SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh, Lp! It is not stupid at all that you turned to him for support. It's all on him that he continued to be cruel.

Your children need you now more than ever. We're all pulling for you. Do what you need to do to get healthy.

AWWW LP,

I feel for you I really do, I know you want him to pick you up & dust you off, tell you its all going to be ok, give you the promises you so desperately want & need, but in all honesty I just don't see him doing this for you, I also think you know it too

You have to do this yourself, for you & your kids, they need you to show them how strong you are, how capable you are of taking care of yourself & them,

My kids are much older so my situation was slightly different as you know, however the end result was still the same, not only could I not look in the mirror without feeling like shit (bc of what I had put up with for far to long) but I also couldn't look them in the eye without feeling like a shitty mum/person,

I wanted/want my boys to be respectful of their partners...but I couldn't walk away from a man that didn't respect me??

I wanted/want my daughter to settle for nothing short of her dreams...but I couldn't walk away from a man that destroyed all of my dreams??

Thats when I decided I HAD to change MY life, I NEED to look into my kids eyes & know I'm making the best choices for me, I need them to see I'm an FFFING bad ass mother/nanny that will stop at nothing to get out of infidelity, being abused, or being manipulated,

I NEEDED/NEED them to see how strong I am.

I have found my strength & SO will YOU

You CAN do this,

You know YOU can

WE KNOW YOU CAN!!!!

We may be on opposite sides of the world, we may not be,

but believe me we're all here for you, right by your side,

((((HUGS LP))))

always here for you lovie xx

Lp! Where are you?? I see you have not posted in any forum for about ten days or so, and I checked tonight and you have not opened the PM I sent you over a week ago.

ARE YOU OK???

Hey everyone, I'm alive and well, just have been busy and dealing with a lot of bullshit. So here's my update in a nutshell:

- he had a month long emotional affair with an ex girlfriend who is married and lives in another state.

- he admitted he told her he loved her (I didn't know this part) but said he was lying and just saying what she wanted to hear so she would give him the attention he wanted.

- he hasn't talked to her since the end of April.

- I kicked him out and he's been staying at his parents house for a couple of weeks. Last night was the first night he stayed at home, because I agreed to hear him out. This was when I revealed that i knew her identity (I figured it out on my own).

- I told him last night without warning that he had to message her right there on the spot telling her to never ever contact him again, that he doesn't give a shit about her, had no intentions of being with her, and that he lied to her about everything. He sent her the message right then in front of me and then I had him immediately block her as soon as she saw it.

- I was also going to make him tell her husband, and he was about to do it, but then I changed my mind because her husband knows a lot of our mutual friends, and at this point I don't want them all knowing our business because I'm embarrassed enough. I may make him tell her husband later, but right now I don't feel like dealing with all that drama.

- He is deleting all of his social media and has started individual therapy as well.

- He said if I still decide to divorce him, he will move out and give me the house. I'm not promising R and he knows D is still very much on the table.

- I saw this morning his AP has deleted her Facebook account, so looks like she's panicking and trying to do damage control.

I'm actually doing very well overall considering all the crap I'm dealing with. I feel a lot better than I did before. I'm going to make him continue staying at his parents house for now (he's still paying the rent and bills) until I know if I want R or D. For now I'm going to continue the 180 and just observe him to see what he does. I don't know if I can ever get over him saying he loved her, even though I actually believe him that he didn't mean it. He's saying he has no feelings for her whatsoever, that he's never loved anyone the way he loves me, and that he'll do anything I want him to do in order to fix it. He knows he's got issues with needing attention/validation but still swears he hasn't physically cheated. I mostly believe him on that as well since I've done so much investigating. I've literally checked his Google location history (unbeknownst to him) for the entirety of our relationship and he's always either at work or at home, and occasionally at his best friends or parents houses. Cheating at work would be impossible since he's on job sites with only men all day.

But even if he does everything I ask, I don't know if I can ever move past it all. Right now I just need room to breathe and figure out what I want. I have so much anger towards him that I don't know if I even love him anymore. I'd love to completely blow up his AP's life but I just don't even feel ready to deal with the fallout. As much as I want to drive to Ohio and just beat the living shit out of her, I know it's just misdirected anger and that it's really him who I want to suffer. I can be very hot headed and I need to be calm, cool, and collected in order to make the right decision for myself and our children.

Hey there LP!

Hi LP! So glad you came back to let us know.

Is he in IC? He really needs it. He cannot be a safe partner until he really understands why he made the choice to say all those things to the ex-gf while with you.

And what about the slap? For awhile, that was your deal-breaker, but now R seems to be an option if not likely. What is your thinking on that now?

He hit you. What is he doing to work on that?

