SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have you played it out to the end?

Let’s say you inform the AP.

Let’s say you do it in a respectful / controlled way.

Let’s even say that he is sincerely surprised and breaks it off with her.

Let’s say that she focuses again on you.

I’d say in your mind that is the outcome you seem to be wanting.

But is that really what you want?

Do you want her to come back to you because he’s no longer there?

Do you want her to come back to you as a back-up plan until she finds someone new?

And when you find out that she has found someone new, do you then need to sabotage THAT relationship also, in the hopes that she comes back to who (you think) she really is?

I am not judging… I am just suggesting that you look at it from every direction.

Also, I am offering the possibility that perhaps who your wife is now, IS who she really is. And perhaps the woman that she has been with you has not been her true self.

Only you know. Just be certain that you are aware of the pitfalls if you choose to try to arrange the situation so that she is more or less left with you as a final option.

And I also agree with another poster who said that your child probably knows more than you think.

I just want to say for clarification purposes that I thought for quite some time that my children had no knowledge of what my husband did. I was wrong.

Your strategy is to knock out plan A so you win be default. This is a bad strategy, you are trying to push a rope, it doesn't work. You should dig into this guy a little and see if he is married or living with a SO. If you find someone, inform them and move on, he's not your problem, your WW is.

Until you put your foot down and set her free she will always have a backup plan.

If the AP doesn’t already know, it’s probably because he doesn’t really care. With that said, I don’t see a problem with informing him EXCEPT, for your motivation and rationale for doing so.

I do believe the person I married is still in there

Yes, the person you married is in there alright, she always has been, and you’re just now getting to know her. The person you thought you married, is in your mind.

If you don’t like what you’re seeing, what she’s showing you, don’t try and change her. Don’t try and manipulate her or the AP or the circumstances for which their relationship exists except, EXCEPT for your role in it.

Every day that you fail to remove yourself from this situation, you’re passively participating in it.

This is a heartbreaking situation that you have portrayed to us. You deserve so much better. I don’t know if it’s fear or a lack of self regard or unconditional love, but you can’t continue on like this.

As another poster advised, try and tap into your good Fatherly instincts and extricate your child from this toxic environment before they get any older, more aware and less resilient. This is not an ideal nurturing environment to raise a child. Give your kid at least one happy, thriving mentally healthy parent. Kids can see right through zombie marriages and will be adversely affected by them no matter how well you play house.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 3:46 AM, Tuesday, June 27th]

Mr. Lost

Having lived in a house with alley-cat parents when I was WAY under 10 years old - I knew something was wrong and that it involved others.

Unless your daughter is dumb as rock - she KNOWS something is wrong. Note that I am a "Mars" and supposedly us Mars types are less intuitive emotionally and psychologically. DD is growing up in a dysfunctional house. Bad example you are showing her.

My impression of your posted info is you are OK being "Plan B" for a long time. And you do not feel disrespected by your WW. ??!!

People have provided their insight - the rest of what to do with your situation is work you will do - one way or another.

Your plan should be:

1. Prepare to D. Get a lawyer. Get your proof. Pull the trigger.

2. Tell the AP.

3. Tell your cheating wife that you told the AP AND you have filed for D.

4. Start the hard 180.

5. Stop paying your wife’s credit card bills and giving her $ to cheat on you. Pay your living expenses to keep your credit in good shape. Cancel joint credit cards. Keep your paycheck in a different account she doesn’t have access to.

6. Get yourself a good counselor to support you during the D.

I always hope for R but your wife has put you in a position of being her plan B/safety net. You have watched her restart her A more than once.

Now as you file for D she may panic and start the love bombing and swearing "it was nothing". Be sure to tell her you saw her texts and sadly it was not "Just nothing". Stand your ground!!!!!

If you cave now she will always walk all over you. If she really wants to R you will see immediate changes that she should start doing on her own.

If she does nothing then you know the D is your only option. If she blames you for the affair then you know you need to run down the D path. If she doesn’t lift a finger — you know you made the right decision.

We were 30 seconds from being D. My H had to work his butt off for a year to get me to Reconcile. He too went back to the OW during his affair.

Difference is now I have more power in the marriage than I did prior to the affair. Because I stopped being a doormat and allowing him to lie and cheat.

^^^^ what she said, her recommended list, that is.

The1stWife has given you a solid blueprint. Follow it to the letter.

Wow…

OK – I’m going to suggest something that I personally would not want.
But it does sound like your most important factor is remaining married, no matter what.

