SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for considering both sides. As far as the story on the kiss goes she admitted that she was caught up in the attention and thought the kiss would be nice (what she says) she then said she didn’t think it would actually happen. she claims he just went in for it and she froze. She said it didn’t feel right and that she didn’t enjoy it. This has been a major fighting point for us because this is where I also said then how could you send the photos if the kiss was only a peck. She explains because of her reaction to the kiss she wanted to keep his attention because he kept asking to see her body. Not saying I believe any of this but this is her stance on this topic. She also demonstrated exactly what she did in the photos and what he saw. Our therapist even said she didn’t think it was a peck at all because of the photos. I do not believe her at all and anyone I tell about this agrees but she sticks to this story. The polygraph does seem like my best option at this point. I would hope that there is even a glimpse her story in some way is what happened. But at this point I’m not counting on it.

I have not seen the photos because they were sent on Snapchat that deletes everything. Unless someone has a way to recover that but all my research has told me there is no way to recover them.

IMO - If there is no kids involved you should try to get rid of her , I am 2 years post DD day and nothing has changed so far .

[This message edited by waryaries at 1:42 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

get that poly done

I will make it clear that I am very aware this could have been a sexual affair but do not have the evidence to prove so . With the information I have it points to an emotional affair progressing. I did read through them talking and there was only one sexual comment that had just happened before I found it. I’m hoping it’s less than everyone suggests but I’m not oblivious to it. I will be having her take the polygraph for sure because how else can I find out of what she says has any truth at all.

I’m just hoping the mother of my two small children and the love of my life the last 11 years isn’t that shitty of a person. But time will expose al. 😞

[This message edited by Cal23 at 1:51 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

You understand that most of the conversation on snapchat has been erased too, right? The only things that stayed are the messages either of them saved

[This message edited by WhyteDynamite at 1:51 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Cal23,

I do believe I caught this early and prevented more damage but how can I be sure more didn’t happen?

I believe you should find and read CaptainRogers threads.

He believed he caught his WW's EA early and minimal damage was done.

In his tag line is the following

Her EA was confirmed as a PA. She lied to me for 15 months about the physical nature of the affair.

I hope you have all the information about your WW's A but, more times than not, what you know is just the tip of many deep dark things hiding below the surface.

Good point and I have no way of knowing what I didn’t see. I rushed to make her delete her Snapchat too before I discovered that you can download a data log. Very stupid mistake in my emotional state because I could have see how long they were talking. And how many photos she sent him . But in my distress I didn’t think clearly enough.

too bad about the deletion of the Snapchat but we all do what seems like a good idea at the time. MOre need for the poly if you want to go that way.

They worked together so they were talking at work, at lunch after work, not just online. But you saw no evidence of "last night was hot" or "I loved the way you felt" texts so there is a chance that it had not gone all the way to whatever people consider sex today.

I think the worse component for me right now is not knowing for sure. If found out she had sex with someone then I would have no problem breaking up my family because I can’t live with that. But if it was a peck and the photos were somehow how she says. Is that worth putting my small children through a divorce? This is where I’m stuck the betrayal still happened and I hate her for doing that. But what can I come back from? I’m in this weird place emotionally about it because I have yet to confirm if sex or more happened. I’m not trying to be dumb about it. It’s just a lot do figure out.

Thank you everyone for your feedback I’m reading it all and taking consideration.

[This message edited by Cal23 at 2:13 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

I'm sorry you're here. Welcome to the best club no one wants to join.

The polygraph is one of the best ways to find out the truth. The reality is that your WW (wayward wife) has done what most do -- deny, then lie and minimize and only trickle out the bare minimum, hoping you'll accept it and rugsweep the rest away. The fact that you're here says that that won't happen.

You seem most focused on what happened between them physically. I get that. I felt the same way when I was in your shoes. Not that I wanted my WW to have feelings for someone else, but for me having physical contact was far worse. Not all here feel the same way of course.

Given that, you should ask her to sit down and write out a complete timeline of everything that happened. Tell her not to leave out any details. Tell her that given how she has lied to you over and over again and then over some more, this will be her final chance to disclose everything to you, and that if she hides anything you will file for D. Tell her when she finishes her timeline you are going to take it and her to a polygraph and she will be asked questions about it - in particular she will be asked whether the timeline is accurate and complete.

