SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Now I just need to wait right?

I have a Children of Alcoholics meeting tomorrow morning I will attend...

I'm journaling daily, I have a counseling appt next week.

I didnt talk to him at all yesterday. But today I feel needy for some answers and see where he is at.

I got myself up early this morning to get into an children of alcs meeting. drove 30 minutes and they didnt have the meeting. I tried at least. Spent the gorgeous day outside tending to my yard and had time to just be vs anxious or stressed.

Im basically waiting for him to attend his counseling meeting this coming week to hear back about how he wants to proceed. we are chatting here and there. I am debating everything. He is too vague right now, not reaching out to me and Im feeling very unsure due to his recent lying.

I think he must have told the girl that he was not interested in me when he told me he would seek counseling and not be with her in that time as we figured things out... so im debating if he just did it to have me end it. He said that wasnt the case but we all know some cheaters do that because they are too cowardly to move on or end it fully.

He is for sure emotionally stunted and unavailable often. I have always led the relationship. Im a follow through type of person, super ambitious and a do-er. He works to die. My family comes before work. so we are a bit opposite, but he also calms me where I get him on track.

Just seeing the good and the bad. still I was divorced twice before and this relationship is the safest and makes me happiest. I just need him to come to the table himself. I dont want to pull him. The waiting is the worst. I wish he would just show up. (he works blocks from my house) Atleast Im crying way less. I dont feel like Im having a break down like before. Venting really helped.

Ty for listening

he is not responding to me so I guess thats my answer. someone who still wants to figure this out will say something. He has always avoided. he only comes back after weeks of silence and we (my kids and I) deserve better. silence is shit. hiding means he hasnt grown up and cant deal with his feelings. he keeps popping in and out of our family. its so damaging.

I deserve better and probably realized that when I decided to go seek what was out there. I dont want to start over but I also dont want to be lied to or treated like this. I am worthy of better "love" or whatever this is.

I think he has been lying to both me and the other girl and if I knew he said bad shit about me, it would be easy to walk. Im tempted to get in constant with her for her side. If he is not going to come forward anyway, Im not losing. I already lost it. and I kept pulling him back cause I loved him for some very specific reasons.

this relationship is the safest and makes me happiest

He is for sure emotionally stunted and unavailable often

he keeps popping in and out of our family. its so damaging.

Do you see how the top sentence conflicts with the bottom two? Is he really worth waiting for, or is he just the safe alternative to being alone. I hope you can figure this out in your counseling. You shouldn't be "waiting around" for anyone.

[This message edited by newlife03 at 2:20 PM, April 5th (Monday)]

I'm sorry how this is turning out for you.

You're the only one in this relationship at this point.

It's 180 or bust: either hard 180 brings him around or this relationship is over (prepare for it to be over). He's lost control of who and what he is. He isn't who he was and as you knew him.

Sorry to say it but you may have to separate away and do what is best for you.

I saw him at his work. He wasnt suppose to be there today and its the nicest day of the year.

He was just leaving, crabby that he wasted hours there and didnt get time to himself yet again. He made a point to say his parents and friends are worried about him. he is not himself.

he is not with the girl but she keeps showing up at his house to hang out w his male roommate and he said they are great friends. I said you are allowed to tell her to leave, its NOT her house. sounds like he is entertaining her texts too. she was suppose to quit working for his place and she refuses to go now. So guess what, he's not standing up to stop it. But he said he's going to counseling Thursday. He's not w her and she is a mess. I said, Im a mess! and he told me no, she is acting crazy, this is not the same.

He also tells me, he cannot figure out how to juggle work and personal life and he needs personal time. I asked how long? cause I dont think you need weeks or a month to decide if you want to make this work with me or not. Plus you lied to my face BUT the sleeping with someone else is not the worst. Its the lack of communication and you not being yourself. You can have work and a relationship but you cant be putting yourself into situations you would be pissed if I did.

Safe for me means, sexually I am safe. when we are together I feel safe that he can protect us, I never thought he would be with another person. He doesnt drink or do stupid crap to make me worried. His issue is workaholic and communication/ not always making the best choices.

I got some answers and thats what has been making feel insane. No answers. He didnt sleep with her to get me pissed off so I would leave for sure. (my ex h did this) he did it as an ego thrill and she pursued it when he said no to her many times. he feels bad. He never hooks up. never. so I took this really bad that he did. He could also see I was worried cause I bite my lip and fidget, he commented, you dont have to be worried. He is thinking. He told me I should not have done xyz.. and he is concerned about a few things which was good to hear. I like rules and boundaries as well. He was super hurt about the dating thing and he sees men checking me out even when Im with him and it makes him jealous. That he is not good enough.

he needs to put his foot down on this girl. he is in a hostile living scenario. there are people there constantly which makes him more stressed. He wont speak up. I think he has social anxiety.

