SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Talk a little more to 1stWife---she is reconciled, and still doesn't do his laundry to this day. Those are consequences for his actions....and unfortunately, something that you are NOT giving to your WH.

That is true. 7 years later I don’t do his laundry. Ever.

I decided that if we were going to R I was no longer the mother to him. Meaning I’m going back to when we were dating and not “taking care of him” as a wife. I don’t pay his bills. I don’t do his errands. I do not put him first all the time.

We were not going back to the old marriage.

And guess what? He never complains. Not once. He does more food shopping t than I do now. He helps more around the house. He cooks dinner more often. He watched the kids so I could do things on my own — without him.

I stopped being a doormat. And we are happily reconciled.

I’d say don’t send the obs a message in fb. The reason is, if he’s a trusting spouse, he prob lets her in his fb all the time. I even get a beep on my phone every time I get a fb message.

BN, you are waaaaay past the 180 or any other half-measures. You need to take decisive action to get out of infidelity NOW.

Find a lawyer and file for divorce. If he dislodges his head from his rectum and fights for your marriage, great. If he doesn’t and you get divorced, you just saved yourself years of misery and can get on with true business of recovering.

If you’re unwilling to do that, then you need to come to terms with the fact that you are going to be sharing your husband— emotionally and most likely physically— for the foreseeable future.

And that assumes that he won’t eventually decide to pack up and leave you at a moment that’s convenient for him, like when the kids are out of the house.

1st wife you seem like such a strong person. I appreciate that you come here and give realistic advice even though you’ve reconciled. I’m sure youve helped a lot of people

Homewrecked I thought of that and it’s kind of what holds me back from messaging him! If I ever saw him in public alone well I’d definitely not hold back lol. However if/when the time comes I’m ready to say F it, I’ll probably just message him while I know she’s at the gym lol.

Bluer than blue as much as I hate to admit it you’re right. I really need to get back on track financially and get my plan B turned into Plan A.

I’d love to look back on all your posts and stories but I think I need a premium membership to do that.

You all—- not just those mentioned in this post told me things I really needed to hear. And hopefully someone else out there sees this and it helps them too. Thank you

If you click on the smiley face in our posts you can check out our profiles and past posts.

Omg I never knew that! I thought it was just to add emojis lol thanks!

I went through this with my xwh too. Him being all sad and depressed that his big ol meanie-head wife made him stop talking to his 18yo twatap. Yes, I actually 'supported' him having his feewings...

That was when I was trying for R. Before I had snapped out of my own fog.

Him pining for his ap and in any way expecting me to support that shit was 100% unacceptable.

BN11, what your wh is doing is completely inexcusable and it is time for him to shit or get off the pot. By doing his poor little me routine, he is trying to play on your empathy. I fell for it too, but you do NOT owe him that. If he's so sad without her, then he can just go and be with her then and you can be free of his bullshit. I know how hard that is and I am so very sorry you are having to deal with it too.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart just aches for you.

I was reminded of something I read about the other women in general. You mentioned how she reaches out and snags him back after he tries to end it. What I read was that the majority of other women starts giving up after about two or two and a half years.

I imagine she's fought with him when he gave her excuses about staying with you. Maybe he's seen her when the mask slipped out of frustration. Maybe he has second thoughts about her wonderfulness.

It almost sounds that you're certain he won't leave you for her.

That's a good point I guess, but he needs to go all the way and go NC. Period. The longer he puts this off the more likely they become one of those "make up to break up" couples.

The other thing is to blow it up and tell the OBS. Make sure you have your proof because I think you mentioned OW thinks you are the crazy wife.

This will give you another pair of eyes on them and will give you some breathing room as she scrambles to play nice with her H.

he has a male friend he confides in and has even said he’s trying to end it for good (I saw when I checked his messages a while back before our most recent discussion ).

I'm not sure if this male friend told you this himself or if you read this as a text to your H.

If it was a text, I'm not sure it means very much. As a text, it's something I would say to an alcoholic friend. "Yeah SuzyQ, I know you're trying to quit. You're doing great!"

It means something else when his friend says to you that he knows your H is trying to end it.

By the way, are you close to some of your H's male friends and can get them on your side? I also love how you take pains to blow up their little plans. I did the same things. It brings out the worst in predatory women.

I hope this thing resolves quickly for you for your own health. Your most important tools are NC for your H, demand it now, and give the OBS the gift of clarity to make his own decisions.

You have received a great deal of good advice. It seems to me that you are still tolerating your WH's behavior because of financial issues and the fact you have a child. You need to address those concerns. I don't know if you work, but if not, find a job. Plan for a better job and think about establishing a career in something that is financially and emotionally fulfilling. Work on yourself emotionally and physically. Be the best you can be. Prepare as if your husband died and you are now alone. A mistake made by too many women and men who become stay-at-home fathers is that they become financially dependent on the other spouse. When a marriage goes bad, and that seems to be the case quite often, the dependent spouse, while entitled to support, still feels immobilized due to financial considerations. Whether your marriage survives or not, you must place yourself in a position where you are not dependent on someone else's support. As far as children are concerned, co-parenting can work. My son is a living example. It takes cooperation between the former spouses to ensure success. You do have to swallow a lot of shit to make it work (I did), but the results are worth it. It beats staying in an abusive relationship. Finally, if your WH sees these changes in you, it might just stoke fear in his heart that you are planning to leave him at some future time. This should help motivate change. If he asks why so many changes, simply respond that you cannot allow yourself to ever again be financially dependent on someone else. Good luck, work on yourself and prepare for a happy life regardless of whether your marriage lasts.

[This message edited by src9043 at 12:29 PM, February 12th (Friday)]