SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hope your WH realizes that he not only betrayed you, but he betrayed your son as well. He destroyed his trust and threatened his family. He needs to be making the same amends and rebuilding his relationship with your son.

I think therapy is a great idea. The teenage years are so difficult to navigate as it is and something as big as this could easily affect your son's relationships down the road.

Last night he was sure that this was just an issue between us, but I explained that son's world and assumptions that Mom and Dad love each other and will always be there has just been crushed.

H is going to spend extra time with son and I'm going to remind son that it's not his job to protect me.

Meanwhile, I've had a couple of good-ish moments. Last night we talked for quite awhile. We've started reading Not Just Friends together. The first chapter or so was really hard because....it makes sense to him. Makes the A growing from an EA to PA explainable in his mind. Gives the guilt and shame some reason. For me though, I feel like it's reopening the wound from where I saw the EA coming at me like a Mack truck and fought over it so much.....and he didn't hear me or didn't want to or maybe both.

I'm afraid to leave his side. He's told me that I get to make the rules as to what I need to keep the panic at bay. This morning, as I was leaving for a long run, he came with me. His fast walking speed is likely my regular running speed....so I knew it was a sacrifice and he was ready to offer it. But, I also have a sense of how very many times he had those times with AP. I'm grateful he seems to be refocusing his attention from AP to me in meaningful ways.....but I'm absolutely scared to death.

Got my VAR and listened basically to him reassure me over and over. I sound pathetic. Who would want to chose to do this hard work for so long?

I want to know who perpetuated the A. Who kept coming back for more...more than the other? I want to know why if they were trying to break it off.....they didn't or couldn't until they were caught. I shudder to think of the additional travel we all had planned together. Pretty sure this wouldn't have ended except for them being caught. It's been 2 1/2 weeks. I'm afraid to let him see me relax or become less vigilant for fear somehow - despite his behavior and what he's saying - that he'll resume the relationship as this follows the same pattern of US while they were together. We were working on our marriage then and things were actually getting a bit better....but I couldn't shake the gut feeling. Even being here is triggering.

I'm afraid he'll grow tired of reassuring me....though he says he'll do whatever it takes.

There are two things that are true. The first is that if he wants to cheat he will and there’s nothing you can do to stop him. The second is that guilt has a shelf life. It’s different than shame which is imposed from the outside. Guilt is self-imposed and it does not last but so long. The two of you need to work this out with a marriage counselor. What were the issues before the affair?

LBM - I just wanted to tell you are doing so so well and to hang in there.

I, too, was worried that he would grow tired of reassuring me. I remember telling our MC that during our very first session. Ultimately however, you need to take care of yourself first and you are your best advocate. Your marriage as you used to know it is over and you are now setting the stage for what your new marriage will look like. As your WS says, "you make the rules".

I know that it doesn't seem like it right now because your world feels like it has exploded but you're very lucky that your husband appears to have (mostly) snapped out of the fog very quickly. Very few seem to be as lucky.

Your hyper-vigilance is totally normal. You have suffered a massive betrayal. It will take time to to learn to trust Your spouse and yourself again.

The "they were going to break it off" narrative is very common, and very likely to be untrue, IMHO. That doesn't mean that you can't reconcile, but I would put this up there with lying about when it started (much later than it really did), whether and/or how often they had sex (it depends on what the definition of is is), how frequently they were together (just a couple of times), and whether they used condoms (always!).

I also have a young teenage son. My WH was always a very involved dad. Nevertheless, I was able to point out to WH specific ways in which he hurt our son with his A (not able to get in touch when he needed a ride unexpectedly, going to bed super-early every night to sext his AP so missing family time). I hope your WH has apologized for the many ways his A directly hurt your son. You've indicated he wasn't present mentally even when he was physically, and that he spent a lot of time away from the family with the excuse that he was training. Your son has been directly affected by his selfishness, not just indirectly through the pain it has caused you. It doesn't sound like they're super close as it is. I can imagine your son also feels rejected by your WH in favor of the AP. That's a tough pill to swallow as a kid.

You've been remarkably strong, ladybugmaam. But I know that being strong doesn't mean that you're not feeling and grieving from the fallout of all of this. Hang in there.

The issue he had, or has been exploring, is that we had a traumatic event concerning my family. H offered to have my mom move in while he was dealing with work challenges. My whacked out family manipulated us for about 4 years - before I ended up offering my mom other options for living arrangements. One brother decided that since his mother lived in our house, he could do whatever he wanted in it. And, one night came home drunk and threatened to kill me. (I did say whacked). H and crazy brother ended up in a fist fight. My H got his ass kicked. I completely cut off my family shortly thereafter.

