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I'm glad you are ok grizzly.

My wounds are very deep as well. And the sad thing is that my behavior and expectations seem so normal to me. I’m afraid I don’t know how to be authentic, how to love, or how to be loved.

You have a ton of emotional trauma to deal with at the moment just on the level of being betrayed, so you can expect that to take some cycles to deal with. I'd suggest though that these deep wounds are instrumental to your overall health and ability to find joy once again.

My own journey has been to understand the ways in which I am broken, to see how others have used that against me, to discover a way to not get stuck/bitter about the past and to find ways to see myself as important and worthy of being loved by practicing being thankful. I don't want to over simplify that path as it takes a lot of effort, self-reflection and time (and a really good IC can be a huge help), but I found that the following books were helpful for me over many, many months as I made progress...

"Codependent No More"

"The Human Magnet Syndrome"

"In Sheep's Clothing" Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People"

"How Can I Forgive You?"

"One Thousand Gifts"

I'm glad you've reached the point you are at now. As Skan has posted, it sounds like you are largely "on schedule" with your pain, feelings and thoughts. It's very much a marathon and not a sprint, so be patient with yourself.

You mentioned perhaps seeking a new IC. This is a great thread on selecting a good IC - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=544948 . Also, read up on EMDR therapy - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=571247 . Best wishes

Good to hear that your physical move is over and your workload has lessened.

And it is infuriating to me that I let her treat me and disrespect me the way she has.

Grizz, you may want to think through/journal this thought more. Certainly discuss it in your IC. How is it that you "let her"? Does that mean that you knew she was doing so and you acquiesced to it? From all of your posts and insights I think you may be connecting this into the "nice guy" label/role.

You may be right, I may very well go the D route. It seems less scary to me that it did previously.

Losing fear regains your power. It allows your brain to be used to self check that your emotions are valid. This gives you a two step process in your decision making.

We have moved, I am down to 2 part time jobs and my full time business. Compared to what I was doing a few months ago, this is a total breeze. So I have some time and bit more energy to dedicate to myself and getting my own shit together.

I think this is a huge factor for you. I am astounded that you were able to carry this crushing workload. Add in the infidelity...more than the weight of the world on your shoulders. More physical energy will aid in just feeling mentally better, better able to cope, and heal.

I just don’t have the desire to date go through all that crap. I like being in a relationship.

Grizz, if it comes to dating you won't have to do shit with pursuing, wooing. It will be the other way around. When you are healed and ready, you will be a rare commodity: a safe, sober, stable, loyal man. When you don't have to pursue and woo someone you will be able to more clearly see them for what they truly are. Any relationship that results will start out balanced. You will not have placed the woman on a pedestal.

The issue I am struggling with now is how differently I am seeing my wife now.

See this as a natural consequence of her infidelity and what you have learned about yourself based on your introspection. You are processing a more realistic view of your wife now that she is no longer on a pedestal. And you processing it without the "nice guy" goggles that obscured your vision.

I can’t wait until she sees her first paycheck to see how little she has earned. She has no fucking idea how hard it is to earn money as I have been supporting her lazy ass for years now.

I absolutely love this. Yeah, get you ass out there day in and day out without any relief. See if the world thinks you are special and entitled. Observation and opinion: none of her pay should be her play money. It should go into the household general fund and budgeted out based on mutual decisions.

She mostly tells me where she is and what she is doing if I ask.

Spouses should always tell each other of their plans. It is a normal and cordial way of staying connected. Daily plans can be discussed in the morning, touched based with during the day, and recapped in the evening.

And I can’t get over not being able to trust her. She went out the other night to get some groceries late at night. She was pretty insistent on it. So I facetimed with her. And she was in fact getting groceries. I can’t live like this. Worrying that she is going to meet up with someone or get back in touch with the gogirls. I get worked up (in my mind) about the most innocuous things. She is watching a video on her phone and laughing and I think she is texting someone. She is in another room for an extended period and I think she is up to something. That is just it, I always think she is “up to something”. What? I don’t know.

She has really not done anything overtly for me to freak out about lately. Christmas happened. New Years was no big deal. Overall I think she has been doing the right thing. But I am always paranoid that something is going to happen. That I will find her texting or talking to something and think she is scheming. I never used to view her this way.

Grizz, consider using these thoughts to engage her to understand the damage she has done: "Just so you know, when you were doing (a,b,c) I thought you might be doing (x,y,z). I not asking for an explanation or denial from you. I want you to realize the devastating impact your infidelity has had on me". Just a suggestion. Try it on for size. A way to get the thoughts out of your mind by verbalizing them.

