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I will try my best not to pick her up. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if she takes a cab home for a surprise arrival. I have not contacted her at all in 2 days (when I asked again for childcare preferences).

She sent an “in-game” message to the OM indicating she is still playing “Hanging with Friends” with him. I’m to wonder why she would use a game chat if she were with him in person (but who knows).

I had considered sending a text to her (to see if it didn’t go through I’d know she was in the air)... but I think I’ll just wait till she shows up. Cognitively I know it doesn’t matter when she arrives but emotionally it is a different story.

Yikes - having no idea what day or time she might walk through the door - how anxiety-inducing is that?

So sorry you are having to deal with this - please try and take good care of yourself and find us here when you need it.

Found her, she is now in Sydney, Australia on Facebook. I would guess with OM. So nuts is my life. Today is her birthday, too, so at least she is having a good time. I assume I shouldn’t like any posts or text her? This can’t be part of her original plan because she had a round trip ticket to Auckland.

JMHO, but I would stay strict NC with her right now.

Just a thought... isn’t Sydney a major hub for flights between North America and New Zealand/Australia? Do you know what airline(s) she is using?

[This message edited by Drumstick at 4:01 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

I know she HAD a flight bound for Auckland because the boarding notifications came up on her phone. Maybe going to the Opera House is her b-day present to herself. I think this a stop on the way home. Probably meeting with OM now. Let’s face it, it’s all just wild conjecture until she shows up screaming or crying. I am also pretty sure she is on to my using her old phone game. Oh well, I’m in for a wild time soon.

Strength to you and your children. When your WW returns be strong. Your children require you to be strong and not be bullied. Whether you ultimately decide to reconcile or divorce your children not only need to see you as a loving and protective father but someone they can respect. You have made a couple of references to your WW coming home and raging into the house. This is obviously something weighing on your mind and something you’d like to avoid. Like you, I was conflict avoidant, but at the moment I was suddenly confronted with my WW’s infidelity out of the blue, I did somehow manage the strength to handle the situation calmly without name calling but there was no mistaking I was not going to put up with any shit or be bullied or blamed, and she acquiesced.

And after everything she has done to disrespect you, shouldn’t she be shaking in her boots about enduring your rage when she returns? Just sayin!

I give you advice now I wish I had received when i went through what you are going through:

1. Make a list of the lies

2. Read that list out loud

3. Try and understand her state of mind. More than likely what she has done and said are things you could not imagine yourself doing.

4. Understand in this moment she is not your friend. She does not have your best interests in her mind.

5. Ask yourself in as clinical a way as you can if she meets the standard for a mental illness described in the DSM-5.

6. Try and then understand that she poses the biggest threat to your life that you can imagine.

I know this is all hard to process. I know it is VERY painful. But in this moment she is dangerous.

There are aspects of her journey that are hard to understand. She goes to Christchurch to visit a friend. She then goes to Sydney. It doesn't make sense to me that she would then fly to Aukland to return home - why not fly directly from Sydney? She has given you NO information about her return flight. She has not communicated with her children in at least 48 hours by my count. Why fly halfway around the world, and spend only a few days with her lover? Most people in affairs would make sure to spend the entire time together.

Maybe I don't understand the logistics, but something REALLY doesn't add up.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 9:59 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

Take care. Maybe she will have thought about it and won't be extreme. Hopefully jet lag is in your favor. My goodness, I still can't believe she got on the plane!

Sounds like she flew into Auckland. He met het at the airport. More than likely she spent some time with him then flew to Christchurch which is on another island.

She was then flying back to Auckland spend time with OM then fly back home out of Auckland. Thus the round trip from Auckland.

Now she is in Sydney. No idea why or if she is alone.

I know she HAD a flight bound for Auckland because the boarding notifications came up on her phone. Maybe going to the Opera House is her b-day present to herself. I think this a stop on the way home. Probably meeting with OM now. Let’s face it, it’s all just wild conjecture until she shows up screaming or crying. I am also pretty sure she is on to my using her old phone game. Oh well, I’m in for a wild time soon.

The only one who can keep you bound up in this situation is you.

As you've seen you can't make her do anything but at the same time she can't control you either unless you let her.

