SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Topool,

Any attempt to win you back will only be temporary. Your relationship could not survive a middle eastern desk clerk. It only a matter of time before something better comes along.

She dos not want to be alone. She does not want anyone to know the story. She does not want any problems in your circle.

Don't forget she did bump you. If you allow her back she will again.

I finally informed friends and set the Facebook relationship status to "Single" again. It's public! Some friends (who I met through my ex-girlfriend) already contacted me to ask if they should avoid inviting us both to the same events for a while (and alternate invitations instead), and I said that yes, that would be a good idea. They were very nice about it.

EDIT: And she has posted it on Facebook too, to a flood of sympathetic comments. It feels more real than ever.

Also, it's mindboggling that she thinks it isn't "fair" that you wouldn't engage more and she wants you to feel sympathy that she's away from home. Just.. z&^#*#$% crazymaking.

I *do* feel sympathy. Or maybe it's pity. It's like, my #1 priority has to be self-preservation, but now that I'm separated and doing pretty okay, while she's going through hell, I can't help but feel bad for her. (Of course, I see why I can't let *her* know that.)

Dude. You're the cat. I don't even know, man.

Nah. I'm a Lee Van Cleef man. But I think he was better in For a Few Dollars More.

You don't need to make huge decisions right now about never seeing her again *or* being friends.

Just be very clear with your boundaries *now* and don't talk about the future with her at all.

Clear, to the point, and that's it. No comforting or hoping or anything.

I can do that.

[This message edited by toopol at 2:04 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday)]

There is a saying that women don't swim, they don't get wet.

They hop from raft to raft.

Her Mideast raft did not work out. So she wants to stay in your raft until a better one comes along. She does not want to have to swim in the river of singles.

Once she finds a new guy to expose her STD to, she will not be so interested in maintaining a friendship.

What you said:

We'll stay apart for a while, but I do hope to see you again at [activities] and [events] later on.

What you meant: I hope someday we will be comfortable being in the same room.

What she heard: He want's to get back together but wants some time to show me how mad he is.

What she thinks: I just need to prove to him that I understand how upset he is and that I am sorry. He said Hope to see me again... that proves he wants to get back together....

You've got to knock off the "niceness". No matter how you word things she is going to interpret them the way she wants to and it comes off as you sending her mixed messages.

She is playing the victim card and you are falling for it...."The stress in this country and having to deal with this..." She created that stress TWICE...think about what she put you through the first time... the counseling, the pain the forgiveness...the endless talking and mind movies... And she was willing to do it to you again 6 days after being away.

[This message edited by Freeme at 7:34 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday)]

It's funny how all this is textbook behavior. In the end it's about being able to handle rejection.

She rejected you and you did all you could to fix things and win her back but when you finally hit your breaking point you turned around and rejected her which turned the tables to your favor. That's no coincidence.

When I was in my early 20s I was with someone that wouldn't stop cheating but I wouldn't let go. I tried to control her and convince her to stop but the more I tried to more she pushed and emasculated me. Eventually I also hit my breaking point and moved out telling her I was done.

That's when she did a 180 and only wanted me all of the sudden. After everything she put me through and when she stop rejecting me I got a moment of clarity and realised what a horrible person she was to me and didn't fall into the trap of taking her back. She literally tried for years to get me back but moved on and is married now and even a FB friend (it's been over 20 yrs). I hold no animosity towards her now and I'm sure she tells people I'm the one that got away.

Don't feel too sorry for her, she did this to herself and with any luck this whole experience will teach her to never cheat again knowing the consequences. Many people become serial cheaters because their BS basically let them get away with it by knee-jerking to R instead of holding them accountable. You did a good job and this will help you in future relationships and help friends when they eventually get in this kind of situation (it seems everyone does at one point of their lives).

ETA:

Just to add, her wanting you back isn't really about you, it's about getting what SHE wants. She can't handle you telling her "no" and that's what is driving her to win you back. The second you take her back things would go right back to the way they were within a couple of weeks. SHe only wants you because you stop wanting her.

Think about it, she was willing to run off with some guy up until you agreed with her that it's over. Odds are if you still tried to win her back she'd still be hooking up with the OM. She can dish out rejection, she just can't take it.