It’s clear the OM simply wants a booty-call. I seriously doubt that she’s been able to convince him that she’s not married – but possibly that she’s divorcing…
Has she spent the whole night with him at his house?
Has he ever come over to her house (after all – if he thinks you two are divorced then that should be fine)?
Guess not… he KNOWS she’s still married.
I’m guessing the first break-up was because he wanted her to divorce or realized she was lying.
She asked for a divorce, but has she filed? They don’t come gift-wrapped and you get one – not ask for one or order online. Her actions are not in accordance with her words…

So maybe just let her have her affair(s)?

Statistics indicate affairs seldom last more than a year. This OM will tire of her and move on. She will constantly come home and all you have to do is get a message across to do safe-sex, shower afterwards and maybe be discreet so you can hide behind believing her when she says she’s out with Flo and Maude.

Doesn’t sound so great, but this is what a lot of couples do. Maybe more women than men that know their husband has a mistress or sees hookers or whatever.
Not something I would want, but if your fear of divorce and acceptance of being the temporary back-up plan overpowers everything else it might be the path that allows you to remain "married".

Other than that – All I would amend to 1stWife post is that the only proof you need is enough to convince yourself – unless infidelity impacts a divorce.

I can more-or-less guarantee one thing: A firm stance refusing to share your wife is about 100000 times more likely to get her back than trying to warn all lovers and potential lovers of her marital status.

I can more-or-less guarantee one thing: A firm stance refusing to share your wife is about 100000 times more likely to get her back than trying to warn all lovers and potential lovers of her marital status.

This. If it doesn't work and you end up divorced, it would have happened eventually anyway. It's better to eject now than five years from now when she finds a Plan A that works for her and she's spent those five years twisting the knife she stuck in your back.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:59 AM, Wednesday, June 28th]

, I still believe my W is in there somewhere,

Of course she is in there, she never went away because this is who she is.

We are who we are. You want to believe you won the prize of the superior version she presented, but there are no absolutes. You can be an outwardly nice but sh*tty person inside as well.

What's worse is this version doesn't care and would leave you if the pieces fell in place, so the question is, why you would repeatedly allow this man to repeatedly be with your wife and you haven't had a single chat with him?

Also get tested for STDs. It's a cold world out there.

How dumb could he be? All this time and he's never been to her house and he suspects nothing?

I wouldn't tell him anything bc she'll be able to lie to him to cover her ass and he will buy it.

.

[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 7:39 PM, Wednesday, June 28th]

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[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 7:29 PM, Wednesday, June 28th]

LostATX, read part of my story.

Married for 23 years. Many arguments I am also evasive and sometimes aggressive, irresponsible (subjective) ... WW demanded MC, with ultimatum D, I accepted. We started at the end of 2017. She left MC at Easter 2019 (-" there are no changes in H/M..."), I continued alone, 2 more months. At the end of 2019 she started a kind of discontinuous EA, installed Tinder, etc...

Moral: whatever you do, the A is exclusively the responsibility of WS.

Until you're clear on that, I'd just mentally walk away,180 your way.

You have a marriage contract. She has broken it unilaterally and secretly. Betrayal.

PS, forget about OM. That's not the problem.

*In confrontation,you must demand Closing and NC with OM (proven! be careful that WS deceive, I tell you from experience)

[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 7:41 PM, Wednesday, June 28th]

LostATX: Your WW sounds a lot like my WW. She and BF #1 would get together, have a fling for while, then take a break. WW would initiate contact, another fling would start up, then they would take a break. Repeat, repeat, repeat, for about 28 years. If she wasn’t active with him, then it was another, and another, …. There seems to be something terribly wrong with your WW’s morals, ethics, and boundaries. Even if this guy goes away, I will bet you new house slippers she’ll be looking for another BF in no time, telling him the same lies but be better at it since she’ll be experienced.

Take The1stWife’s suggestion and get ready to move on. The wife you think is "still in there" was a façade. What you are seeing now is the real woman that is your wife. In digging, I found out my WW had been in bed with a married man before we started dating, so this mindset of cheating and breaching the marital boundaries was not new to my WW – she brought that into the marriage and considered it an acceptable way of life. Does this sound like your WW?

Don’t renew the lease. Find a new place for you and your daughter, some place where the WW is not on the lease.

***Update***

So, I did it. Would not recommend. Get your popcorn ready. I welcome any insight into the aftermath.

As I stated before I wanted to confront the AP in public for both our safety. Probably should have just done a phone call, text, or long email but oh well. Drove by the gym I knew AP attended on July 4, his car was there. Waited about 15min until he came out. Gave him the info, informed him WW and I were still married, still lived together, had not started the divorce process at all, that she was lying to him just as much as me. Let him know I meant him no harm, held him completely blameless in all this as he was unaware. Clearly the confrontation scared the shit out of this guy though, he wanted to get out of there ASAP. I got in my car and my WW called within 3 minutes, so yes he contacted her immediately.