Just found he app she is communicating with him, actually I think it’s 2 different guys based on the appearance of their penises. Disgusting. Anyhow, she is going to see him (them) tomorrow.

Is it so far-fetched that she could be seeing more than one OM on her trip?

It is not too far fetched to think there is more than one OM. I am trying my best to detach from the situation emotionally, but every time I look at my kids I break inside. She has not spoken to them in about a week, I think she sent a short e-mail to my oldest. I can just tell the kids miss their mom and are confused.

I recognize she may not even want the kids in a settlement. The lawyer wanted me to wait a couple days before I file, he wanted us to have a discussion with the kids before that happened.

What airline was her ticket through? If it was Qantas, then a Sydney stopover is a certainty, but if in was Air New Zealand or another carrier it gets a bit iffy.

I am very nervous on your behalf anon. You have very many people here who are rooting for you.

Just know what’s done is done, or that if you have any decisions left that they’re antiseptic ones that must be made in the presence of analysis rather than emotion. Get in the same mindset as if it was snowing out and you had to go out and shovel. Shoveling sucks, but it’s a necessity. You put your mind to it and eventually you don’t need to shovel anymore.

You WILL get out of this. You WILL likely find yourself happier than you’ve been in years with whatever path you choose. You’re learning a lot about yourself through this hardship and the more you know about yourself the less wavering in support you will be of what is right for you and your family. You will become a man of conviction. There is not a man of conviction in this world who is unhappy at this moment.

why does your attorney want you to talk to the kids with your anti-kids and cheating wife to determine whether to file ?

What if your kids want you two to stay together and put you through years of misery with your cheating and runaway wife ?

Are the papers actually completed yet ?

She flew to Auckland (to pick up OM) then to Sydney. For better or worse I am exposing at this stage and talked to our friend for an hour. She said my WW was acting strange on her trip and WW told her I was “depressed and wanted divorce” (true and true). She also told me the A explained why WW was always playing on her phone and didn’t want her to come with her to Sydney when she offered.

I finally got courage to look through all her messages and see how insane she really is. There are pictures of her wearing my stethoscope and white coat and then messages to the OM saying she had a hard day at work (she is SAHM). I think she is literally psychotic. I do regret seeing the horrible things I saw, but there isn’t anybody else to do it for me.

I don’t think I have any choice but to tell her family... her cousin will not like to know she sent OM a picture of him (cousin) at a football party and later a picture of her vagina.

Lawyer told me it would take about 4-6 hours to complete papers and file when I gave him the go ahead. He will call me tomorrow and we will see what next course of action will be. Is there a benefit to not waiting a few days? Lawyer recommended waiting until things “cooled down”. There is a mandatory 60 day waiting period after filing for the divorce to go through here. The initial filing she signs only to acknowledge she received the paperwork. She will of course try to manipulate things when she gets home but I know the truth and I know exactly what she is doing now. WW has e-mailed me again saying she wants marriage counseling, which is indeed a silly suggestion. Maybe she doesn’t know I unlocked her phone, after all.

I’m glad you exposed to the friend. Wish you had done it while they were together.

Infidelity only thrives in the darkness. You need to shine a light on it. Let everyone on her side of the family at least know what is happening so they are not given a false set of facts by her. They also can help you with confrontation of what she is doing.

I think your list of requirements for her is a bit vague and should be quite clear for her. I’d recommend delivering them with D papers but that is up to you.

I recommend that MC should be off the table until she does several months of IC. And she will probably only go to IC if she’s confronted with a pending D.

Overall I think you have come a long way from your initial posts. Good luck to you when she returns. Stay strong. WS’s tend to try and use intimacy to get back into your good graces.

But you know now 100% she continues to be unfaithful. You deserve a wife who is as committed to the M as you are. Don’t settle for anything less.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:01 AM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

Forget about the cheating and abandonment! Your "wife" is freaking crazy! Potentially dangerously so! Wearing your stethoscope and white coat and pretending to be a doctor!?!?!?!?

You definitely need to get her out of your life and into treatment asap. And keep her far from the kids until she becomes more stable.

I guess you know that MC is a complete waste of time and money when she is cheating and the affair is continuing. The only thing each of you should do is IC and in her case mental treatment too.

Protect yourself and divorce asap.