SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I did a 3-month practicum at a state prison while in nursing school.

The very first thing required of ALL employees, volunteers, students, etc, before ever having any contact with inmates is to watch a 4-hour training on maintaining appropriate boundaries with inmates.

The year before I was there, one of the nurses developed a sexual relationship with an inmate who was in the infirmary. Rumors started circulating as she wasn't as indiscreet as she thought, so she quit her job. The very next day, she was on that inmates list of approved visitors. So time went on and he was eventually released. Because they were "in lurve," she moved him in with her.

A few months after he moved in with her, he robbed her blind while she was at work and took off for parts unknown.

1- SHE ruined all these lives, not you

2- you need to see a lawyer, like yesterday, and protect your children, full stop

3- when/if he gets out, he will most likely be on parole. If he threatens you, you call the police and demand they file a report and notify his parole officer. How badly do you suppose he really wants to go back to prison?

4- armed robbery? He's a violent offender. Refer back to point 2

I'm sorry that you find yourself here but you need to protect yourself and your children. Your wife's choices and behaviors are unacceptable and dangerous. Please seek help.

When cheaters say they don't know what they want?

Well since she decided to go out looking for another man it is pretty obvious that she want's someone other than you.

Easy to make that choice, let her go to follow her heart.

But talk to a lawyer and get back into the home. It sound like you're living away from your kids. Don't try to nice her back it won't sork.

Make sure that you keep an eye on you bank accounts as she may be skimming to help out BF and most likely he will ask her for money.

Make sure you have copies of those papers showing why she was fired from her job. I imagine those will be important to prove in court how unstable she is.

You have to do what's best for the kids. You do not want them around someone who has been in prison. Remember that she had extremely poor boundaries and he did as well. If he was truly trying to better himself and improve his life in order to be a functioning member of society when he gets out he wouldn't be getting involved with a married prison employee.

Bit more to the story. My wife has tried to help him better his life. She’s a caring person and she says at first it was pity then she felt like she enjoyed talking to him on the phone he has access too from his cell. I’ve only got evidence of this from what she’s told me which could indeed be a pack of lies so going to a solicitor with no real proof won’t get me anywhere. I don’t want this to get any messier than it already is. This guys up for parole and he has a girlfriend waiting for him outside who I also believe is abit crazy. My wife knows that her feelings for him are wrong but she fears that cutting contact with him is dangerous. She knows all about his life his past and his family.

This morning I’ve come home to see the kids whilst she works in her new job. And I told her that if she doesn’t stop this now I will be going to a lawyer. She says she’s made a whole mess of her life by her choices and she can fix this and get back to what we had again at some stage. I know I’ll never trust her and always be so hurt by this but living a life away from her hurts me so much as I am crazy about her and always have been. A lawyer is so expensive I have no real money and if I go for the kids and get them it leaves her in this mans arms and she will never want to come back to me. I want my old wife back. The one who loved me so much. So lost

There is a saying here, in order to save your marriage, you need to BE WILLING to lose it. Your WW is only throwing you little bits of regret to keep you strung along while she plays on the fence. Having her play thing on one side and you, the responsible one on the other. What consequences has she faced besides being fired from her job. Does her family and friends know she is still making poor choices?

What example are you setting for your children? That is ok to be treated poorly? That you are worth her honest full effort in a loving relationship? That she is willing to put her children in danger once POSOM is released from prison?

The decision is up to you in the end here. Just ask yourself this. Do you want your children to tell you once they are grown up... why did you let mom do what she did to us? Or, thank you for having our concerns, wellbeing, and safety in mind by standing up to mom when she was making bad decisions way back when?

When cheaters say they "don't know" what they want, they actually do know what they want. They just don't want to tell you because what they want is to continue eating their cake, whilst stringing you along.

My kids are my everything and if this guy even turns up near them I will ring the police straight away. I’ve warned her that and I assure you all now I will. What I don’t want to do is wreck her life because beyond all this there is a beautiful woman within. She won’t even consider bringing him into our home I know that! Her friends and family know and they all fell out with her but they’ve all got back on her side now. She refuses to talk to anyone about him but because I’m like a detective and I find things out she tells me bits and over time I’ve pretty much got the picture. She feels that if he gets out he will leave her alone and go back to his GF and he won’t contact her. She’s pretty much saying her heads a mess

Well, poor her. She's so confused. You must do everything to carry her through this. You must prove that you are the one she should be with. This is backwards.