As you can imagine she had an absolute meltdown. I came home to her both raging and in tears/sadness. I voice recorded on my phone in case of any violence on her part or false domestic accusations. She repeated "how could you do this to me." "what were you thinking" over and over. She said the AP was so scared he might go to HR and get her fired. She forced me under threat of a hostile D (taking our DD) to write AP an apology note, where I had to emphasize that I would never contact him again (I wasn't anyway) and that I said things that were not true when we spoke. DD comes first so I wrote the note.

The fallout has been quite severe. WW basically thinks of me as a "stalker" (I can see where she's coming from there). She says this has likely completely broken our relationship, potential future friendship, and ability to co-parent. She also claimed that although she never told me, there was some chance we could R/"work it out" when her A "fizzled out" as she put it. She's now ready to get the D process started, wants to tell DD soon, and wants to move out into a temp apartment for the remainder of our lease. She says this has completely destroyed her mental health, ability to go into office (AP is co-worker), several work friendships. She thinks of it as losing her two best friends (him and me).

As far as I can tell and from what she's stated, the AP is completely done with her, doesn't even want to be "friends." Will that last, who knows? I do know she has told everyone who is aware of the situation that I have now moved out (I haven't) and we've started the D (not yet). In general our interactions have been limited and terse. She's mostly laying around in a kind of fugue state. At least once daily she's asked me why I did it, or how I knew such and such info. I've remained mostly closed off, but apologetic as to how this has affected her mental health and the damage it has done to our still existing friendship.

She has already relented somewhat on the hostile D. We will likely be doing mediation, with me getting full custody, etc. And that's where it all stands as of now.

Anyone please feel free to chime in. Congratulate me, chastise me, tell me how foolish the face to face aspect was or the note writing, or give me a big "I told you so" about how no good would come of it. At least it's all done.

I guess my only real specific question is do yall think she'll "snap out of it?" Once the dopamine withdrawal/limerance addiction fades. Is what I did a somewhat equivalent to a 180 or at least a wake-up call?

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, stop owning her shit! Stop playing her games! I'm sorry that I'm yelling at you, but Argh!

You did not do this to her. SHE did this to her. SHE destroyed her mental health. SHE jeopardized her job and friendships. SHE lied and played you both, and now she's playing the victim? Fuck a bunch of that.

or give me a big "I told you so" about how no good would come of it.

A lot of good came from it, and then you negated it by writing the note telling the AP that you had lied. If your W starts up with the custody threats again, get it on tape. In Texas, only one party has to know that the conversation is being recorded. I don't know if it'll help you if things get ugly, but it's not illegal to record her.

Is what I did a somewhat equivalent to a 180 or at least a wake-up call?

You woke her up, alright, but you did the opposite of the 180. You played her games. 180 means that you do you and stop worrying about her. If you try the 180 without being fully invested in detaching unless/until she starts behaving correctly, you're just playing games. Games suck. They aren't conducive to your healing, whether you stay together or split. I think you need to read Understanding the 180 again. And then click through on the link in the article.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/

At least once daily she's asked me why I did it, or how I knew such and such info.

Never, ever reveal your sources. And you did it because you're not going to live in infidelity. Tell her go ahead and move out. You'll help her pack.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:17 PM, Monday, July 10th]

I can’t believe that you wrote the man who is fucking your wife an apology note.

Before you do anything that stupid again out of fear, please see a lawyer. First, you did the right thing by telling him; you had nothing for which you needed to apologize. Second, if your wife is accusing you of being a crazed stalker that letter could be used against you if she wants to smear or discredit you in the future. Third, your wife cannot just take your kid away from you; you have something called PARENTAL RIGHTS.

As for whether there’s a chance your wife will come to her senses, no. Even if OM dumps her, she doesn’t love you and, more importantly, she doesn’t respect you.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:19 PM, Monday, July 10th]

She made you write apology letter for her AP?? That's a cruel and insulting to uou. I don't why you still want her after this. Destroy that stupid apology letter ASAP.

You said you were recording the conversation with your wife that you had after informing AP. Your wife threatened you of hostile D and taking away your DD ( which she can't do that) during that conversation. If everything was being recorded then why in the world you wrote apology letter?? She threatened you and it has been recorded which can come in handy during divorce proceedings.

Why are you apologetic for consequences of her actions?? Whatever mental health crisis she is going through, it's her own doing. Don't take the blame on you. She destroyed your marriage and now she is gaslighting you with lies like 'there was chance of R','We could have been friends' etc.. all of that is bs.

