This Topic is Archived
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 11:30 PM on Monday, December 16th, 2019
She did wish me a Happy Anniversary. But she wanted to know where her gift was
The only response I could think of to her question was a big ol' eye roll 
My STBX got angry at me one year after False R because I said I felt no need to celebrate the day anymore. He told me the day meant A LOT to him. Too bad he didn't think this way all the years he was spending our anniversaries with MOW 
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 2:34 PM on Tuesday, December 17th, 2019
If a wedding anniversary means anything at all, that meaning is only sustained by protecting one's vows.
My wife cheated. The marriage was killed. If the marriage is dead, then why the heck would anyone want to celebrate something that had no value to the person who killed it?
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:58 PM on Tuesday, December 17th, 2019
Question: for BS's, have your anniversaries changes since the affair? How so?
I doubt it. 3 years out and in limbo is not a time for celebrating M.
Do you think you're a dick?
Question: for WS's, how do you honor your BS on your wedding anniversaries?
2011 (9 months out) - nothing. I told my W if she figured something out and invited me to join her, I might say 'yes.' She arranged something that appealed to me, so I went with her and had a great time. She also gave me flowers, which really impressed me. 
2012 - nothing
2013 - dinner out, because we were with son, GS, and then DIL. I think I gave her a fancy chocolate bar.
2014 - dinner, I was beginning to think we had been M 47 years, not 4.
2015 - real celebrations of and enjoyment in our M.
That was my time line after starting on R on d-day. Since you're still in limbo, IIRC, not wanting to celebrate makes perfect sense to me.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 4:19 PM on Tuesday, December 17th, 2019
No, I don't think I'm a dick.
I just don't think there is anything to celebrate related to the anniversary.
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 4:29 AM on Wednesday, December 18th, 2019
Okay, so I am separated, but the first anniversary after D-day, I put it in my calendar as DWTFYWTDD. This translates into Do Whatever The Fuck You Want To Do Day. Had I stayed, I would never have celebrated another anniversary again, a fact I had made clear. I might have considered renewing my vows had she moved heaven and earth, but she didnt. Thank God for that. WWs are like the kid that shits in the pool at a birthday party and wonders why the fun stops.
I'm an oulier in my positions.
Me:57 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.
Divorced
Jorge ( member #61424) posted at 5:10 AM on Wednesday, December 18th, 2019
But she wanted to know where her gift was.
Unbelievable.She's still knee deep.
gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 5:19 AM on Wednesday, December 18th, 2019
The marriage was killed. If the marriage is dead, then why the heck would anyone want to celebrate something that had no value to the person who killed it?
This is why I don't think I would ever "celebrate" another anniversary with my WH.
I don't celebrate my wedding anniversary for the same reason I don't wear my wedding or engagement rings. While our M may have been "real" to him, for me it was a mirage.
M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived
It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies
Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 2:04 PM on Wednesday, December 18th, 2019
36, I'm curious to know what your long game thinking might be. What would you like your anniversary next year to be like? Two years from now? Five years? What concrete steps have you taken, or do you plan to take, to move yourself toward that goal?
"The wicked man flees when no one chases."
DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 5:15 PM on Wednesday, December 18th, 2019
36years - Why don't you feel like you can exist in the same house as her and not still respect yourself?
You don't have to have sex with her if you are in the same house? Unless I am missing something.
If you aren't building new memories, the current crappy mind movies will be all you have from your marriage. You need new memories to build on if you are going to be in this marriage. Otherwise it is just a piece of paper.
Maybe sleep in a guest bedroom of your house. Then you 2 can at least talk more regularly.
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 6:28 PM on Wednesday, December 18th, 2019
36, I'm curious to know what your long game thinking might be. What would you like your anniversary next year to be like? Two years from now? Five years? What concrete steps have you taken, or do you plan to take, to move yourself toward that goal?
Here's the simple answer: I don't know.
Here's the not so simple answer: It is my hope that everything will return to butterflies and roses.
[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 12:29 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 6:30 PM on Wednesday, December 18th, 2019
6years - Why don't you feel like you can exist in the same house as her and not still respect yourself?
You don't have to have sex with her if you are in the same house? Unless I am missing something.
If you aren't building new memories, the current crappy mind movies will be all you have from your marriage. You need new memories to build on if you are going to be in this marriage. Otherwise it is just a piece of paper.
Maybe sleep in a guest bedroom of your house. Then you 2 can at least talk more regularly.
I am beginning to enjoy living by myself.
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 6:33 PM on Wednesday, December 18th, 2019
Here's the not so simple answer: It is my hope that everything will return to butterflies and roses.
I tried that. Hope isn't a bad thing, but it doesn't solve much on its own.
If you want butterflies, you've got to reach out beyond the anger and the pain to try and reconnect with the person who hurt you. It ain't easy, but in my case, it was worth pushing past the past.
Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 6:02 PM on Tuesday, December 24th, 2019
If you want butterflies, you've got to reach out beyond the anger and the pain to try and reconnect with the person who hurt you. It ain't easy, but in my case, it was worth pushing past the past.
Good advice, Oldwounds. But try aas I might, there still seems to be something holding me back.
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
Vomitousmass ( member #62687) posted at 4:50 AM on Wednesday, December 25th, 2019
[This message edited by Vomitousmass at 11:15 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]
This Topic is Archived
