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Why didn't your husband proactively destroy all traces and reminders of his affair (including the OW) vs him 'sobbing' daily about how he doesn't know how the affair happened? The sobbing vs his actions appear contradictory.

Consider leading off with the above when your MC asks how you're doing.

The next Time he sobs about not knowing how it happened reply with: it happened because you are: selfish, entitled, good at lying and didn't care about me. Ask your MC what he can do to fix being so self centered.

I had to laugh at the image of you going after all his racing shirts with cuticle scissors and him being afraid you were going after him.

You should tell him you wouldn't go after him with scissors, it would be with a rusty spoon and you will also cancel Christmas (sorry, my geek is showing - bonus points if you know the movie).

*hugs* you should gather all the stuff that reminds you of her, their time together and have a big old bonfire in the back yard. Get some hot dogs, marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers and have roasted hotdogs and smores. Tell your WH the hotdogs are representing him....

THAT might make an impression on him.

I'm so sorry. It's a club that no one wants to be in.

Things to think about.

1) Take care of you. Sleep, food, water.

2) Maybe think about a lawyer to find out your rights?

3) Check all financial accounts to make sure WS hasn't/isn't funneling money?

4) Find a therapist for YOU (instead of a marriage counselor)?

5) Collect any proof and keep it in a safe location in case you need it later.

6) Consider asking him to leave since he seems to be on the fence in deciding if he wants her or you. Don't do the Pick Me dance.

Just my opinion. But please take care of yourself. I'm so sorry you are in the club.

What really helped me was 'space'. My wife and I were working oversea's. She returned to our native country, and I was suppose to follow soon after. I put it off as long as I could. 8 months.

I seriously considered not returning at all, and she realised this.

I learnt that I did not need her to be happy.

That I could enjoy life on my own.

'Space' is what I required..

Never thought in a million years that he would've done this.

Answering some of the questions.

Trying to take care of myself, but finding the eating and sleeping things very, very hard. And, I'm afraid to mask my feelings with meds. They're going to need to come out eventually. Working out. Working, though have the concentration of a squirrel on crack. Trying to parent a teen who has learned that his father no longer has a halo. I do have my own therapist - unfortunately out of town for the next two weeks or I would be in her office right now. I'm grateful that I have some good friends checking in on me.

MamaDragon....thank you!!

He has been saying a lot of the right stuff. He's read the Shirley Glass article, read How to Heal Your Partner, read After the Affair, read Not Just Friends. He's encouraged me to get out my anger. He's holding me and doing whatever he can to reassure me that he's come out of a bad dream. That he wishes he could take it all back. That he is working on the why's with the therapist - but the family trauma created a distance that he didn't know how to bridge and he allowed the EA to happen because he enjoyed the friendship of what he thought was strictly a training partner. And, then the time shared goals and suddenly greater fitness level for her....he found himself attracted. (He swears that he initially thought it'd be ok to train because she was heavier and he didn't imagine he could ever be attracted) He's making himself transparent electronically. I tried a VAR without his knowledge basically to listen to him reassure me for hours in his phone conversations. We're trying the homework given by various therapists. The formation of the EA jives with a lot of what we've been reading....but doesn't make it any easier to take. I'm holding him responisble for his choice to risk family and marriage. He says they were trying to end it and hadn't. I have my doubts that they ever could've ended and maintained the training partnership. Any bad day would've started the PA back up again, I'm sure. He's found the MC and initiated the counseling. He says he will do whatever he can to earn the trust of our son and myself.

The t-shirt thing just flipped me for a loop. I'm sure he wouldn't have thought that it would trigger me - as the stupid beer brand they used to drink after races triggers me. (He's still drinking the beer, but puts it in our basement and since I've told him....will only use a glass so that I don't have to see it....I like the beer, it's good) After the t-shirt fight, he went through all of his racing shirts and asked me which ones I felt comfortable with him keeping. The rest and all the paraphenalia from those races they did together are gone. He's asking when I'm training and joining me on many of those occassions.

