SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do you have a doctor you can see? They may be able to proscribe something that will help you as you get through this.

Don't be hesitant about getting help when you need it.

I was put on the antidepressant Efexir when my father was dying and my daughter was diagnosed as diabetic. They helped in some areas, but screwed me up in other areas. When I came off it, I was sick for a week. Vertigo, nausea, etc. Don't want to go through that again if I can help it.

The cold war has been going on now for 3 weeks. Living in the same house like this with what's going on is brutal.

She called my phone twice this morning, I didn't answer. Then I found it it was because my daughter was sick at school. I went and picked her up (I'm off during the day, work nights).

I then get the text - "So fucked up. She's sick and you won't even answer my calls. So childish"

How do I know it's about one of the kids being sick?

This whole situation IS fucked up, I agree with her, and it's a situation SHE created. She keeps getting mad at me for the repercussions of what's going on. This is her science project, not mine.

Tired of this childish bullshit from both of us, especially with the kids. I wish it wasn't like this.

I then get the text - "So fucked up. She's sick and you won't even answer my calls. So childish"

How do I know it's about one of the kids being sick?

I'm so sorry JM - but she is the one who is behaving in a fucked up manner.

I'm glad that you can see that she is projecting her behaviour onto you.

She could have just as easily sent you a concise, polite text regarding your DD - enquiring as to whether you were able to pick her up from school.

Do you see protecting yourself and your children from your WW's wayward behaviours as childish?

There should be politeness on both sides - it is not a one-way street.

Stay strong for you and your children. You will survive this.

MOB

Sorry for all you're going through, JM. I agree that is childish..on your wife's part. She could just as easily sent you a text from the outset regarding DD.

Perhaps you can go to the school and have it noted on the emergency contact card/system that they should notify you first or concurrently, with your WW for any issues when DD is at school. It may help to go to the school and get to know the Administration as well as the admin assistants and school nurse.

Honestly, these are things you should know anyway, and especially if divorce is on the horizon. Knowing these things may be helpful in a custody situation. Hang in there!

There is no doubt this is fucked up. And the longer you remain in this mess it is only going to get worse. You need to tell her that you are 100% on board to divorce. And that you will answer her phone calls, BUT, the only conversations that will happen between you are about separating finances, divorce business, and the children. Then you return to answering her phone calls. If she calls you about anything other than what you laid out to her, then you politely say you need to go and hang up.

The 180 is designed to help you detach from her emotionally. But you will still need to have some contact while divorcing and separating finances. You also need to co-parent with her, so there needs to be a formal civility between you two to achieve this.

You need to stop worrying about her. She is not the woman you married, she has morphed into someone completely different. She is in fact, a total stranger that happens to look like your former wife. You need to worry about you and your kids, and look out for their welfare.

The 180 is not about snubbing her, or punishing her, or trying to get her back. The 180 is designed to help you detach from her emotionally so you can concentrate on you and your kids, and see her for who and what she really is. If she greets you, return the greeting. If she asks you a question, be pleasant and give her the shortest answer possible and move on. You DON'T engage in conversations about feeling with her, you don't talk about the good old days, you don't get lured into arguments. This way civility can be established while you emotionally detach and move on with your life. Stay strong, you can do this.

Must've cross posted with MOB but YES to everything MOB said!

I agree. If I have urgent issue with anyone friend or family -- I will call. Leave message and then follow up with txt message. She easily should of sent you a text.

Next, she is not communicating fairly. By saying "so childish" that is not going to make you want to respond in any positive manner. It will create a defense response from you and things can escalate. She is baiting you to respond badly.

Since kids are involved , I do think that perhaps you need an agreement on how/when to communicate so you feel like you can answer the phone. Sometimes text is not enough BUT. But you need to know you can only limit discussion to specific topics and have practiced canned responses to keep topics concise If you cannot stay emotionally level and detached on a call then you should not use the phone.

Others here can probably give ideas in canned responses (since I don't. Have kids)

Tell her to only call you when it involves kids and then you will pick up. If it is other bullshit, you'll hang up.

Also, there is this magical invention called "texting" and she could've sent you a message that your child needed to be picked up.

Another thing, let the school know to call you during those hours if something is wrong.

So she is the one going out smoking weed partying with her OM while still married and she has the audacity to call you childish? I call bullshit on that.

This whole situation IS fucked up, I agree with her, and it's a situation SHE created. She keeps getting mad at me for the repercussions of what's going on. This is her science project, not mine.

Is it? Did she create it?

BB How It Works, p.65

Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty

12&12 Step Seven, p.72

With a proper display of honesty and morality, we'd stand a better chance of getting what we really wanted.

12&12 Step Five, p.59

Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility.

12&12 Step Five, p.58

All of us saw, for example, that we lacked honesty and tolerance, that we were beset at times by attacks of self-pity or delusions of personal grandeur.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Eh?

This is a classic abuser script: "Look what you made me do!" The abused partner is always responsible, in the abuser's mind, for provoking the violence. Your WW isn't hitting you, but she's being emotionally abusive to you. Then she is blaming you for either causing the abuse or being upset with her for being abusive. You can't argue with crazy, so don't even try. One of these days you'll get to a place where her words will have no impact on you emotionally. Meanwhile, keep protecting yourself. She's nothing but more hurt and pain and crazy right now.

JM,

Please make sure you are saving these texts where she is degrading you.

Also make sure YOU do not say anything degrading to her. You want to be the even, cool, polite and logical one.

And you are NOT a shit, even if she makes you feel that way. There is no shame in getting overwhelmed and taking the time to have a good cry. Then you get yourself back up and be the Dad and employee that you are.

Hang in there.

k9

So change the dynamic. Answer her calls and tell her upfront. Unless it is about the kids you wont talk to her. The moment she starts hang up. I put mine down to writing me certified letters. She learned quickly I won't put up with that. So she spent six months being ignored by snail mail. That really pissed her off.

You can control your side of this 100%. I would file for divorce and go after as much as you can get. I would show her just what she is showing you. The cold hard side of life.

C

Canoe, I'm a little confused with the Big Book & Step Book quotes.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Eh?

OP knows exactly what

Canoe, see, that's the thing regarding the quotes. I am working on myself. I go to meetings and tell others what I'm afraid of, what's bothering me, how I feel, the pain I'm in.

Honestly? I'm hoping at some point she wakes up and realizes what she's doing, and we can put this family back together, but acceptence means, I can't change her. I can't fix her.

So yeah, I pray for acceptence, but it still doesn't take alot of the emotional pain I'm in.

Want to know what part hurts the most, or near the top of the list? Losing my best friend.

I don't know who this woman now is, but I miss the one where we went to Vegas, or Costa Rica, or Punta Cana, and we laughed, joked around, held hands, and just talked.

I'm not just losing my wife, I'm losing my best friend.