SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So last night I don't know what got into me, but I had just been holding everything in for so long that I just lost control and let it out. He did something stupid that pissed me off, I can't even remember now what it was, but he was being rude to me and I just calmly told him I was done with all of it, that I think it's best we plan to go our separate ways and divorce, that I don't think I'll ever feel the same way about him again, none of my needs are met and I just can't go on like this anymore. He just sat there with this expression in his face that was sad and angry at the same time, but he didn't say anything. Then this morning he brought the baby in the bedroom and while he was laying on the bed he touched my back and asked me to please come here. I said no, and then his eyes were tearing up and he was saying please don't do this, he doesn't want to divorce. I told him he sure doesn't act like he wants to be married. I can see he's hoping it will all blow over, but I'm done hearing his apologies. He's being open with his phone and everything, but he still hasn't even scheduled an appointment with his doctor or a therapist. His words mean nothing to me. His actions are what matters, and he's just falling way short. He's made threats here and there in anger about leaving and not giving me money for the house, but then takes it back and apologizes. I'm pretty sure he's going to give me the money unless I throw him out. Since I'm in a community property state, there's not much I can do legally unless I get him to sign something agreeing the house will be mine. Unfortunately, I know he wouldn't sign that right now. Call me crazy, but I'm willing to gamble on it. I don't really have much to lose to be honest... worst case scenario is we sell it and I have to move, which I'd have to do anyway. I really don't think he'd make me leave though... I don't think he's pure evil, I think he's just messed up in the head. I think at the end of the day he'd want to make sure I have a nice home for our son. I do think he truly cares for my other 2 kids as well. I guess I'll find out soon enough :(

I think you are right to be done.

He just sat there with this expression in his face that was sad and angry at the same time, but he didn't say anything.

He should be way past being ANGRY at this point.

Then this morning he brought the baby in the bedroom and while he was laying on the bed he touched my back and asked me to please come here. I said no, and then his eyes were tearing up and he was saying please don't do this, he doesn't want to divorce.

Again, "don't do this" ignores his role in all this.

sorry been a while in replying to you, been a little hectic here with all my tribe & work.

go you, its actually nice to be in control again, even if it its only temporary for many different reasons, its good to be reminded of how it feels.

I dont know how long I will do this 180 for as I don't have a time frame to go by unlike you (your house situation) so I'll just take 1 day at a time here, it kinda feels like I'm already separated tbh.

I find it funny how we all hate bullies but put up with them in our personal lives for far to long

hold your head high & stay strong your doing great LP

His actions are what matters, and he's just falling way short.

Good for you for seeing the reality of your situation. If he does nothing there is a strong possibility that you will be in the same situation as you are now.

Also if he doesn’t get his own way he may get angry and vindictive. The money / home situation may not go according to your plan. Just an FYI to you.

I believe you gave him a written list of what you want to see from him? Just tell him it is not your job to nag him and babysit him in getting those things done. That is HIS work, but you will be watching, because what he does is going to show you what he really wants. Then leave the room. Never mention it again. And watch...

[This message edited by Odonna at 12:49 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

Just wanted to give you guys a quick update. Things are peaceful at the moment but I've been feeling pretty angry and resentful and I admit I've been lashing out at him quite a bit. I even threw a laundry hamper at him the one day when I was in the middle of screaming at him about everything he's done. I hate being angry but at the same time it feels good to get the rage out since I've been holding it all in. He has been arguing back a bit but mostly just sits there and takes it. He said he understands my anger and knows it's his fault. But he still is making excuses about being so busy at work that he hasn't had time to make appointments. I told him I'm done with the excuses and we're not going to stay together if he doesn't get help. I did screw up and have sex with him the other night. I know I shouldn't have done it but I had a weak moment and wanted to have some release. I really miss having a physical connection with him because normally we're quite affectionate with each other, but I know I need to stay strong and keep my boundaries drawn. Any tips to resist the temptation? I really enjoyed it of course and I have to admit I want to keep doing it. Sometimes I hate having a high sex drive :/

I've also still been tracking his location and have checked his phone several times. Nothing weird going on in that area. He has no clue I know where he is at all times, and I'm going to keep it that way. He says he'll hand his phone over any time I ask, but I still feel paranoid about it.

