SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Buster nailed it, re family.

...The first chapter or so was really hard because....it makes sense to him. Makes the A growing from an EA to PA explainable in his mind. Gives the guilt and shame some reason. For me though, I feel like it's reopening the wound from where I saw the EA coming at me like a Mack truck and fought over it so much.....and he didn't hear me or didn't want to or maybe both.

Have you cleared the air with OBS?

Trying to be respectful of forum rules here...

It was stated earlier, somewhere else, that you confronted this earlier on and, they denied but OBS even unknowingly (trying to be respectful here) provided cover for them by denying anything was going on. This has to be a HUGH point of contention, I can’t imagine the frustration you must have felt in that moment. Maybe I’m just shallow but I don’t know if I could get past that if it were me. I guess that is the whole double betrayal dynamic thing going on here.

Maybe something to be addressed with your IC. There is also a thread in “I Can Relate” for double betrayal that may help. Maybe that wound needs to be addressed.

Sorry if I completely missed the mark here.

Ladybug,

How sad and pathetic that some strange vagina is what it takes to make a WS feel like a man. Real men feel manly when they act like a man. I know I don’t need anyone’s penis to feel like a woman. Don’t allow that voice in your head to direct your narrative. OW was a pretender - an interloper...I can’t imagine how she could look at your son knowing what she was helping your husband do to his family. She looked at her own kids knowing what she was risking for them. You are a bad ass ladybug.

Ladybugmaam:

You know better than that.

Your inside voice will whisper lies to you if you allow it to.

Your last post is a perfect example.

I sent you a pm

Evidently, she’s made my husband AnD my son feel more manly than I ever could.

I'm hazarding a guess the only thing the OW makes your son feel now is revulsion and I'm sure your husband will be joining him soon if he isn't already.

Your son loves you Ladybugmaam, and nothing OW could ever do could compare to that. And your husband has dumped her. Even with all the falsity of unicorn land she still isn't enough. Please don't ever compare yourself to her. There's only one class outfit here and that's you. ((()))

Ma'am, I read this thread late last night. I tip my hat to you for your decisiveness and your resolve. Please don't allow the 100% repulsive AP to live in your head rent free any longer. Of the four parties to this episode, you're the only one acting in a way I find admirable. Your WH's AP is a thoroughly vile human being in my estimation, and the OBS exhibits weakness and dithers in ways you do not.

I think we can all agree to support Ladybugmaam without bashing the OBS based on information they've posted on their own thread. In fact, I believe that is against the rules, though I'm no moderator.

Ladybugmaam, I hope the audio incident demonstrated to your WH once again that your son has also been affected directly by his actions. I'm sorry, yet again, for what you're both enduring.

H held me while I sobbed last night. And I mean sobbed. Feeling like a self-pity factory. Today, I’m hoping for a better day. H has read - How to Heal Your Spouse, After the Affair, and has a list of 5 more books recommended from his T and our MC. He looks like he’s diving into recovery with the same focus that has driven him in wooing me, and his successful business. I’m. No longer compulsively checking OBS’s thread. It’s just not helpful for me. I feel like I need to focus on my plate and leave theirs to them.

that’s a good plan LBM, focus on your plate.

you’ve been thru a lot these past couple of weeks, cut yourself some slack and take care of you.

what can you do for you today? what would help you to have a better day today?

i’m about 7 months out from dday, but i remember the overwhelming-ness of it all in the first month and it was so incredibly difficult. one particular day stands out...my mind and body were so completely restless. I went and had a 90 minute massage. physically it made me feel so much better and i was better able to manage everything else.

keep posting, you’re stronger than you think you are.

@ LtCdrLost, keep posting, sir. I find your exhortations to the BS for decisiveness an inspiration given how you walked the walk.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:03 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

I sent you a pm

Ladybugmaam, I don't think feeling your emotions is undeserved self-pity. You are grieving the damage done to your family, as anyone with a heart would. You aren't stuck in that space. And I've found it helpful that my WH witness my pain. Very early on, he seemed to think it was no big deal (part of his justification for the A is that he thought I wouldn't mind. Right ... Which is why he hid it. Dumbass.). He'll never be under that illusion again. And it makes it easy to draw that line in the sand -- never again will I tolerate his poor boundaries. Ever. All waywards need to know that.

LBM, please don't ever chide yourself over self-pity . . . it's grief over a trauma that was inflicted upon you.

I think it's wise to avoid the OBS's story. The affair allowed a window into each others' lives that should have never been opened. It's best to shut the door on them now. Their marriage is not your business, and vice versa.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself . . . sunshine, exercise, eating well, sleep, time with girlfriends, etc. Your husband allowed his selfishness to destroy something very precious, and the least he can do now is make this time about your health and happiness.

Hang in there.

The other OBS too was flung in this without any choice. His help in exposing the PA was invaluable. The WH from what we have read is a good businessman. He could be in damage control to protect his assets. Both BS need to be vigilant.

ladybugmaam...