[This message edited by Dobby at 10:16 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday)]

hey Toopol,

I just wanted to prepare you for what I think is coming. So she posted that she's single on her Facebook page. There are two ways she can respond to what's happened. She could stay single for at least 6 months, maybe a year or more, going to counseling and trying to figure out why she chose to self-destruct a relationship that she desperately wanted. That would be a sign of maturity, that she gets the severity of what she's done and wants to be a better person. If she takes that path, at some point, maybe a year from now, you can expect an apology. And it won't be an apology in the hopes of trying to hook up. It will be an apology in recognition of the pain she caused you. Or, she could find a new boyfriend within the month and stop counseling. I'm afraid she'll take the latter path.

I know I don't know her like you do, but from what I've read, she has trouble self-soothing. She needs someone to help her feel good. She was lonely (twice) and chose to seek male affirmation to feel good. Frankly, it's pretty astounding she did it a second time. and it's kind of astounding that she doesn't seem to get how big a deal that cheating on you under those circumstances really is. Like Threnody said, it's pretty irrational.

Anyway, I hope she tries to fix herself for her. But you will know what path she's taking soon. In any event, the best path for you is to avoid seeing her for several months. Otherwise you will be pulled into her drama. I'm glad you've got a different counselor. You don't want any cross fertilization going on.

good luck friend

I'm having a hard time accepting the idea that we can't ever be around each other...

...But I'm hearing that things might turn out to be more problematic, and maybe I don't want to risk it.

I realize that you want to have this amicable breakup where you can be around each other, but I just don't see this happening because:

"Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end." - Flanagan's Law

"Old Girlfriends make excellent New Girlfriend repellent."

This relationship is ending badly. No reason to turn it into a zombie friendship. And you are going to lose some real good opportunities with women who aren't going to want to be around your xGF. They won't want the hassle.

There is a saying that women don't swim, they don't get wet.

They hop from raft to raft.

Gee thanks for insulting half the human race.

</tj>

toopol - I think the sooner you NC with her the better off you will be. She is going to mis-interpret any and all of your good, kind intentions, and create a bunch of unnecessary drama that you really don't need.

You are doing a very good job of extricating yourself from her poison, I wish I could be as strong as you are being! Still, I know it isn't easy and it's still a big adjustment coming your way.

I also think it's a great move to get your own IC. In this country, I don't think any MC would do IC separately for members of the couple, it's considered a conflict of interest and unethical. Getting your own IC should be much better for your healing.

((((toopol))))

What is there left for you two to even communicate about at this point??

I need to handle a few more logistics issues. After that, based on the advice I'm getting here and elsewhere, I think I'll go strictly NC for a long while.

I've arrived at my parents' place and it feels really strange for some reason. I don't think I've been around them in the last 7 years except with my (ex-)girlfriend in tow. I feel less comfortable here than expected.

Maybe it's just that the reality of how much my life has just changed is setting in. I keep expecting a wave of depression to hit me, and perhaps it's starting now. I don't have a home, I probably won't be in walking distance of my favorite places anymore, I've got all this drama around our mutual friends, and I don't have a girlfriend. It was the right call, of course, but I'm only just starting to reckon with the effects.

EDIT: It doesn't feel quite right to complain about that *here* of all places, considering how relatively lucky and mild my situation is. I do recognize that.

[This message edited by toopol at 1:08 AM, June 23rd (Thursday)]

You have every right to have those feelings. Your entire world is upside down.

Some of the things that helped me early on was focusing on being completely "present" in doing things I liked. Wasn't easy, but really helped me see steps to go forward rather than just the wreckage behind me

Toopol,

Actually, things start getting better now. My advice to you on your last thread was to get yourself out of the shared apartment and take a vacation maybe to the beach or a mountain....your parent's house will suffice. Now that you're out of the toxic environment, you will slowly start true recovery.

I think you mentioned you will move to a new apartment in the same locality, which means you will still be able to go to your familiar places and stay in touch with your friends. Even if not, just getting a new place will give you focus and start your recovery process. And give you back the sense of independence that you won't have at your parent's place.