Stop playing pick me dance. Stop letting her gaslight you. Go with divorce proceedings. She is toxic and hostile. She is not safe for you. She is not safe for your DD. She already told your actions will affect Co-parenting. That means she won't let you be a good parent to your DD. I would advise you to try for your DD's sole custody. Your wife is unstable and very hostile. Not safe to your daughter too.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 8:21 PM, Monday, July 10th]

So, I did it. Would not recommend. Get your popcorn ready. I welcome any insight into the aftermath.

As I stated before I wanted to confront the AP in public for both our safety. Probably should have just done a phone call, text, or long email but oh well. Drove by the gym I knew AP attended on July 4, his car was there. Waited about 15min until he came out. Gave him the info, informed him WW and I were still married, still lived together, had not started the divorce process at all, that she was lying to him just as much as me. Let him know I meant him no harm, held him completely blameless in all this as he was unaware. Clearly the confrontation scared the shit out of this guy though, he wanted to get out of there ASAP. I got in my car and my WW called within 3 minutes, so yes he contacted her immediately.

As you can imagine she had an absolute meltdown. I came home to her both raging and in tears/sadness. I voice recorded on my phone in case of any violence on her part or false domestic accusations. She repeated "how could you do this to me." "what were you thinking" over and over. She said the AP was so scared he might go to HR and get her fired. She forced me under threat of a hostile D (taking our DD) to write AP an apology note, where I had to emphasize that I would never contact him again (I wasn't anyway) and that I said things that were not true when we spoke. DD comes first so I wrote the note.

The fallout has been quite severe. WW basically thinks of me as a "stalker" (I can see where she's coming from there). She says this has likely completely broken our relationship, potential future friendship, and ability to co-parent. She also claimed that although she never told me, there was some chance we could R/"work it out" when her A "fizzled out" as she put it. She's now ready to get the D process started, wants to tell DD soon, and wants to move out into a temp apartment for the remainder of our lease. She says this has completely destroyed her mental health, ability to go into office (AP is co-worker), several work friendships. She thinks of it as losing her two best friends (him and me).

As far as I can tell and from what she's stated, the AP is completely done with her, doesn't even want to be "friends." Will that last, who knows? I do know she has told everyone who is aware of the situation that I have now moved out (I haven't) and we've started the D (not yet). In general our interactions have been limited and terse. She's mostly laying around in a kind of fugue state. At least once daily she's asked me why I did it, or how I knew such and such info. I've remained mostly closed off, but apologetic as to how this has affected her mental health and the damage it has done to our still existing friendship.

She has already relented somewhat on the hostile D. We will likely be doing mediation, with me getting full custody, etc. And that's where it all stands as of now.

Anyone please feel free to chime in. Congratulate me, chastise me, tell me how foolish the face to face aspect was or the note writing, or give me a big "I told you so" about how no good would come of it. At least it's all done.

I guess my only real specific question is do yall think she'll "snap out of it?" Once the dopamine withdrawal/limerance addiction fades. Is what I did a somewhat equivalent to a 180 or at least a wake-up call?

I'm sorry to hear that it went so poorly brother, but I also cannot say that you were not warned against it. One of the things that boils my blood is how she coerced you into writing her AP an apology letter after you simply confronted him with the truth about your marriage. I don't know if you had consulted with a D attorney beforehand or if in the heat of the moment it slipped your mind, but most of them will tell you that with some pretty rare circumstances, custody is split 50/50, so your wife's threat was simply used to manipulate you into apologizing to the boyfriend that you just burned.

Your WW's reaction to all this told you just about everything you needed to know. The first being that she was still in contact with him. If she was truly wanting to fix things between you, she would've been NC and had no idea that you told her AP, but instead she revealed that until this moment the lines of communication have been wide open, in other wards, she is still active in her affair.

The fact that she is asking you "why did you do it?" and "how did you have XYZ info?" shows just how far up her ass that her head is in all of this. While she is stuck in the affair fog or "fugue state" as you put it, file for divorce, actually boot her out or move yourself out (with preference that it is the cheater is the one who should have to leave the marital home) and do not look back. Your wife cheats on you, you confront her boyfriend and she flips holy shit on....you....that is not any kind of partner I would want any part of in my life and frankly you shouldn't either. As I said in my original post to you, your wife does not give you much if anything to work with here and she hasn't given you diddly-squat to work with. She doesn't even seem to care how much damage she did to you, it is all about her. You know what is truly best for your DD? A stable parent who won't put up with the continued abuse from their non-sane, completely irrational parent, which at the moment is your WW. So, with that, I'm sorry to say that you have to be the adult in the room here and move to end the marriage, as your WW is clearly not going to do it. Also, don't worry about what she has or hasn't told everyone about your marriage, those of you who are truly your friends and close to you will know the truth as they get it from you and that is all that matters. She is only blabbing now because she got caught and going on a sympathy tour about why it was okay for her to get some strange D while ostensibly being married to you.