I am not cruel to her and I try not to be a jerk. But I am not nice in the way I used to be. My behavior toward her is not cold but cool. On occasion I am cuddly and loving, but mostly its about business. I don’t think this is sustainable for either of us. I don’t think this is sustainable for either of us.

Gently (and regretfully) it can become a self perpetuating and self reinforcing particularly hellish form of limbo and rug sweeping.

You are right to have detached as a means of aiding your healing and getting your heart and mind aligned. This allows you to adequately judge your wife's actions and make a better decision about the future that you chose to write for yourself. Just be sure to write yourself a future as it feels right.

My IC is good but I don’t think he understands this “nice guy” business and makes light of it. So I think I am going to need to find another therapist.

You self identified these behaviors that resonated with how you now see yourself. He owes it to you to explore your self discovery. He can and should challenge your thinking because you will then continue to grow an understanding of who you are and why you developed to be that person. But not discount your thinking. It is not uncommon to plateau with a therapist.

Continued best wishes for you.

You are right worndown. Six months. I just needed the past few months to get my bearings and get settled into the new town, house, job. I am finally feeling like frenetic happenings of the past several months are coming to an end and I can become a regular human again. I feel like I am back in the drivers seat. I think things are in a bit of limbo right now. I have one foot in the marriage and on out of it. I will need to go all in or out in the coming months. I realize this. I am basing my decision on therapy, my wife’s efforts, and what I think is best for me and my son. Sometimes I feel like trust in my wife can never be regained. And sometimes when I see how hard she is working on herself in therapy, and for our home, I have a change of heart. I need loads of therapy to make sure I am not just fooling myself or being duped yet again.

Thank you Skan. It really is funny. Sometimes I think I am being crazy or overreacting. And quite honestly, I am embarrassed to have some of my paranoid thoughts. She is sitting on the couch looking at her phone and I think absolutely the worst. I feel like a crazy person. But I know its not crazy because she would do that for months and WAS texting the OM and I never questioned or suspected a thing. I mean, I have reason to be paranoid, but feel absolutely ridiculous for feeling that way. This is just another shade of the humiliation of infidelity.

And wool, I will never forget your name. You have been so kind to me. And I know you prayed for me during the darkest times. It still makes me well up just thinking about it. Thank you for that.

I appreciate the advice and list Crushed. I am reading Codependent No More. As you would suspect, I am checking a lot of her boxes. Holy Hell. To go through so much of my life and have no inkling that I was this way is so hard to believe. I always felt that I was mostly normal and could easily see the “crazy” in others. It is a real blessing to start to see one’s self with clear eyes. And I know that changing deeply ingrained patterns of behavior will not be easy. But I have to steer the Titanic that is my life away from icebergs by hook or crook.

Hobbes, I read a little bit about EMDR. I have never heard of it, but I am open to anything that will help me. I will see if my therapist knows anything about it. I certainly appreciate the suggestion.

Thank you for the kind words Timeless. I think you are on the mark. It is so good to have such wonderful and experienced people to bounce my thoughts and feelings off of.

As far as “letting her” treat me the way she did. I am angry that she “gets away wit it”. I know there are consequences for her. She feels bad. She is insecure in some respects. But she gets away with it for now. I have to live with it constantly. I am the one who is paranoid, who has lost sleep, who has been humiliated, eviscerated, castrated. She (from the perspective of the ones she has told, gogirls, friends etc…) was a victim of my “emotional abuse” and just a poor lonely soul “looking for connection”. Bullshit I know. But it infuriates me to this day that somehow I am the bad guy when my wife cheats on me. I think much of that is because I care about what other people think of me, especially it seems the people I like least (the gogirls and her friends). That is my own issue I know. But their support of her makes me so mad. Its as though they would say to her, “that brute made you stab him. He was working so hard and gone so much, you just had to stab him to get his attention. I mean, really, what did he expect? He was gone so much you had no choice but to stab him repeatedly. You poor thing. You’re a heroine!”

This is what I feel she has “gotten away with.” And she “got away with” having a ton of fun while I was working my butt off. It makes me feel stupid, used, and angry. Just thinking about it make me want to get into the octagon and choke someone out.