She deleted her Facebook? Or she blocked you?

She actually deleted/ deactivated it. At first I thought she just blocked me, but then I had a couple of my friends look and they couldn't find her either. So it looks like she's freaking out and trying to do damage control. Her husband's Facebook is still active though, and at any time I can have my husband tell him or even tell him myself. I'm certain at this point that my WH doesn't care about protecting her.

He is going to IC starting this week but it's going to be over the phone and I'd rather him switch to seeing someone in person. What are your suggestions for that? Should I be involved in picking out a therapist? Should I tell them my side of the story before he starts? Should I ask for progress updates from the therapist? I want to make sure they are holding him accountable and not letting him push blame onto me or the marriage. Once he's made sufficient progress in IC, I then want to go to marriage counseling. I'm still leaning towards D but I'll consider R if he really proves himself.

The slap felt like a deal breaker at first, but at this point I think forgiveness could be possible if he proves he's truly changing to be a better man. Right now, I'm more upset about the most recent discovery. I don't know if I can ever get over him saying he loved her. I guess it's good he was honest and told me about it, but now I don't know if I can ever forgive him for it. I really don't think he loves her though because he didn't even give a second thought to blowing up her life and telling her he doesn't give a crap about her. It was me who said not to tell her husband. I'm still on the fence about telling him, but at this point I'm not ready to deal with all the drama that would start.

I also told him he needs to prove he loves me. He asked what he can do and I told him just figure it out. But should I give him any suggestions? I honestly don't know what he could do that would make me feel better so was hoping you guys might have some ideas of things that helped when trying to recover from an affair. Neither of us are really "romantic" types and we both primarily show love through physical affection, but right now I don't want to be intimate with him.

He needs to drive his own bus in IC and in making amends to you.

So he needs to find his OWN -- effective -- counselor and go every week and share insights with you as appropriate. You can tell him that you will be observing to see how devotedly he jumps into this, as it is the only thing that can truly change him from an affair-stalking dummy-slapper into someone safe to share your life with.

Has anyone mentioned Linda MacDonald's book: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair?" I recommend it all the time because it is short and straightforward. And it give BSs a template for what to look for - read it and mark it up and give it to WH. Tell him he has 48 hours to read it and come talk to you. And then back off and let him drive the bus of his recovery and see where it goes....

[This message edited by Odonna at 4:33 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

I agree with Odonna. And yes, after the book requirement, you should take a big step back.

For someone considering D, you're all too ready to do his work in R for him and that's one of the worst possible things that you could do at this stage. He's an adult and he can find his own counselor. You made your preference clear and now it's up to him to choose.

If you jump right in and do everything for him, it sets the precedence that it's your job now to help him get through this and change his ways. And if it all falls apart because he's not doing the work to change, guess whose fault it gets to be as the official R leader? Don't do this to yourself.

I'd also like to caution you to keep your eyes open. You've seen a few positive actions but the vast majority of what you're working with right now are pretty words and promises from a man who was lying and cheating on you as little as weeks ago. All the more reason to take a big step back and just watch him and what he chooses to do for a while.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 6:02 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

I believe that EAs are extremely rare. Why do you believe he was only in an EA?

Thanks so much for the responses everyone, you guys are absolutely right that I need to take a huge step back and let him take the lead on this. That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Wool94, I'm certain that he never met up with this AP because she lives a couple of states away (about an 8 hour drive) so it would've been very difficult for them to arrange that. Also, I'm tracking his whereabouts at all times (he has no idea I'm doing this) and he hasn't been anywhere he's not supposed to be. If she had been closer by, I fully believe it would've gotten physical. Although I believe that he doesn't actually have feelings for her, he's clearly physically attracted to her and would've at least had sex with her even if he didn't plan to leave me for her.

We had a really long emotional talk last night and I believe he was being honest with me. He admitted he's got issues with needing constant attention and said that when he's not getting positive attention, he feels worthless. I know this stems from his childhood, the same way my issues do. He admitted he asked her for sexual pictures (apparently she refused) and that he pretended to have feelings for her in order to convince her to give him the attention he craves. I got really angry when he said this and told him I should go and fuck his AP's husband to teach them both a lesson. I told him to imagine me with her husband and see how it feels, because that's the torture I'm going through. He begged me not to do that. I asked him what he told her to justify the cheating, and he said he told her that he thought we were heading for divorce, but swears he didn't say any bad things about me. He cried (which he never does) while telling me he is so ashamed of himself and that he loves me so much and will do anything to fix the damage he's caused. He said I've been good to him and don't deserve any of this. I admitted to him that I thought about getting revenge but ultimately decided it would only hurt me more, not make me feel better. He said he's been terrified I'll cheat too and that he would fall apart imagining me with someone else. He knows he deserves it though, and said he's so relieved that I decided not to get revenge. He knows the ball is fully in his court now and he needs to prove himself. He once again reiterated that even if I divorce him, he'll still pay for the house and will make sure me and the kids are taken care of. There was a lot more that was said, too much to write here, but I felt it was the first time we've really been fully honest with each other about our issues.