First let me say that I am so sorry you and your son are going through this. It is just heartbreaking.

I wanted to give you the perspective of a child, now adult, who lived through their father's affair and it's devastating effects.

Your husband needs to wrap his head around the fact that not only did he cheat on you but he also cheated on his son. Your husband was supposed to be a role model to your son. Your husband was supposed to teach your son right from wrong. Your husband was supposed to show your son what it means to be a man of integrity. I would imagine while your husband was lying, manipulating, putting you at risk of STDs, putting your marriage and family at risk of destruction and thinking of no one but himself, he was also telling your son...be honest, make good choices, don't do bad things, think of others, etc. And now, here is your son, pissed as hell because he realizes what a complete hypocrite his dad is. Really, he supposed to listen to a man tell him how to be a good man, when he is actively being the complete opposite of that?

Your husband was also actively working on destroying your son's family...his safe place...the one thing he has been taught since day one to count on. Your husband was the enemy to what your son holds closest to his heart. Now, you can say your husband wasn't having the affair to do that, but drunk drivers don't get behind a wheel thinking "I'm going to run someone over tonight." He knew the risks. He knew what could be destroyed. He knew the amount of hurt his affair could cause. He knew all this because he went above and beyond to hide it. Did he want the consequences to happen? Of course not. But he knew and did it anyway.

And the big one for me...his father crushed his mother's heart. His father dismissed his mother as if she meant nothing. His father disrespected his mother on a level beyond reason. His father treated his mother in a way that he has been taught from the beginning not to do! Your son is furious for you because he loves you with all of his heart. You are probably the most important person in your son's life...whether he will admit it or not...and someone has stabbed you in the back for their own selfish, entitled reasons. Do you get the enormity of that? And as much as you want to tell your son he doesn't need to protect you...please don't dismiss him like that. Explain that you are a strong woman who will get through this and will come out of it happy and healthy no matter what happens. Tell him what you need from him is his support. Tell him you understand his anger at your hurt and the disrespect your husband has shown you because he loves you so. Tell him his love means the world to you and you know he just wants to help you. Tell him you know he has your back. Tell him that both you and he will get through this together...but you each have your own struggles, hurt and obstacles to face. And that you will support each other as you do this.

My mother, bless her, was so worried about me, so worried about me hating my father that she tried, at first, to convince me his affair had nothing to do with me and I shouldn't feel what I was feeling. An affair creates consequences that the entire family will suffer through. How in the world is a child supposed to just pretend like none of this has anything to do with them when they are heartbroken, confused, mad as hell, and so worried that life as they know it may disappear at any moment. Once I explained this to my mother, she knew my father had to answer to me as well. Your husband...he has to answer to your son as well. It's a consequence of his affair.

And let me tell you, once my mother stepped aside, my father soon realized he had to step it up where I was concerned or he would lose me and any respect and love I had for him. And he went above and beyond in helping me heal. And if he had not, the very close relationship we have today...30 some years later...would never have come to be. Let your son feel what he is feeling...and let your husband deal with it...it is the only way for them to forge any kind of long lasting, sincere, respectful relationship. But keep mind, not even that is a guarantee...and your husband can thank his choices for that.

One last note...in regards to your husband's resentment over your family...this again is another time when your husband chose not to share with you what was going on in his head. How in the world were you supposed to know the depths of that if he was not sharing it. He chose to let his resentment towards you fester in regards to your family without making you aware of what was going on and how it was affecting him...and then held you responsible for it. Do you see how this is wayward behavior? From what I can tell, he agreed to help your family...you didn't just move your mother in without talking with him about it. It also sounds like he was well aware of your brother's lacking. Yes, you probably should apologize that the help you two were giving your family was taken advantage of and did not work out in the way you had hoped...and that he ended up hurting. But don't let him lay all of it at your feet. He was just as responsible in agreeing to helping...and then not communicating with you the effects it was having on him...and his view of you and your marriage. Your family is responsible for the rest...the majority of the fall out. They should be the ones doing most of the apologizing here...especially your brother. Do not take on their responsibilities in all of that. My point...you aren't the only one responsible for the fall out. There were several players in that...including your husband.

Anyway...sorry this ended up being so long. I hope I helped in some small way. You sound like a very strong person...even if you don't feel like it right at the moment. Your son is very lucky you are his mama!! Not only are you showing him what a marriage should be...and shouldn't be...you are showing him the kind of strong, confident, honest woman he deserves as a wife!! Best of luck!

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 12:27 PM, March 15th (Friday)]

Ltcdrlost:

~You have a pm~

I’m not seeing any PMs

coastofsomewhere

Thank you so much for your post! Had a come to Jesus phone call with H this afternoon after reading it. He had arrived at a similar place in one of the books this morning...he says just prior to my call. He knows he's going to have to do a lot of mending here.

He says he doesn't know how he got into the A, but feels like his waking from a bad dream and now knows what must be done.

The pm wasn’t for you ladybug!