My (35M) wife (37F) has emotionally cheated on me at work. We are married for almost ten years (this month woo ten year anniversary, HA).
There’s another JFO thread very similar to yours that is right there next to yours. Read it to see what you SHOULD NOT DO.
The thread is here - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=642138
Read it to learn what happens when you don’t implement the 180, go soft in the face of tears and let a WW manipulate you. You can do what this guy did, in just the past several weeks, incidentally, or you can go a different and stronger way.
Seriously that thread is a fucking tragedy. Don’t be that poor guy.
(Incidentally, please don’t tell us about how your situation is unique or I might actually vomit - it’s not unique and if you don’t some really active steps RIGHT NOW, it won’t be unique in your failure, either).
The highest escalation of physical contact my wife said happened was holding hands.
This almost certainly a lie unless you can provide a REALLY good reason for “reason to believe”
Over the next month she texted him over a thousand times,
A month means a physical sexual affair. Sorry.
They may or may not be deleted. I'm asking for them tonight after some soul searching.
You can solve this dilemma by asking her to hand over the phone, or you’re done. Then run Fonelab on it. Costs a little over $100. Worth it.
After confronting her about this, she and him agreed to delete each other from their phones.
And now you’ve seen how this works out.
We had already scheduled couples counseling after the first confrontation, but due to low availability of counselors, our first meeting isn't til the end of the month.
Cancel this immediately. Couples counseling is completely worthless in the face of infidelity. It’s a waste of time and money and will only result in encouraging rugsweeping and blameshifting. If you proceed with it in spite of this warning, don’t say you weren’t warned. I know what I’m talking about.
It's our tenth year anniversary on the 20th, and we are going on a trip starting next week.
Nope. Cancel the trip immediately. Going on the trip rewards her infidelity. If you proceed with the trip, don’t say you weren’t warned.
Fun tacked on fact, my father passed away two weeks ago, and she did an amazing job to help get me through it.
While she was screwing another man. Count on it. Let that sink in.
So here’s what to do (honestly I don’t know why I keep posting this - it never seems to sink in).
1. This isn't an EA with light hand holding. It's a full blown PA. I will bet on it if you want (seriously bet me and then you can pay up later - PM me if you want, I would love the money). And it's not cheating, straying, wayward or any of that other euphemistic nonsense. It's adultery. It's a willful, deliberate shattering of the marital vows, a sacred covenant.
1a. I hate to say this, but sex has probably already been on offer and more than likely has happened — or it has been discussed in a hot and heavy way.
2. She needs to quit her job if she wants to stay with you. That needs to happen right now. If she's not willing to do that, that is the first and only line in the sand. She should also be willing to report the inappropriate behavior between both of them to HR before she quits.
3. You need access to her devices. She must hand them over willingly and you will use retrieval software to download everything. Again, this is non-negotiable. Not up for debate. She either does it or you walk. Don't screw around with this or get in an involved circular discussion with her. "Hand the phone over right now or we're done." Use FONELAB to retrieve all the deleted bullshit.
3a. Go visit a divorce attorney right now so you know your options and so that you have a plan of action to implement if you need to separate immediately (if she won't comply with your reasonable non-negotiables I've outlined here).
3b. Demand a no contact text again, along with a no contact written letter, and a no contact email. Demand the name of the AP if you don’t have it. Then CONTACT the other betrayed spouse. The wife DESERVES TO KNOW. This is the ethical thing to do on your part. If you shirk this, you’re leaving an innocent woman to swing in the wind.
4. By allowing her to “apologize deeply” you are doing a version of the pick me dance. Stop it. Implement the 180 to the best of your ability right now. How do you know what you’re forgiving? You don’t! You’re married to a proven liar and cheat who is swearing up and down to fix this. But she’s a liar and cheat. See how this works?