Odonna, I actually ordered that book and it's supposed to arrive today. I told him about it and he promises to read it as quickly as possible. I think it will be perfect since it's not too long and seems fairly straightforward.

At this point, I'm not getting my hopes up because I know he could just let me down again. Today I'm feeling really depressed and anxious, like a bottomless pit desperate for love and reassurance. I can't focus at work. I want to call WH but I know he's busy at work. I love him so much and it fucking kills me thinking of him wanting someone else. I told him last night I'm too jealous and spiteful to handle shit like this. The only thing I'm holding onto is that he didn't actually fuck anyone else. He knows if he did that, there'd be no coming back from it and I'd never even be able to look at him again. I truly don't know how anyone gets over the physical aspect... I see people on here talking about mind movies, and that would drive me insane with jealousy. It's bad enough knowing they were having intimate conversations... if I had to imagine them touching and kissing and holding each other, I'd be destroyed. I still don't know if I'll ever be able to get past this, even if he does everything he says he's going to.

Just know that we're all pulling for you and in no way did I mean to say that an EA isn't just as bad as a full out PA.

LP

You also need to deal with the other elephant in the room; what is he doing to insure your safety when he's feeling out of sorts or a lack of control over you in the future.

What is he doing to master his emotions and his outbursts?

He needs to realize that is normally relationship-ending behavior and could end his life as he knows it, should he lose control ever again, or escalate by raising his voice.

He needs to demonstrate he's a new man, and that the old man has been done away with through therapy, emotional mastery practice and other ways of handling stress.

Be careful LP. Your WH sounds like he's in CYA mode. They will cry, beg, plead, humble themselves, etc. just to get you to get off their back. They will tell you just enough information to have you think you now have insight. They will admit to just enough to try to get you to "understand" [aka back off]. This is sounding like what he may be doing.

My spidy sense is tingling on overtime with his behavior.

I would also expose their affair. Share with OBS all the proof you have of the affair and let him know you were slapped in a post A discussion/argument. Do NOT give hint to WH that you are doing this. He will convince you not to AND inform AP so she can be prepared to either intercept the communication or prepare OBS and paint you a lying wackadoodle.

That being said - be prepared to 911 when your WH reacts. Because, I'm sorry to say, he will. And I fear it won't be pretty.

Hang tough LP. We are all in your corner. You are not alone.

Hi Lp0725:

Thanks for the update. It seems like your WH is taking baby steps. He is no longer holding the house over your head. Good. But as others have said: be vigilant. He needs to follow through. He has put you through a lot.

I agree with the comment that he needs help to learn how to control his emotions. Perhaps an anger management course. It is going to hard for him to overcome his need for attention and validation. I can tell you with kids, as a parent your needs for attention take a backseat to your family. Just something to consider.

Good luck. I am pulling for you.

I appreciate you guys driving home that I need to be wary and cautious. It's hard to see things objectively, and it's important that I don't let him lull me into a false sense of security. He obviously hasn't transformed into a new person overnight, so I need to be very careful. I was hoping that he could address his emotional/anger issues in IC, but maybe a separate anger management course is necessary. He does have very limited free time though so I'd rather him address all his issues in IC if possible. I also think some of his issues with anger/ irritability stem from anxiety, so I'm hoping medication will help as well. I know the prozac has helped me a lot with self control, so I'm hoping meds might help him as well.

Wool94, for me personally an EA is not as bad as a PA. Worst case scenario for me would be a PA/EA combo. The only reason I'm considering R is because I'm fairly certain he didn't get that far with it.

If I find out anything physical happened, we are divorcing for sure.

Chaos, I'm still considering telling OBS but right now I'm just not ready to deal with everyone we know knowing about what he did. OBS knows a lot of our mutual friends and the story would spread like wildfire. Also, I don't have any actual proof because the evidence I found was recordings from his Google voice data and so I have no evidence it was her. I only know it was her from things my WH told me (I was able to figure it out from certain clues). My WH will tell her husband himself if I tell him to, but I'm not going to do that unless he fails to prove he's truly remorseful and serious about changing. OBS is well aware that his wife is a whore. She's cheated before. And honestly, I'm putting myself and my own needs first. I do feel the guy has a right to know, but at this time I'm acting out of self preservation. I've got enough crap to deal with as it is and right now I can't handle anything else or I'm gonna have a complete nervous breakdown.