I faced even more daunting challenges early on when I split from my WW, mainly because we have a young son who was just 5 last year when I left the family home (not my thread, so won't elaborate). But once I started life in the new city nearby, things gradually started improving, I worked on getting healthy, mentally and physically. I'm in the best shape of my life approaching 45, women half my age flirt with me (no, they don't have daddy issues!), and most importantly, son is doing great...and will soon be with me full-time!

it's definitely going to hit you Toopol. I mean, what, your ex sent you the break up email 7 days ago? So, 7 days ago you were still in a relationship trying to deal with why she seemed to be pulling away again. She said she needed to breakup with you so she could explore her feelings with the bellhop otherwise she would never forgive herself. Dealing with that would have been horrible. But then, immediately, you find she's met him and continued her affair. That would have been horrible. But then, immediately, she is pulling out all stops telling you how much she loves you, blah, blah. So in a sense, you're forced to end the relationship as well. You don't just get to feel sorry for yourself, she's begging and pleading, so you also feel guilty and sorry for her. That's a pretty big load for 7 days.

give yourself a break. You're going to feel weird for a while. You're going to want to be with your brother and your family and friends, and you're going to want to be alone, to process this. But you will get better. That brief respite of relief you felt? You'll begin to feel it a lot more in the next week. No more drama. No more hurts. No more indecision. (it's indecision that really sucks the life out of you.) You'll start to feel like the old you again.

hang in there.

[This message edited by mike7 at 7:18 AM, June 23rd (Thursday)]

Tj here:

"Gee thanks for insulting half the human race."

I burst out laughing when I read the comment you're referring to 😂😂😂. Yeah, we're all the same unethical females who lack morals and apparently brains!

So why has it felt like I've been treading water for the last year???

Toopol, you're in the safety of your parents home which is a good place to start grieving. It will take time but you will be OK just try and stay away from any drama that she creates (and rafts 😉 of course!)

[This message edited by atalosss at 7:57 AM, June 23rd (Thursday)]

Thanks, everyone. :)

you won't talk to me about it, even though you believe you're doing me a favor, but I know I can't make you do anything. So I will stop trying to contact you.

Have you heard from her since the CC texts? Does she get back to the states this week?

No matter how wonderful your folks are, it's always hard moving back in because it feels like you some how failed. Try to realize you are living there for support and let them baby you (home cooked dinners) and slowly begin the process of apartment shopping. Personally, I wouldn't want to live in the same area as her. I know you love the easy walking distance to stores but you're going to hate running into her over and over again... Keep your mind open to looking at new areas -- you might not have a food store walking distance but it might be a starbucks... or a pub...You will find new things to like about your new locations once you become familiar with it.

On a side note I some how assumed you made most of the money in the relationship. Will you ex still be able to rent the place without your help?

Have you heard from her since the CC texts? Does she get back to the states this week?

Yeah, she gets back very soon. We exchanged a couple of texts about apartment keys and such. Strictly logistics. I'll still be out of town when she arrives.

I know you love the easy walking distance to stores but you're going to hate running into her over and over again... Keep your mind open to looking at new areas -- you might not have a food store walking distance but it might be a starbucks... or a pub...You will find new things to like about your new locations once you become familiar with it.

I kinda doubt that I'd run into her all the time, especially if she decides to move out, but I'm slowly starting to become more excited about the idea of moving to another part of town. We live near a big city, and although I don't want to move into the city proper, there are some neighborhoods that sound pretty cool. They sound like fine places to live, and great places to meet new people.

On a side note I some how assumed you made most of the money in the relationship. Will you ex still be able to rent the place without your help?

We both made decent money, and we lived beneath our means. She lived there alone before I moved out to join her, so she could definitely stay there now. The rent has increased, so who knows if she'll want to, but I bet she'll stay put. It was always her place more than mine. It doesn't even look strange at all with my stuff removed; it just looks like a normal apartment for one.

[This message edited by toopol at 4:49 PM, June 23rd (Thursday)]

Hey toopol, hope you are doing something enjoyable this weekend and spending quality time with your folks!

TJ

Sorry if I offended with my last post. Not what I meant. I should have said women like your (Toopol) GF.

Plenty of decent women in the world. His GF not so much.

Hey toopol, hope you are doing something enjoyable this weekend and spending quality time with your folks!

Yep! Spent a few days with them, now a few days with some old friends, and heading home tomorrow. I guess I can't quite say I'm going "home" but I'll be spending my time on finding a new home over the course of the next week. I'm doing okay. :)