5. Give her a package of non-negotiables. This is an all or nothing package. It's a take it or leave proposition. Be ready to walk and mean it with a fervor down to your gonads. Tell her you have too much self-respect to wait around while she dilly dallies on a decision like Scarlett O'Hara. She either does these things or you walk. Again - it’s an all or nothing package that can get you clear of your wife’s moral morass. If you choose not to do it, great. Good for you. Good luck. Keep doing what you’re doing and keep getting the same result. Or do this and get a better result that will allow you to decide whether to reconcile or divorce with a dishonest woman:
A. Immediate IC for both of you, preferably with therapists who specialize in betrayal trauma. You are the victim of betrayal trauma now, but that doesn't mean you need to stay a victim.
B. No marital or couples counseling - it's destructive and worse than useless in the wake of adultery. Later MC might be good, but much later. Most marital counselors will disregard your pain and try to rug sweep. They will also encourage blameshifting. Keep plowing forward with MC at your peril — literally to your sanity and physical health. I’m NOT KIDDING.
C. Full STD panel for her and for you. This must happen. She's claiming no sex and all the moony dreamy-eyed handholding. I get it. That’s not what adults do. Adults have SEX. Tell her this is what you want and it's not up for debate. If she can't do this minimal thing for your peace of mind, then you need to be quits with her.
D. Written timeline of the entire affair. Detailed, WRITTEN, narrative timeline. In this case, give her a week to finish it and hand it over. She had plenty of time to screw around texting a married co-worker, she's got plenty of time to detail her affair in writing for you.
E. Polygraph exam for her tested against the timeline for veracity and truthfulness. OF ALL THE THINGS I AM TELLING YOU, THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. It will terrify her and cut through her lies like a hot knife through butter. Balk and go weak and YOU WILL NEVER GET THE TRUTH. Polys are cheap in the long run, about $500. Better accuracy with one single question, like "did you have sex" but you can ask additional questions for the same price (the accuracy goes down a little bit with each added question, however). Polys are accurate. The FBI, U.S. Senate, intelligence community and military all use them for a reason. The poly is a tool to exert tremendous psychic pressure on her to come clean. Don’t debate about accuracy or anything else. JUST DO IT. You'll read a lot here about the proverbial parking lot confession. It's not cruel, it's rational and smart. You need to be rational, cold and smart right now.
F. Moving forward, post nuptial agreement for you to protect you from divorce rape in the event of future infidelity. She's demonstrated a worldview capable of adultery. Cheaters don't always repeat, but post nups are recommended for a reason.
G. As I already said, she quits her job and reports the infidelity to HR. It sounds like they were screwing around on the job, so this is a MUST.
H. She must read and implement the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. Order it from Amazon NOW. No balking, no weaseling, no delays. Then she provides a written plan for how she will implement the book immediately.
Lastly, VAR her. VAR the shit out of her (excuse my French). VAR her car. Most importantly keep a VAR on yourself. If you skip this step, then have fun with a hellish nightmare!
Trust but verify is a cliche for a reason. You need intel, and she's not a trustworthy person. She's a shifty bullshitter. She might gain empathy and remorse later and become a safe life partner.
But not now. Right now she's an adulterous woman. Read Proverbs 30:20 and let that sink in. That’s your wife. That’s who she is.
She isn’t special. She never was. There are hundreds, perhaps thousands, of women you are compatible with, who are attractive, warm, funny, sexy, loving women. And they’ve never cheated on you. Dozens of them live in your geographic proximity. Your wife is just one of them you happened to marry.
NO, YOUR WIFE IS NOT SPECIAL.
And she sure is hell isn’t special now that she’s a cheating adulterous woman.
So that’s it. You can do this or not. You can dither and let your wife play mind games, lie to you, gaslight you, string you along. We’ve seen it all before.
It is nauseatingly repetitive. The only thing that isn’t repetitive is a betrayed husband who takes charge of his situation and gets out of infidelity. That’s rare. And it takes the steps outlined above.
Good luck to you, sir.
[This message edited by Thumos at 10:55 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]