As far as dating goes, you are probably right Timeless. If it comes to that, a healthy me would probably do ok. It really scared the hell out of me a few months ago. I mean I was terrified at the thought of being alone and having to date. I’m not thrilled at the idea now. But it does not paralyze me in the way that it did. In other words, that is no longer a reason to not get a divorce as far as I’m concerned. And that is probably a good thing. If we R it should be for the right reasons and not because I’m afraid I won’t be successful at dating.

Oh yes, she is not on a pedestal anymore. And I appreciate very much how you guys all make me feel validated and at the same time give me a lot of ideas to mull over during the course of the days and weeks.

Hugs and good wishes to you all.

Sometimes I feel like trust in my wife can never be regained. And sometimes when I see how hard she is working on herself in therapy, and for our home, I have a change of heart. I need loads of therapy to make sure I am not just fooling myself or being duped yet again.

Always good to see a Griz update - and yeah, this sounds like the dreaded roller coaster trying to process the new reality.

Counseling helped me a bunch.

Healing just goes so slow.

I used to have that same feeling about my fWW 'getting away with it' or she got to have fun and all I get is pain from the whole thing. As it has been going along, I've found true remorse has her in pain too for her poor choices and lowering her own standards, turning her back on her faith, etc. She doesn't look back on any of it as fun at all, just horrible things done to hurt me.

Thoughts and prayers going forward to you and yours.

Grizzly:

You sound healthy, brother. You are growing and learning about yourself. The great thing about self improvement is that you will be a better man for you. The added bonus is that you will be a better man for either your current relationship, or your next one. Your best bet is to focus on your improvement for that reason.

I would like to make another book suggestion for after CNM. Read 'Awareness' by Anthony DeMello. It will further reinforce the lessons learned in CNM.

Best regards, brother.

I am angry that she “gets away wit it”. I know there are consequences for her. She feels bad. She is insecure in some respects. But she gets away with it for now. I have to live with it constantly. I am the one who is paranoid, who has lost sleep, who has been humiliated, eviscerated, castrated...This is what I feel she has “gotten away with.”...It makes me feel stupid, used, and angry

Yeah, a big mindfvck. Your power (in the good sense of the word) was stolen from you. Even though the person that caused it to be stolen was caught, she gets away with it.

Grizz, this aspect may be an important barometer for you moving forward. To see how these emotions develop.

There is some complicated shit about this that I can't fully articulate but here goes.

Is there any consequence she could suffer that would take away the harm she has done?

Many WSs experience consequences but never make the connectivity back to their own behavior. Classic feedback loop broken. So no growth or change.

When harm is done to others we expect to see tiers (not tears) of regret, then remorse. None of that "pays back" the person that was harmed. The final tier is atonement. That is where there is some pay back to the person harmed. Or the atonement is paid forward to others.

Successful Reconciliation is a state of Atonement. When we are deeply hurt we can easily say "fvck you" to expressions of sorrow, regret and even remorse. Because those remain centered on the person that harmed us. Atonement is a deeply held effort to try, in part, to make up for harm. It is centered on the person harmed. A state of Atonement means that the harm done can be viewed through a lens other than blame/shame/guilt/punishment.

And I appreciate very much how you guys all make me feel validated and at the same time give me a lot of ideas to mull over during the course of the days and weeks.

Right back at brother...your introspection has generated renewed self analysis on my part.

Take care, stay strong, keep posting.

Sounds like your head is on straight. Good deal.

This is what I feel she has “gotten away with.” And she “got away with” having a ton of fun while I was working my butt off. It makes me feel stupid, used, and angry. Just thinking about it make me want to get into the octagon and choke someone out.

Yeah, that's something every BS has to come to terms with if they decide to R. The WS had a shitload of fun, and we did not. Life isn't fair, unfortunately.

Sounds like your head is on straight. Good deal.

This is what I feel she has “gotten away with.” And she “got away with” having a ton of fun while I was working my butt off. It makes me feel stupid, used, and angry. Just thinking about it make me want to get into the octagon and choke someone out.

Yeah, that's something every BS has to come to terms with if they decide to R. The WS had a shitload of fun, and we did not. Life isn't fair, unfortunately.

Keep on keepin' on, brother...

Look at you from day 1 until now. You're amazing Griz.

The issue I am struggling with now is how differently I am seeing my wife now. All of her faults are magnified in my mind. Everything that I just accepted because she was my wife and I made a commitment to her is now coming up for review in my mind. Her health problems. Her dietary issues. Her infertility (I wanted more children but came to accept that we would have only one). Even her appearance. Every wrinkle and flaw is standing out more now. The way she chews and coughs grates on me. I don’t feel the need or desire to be around her as much. She wants more hugs and affection and I give them reluctantly. Now I am being fake with her. I think I am pulling away from her to protect myself. But how can we reconcile if I do that? Do I even want to reconcile? I think to myself constantly that I could find someone so much better. And that is the fatal flaw any relationship. There is always (in my opinion) someone better. But at some point you decide to make a life with one person.