How he left it with me seemed like he would be in favor of reconciliation. He said he knows we cannot keep doing this yo yo. I see my counselor tomorrow. she has been with me for around 9 yrs. I just want to get on with it, whichever way it goes.

thank you for just even responding and listening. I feel like I just need that to even feel better. I am seeing I was at major fault in this too. I reacted to

his inactions always.

Look up living in Limbo. Because that is where you are.

The OW still works with him. That is strike 1.

The OW comes to where he is staying. Strike 2.

He has not committed to you and marriage clearly and definitively. Strike 3.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:56 AM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

How he left it with me seemed like he would be in favor of reconciliation

"seemed like" isn't a definitive answer. It baffles me that you are letting him treat you this way, that he can play with your emotions and you just go with it because you feel "safe" with him. There are other people you can feel safe with who will treat you with respect. This man isn't worried about you or your feelings; he's still in contact with the girl and makes himself available by "entertaining her texts." He does not love you the way you deserve to be loved.

he needs to put his foot down on this girl. he is in a hostile living scenario. there are people there constantly which makes him more stressed. He wont speak up. I think he has social anxiety.

As long as you continue to make excuses for his behavior you will never get out of this situation. Take charge of your life!

The1stwife, we are not married nor were dating but we have always been in a relationship (for the past 7 yrs) He lives in another house. Where do I find living in limbo? is it forum too? I did a google search and didnt find what I expected.

I saw her working at his job again tonight so she didnt quit. he didnt hire her, but they also cant fire her because she is doing so well. shes a waitress. Why does she drive 45 minutes to this job? I agree he must stop allowing her to be at the house and has to have a talk with his roommate to say its not ok. why on earth would he not know this? He is an avoider. he wont stand up ever. Thats why he likes me. Im forward and strong as far as work and words go. I get shit done. (too independent tho, survival mode)

Newlife03, I know. I cant choose who I love. it just happened 30 yrs ago and I always go back. I give him the benefit of the doubt because of his circumstances and mine. Both of our families have some terrible stuff in it and were both still learning.

I get asked out by others and hit on but I dont go. Im too scared of the intimacy w others. Im great with talking,teaching and directing in work but my own relationships, I feel like I dont know how to navigate it all. I have had no good examples as I grew up.

am I suppose to ask for a direct yet or no to reconcile? or give him a date to decide by? that seems ideal but also like an ultimatum which will push him away I would think. from what I gathered, he needs to see the counselor to help him decide and Im not sure if that means 1 visit or 4. I am in limbo. It sucks but what other choice do I have but leave? I am trying to salvage what we had prior.

Havent even cried about finding out yet. Only about the lies and him dating someone else. but the sex, I only laughed. I think Im still in shock.

If we went into counseling together, what do we discuss exactly? I like a plan. Im assuming how to move forward and having them pinpoint our faults to not repeat them?

[This message edited by lifestoshort at 9:02 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

Halftime2017, you got the kid part wrong. I have adult kids who are out of the house and 2 young kids who are with me full time. he helped raise them since 2014. They are still involved with him.

when I said I wanted to date, we werent "together." I just came back from a long work trip, he picked me up and I saw him several times after we hinted we both wanted to be with one another. But he kept not showing up for us to be together. so I was like ok there is no difference here. I did want to go out with someone and move forward but I couldnt when it came to it. he seemed off and I said are you already involved with someone? Why would you tell me you love me and hint you want to be together and here you have a date? Instead of me stating how I felt, I let him go. I swallowed my true feelings and thus this whole scenario happened. I wanted him to say, hey dont go with anyone, I want to be with you.

I cant just sit down with him to talk ever. He works till 10pm and I get up super early for kids or work. he stays up till 3am and sleeps till 1030. we are not on the same schedules and trying to get him on one is impossible so thats why we have been on and off.

He made time to see her tho! (after 10pm likely and the one and only date they had)

I agree, Im a bit of a mess. this past year has been shit. is anyone truly on par right now? I have my kids at home 100% of the time, single mom and homeschooling. I run my own 2 businesses and am successful at it. but the love part, I feel it but its not stable. Im trying to get to stable and he has to meet me to try.

I've asked, but I don't think you answered. You say it's an on and off relationship. Why were there off times?

I tend to be blunt. But I'm going to put this as gently as possible. He's not that into you. Yes, he needs to have her leave her job and stop hanging out at his house..IF he wants to be with you. But he's not doing either of those things. Men are not complicated. If he wanted her gone, she would be. He doesn't want her gone. He is friends with her because he wants to be. She works at his job,because he wants her there. She is in his house because he wants her there.