We moved house and tried for a fresh start. H says he felt resentment toward me because my family took so much advantage of us. I can understand this, in a way. Though, H never said anything to me about it. H says he felt disconnected as a result and the EA was fun and shared difficult to attain goals.

At the time, I'm sure I was grieving the family I thought I had and certain I wasn't nearly as fun.

I'm afraid he'll grow tired of reassuring me....though he says he'll do whatever it takes.

It's been like 3 weeks since you and the OBS caught them and blew up their A.

So now your WH is floundering and scrambling to reassure you he is there for you. Is he sincere? That's for him to prove and for you to accept.

Once the flames of the discovery die down, the hard work starts. If your trust in him is shaky, and your questions start to bother him and he becomes frustrated like he did about you not being "allowed" to tell him how he can train, his true colors will come thru. Does he have it in him? Time will tell.

You're doing great in a crappy situation.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:03 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Ladybugmaam, I can imagine that was a traumatic experience for you and your WH. However, I don't understand why he felt resentment towards YOU because you are related to a messed up family. Why, instead, wouldn't that trigger concern and understanding for you? In the years before my WH's affair, we had a tremendous amount of family-related stress to endure including both of parents dying and, worst of all, that his youngest brother murdered someone, was convicted, and then committed suicide in prison while awaiting sentencing. You were both enduring the stresses of that period. He, however, did not speak to you about the challenges that presented to your marital happiness but, instead, chose to step outside of the marriage and inflict even more stress on you and your son (and, now, himself). I mean, you felt for months that something wasn't right, you tried to address it, and you were made to feel like crap for even questioning anything.

I'm not trying to come down hard on your WH right now. I find the wayward bashing that can occur here sometimes puts the betrayed in a position where they feel like they have to defend their WS when that's the last role they feel like taking on as a newly betrayed. But he's got a lot of work to do to figure out why, given your family of origin, his response was resentment towards you instead of compassion. I'm sure you responded compassionately to the assault he suffered, right? You were also mistreated by your family after all.

[This message edited by GrayShades at 3:43 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]

I was absolutely compassionate to him in the wake of all the family drama. Even when he wouldn't discuss it with me....I went shock and awe on the family. Mom decided to tell brothers that made her homeless rather than the generous offer to help her rent her own place. As a result, I've had my entire FOO cut me off. Though, it's taken me awhile, I've realized that they really don't need to have a place in our lives.

I don't understand why he would feel distant from me over it....but that it what he discussed with his T and then shared with me. I think he felt emasculated maybe....that he couldn't "fix" the issue for me. He's not sure he understands why either.

My mind immediately went to how emasculating it must have been to have your brother beat him up, so I'm not surprised to hear you say that. Wow. I'm glad he's in IC -- some really fruitful things to explore.

Here's the thing. Long-term marriage is hard. We lash out, sometimes, at the nearest target when we're hurting. I definitely connect my WH's behaviors to what we were going through. Not an excuse, but important context.

I'm sad for you that you experienced all of that, and then had even more piled on. I was at the end of my rope before D-day. We are stronger than we know, but it would be really nice to not have that tested.

Ladybug,

Infidelity is for some, the MOST traumatic experience a spouse ever suffers short of losing a child. You sound pathetic because of the horrific nature of the wound. I am strong, like you - and I spent so much time mewling like an injured kitten. And our need to be soothed and comforted by the person who is responsible for the damage is soooo counterintuitive....but it’s what so many of us do. When he is by your side you know - that in that moment he is with you. And when you can look into his face and see his regret and sorrow and hear his words apologizing and reassuring, then you Know that in that moment, he is thinking of you.

It is imperative for reconciliation that you feel safe - or as safe as you can feel after a recent dday. When he is present, you feel safe(r). Eventually, you’ll find things like reading books, self discovery, and IC bring you even greater feelings of safety. And then when you’ve experienced consistent action over time - you can begin to relax. It took me close to 2 years to believe what I was seeing.

I would caution against looking for a singular event as an instigator for this affair. For many, it’s a long history of poor boundaries with the opposite sex combined with wives who want to look “cool” and “self assured” and not jealous or controlling. My husband was friendly and probably quite flirty with his female coworkers over the years. It was fun and a boost to the self esteem that seemed harmless. It never led to an affair - but then it did. Maybe she was more calculated or insistent wanting more than flirting or maybe my husband was more needy than usual. The way forward is for my husband to establish boundaries with the opposite sex - no friendships, work acquaintances and family only.