I've been to the attorney, the STD test. I don't know what else to tell him what to do. I'm pretty sure he'd do anything. Tonight he wants to go back through our wedding photos - as I smashed all the ones on the walls. He wants to remember and remind me of where we were and where he's wants us to be better than before. I'm pretty sure ANYTHING he says right now is suspect.

[This message edited by Ladybugmaam at 5:25 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

I would tell him too soon on the wedding photos - that forcing the pace of your mental recovery by doing that now would be detrimental to those pictures. It's way too soon after his betrayal of everything to pull those out. Please make him stop trying to rush this.

I know the frantic behavior, trying to fix something he damaged so much.

I think taking a step back, and going on some walks together where the agreement is to NOT talk about the struggles - give your relationship some breathing room would be healthy.

You might do a Marie Kondo book and clean out a lot of the "stuff" in the house with him. Find a way to work through the possessions.

One thing that helped me immensely was a gratitude journal, even though I could not write ONE THING I was grateful for about my husband at the time. I found myself appreciating birds singing - signs of life around me, when I felt dead. Standing out on the precipice of a well known canyon at a national park, looking at five different horizons in front of me, realizing these gorgeous rocks, the desert trees whose roots seem to be legs walking above the surface looking for drops of water, and chattering squirrels took my mind off the pain and more into the bigger picture of life. I was able to imagine myself 5 years in the future, healed and whole, regardless of whether my husband had managed to keep up the work. I saw myself as strong, loving, and most of all unbroken from all this, because of what I saw in the land in front of me.

Ladybug, no more suggestions from me. Just a hope that you are a little better each day.

After the t-shirt fight, he went through all of his racing shirts and asked me which ones I felt comfortable with him keeping. The rest and all the paraphenalia from those races they did together are gone.

Yeah, how about all of them, into the trash. Tell your man-child that his souvenirs need to go. He needs to start another chapter with new shirts...shirts that have 0% to do with running with his affair partner or the time period of the affair.

Is the family trauma something new, that you believe is real or is it a handy deflector shield that bounces some of the blame back to you?

The wedding pictures seem pretty controlling if he wants to remind YOU of what you two had and he discarded...weird.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 8:04 PM, March 18th (Monday)]

Nope...wouldn’t go quite there with that. He seriously went through all the shirts one by one and asked what I was ok with.

As for family trauma.....it was tough.

LBM, they don't seem to understand what things can cause anguish. Then they can't understand what could be so upsetting. I believe that if they get to remorse they will start to consider what effect their words/actions might have. In order for that to happen they have to be thinking and caring more for their BS than for themselves. It's quite a switch for them to make.

I was at an event two of my granddaughters were in yesterday. My WW also attended which is fine. She's their grandmother. She mentioned more than once about going to watch our nieces perform in the same kind of event. She went to at least 3 of those while screwing her AP. She just can't make the connection between the timing of those events and the potential effect it might have on me. She's oblivious.

I hope your WH does get his head out and understands that his words and actions have effects. He needs to be considering you above all else instead of it all about what he thinks he needs. He may have thought that looking at wedding pictures would be constructive. He's still looking at everything from his selfish view.

Lbm

Only writing to say that no matter how you feel, you are doing the right things.

Your WH will do some things right and some things wrong over the next several months.

If he’s all in, the things he gets right will start to outweigh those he gets wrong.

If he’s not the opposite is true.

Just focus on yourself and your healing. Small moves. He should focus on his IC and your healing. No big decisions needed right now.

Keep up what you are doing. Even if it’s frazzled by all this, you still have a good head on your shoulders.

It does seem like he has some shame of being found out. But I don’t think he would have confessed on his own. He probably has some relief as he was only using her for sex but she was trying to get into a relationship. At least he is free of that. But don’t let him use that incident with your family as an excuse as he is trying to. Smack him down and say that won’t do. He needs to find the real ‘why’ that led him on this path.

At least he is free of that. But don’t let him use that incident with your family as an excuse as he is trying to. Smack him down and say that won’t do. He needs to find the real ‘why’ that led him on this path.

