FWIW, at the time I read "State of Affairs" I was desperately desiring R and not D.
Hated the book when I read it - guess I could say my gut was SCREAMING that it was bullshite.
Today, I have much more empathy for my WH, but still think Perel is a wayward apologist and would never recommend anything she's done to any new BS. The last few posts from CT, ThisIsSoFine, DevDee and M1965 pretty well sum it up, with a particular shout out to CT for this:
Perel's stance isn't even, "hate the sin and love the sinner". Her view is more like, "the sin is natural and maybe you deserved it".
One thing that I always thought about (and I know is controversial - including on SI) is would Perel have the same stance if she were talking about sex absent INFORMED consent (aka rape or sexual assault)? If my spouse had sex with me while I was passed out, would that be oK? BC I honestly don't see the difference when it comes to sex with the BS while a PA is ongoing and I am unable to provide informed consent. Many BS get STDs from their WS's antics - but maybe that's just some the defiant exuberance speaking....
Or how about the drunk driver (perhaps a better example) that did not INTEND to drive the wrong way and hit/kill a family with their car... I'm quite confident that driver had all kinds of "reasons" for the bad choices/behavior - which are mostly irrelevant to the bereaved survivors.
Put bluntly, infidelity can have very real and horrific consequences - to everyone (including the WS, the kids, extended family, etc.), that Perel simply ignores. If I'd been told before dday that I could get PTSD from this shitshow, I'd have laughed my arse off and called those who believed that emotional fools. Not so much any more :) And I'd bet that if my WH had been told that discovery of his extramarital activities would end up with him putting a rope around his neck, he'd have had a similar disdain (and -again- probably not so much anymore). Let's not forget that I'm not the only BS on SI with these suicidal experiences.
Ignoring those consequences, like PTSD, does not make any of it magically go away. FWIW, the hard work of addressing my own trauma led me to be a more empathetic person (generally AND WRT my WH - tho my WH appears to be absolutely incapable of finding empathy for anyone other than himself - another COMMON problem with waywards that Perel appears to think is irrelevant - feeling alive is great, but feeling alive w/o any empathy for those who may be paying a price FAR worse than anything that caused the WS to cheat to begin with.... really? )
I read it at a time I wanted R (probably even posted in R). Things just didn't turn out like that for me... all the whys in the world don't amount to a hill of beans with a spouse who can't find honesty or empathy (which IMO Perel's glossing over exacerbates) ... as another poster said, one cannot change what one cannot face or admit or manage to CHANGE.
ETA: I also don't give a damn about the "social constructs" of monogamy. I have no issue with polyamory (and before I met my WH, had a long term relationship that began w/o monogamy, which was all fine til my SO discovered I took it at face value... guess it was OK for him, but not for me, so I stopped seeing others and engaged in monogamy bc it's what he wanted and I wanted the relationship). I've known a ton of folks with "open" marriages (the 1st one I knew of was my BFF in my tween/teen years). FWIW, I can't think of a single one of those Ms that survived longer than 10-15 years. IMO, monogamy is a negotiated part of any relationship (and one that was VERY specifically addressed and negotiated when my WH had is FIRST A, of the ONS variety). If one wants it and the other doesn't, maybe it's not a good fit. If either of my kids wanted a poly/non monogamous M, I'd be all for them and very supportive.
As we say all the time - it's not so much the sex/A that kills the M.... it's the LIES (which Perel doesn't seem to be interested in talking about).
[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:07 PM, November 22nd, 2021 (Monday)]