The book you’re reading “Not Just Friends” will address this. It was VERY painful for me to read as well.

Oh, and this is Affair 101. Unicornland is easy. No one has family stresses there, no one struggles with the mundane, everyone is excited to connect, worship each other, and get some endorphin-boosting sex on top of it all. We'd all like to spend some time in unicorn land. Some of us, though, realize that we're grownups, and unicornland is the stuff of children. Worse, unicornland's existence hurts the rest of us, badly. My WH said that his AP was very "Pro-Mr. Grayshades." Who wouldn't want a groupie? And how stupid to think that has anything to do with reality. How embarrassing for all waywards to go there. That's part of what makes R so difficult -- they were in unicornland. Reconciling, unfortunately, is the exact opposite. No one is going to be your WH's groupie in the real world, especially now that he's been exposed.

Your hyper-vigilance is totally normal. You have suffered a massive betrayal. It will take time to to learn to trust Your spouse and yourself again.

With respect to trusting, I don't think it's about learning to trust your WH right now. I think it is about how you learn to adapt to not trusting your WH. About how to move forward in a relationship where trust has been, and IS, at this moment, broken.

You do not need to learn to trust him right now. Not at all. Holding onto your distrust as an anchor point, if you do it in a healthy way, can very much be in your best interest and also in the best interest of your WH and your relationship.

"I don't trust you" is a present tense statement of fact. You don't and you shouldn't. In the place of trust, something else has to come forward for you to continue in the relationship. And that is instead of YOU GIVING your WH the impression you want to, and do, trust him (which previously was real and true), HE GIVES you the impression that he is DOING what he can to provide you with solid evidence that he is acting in 100% complete agreement with his words and his promises. That he is behaving in a trustworthy way. You replace "trust is given" with "trust is earned". And you hold onto skepticism and become a skeptic, an agnostic who lacks proof, not a believer who needs no proof.

In addition to "Not Just Friends" I would recommend "How To Help My Spouse Heal From My Affair" by Linda J. McDonald for your WH. You read it to. It's a very short and to the point book. An easy read. I'd recommend it as the first read for a WS who has gotten to the point of wanting to R.

I am stepping out on a limb here. Sit down in front of him, hold his hands and ask him if he loves you. I hope he says yes and then tell him you love him and are sorry you let your family take advantage of him. Your family is toxic but it is the only one you knew as a child so you brought some of that into your marriage. You need help unscrambling that. As painful as this has been for you what was done to your husband was humiliating. You need to apologize to him for allowing the years of them taking advantage of him. He should always know you support him and vice versa. Marriage isn’t just about moonbeams. It is about circling the wagons to keep the bad guys out. He needs to know that is how you feel.

I hope your marriage survives. You have a child who needs you both.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:31 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]

I disagree, he's the one who has to do all the apologies for now, your family is out of the picture now anyway, the main issue at hand is the A, don't give him ammo to try to shift the blame and justify the A, the A is still fresh and you need to focus on trying to heal from that, the issue with family can wait a few months of IC.

I agree with Buster. There will be time to tackle any pre-affair issues once you’re on a path to healing and he’s earned the gift of reconciliation. Just because you haven’t filed or sought an attorneys counsel doesn’t mean you’re in R. You’ll make that determination once you stop reeling from the shock and trauma and he’s had some time to demonstrate remorse, new boundaries and transparency. Right now you need to be careful of any minute attempt to blameshift his affair onto you - and saying it was because of your family is bullshit. Any “why” needs to start and end with him. There are lots of people with shitty in-laws and didn’t choose to lie, betray and have an affair.

She is the betrayed dealing with a crisis her husband placed the family in. He needs to be apologetic not her for goodness sake. She apologized to the OW! Her husband was aok with letting her humiliated herself by allowing that. That's abusive. He chose this. Please don't allow him to rewrite your marriage. You deserve him putting the same hard work and passion of running into finding his why's and rebuilding trust and faithfulness.

Ended tonight less bad ass than I would have liked. Upgraded my phone and gave son my old one. He was transferring photos and videos from our recent trips together when he played one with her voice teaching son to flex his muscles and totally lost the plot. Evidently, she’s made my husband AnD my son feel more manly than I ever could.