She will probably suddenly remember more facts in writing the timeline, and probably even more after that on the drive to the polygraph. That's par for the course around here. Then you must go through with the polygraph anyway because often enough you're still only getting part of the story in the hope of avoiding the poly.

If you take these steps I think it will put you in the best position to be confident that you know the full extent of their relationship and contact. Only then will you be able to decide what to do.

Good luck to you.

Is that worth putting my small children through a divorce?

I’m glad you are thinking of your children.

However if you do decide to divorce please know it is your cheating spouse who caused this. Not you. Sometimes cheating is a dealbreaker. Unfortunately many marriages don’t survive infidelity not because of the affair but because of the behavior and continued lies upon discovering the affair - this is what the Cheater doesn’t seem to understand.

She claims that she was really unhappy with herself and felt like I wasn’t giving her attention or cared about her at all.

As long as she blames you for her decision to cheat she is at a high risk to repeat. Don't believe for a second that she won't do it again because of all the pain it caused you;.

She said she started out friends with him and he started telling her how good she looked and how great she was and she just got caught up in the attention and didn’t realize how far it progressed.

Although you say the exact same words that the OM said, your words won't make her feel as young and/or pretty or appreciated vs the OM's words. He's fresh and exciting while you're the comfortable old shoes.

That's why married people apply boundaries when interacting with others.

Are you in MC over this? It's way too soon for MC.

She needs IC to fix herself.

You need IC to help yourself heal.

This is dragged on too long. Your wife is stalling for time (withholding information and hoping you're move on) and attempting to get your sympathy with tears etc. You are the victim not her.

She needs to take her EA very seriously. People divorce for less. Do not rush to grant her R. She must earn it in order to appreciate it.

In the meantime, in order to take you seriously, she needs to believe you are ready to divorce (even if you're not there yet).

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife failed.

Your wife should do whatever it takes to restore your trust. She needs to believe that if she can't restore your trust that you will divorce her.

Both should read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It will help you both understand the slippery slope you're on and how you got there.

She needs to read: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald

Note: neither book is a long read. She can read these in one weekend.

Cal23,

Please understand that I am neither pro R or pro D.

I just wanted you to know that because your WW has lied to you, trickle truthed you and may not yet have given you all the facts yet, and until you are positive she has, your true beginning on the healing journey has not begun.

Just a note about kissing.

Kissing is actually a big deal. Unless it was just a peck on the cheek, kissing is typically the last step/boundary violated by cheaters prior to an EA escalating to a PA.

I think you caught it just in time. But you need to insist she make herself safe going forward.

You discovered the affair. She didn’t confess. Off to a bad start with reconciliation. Secondly, she has lied a lot. And continues to lie. If she tells you she didn’t receive any attention and that’s why this affair started, tell he that’s the most stupid excuse anyone can give. You weren’t receiving any attention either but didn’t have an affair.

Now, without knowing the complete situation because we are trying to make assumptions from your point of view and the information you have at hand, most of us can tell you that this isn’t just an EA. All evidence and nuances of the relationship point to it being physical.

She kissed him briefly and then sent him nudes? The same night? C’mon. Look, we hope it hasn’t progressed to physical. All of us are hoping each time we read an update from you it doesn’t end up you telling us she finally confessed it was sexual.

Tell her to take an STD/STI test. Take one, too. To drive home the severity of how you view this situation. Usually when you catch a spouse unfortunately it isn’t the first time they have had an affair. It’s a common occurrence you will find out it isn’t their first rodeo.

Thank you everyone I’m praying that I don’t find out about a physical affair. To provide a backstory on this situation. I met her when she was 18 and she moved in with me when she was 19. She was home schooled from middle school on and only had one boyfriend before meeting me. She spent 10 years being a stay at home mom/ wife. She started this job last October to help with bills and to have something besides just being a mom. She has had no life experience beyond being at home with our family. She wasn’t even on the job a full year and this guy got in her head. I don’t excuse anything she did and I hate her for her choices. I agree she definitely needs individual therapy. Right now Im really hoping I caught it soon enough even if that probably isn’t the reality.

I am more concerned with a physical affair. Emotions can be misleading and can change. Once she engages in something physical you can never get that back. Just a viewpoint I guess