SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

His response sounds promising. Remember actions not words show his true intentions. Wishing you a good weekend that is trigger free.

I’d be seriously grateful for a few trigger free hours right now.

The triggers fade in intensity with time, but I'm not going to kid you, it's a LONG time. It's made shorter and more tolerable with treatment though. About four months from DDay, I finally had to present myself to my doctor for help. I was so sick to my stomach by that time, losing weight too fast, I would have done almost anything to stop the nausea, including divorcing him on the spot if that's what it took. My doctor gave me a little medicinal intervention and it got me through the physiological symptoms.

I was still so troubled at two years out that I finally started therapy with an IC. It wasn't until we started EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) that I was able to really beat the hardest of my triggers. EMDR was tough work for me, but it worked. I don't know why it worked, but within a few days of each treatment, whatever the particular trigger we centered on was better. The emotional pain was still there, but the visceral trauma reaction was gone. If you can find a practitioner, I've heard that earlier is better.

((hugs))

I’d be seriously grateful for a few trigger free hours right now.

You think we can think about multiple things at once, but we can’t. We think about one thing at a time, and when it is not the affair, it is gone from in front of you.

So you have to find the right activity. I understand you run? I found running to be the sort of thing I did in order to think about other things, which is the exactly wrong thing you want. Bleh.

Rock climbing, on the other hand, completely empties my mind of everything but the problem at hand. Total focus. Skiing too. Flying works...I was a military pilot, and had to go back to landing on carriers a week or so after D day. Combination of compartmentalization and the focus required by the activity.

So find something to do that is consuming like that. Something that really works mind and body. If you must run, try running along a sea wall where every foot placement is critical. You can feel the dull roar of crap fade away while you do it. It’s nice.

I was cleaning this kitchen this morning and flashed back to a dinner party we four had at my house. We planned to cook and gather in the kitchen. At the time, I had confronted my husband over what I suspected as a EA. I don’t remember if the dates matched up for when they became a PA. I should’ve brought down the hammer hatred with the EA issue. Pretty sure he was lying to himself as my as everyone else at that point. He made an off hand joke about both AP and me cooking for him in his kitchen. How unspeakably cruel?

Did you tell him?

I was cleaning this kitchen this morning and flashed back to a dinner party we four had at my house. We planned to cook and gather in the kitchen. At the time, I had confronted my husband over what I suspected as a EA. I don’t remember if the dates matched up for when they became a PA. I should’ve brought down the hammer hatred with the EA issue. Pretty sure he was lying to himself as my as everyone else at that point. He made an off hand joke about both AP and me cooking for him in his kitchen. How unspeakably cruel?

Yes, he apologized and left to spend time with our son. They had planned to tinker on cars today. H is really, really trying....for which I’m incredibly grateful. It’s just so hard/sad.

LBM, the smugness of that “cooking for me” comment makes me want to puke. I’m sorry.

If you ever think your WH needs some food for thought, remind him how much easier it is for a woman to find a willing partner than a man. Not that you’d ever cheat on him, but let him ponder the possibility.

I know it's hard, Ladybug, but you're handling this really well. Most newly minted betrayed spouses flounder and play pick me, but you're keeping him accountable and making sure he knows it when you're upset by something in particular and not letting him make excuses. I hope he stays on the straight and narrow, and I hope you're able to find more and more peace of mind as time goes on. Best wishes.

He came to bed sobbing and saying that he never stopped loving me

Most waywards like to say they never stopped loving their BS. But love is a verb. An action. There is nothing loving about having LTA..and continuing it,despite yoir wife's suspicions..or bringing the OW into the marial home. That's not love.

Is he in IC? Is he digging deep? What work is he doing?

It is little indignities that we do to each other in marriages that often times makes me wonder how they last as long as they do. Fortunately I know several husbands and wives who have been together since very young and are in their 70s and 80s. The one thing that comes to mind is that they are so considerate of each other. It seems to me when someone feels degraded they’re going to get out of that situation. I am sure the humiliation that your husband felt was long-lasting. Still he should never have cheated. I never make excuses for that. What I do feel is that when someone has beat you down it lasts. I have asked friends or relatives the last time they were humiliated and they can remember from 30 and 40 years ago. If you ask them when was the last time they got a compliment they usually have no idea. Emotional damage is such a hard thing to get over especially if it’s done to us by someone we trust. Both of you have so much sadness to overcome. I hold out hope for the two of you to reconcile. I know your pain is going to be with you for a while. Both of you need therapy.

There are thousands of posters who have written about the second dday. They all say watch behaviors. Words are easy. Still, forgiveness is a possibility if both of you work at it.

You need to matter-if-factly state:

1. He did stop loving you. You don’t do that to someone that you love

2. The person that he was is gone. That person unilaterally decided to end the marriage

3. You are still deciding if this new person living with you, given all that you know, is worth investing in a new marriage with.

You also reeeeeaaaallllly need that polygraph. Unknowns cause triggers. The poly is the best tool to eliminate unknowns at this point.

Ladybugmaam

Hellfire asked an important question.

Is your WH in IC? That is an important step toward showing how committed he is to attempting R.

I think that is step 2 (after NC) for showing you he is committed to repairing what he damaged.

Has he started that?

He has started IC. MC required it. Did I say how much I like her?

Lost my absolute s6)8 last night. Ripped up our last mutual wh, ow, and my race shirts. Started a small cut it the fabric with cuticle scissors and then ripped it to shreds with my bare hands. Then went after every race shirt he shared with her. He thought I was coming after him with cuticle scissors and restrained me with his hands. Wouldn’t let me get away. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. Son is acting up now too. I have court for another matter in the morning. This whole thing feels hopeless.

[This message edited by Ladybugmaam at 9:43 AM, March 18th (Monday)]

I think it’s healthy to just lose it after the trauma of infidelity. Keeping the rage bottled up is terrible. Hopefully he understands no physical violence was meant for him. It was probably good for him to witness the damage he has done and to understand that the consequences will be long standing.

Talking about this with your own therapist might help you to find other ways to release some of the anger. Kickboxing or self defense classes might be a good way to redirect some of the anger.

I hope your so is open to therapy as he neeeds it as well.

Good luck in court today.

Agreed with Shockedmom.. It sounds to me like you found a constructive way to let some rage out. Some triggering objects got destroyed and found their way to the garbage can where they belong.

That said, your WH is obviously having trouble witnessing your strong emotions. It's a bit of a generalization, but men often have a very difficult time observing their mate's emotions without trying to intervene. If you weren't indeed doing some kind of riposte and parry maneuver with the cuticle sissors, he might want to work on allowing difficult emotions.

Depending on what your son's therapist has to say, he might need to be directed toward outlets for his anger as well.

Ladybug, I went to the OM's where my wife's bike was, confronted him, took her bike, and drove to a bridge where I stopped the car, took the bike, and heaved it into the ocean. It wasn't a cheap bike either. It was all good. Made a good place for small fish to hide.

Actions have consequences, and you have zero obligation to tolerate any material thing that reminds you of them. His wetsuit. His bike. His running jerseys. You want it out? Out it goes.

It is all about control and you taking it back.

Sending strength!