As for the house, it's looking like closing will need to be postponed because the landlord has still not even started all the repairs I need him to make before I buy. I don't really mind postponing because it gives me more time to get money, etc. together. WH has been putting his paychecks in the joint account so that's helping a lot. Once I have enough cash in there to feel secure, I'm going to tell him he needs to leave if he hasn't made progress with getting the help he needs. I'm done putting up with any sort of bullshit from him.

This site is what has given me strength and clarity to see through all of his nonsense. I could never thank you all enough for the affect you've had on my life. I've never felt so strong before. I'll never again accept shitty treatment from him. I love him but I love myself more. Honestly, even if he does all the things I've asked I may still decide to divorce. I'm putting myself and my kids first. I'm not afraid to be alone anymore. I'm nervous about providing for them financially but that's it. I know I'll make sure we're ok no matter what. I've always been a survivor and that won't change.

Your clarity and resolve are impressive! Just keep in mind that continuing to have sex with him may weaken both those things. I would recommend re-reading your entire threads to see where you were and how far you have come. If he presses for sex just tell him it was very nice but that you cannot do anything that will affect your clarity about holding him to your demand that he start IC and continue with the other prerequisites before R will be possible. And buy yourself a BOB to take care of yourself meanwhile.

Keep on posting to help others too! You offer good advice that you can reinforce for yourself!

Re-read the 180 and go back to it. He absolutely deserves you to yell and scream at him but you have to keep in mind that there are little kids in the house. They don't need to be in the same room as you to hear what's happening and feel stressed out by it. He may be taking it now but as you have seen before, that can all change at any moment and he can get physical again. This is about protecting you and the kids. You're much better off ignoring him until you get your ducks in a row.

As a random internet stranger, I'm so proud of you!!!

So, is he still on the couch?

Has he been tested for STDs? Have you seen the results from the doctor? Until you do,every time you have sex with him, you are putting yourself at risk.

Its so obvious that are you going to stay with this aggressive, dangerous control freak. He is a manipulative awful human being. Please respect yourself and LEAVE.

Everything you is "Im angry, Im going to do this, if he doesn't change". I am sorry to be blunt but he won't change. Maybe he changes for a few months, wins you over. He will still go back to old ways. This is very sad to see. You need to get rid of this person, it won't be easy but it has to happen.

Please, please, LEAVE.

Has he arranged for IC yet? That really is the litmus test, as change is very hard for such a self-centered person, if even possible at all.

Do you remain of the view that laying hands on you was a deal-breaker? Is there any recovery for that, and if so what has changed in your thinking?

Just thinking of you!

No, he has still not started IC. He does work a lot of hours but I already told him that's no excuse. At this point, I'm just sitting back and observing. My mortgage guy told me the underwriters said I needed to pay off a big chunk of my credit card debt for the approval to go through, so that has set me back significantly with the down payment since I've had to pay out a few grand for that. Closing will be getting postponed until July for that plus the landlord has a list of repairs he hasn't even started yet. The hope is that once my credit score goes up I'll be able to qualify for this down payment grant, but at this point I have no clue how much I'll actually need at closing. So unfortunately I'm still not in a good place financially where I can just tell him to leave. I also need him to pay the rent for June since closing was postponed.

He hasn't gone for STD testing and I haven't really pushed it a whole lot since I'm about 95% certain at this point that he hasn't physically cheated. Not because I trust what he says, but because I spent hours looking through his entire location history going back to last summer. I am still tracking him daily and I always know where he is. He has no clue I'm tracking him. The only place he goes regularly besides work and home is his parents house, and he's obviously not screwing anyone over there. For my own good though, I'm not having sex with him anymore and will be staying the course with the 180. I also don't want to lull him into a false sense of security.

As far as telling me "Just leave", how I wish it was that simple. I have NOWHERE to go. I have three young kids and no family or friends I can stay with or even turn to for financial assistance. I've been on my own since I was 17. Trust me, if I had somewhere to go I would've been gone already. I also don't see how it's obvious I'm staying with him. I've already made up my mind that once I have my ducks in a row I'll be divorcing him unless he puts solid, genuine effort into fixing himself. If he chooses not to, I'm completely fine with divorcing. Honestly, even if he does fix himself I still don't know if I could ever trust him again, and we may just divorce anyway.