She’s a caring person

So she is very caring about you and your children together, your marriage, her vows, her greater family.

Read NoOptTo and Butfor the grace just above again.

WhT do u all think I should do? I’m lost

Mike,

This is the last line in your first post. But whether you see it or not, you have done nothing but try to defend taking positive actions, and by that, I mean taking action to protect your children.

There is not one poster so far that has recommended a 'wait and see' approach. They have all advised getting a legal consultation, which you seem hesitant to do. Why is that? I mean, be 100% honest with yourself, and answer that question. We here already know the answer.

It's okay to be scared. Scared of losing your wife, losing your life, losing access to your children, and everything else that seems important in your life. But if you can look past that, you are going to see that you are receiving knowledgeable, sensible advice. Your wife has lied, and continues to lie to you. She tells you that she can 'make things back to the way they used to be'. Are you kidding me? She is going to take all of your new pain, fears, and trust issues away? That's ridiculous....and that is who you are letting steer the ship.

Go to a solicitor. Don't tell your wife, just go there with the information that your have, your list of concerns, and a list of questions. The worst case scenario is that you will have spent some money for answers that you may not like....not some imagined nightmare. You will have gained KNOWLEDGE. Something that you need right now.

Don't run away from the hard decisions. How you handle this situation, FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, is going to define you for future years. Like I said earlier, it is okay to be scared, but it is not okay to be inactive. You can do this.

He was In for armed robbery then later absconded from

An open prison. He’s served close to 10 years and he’s only 28. If I go to a lawyer with what I know I’ll wreck her life which will wreck the kids lives which will wreck mine too as a result

Protect your kids! Their lives are already ruined. You want it to be worse when they are subjected to this criminal who could do who knows what to them or their mother in front of them?

He's in for armed robbery. That's a serious, VIOLENT, crime! Get the paperwork from the prison. See a lawyer or 3 and do everything you can to get your kids away from her. Why does she even have them? She's obviously not fit to be a mother if she's willing to subject them to a violent criminal for her own, personal pleasure.

. I want my old wife back. The one who loved me so much. So lost

That is not going to happen friend. It's time to man up and draw some firm boundaries, and again, with every action you take it should go back to how will this effect my kids.

DO NOT FOR A SECOND ASSUME - that she isn't going to try to meet up w/ him. She has feelings for him. That is a recipe for disaster, esp if there is another woman that is also a criminal.

Stop living in fear and being reactive and start being proactive and make the real changes you need to make.

NUMBER ONE - Get to an attorney. You think this is expensive, financial loss is nothing compared to this POS shit coming to your home and hurting your wife and kids. Yah you will ring the police, but what will you do while you wait for them to arrive.

Get your head on straight and start taking control of the situation.

787Mike

My kids are my everything

Put your wife to the side for a moment and lets concentrate on the kids.

What type of financial support do you suppose this convicted felon will be able to supply to help care for the kids?

I would think that with minimal opportunities for him your WW may need to work two or three jobs, plus your child support, to care for your children.

This may leave him to care for your children while they are with their mother.

It is my opinion that you should talk with a lawyer even if she hints that she wants to try to work things out.

What I don’t want to do is wreck her life

You're not wrecking her life, she is wrecking yours.

She won’t even consider bringing him into our home I know that!

She will. Count on it.

She feels that if he gets out he will leave her alone and go back to his GF and he won’t contact her.

This guy will never leave your wife alone. He's a user and he's got his hooks into her. He'll expand her already week boundaries and the next thing you know he's living in your house, having his friends over, and she's going right along with it. He'll get every ounce of sex, money and eventually drugs and anything else can get from her. He grew up in a prison. What do you think that does to people. Your kids lives are in danger.

Sometimes's OK to just hope for the best and wait for everything to get better. This is not one of those times. You can't afford to be soft. You need to fight for your kids.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:54 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Getting legal advice is not the same as filing for divorce. You are not making a decision about the future of your marriage by consulting someone with expertise about your options and how to protect your kids and yourself. DO THIS NOW! Yes, lawyers are expensive, but that is only because they are highly trained and their advice is WORTH IT.

Take this one step to empower yourself.

All I'm reading is you justifying and rationalizing what she's done, telling us how she's such a good person.

A good person doesn't betray their family. EVER.

