would seek therapy for yourself and he definitely needs therapy especially for this...

He has deep childhood trauma caused by close family members

You are not the problem here.

Yes, he was a virgin when we met IRL. I was 16 years old and he came to meet my family, then I went to meet his. After that meeting we continued our long distance relationship until I graduated HS then allowed me to live with him as my home life was not great.

It was at this time, however, that he was pursuing another online relationship with a new woman. They met IRL 2years later but it did not work out. After 2 more years he decided to give us another chance all the while still questioning our past and not finding resolution

So you were first in each other's physical presence when you were 16. Still "together" until you were 18 and then went to physically live together. So when was he casting his net on online chat rooms to meet other girls, when you were between 14 and 16? Then you state after 2 years he decided to give you another chance? When did you take 2 years off? I'm just confused as to when you "cheated." Was it while he was trying to pursue the other girl while with you? No offense, but none of this makes sense in the context of infidelity.

currently we are in a depression cycle that this time, I have not been able to pull us back from.

Based on this statement, I would encourage you to read about codependence. There is typically no "we" in depression, nor should "you" have to pull you both back from. I will let other posters send titles as I haven't a lot of information around that topic, I have heard "Codependent no more" is a good one, I know it's been around for ages.

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:06 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

I apologise to all BS and WS that don't believe I belong here. All I knew was that all of our problems seem to stem from this infidelity.

You don't need to apologize. 20 years of being told this and I completely get why you'd think this. I think it's awesome that you're now reaching out and trying to get some help, and recognizing that you're not the problem here.

Unfortunately if your husband is unwilling to get help for himself, then all you can do is look out for you.

[This message edited by landclark at 1:13 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

No need to apologize at all, I am not sure where else you could have even turned in your situation. You can stay on for a while if we can be of further help, it doesn't sound like you have a lot of support in your life.

It. Wasn’t. Infidelity.

I reiterate my suggestion to get counseling. Just because he doesn’t believe in it doesn’t mean YOU can’t do it.

So when was he dating this other woman? During the time you were seeing the other guy, while you were talking online? He didn't even know your age. You guys didn't even know each other because you were not honest about who you were.

Here's the thing. This is his issue to get over. Personally, I feel he is breaking his vows because he is treating you with contempt and holding it against you for an act of alleged infidelity. He stayed with you after everything was disclosed and then married you. No one put a gun to his head. I'm sorry, but the fact he is lording this over you is borderline, if not actual, emotional abuse. You need to stand up to him and tell him that you are not his problem and can only love and support him but cannot change him. You don't deserve this.

I'm not trying to push you away or define your life, but I truly feel by adopting the dynamic of WS and BS is feeding the toxicity and furthering the emotional abuse. It's fine if you want to call it that, but I feel it really is doing you a disservice and giving him more power over you.

[This message edited by KingRat at 1:33 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:07 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Very well stated.

I should also state that I lied to him about my age when we first met online. I told him I was 16 instead of 13 (he was 19 at the time). It wasn't until months later that my sister told him my real age out of spite for me.

He is not a predator. He has only dated two women his whole life, one being me and the other was 20 years his senior. All of our parents were fully in the know and approved.

The right thing to do would have been to break up with you when finding out your real age. Dating someone 20 years older is also messed up and unhealthy albeit legal. And given how you've described your home life, just because they allowed it doesn't make it right. If you had gone on to have a wonderful, healthy relationship with your husband, you wouldn't be here. But unfortunately he followed down the same path that we see time and time again in similar age/life/experience gap relationships where he has held a position of power over your head for decades over something that you can't change and has nothing to do with him.

Your message to him is very good though. Hopefully he responds more positively than he has been any other time you've talked about this.

I'd also like to point something out. Think of it this way. You have done such a good job as a wife that he has to dig all the way back 20 years to find something to gripe about and threaten you with. He seriously can't come up with a single recent example of why you're so terrible and he needs to divorce you? Not one? People are right it's not about something that's ancient history. It's about him having something to hold over your head - something he knows will put you into a position of groveling and begging for him. He likes it. He gets a kick out of it. Otherwise he wouldn't be doing it. And if he really did believe this was a deal breaker, he would have divorced you a long time ago instead of using it as a trump card to make you out to be the bad guy every few months.

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:08 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

"Can you please print out the following forms for us" (divorce papers attached)

What an ass. Sounds like a manipulator of the highest order

Good for you!! Take your power back.

You will be so much better off without this man in your life. Good for you!

(And—you’re only 34! A glorious 1/2+ of your life awaits you!)

SelfishCheater, I agree with everyone who said that you don't deserve this treatment and it will be good for you to get out from under the narrative he is imposing, at least in your own mind.

I also feel quite sad for him. The shark/sheep comment I think is what evoked that. I imagine he really wants to feel like a shark and instead feels like a pathetic lame little sheep. It seems like he has terrible feelings of inadequacy and they are landing on you (and the "stud") because I guess he doesn't know where else to put those inadequate feelings and he doesn't know where they are really coming from? It's a hard thing to feel inadequate as a man. Sympathy or support for male vulnerability is hard to come by.

The beginning of your letter sounds like you still love him and want to stay with him. If that's true, can you find areas in his life where he SHOULD feel adequate that you can validate him and reassure him and help him feel good about those places, while at the same time helping him to see the places where he needs to improve?

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:09 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Pippin, I see it differently. What worries me about that advice is that it puts his need for validation back on her. I suspect that once he realizes she is calling his bluff on the divorce threats, he will attempt to manipulate her with guilt, possibly up to the level of suicide threats, to get reassurance that she'll return to living her life around his insecurities.

I don't doubt that he feels weak, but his coping strategy for that has always been to exert control over her. It's going to take some detachment to make him realize that he has to work on himself.

I'm sorry, read quickly I was focused on the first few lines of your letter and missed the divorce papers part. What are you planning to do (if you have a plan, which you may not). He sounds like he is in a terrible place and of course you have to protect yourself if he is damaging you.