Odonna, I honestly don't know if I could ever get over the slap... I guess part of me is still hoping he'll get it together so I don't have to raise all these kids on my own and struggle to make ends meet. I'm not scared to be single, but I am terrified of letting my kids down and not being able to provide for them. I think I could forgive him for it if he really truly put his heart and soul into fixing his issues. But at this point, he's not doing that and time is quickly running out.

"He hasn't gone for STD testing and I haven't really pushed it a whole lot since I'm about 95% certain at this point that he hasn't physically cheated. Not because I trust what he says, but because I spent hours looking through his entire location history going back to last summer. I am still tracking him daily and I always know where he is."

however, he should do it because you ASKED. Its not your job to prove his fidelity. It's his. please continue to seek resources to leave. If he's hit you, there are emergency funds in place for women to leave.

Invest in the Magic Wand ...I promise its the best thing to deter you from sleeping with him.

Hang in there, you're doing great.

Hi LP,

I have not seen hide or hair of you on SI for about a week now - are you OK?

Hey all, I'm still here but have just been lurking instead of posting. I had to take a bit of a step back because reading all the awful things happening to the poor BS's on here has me completely losing faith in humanity and my ability to ever trust anyone again. I truly don't understand how people can be so cruel and heartless... I know my WH is no prize at all but if he did some of the things I've read on here I don't think I could be strong enough to survive it. I think it's really making me feel my best course of action is just to be forever alone... at least then I won't get hurt again.

Things have been mostly quiet and peaceful at home. There really hasn't been much changes since my last post. He's being nice to me, telling me he loves me frequently, trying to go on dates with me, leaving his phone unlocked and telling me I can ask him for it whenever I want. He's also barely drinking anymore. I just can't open up to him. I haven't even discussed anything with him about how I feel. I haven't even asked for the phone. I just feel kind of... empty I guess. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. There are times I feel the hurt or anger bubble up, and he seems to be hyper aware of my emotional state. Even a fleeting expression on my face gets his attention very quickly and he starts asking if I'm ok and is anything wrong. I have been allowing him to sleep in bed for the past few days because the couch had his back in such bad shape he could barely move (his job is very physical) and the last thing we need right now is him losing his job.

I guess I just don't really know what I want at this point. I love him and wish everything could be fixed, but I don't think he's cut out to do the hard work on himself that I need him to. I think he's trying to show me he doesn't really need therapy to change... He hasn't come out and said that, but I feel he's afraid to face himself and admit his failings. I think he really does want to be the normal "family man" and I see now he truly doesn't want a divorce, but he's just not doing enough to make me want to stay together. I catch him staring at me all the time with this sadness in his eyes. He can feel the distance between us but neither of us have discussed it. I know it's not my responsibility to fix him though and I can't consider staying until he stops pretending he can fix himself.

Do you guys think it's a good idea to write him a letter just putting it all out there? Tell him how I truly feel about everything and write out what he would need to do for me to consider staying together? I don't think I've really been clear with him about it all and me not discussing it with him is making him feel I'm open to rug sweeping the whole thing. I really don't want to give him that impression. It's almost like I feel scared to just draw that really hard line because I don't want to be disappointed all over again. But at the same time, I don't want him thinking all is well until after I buy the house, and then I'm just kicking him out. I think if I made it absolutely clear the alternative is divorce, he would step up and do what he needs to prevent that happening. I just feel frustrated with myself. I feel like I've kind of been sticking my head in the sand and I don't want to do that. I'm just tired and overwhelmed with life and all the responsibility on my plate, and don't have the emotional energy right now to talk to him.

Lp, his actions are called "love bombing". You can tell because as you said, he's acting like the perfect husband but he's not actually doing anything to address the underlying issues that lead to the abuse. This is very common and it is normal for you to be confused and torn.

You can lay everything out in a letter and give it to him if that is what you want to do. If you think there is a chance that he will be receptive to it then take that chance. Be as specific as you can about behaviors you want to see and behaviors you don't want to see. Make your boundaries crystal clear and make an agreement with yourself how long he will have to do them. Don't tell him the deadline because then he might wait until the absolute last minute to step up and prevent a divorce that would be better for you rather than him proving to you that he can change.

If you are leading the parade then he’s a follower doing what you tell him. Is that okay for you? Or do you want to see his initiative and commitment coming from him?