SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I work in a very Macho and male dominated profession where you are judged very much on your family’s Curb Appeal. The wife you choose, the kids you raise, the quality of life you provide are all judged and a reflection on your character and your leadership ability. I’m basically surrounded by high achieving Boy Scouts and “their perfect wives and families” in a Disney Land or Stepford Wives environment. Everyone keeps their personal lives and what REALLY goes on behind the facade, very private and white washed. The stink of an affair corrupted marriage was just too much. Just too much for them to process, too much for them to empathize with-without stirring up their own darkest nightmares. They then try and find reasons, reassuring reasons why this happened to me and will not ever happen to them. A blame the victim reassurance.

I can see also how female BS’s can fall into this scenario, and be blamed for prioritizing the kids over the husband, depriving him of sex, alienation of affection, etc as Embracethechange mentioned-spot on.

But that Dr Phil episode Jameson1977 brought up is EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

My WW seems to be getting off easier than I would ever have.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 3:54 PM, April 30th (Thursday)]

As a man, telling other men is risky. You won't get much support from men who haven't experienced it. They will assume you somehow failed or deserved it. Many will joke with you about it like it is funny. There will be a segment of men who will cuck out hard and tell you to rugsweep it, be a better man, and "fireproof" your marriage by loving her even if she is cheating on you.

However...there are some who have with wisdom to give you a solid reality check and be there when you need to talk. Finding the right men to talk to is critical. Everyone needs friends.

It is painful, when you see men go running to a priest or pastor...you just know what is about to happen and it won't be what is best for that man.

Man, these responses make me glad I have the friends I do. I have two very close friends and we bust each other's balls pretty hard and have for 20 years, but they weren't giving me any guff about the cheating. They could tell I was pretty devastated. One of them was the type to give solid reality checks, almost to the point of leaning too far into devil's advocacy (which I'd rather have vs. someone who doesn't challenge my perspective whatsoever).

Any friend outside of those two however is a crap shoot. Either they don't know what to say so they say nothing, or they're insecure about their own marriage so they force a kind of shallow positivity, which is clearly just them reassuring themselves out loud. Surprisingly, none of the guys I told was full on "screw that bitch" about it. I get it though, they didn't live with this terrible woman.

To me, the most interesting part of telling other people, man or woman, is how many will admit to you how badly they want to cheat on their own spouse if you tell them your own betrayed story with an air of calmness and acceptance. It's like they interpret it as you giving them the green light to cheat since "it didn't seem to be so bad for this guy". Pretty bold of them to assume a betrayed spouse wants to hear their cheating story.

Totally agree Stinger. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it a lot of various daytime TV talk shows.

I do think there is some form of this comparison in general society. I’ve seen it with female and male friends in my own experience.

I haven't told anyone, other than my doctor and ex marriage counselor. My wife and I want to R and don't feel the need to have others involved. It is a hard secret to keep, especially when your kids wonder why your sad and depressed every day. Suffering in silence starts to wear on me, especially when I consider that my daughters always thought of me as a strong man.

I too was totally humiliated and didn’t tell anyone. I just couldn’t live with the looks of pity that others here have described. So I ate the shit sandwich.

We had a very good marriage. However things changed after her affair. She turned into almost the perfect wife. Terrified that one misstep I would send her packing.

I on the other hand went the other way. I played golf whenever I could, including trips all over the world. I bought toys for myself and though I wasn’t mean to her, I was far from the loving husband I was prior. People noticed. I would actually have friends pull me aside and tell me that if I didn’t treat her better I could lose her.

When it all came out the script flipped. I was no longer the asshole, and she was the one who had to take the heat. It was clear what caused my change in behavior.

I thought it was going to be a disaster, but it people were kinder to me than I thought they would be. Turned out ok for me in the end

I have never told anybody, outside of SI. I don't know who I'd tell. Can't tell my family, that'd just be awkward and they wouldn't exactly be supportive of me either... my parents would encourage a rugsweeping. My friends and I don't really talk about feelings that much... we're just there for a good time with each other. I think I have one friend I could tell and he'd be understanding, but I wouldn't want him telling anybody else, which I can't guarantee. Most of my friends would either say "ditch the bitch" or "what were you doing wrong?"

My WW told her brother, who is basically a "swinger" with his long term girlfriend... he didn't really think it was a big deal, and probably made her feel better about her decision to cheat. She also told her sister, but her sister and her husband have such a toxic relationship, my wife's handful of sexual encounters with another man probably pale in comparison to their shit.

It's been 3.5 years, I'll probably never tell anybody. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna burst if I don't tell SOMEBODY, but I always talk myself out of it.