When he comes over and talks about maybe wanting to work on reconciliation, are you having sex with hin?

You seriously need to read the 180. You need to work on you. Right now, you sound needy and desperate.

You need to move on. Work on you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:24 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

And,yes,you CAN choose who you love. Love is a choice.

Limbo" is frequently used to describe a temporary state, a lack of movement either forwards or backwards in life or relationships. One thing is certain: being in limbo is uncomfortable. We can feel like we are in limbo for many reasons: life transitions, family issues, the instability of a relationship.

Here is the definition of living in limbo. It applies to the state of your relationship (sorry for referring to it as a marriage - you are not married). He’s got the best of both worlds — you and his OW.

He’s not going to do anything (according to your description of him — he doesn’t stand up for himself).

Then YOU need to stand up for yourself.

Whatever that may be. You have choices - and you seem like a decisive person. A few options:

1. You tell him He has to have no contact with the OW - 100%. He needs to move to a new home and change jobs IF he won’t stop her from coming to his home or won’t fire her.

2. You can do nothing and live with things the way they are.

3. You can go to counseling. Alone. Figure out whatever your issues are. Address them. Then figure out your relationship.

4. You can go to counseling together. Talk about the current situation. Good place to start.

5. You can decide to walk away from this relationship b/c you realize it’s never going to be what you want or need.

You seem stuck in a cycle you can’t get out of at this time. Just know you can choose to do nothing — nothing will change. Or you can decide you want something better. And move towards that goal.

It sounds like you really need to work on growth and yourself, too. It's not just about him.

Manipulating someone to try and get the reaction you want is horrifically unhealthy and toxic. You need to learn to communicate openly and honestly if you expect ANY relationship to work.

Please don't treat any partner like this. It's frankly abusive behaviour to manipulate someone emotionally.

A good relationship can be a lot of things, but it absolutely requires people who will sit down and be open and honest with each other and communicate. Your thread is full of either trying to guess what he's doing or talking about hinting... this isn't junior high anymore. You have to both be able to act like adults and actually talk about what you want and need. No hints. No assuming. If you can't do this... no relationship will work.

[This message edited by PSTI at 6:48 PM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

I cant choose who I love.

You can choose to love yourself! And right now, you are not. At all. You are allowing this man to put you aside. Like Hellfire said, if he truly wanted only you, he would not have the other woman in his life.

I don't know if your counselor specializes in self-love and respect but I think that's what you need to work on. Of course you've been hit on, it's because you're worth it! But you don't move on with them and I don't think it's just fear. You need to know your worth before allowing another man into your life. Your on/off boyfriend/friend/lover/whatever he is, is not worth your time.

I guess if you want to keep sympathizing with him because of his past and allowing him to treat you this way, ok. But you've come here for advice on what you can do. We are all telling you to take care of yourself whether it's moving on from this man or extensive counseling on your issues. He is not interested in the same way you are, and you deserve so much more.

[This message edited by newlife03 at 8:58 PM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

Hurt people hurt people. You've been hurt a lot, and I expect he's been hurt, too. So you continue to hurt each other.

IMO, to further your relationship with this guy, you need to be straight about what you want. You need to ask him what he wants. If he's visiting on an evening, and you want him to stay over, you need to ask him to do so.

You need to ask for what you want. I know that's scary. But it's the only way.

What are your goals for IC?

I know you're carrying a large burden from being abused and being a child of an alcoholic. Even so, have some faith in yourself - you've accomplished a lot, and you're not stopping....

there was some confusion on what happened. we had not slept with one another for 4months, even though we both wanted to. He had a short fling w this girl at the end of last month. sounds like 2 days and it ended fast and he says it was a huge mistake. the issue now is the girl wont quit work at his job.

we ARE in reconciliation as of Tuesday night. He said no way can he date another. its not what he wants and it opened his eyes. we had a 4 hour chat. the issue we both had this whole time was fear. Fear someone will leave, someone will fail, etc. we just needed to approach all this differently,certainly more vocally and honest vs holding back. we both had walls up on about certain things, even after all this time.

[This message edited by lifestoshort at 10:20 PM, April 8th (Thursday)]

The OW still works with him. That is strike 1.

The OW comes to where he is staying. Strike 2.

He has not committed to you clearly and definitively. Strike 3.

I hope his words MATCH his actions. I would still be very cautious.

The two of you weren't together when this girl had sex with him.

I don't see why she should quit her job. She didn't do anything wrong.

Why doesn't he find another job?