That ‘incident’ was sustained several-year abuse in the form of exploitation and disrespect from Ladybug’s family, which WS endured for Ladybug’s sake. It is no ‘excuse’ but a reason, as WS seems to be take responsibility and making himself accountable,IMO. Probably one of several reasons - in a cluster maybe, a perfect storm which might also include some anxieties about other things and perhaps also affected by Ladybug’s focus and grief about her FOO estrangement. Certainly there was probably an escapist and fantasy element to the A, and the slippery slope sounds significant also. These things are not excuses but reasons. It’s not about not taking responsibility as he seems to be doing so - his weak boundaries and vulnerabilities in the face of stress are his responsibility to examine and probe yes of course but.... Smack him down? That doesn’t sound it’s going to help the environment of remorse and dialogue that seems to be being fostered here.

ETA to caveat, as have only skim read and may have missed important points but the above are the salient ones I picked up on.

[This message edited by Edie at 5:31 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

That ‘incident’ was sustained several-year abuse in the form of exploitation and disrespect from Ladybug’s family, which WS endured for Ladybug’s sake. It is no ‘excuse’ but a reason, as WS seems to be take responsibility and making himself accountable,IMO. Probably one of several reasons - in a cluster maybe, a perfect storm which might also include some anxieties about other things and perhaps also affected by Ladybug’s focus and grief about her FOO estrangement. Certainly there was probably an escapist and fantasy element to the A, and the slippery slope sounds significant also.

I know this is what he's been saying. He's also said that he's been ashamed to talk with me about it......that he was resentful and ashamed that he felt the way he felt over something that I couldn't control with my FOO. HE invited them in. He told me he shared his feelings about this with her. That makes me sad.

Had a long talk with him in the wee hours this morning about what he had to tell himself about me/us in order to justify to himself and OW what they were doing. It was hard to hear, but also more of a grain a truth that I can understand and cling to. He says he doesn't want to think about how he thought back then, but understands why I need to ask so many questions. Then we spoke about happier memories of us. No pictures yet for me. I can't go through them. I also can't bring myself to do some of our old loving rituals. I'm not sure when I'll be able to do that.

Someone else mentioned a gratitude journal - I had something similar that helped me and "us". I had a private blog that was for me, my therapist and my husband that I wrote my feelings in, happy, sad, memories....anger. Lots and lots of anger. My therapist would read as I needed when I couldn't articulate my feelings out loud...and Hubby would read it after my appointments - and comment on some things as he needed to. It opened up communication between the two of us. Eventually we got to where if there was an issue, we would write it in a hard copy journal - whichever us had the issue would write their feelings down, the other reads it & responds...We found that by doing this rather than addressing the issue face to face, we had to think about our answers and be truthful without the angry/hurtful words.

That is not to say we didn't talk about things face to face, just the big things that we both knew would cause angry voices & hurtful words to be spoken. We are now at a point where we no longer need either and haven't for several years.

I don't know if that will help you or not, but it did help me (and us) .

In reference to your loving rituals that you can no longer do - I totally get that.

For the longest time I would not kiss my husband. He has never liked kissing that much, so it was something I considered special - he kissed her....so I just couldn't do it with him any longer. It took a very long time before I would and even now...I just don't enjoy it as much. We did, however, find new loving rituals that are special to us - so hopefully you will eventually create new special things that are specifically yours.

Don't feel bad because you can't do something you did in the past - that relationship is no longer the relationship you currently have. You will have to be like a Phoenix, rise from the ashes of the past relationship and create a new, better relationship. That is how I consider my current relationship with my WH - we are in a reboot - Mamadragon 2.0 lol

(hugs)

LB, no suggestions just a reality check. When he uses the word resentful he means rage. Not anger. That is superficial. You can be angry in a traffic jam. Rage comes from feeling powerless. If it is not addressed it goes underground where it boils.

It isn’t an excuse. There is none but we all want revenge but how do you get it when it is your wife’s family?

You will feel rage too. Sometimes life just stinks.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 9:55 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Found his burner account. I can’t believe this.

Are they still in contact after NC was supposed to be imposed?

Wait...what?