I know your all right. If I get full custody of my kids then I won’t be able to work and their life will be seriously shit. She says she has feelings for him and that if she ends this now he could tell authorities and she could land in jail herself. I don’t want revenge I’m a pretty nice person and I don’t lie or cheat or want to get her back to hurt her like she’s hurt me.

I WILL go to a solicitor based on your advice. But if I tell them I don’t want her knowing will they honour that? I’m 38 and I’ve never been through anything like this before. She’s been to visit him in jail. Topped up his phone, send in postal orders of clothes etc! She’s in it up to her eyeballs.

She feels that if he gets out he will leave her alone and go back to his GF and he won’t contact her.

You are willing to bet your life and your kids life on this huh? What is your plan if he doesn't? By the way, you can just about count on your wife picking him up from prison and going strait to a motel room.

You are letting your life be dictated by whether or not this convicted armed robber that has been raised in prison is going to be faithful to his girlfriend. Not that I should have to point this out, but remember, he's not being faithful to her now.

She’s been to visit him in jail. Topped up his phone, send in postal orders of clothes etc! She’s in it up to her eyeballs.

You need to wake up. Talk to people in real life that can snap you out of this nonsense.

[This message edited by Fishin4happyness at 10:04 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

I say this with complete sincerity, you are playing a dangerous game with the safety of your wife your kids and yourself! Seek the advice of an attorney immediately! Do not take a chance or listen to anything your wife says further regarding this man! File for divorce for two reasons, It will help protect your rights as a father, And it will show your wife that you are serious about the fact that if she continues the marriage Is over! Take it from me, I have seen thing like this go bad before you know it! Get out in front of this now and take your emotions out of this! The will never lead you down a good path. Good luck to you…..

You have to protect your children and yourself from her. She makes very bad decisions.

Option 1: She chooses him. You and your children get far away from her

Option 2: She gets into therapy, dumps the prisoner. She can retain her marriage and see her children grow up

Mike,

At the moment your wife is telling you things that are blatantly and obviously lies designed to pacify you while she continues the destructive project that she has embarked upon.

She feels that if he gets out he will leave her alone and go back to his GF and he won’t contact her.

Think about it; if she really thinks he is going to do that, why is she continuing her relationship with him? Why is she sending him money and gifts? Nobody does that if they think a relationship is a dead end.

She says she has feelings for him and that if she ends this now he could tell authorities and she could land in jail herself.

A totally ridiculous attempt to use your love for her to emotionally blackmail you into letting her continue her affair with this piece of crap without opposing it.

Is she really saying the object of her affections is going to cause trouble for her? If she thinks that of him, why is she chasing him?

Okay, call her bluff; ask her what evidence she has that suggests he will make trouble for her if she ends the relationship. Ask her to show you the emails or messages where he has blackmailed her that way. If she has nothing to show you, then she is making that threat up, isn't she?

"I can't end it, or I will end up in jail" - seriously, is she eight years old?

As ridiculous as the things she says to try and make you take no action are, the dangerous issue here is how determined she is to keep driving the bus towards the edge of a cliff.

The question is, do you let her, or do you grab the steering wheel and slam your foot on the brake?

I know some of the things I say sound harsh, but none of them are a criticism of you. You should not be in this position, just as the rest of us should never have been in the positions that our wayward spouses put us in.

However, we all found ourselves there anyway. And we had to take action to protect ourselves and our kids. Some of those actions were difficult, some were fought by our wayward spouses, but they had to be done.

And in this case, your wife is now spending money on a jailbird who is clearly keen to exploit her for everything he can get out of her, while she is acting like an infatuated child with no boundaries or common sense.

Mike, he will use her and then throw her away, so blowing this train off the rails is an act to protect her and your children from that.

If it means talking to a lawyer, phoning the prison governor, telling her family that she is spending money on the man that she could be spending on her kids, then so be it.

If your wife thinks she could end up in jail, why does she want to continue this? She is clearly a danger to herself, she is not going to stop, and she needs a sensible adult to step in and prevent her from making what is a bad situation any worse than it already is.

Standing back and letting this run to its disastrous conclusion is not going to serve anybody's best interests, except the jailbird, who can walk away with some cash in his pocket and a big smile on his face about taking a prison officer to the cleaners.

I am sorry to put things so bluntly, but I am only doing so to impress on you the importance of taking some decisive action to halt this process before it gets worse.