But why shouldn't I dump this woman who lied to me and cheated on me and disrespected me for a newer, shinier model? Someone without all the baggage and issues that she has? I know everyone (especially me) has baggage, but these are the things I have been thinking about lately.

Griz, I've seen many posters on this board. Your R is not going to last. There is too much resentment, and you could do so much better. Your wife is not just a cheater, but a low value person. What is she adding to your life?

The cases where I've seen R work are where both the man and the woman are high value, and where both would be better off together than separately.

In cases where the BS would be better off without the WS, R doesn't work. And that's you. You could do so much better than your current wife.

The only thing is, that though affairs are never BS's fault, you may want to look very hard at your habit of putting your spouse on a pedestal. Women have a very difficult time respecting men who treat them much better than they treat the man, or in case of women with low self-esteem, any man who treats them well.

[This message edited by french123 at 5:45 PM, January 13th (Friday)]

Hello My SI Friends,

French I have been thinking about your post for days now. As I have said in previous posts I feel myself letting go. Caring less about her. Not needing her as much. And to be honest this is quite distressing to me sometimes. She has been the only person in my life for many years who I have confided in, who I have opened up to, and who I have trusted. Her betrayal was all the more painful for me because she was the only person that I felt I had a deep connection with and I trusted her completely. I don’t really have anyone else. I know this says way more about me than it does her, but it is just my reality. I don’t need many people in my life. But I do need someone. My little boy is wonderful and fills me with pride, but I need friendships and love as well. For me she provided those things.

I think if I had a “full” life full of friends and connections, letting go of my wife would be a lot easier. I would have support and people to open up to what is going on in my life (other than you wonderful people). But I don’t. And to be honest, I don’t even know where to start with that. I think my life experiences have molded me into a solitary person. I am generally closed. People have known me for years and don’t really know anything about me. I think I use humor and asking others about themselves to draw attention away from myself. Forming real friendships and connections as an adult is very difficult. But for me it is a necessity.

Anyway, when I list out all of her “faults”, she does seem like a low value person. If I were to list out mine, I would be as well. I am certainly no saint. She always used to ask me what I loved about her, and my answer was always the same, that she was kind and honest. And I meant it. She is good to animals, is sensitive, and has a big heart. But with that comes a lot of need. And she is very easily duped by flattery. I think her self-esteem is very low and perhaps mine as well. I don’t know.

And you are right French, I have a tremendous amount of resentment. It might be legitimate or it might be part of the nice guy give to get resentment. I just feel it as anger. You may well be right, French. The R could be doomed. I think the writing is on the wall but our marriage is still flopping around like a fish on a dock, hoping that it will plop back into the sea.

And Timeless. What a great question: Is there any consequence she could suffer that would take away the harm she has done?

I honestly don’t know. She has expressed remorse and apologized. She said she is going to alter her behavior. She is in therapy. She is working more. But that is not good enough. It does not feel satisfying. I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t know why her actions to date don’t satisfy me in any real or meaningful way. I think you are right that there needs to be some Atonement. But what? How? I am always going on and on about how actions speak louder than words. To my knowledge she has acted appropriately (as far as I know). And that’s just a good start. It doesn't feel like any kind of Atonement.

Maybe that is for a couple of reasons. First there is no way for me to know with 100% certainly that she is not “up to something”. Short of having her followed or spying on her 24/7 I can’t know with certainty that she isn't up to something. Second, I have no guarantee that she won’t repeat this behavior in the future and that brings me no comfort. Third, how can someone else’s Atonement (however that would manifest itself) cleanse my humiliation and sense of being castrated?

And to be honest, I don’t know if my wife even knows what the word Atonement means without scrambling to dictionary.com on her phone. And if she did look it up, could she actually live in a state of atonement to my satisfaction or would it be “I atoned at you last Thursday, so I’m done right?” I’m exaggerating a bit of course, but what does Atonement look like in this situation? I know she should be transparent, willing to answer questions, etc… We’ve done all that. What now?

How do you rebuild trust? Is it possible in our situation? Sometimes it feels like yes. Sometimes no.

Thanks farside. Ordered “Awareness”. On its way and will be on my stack of books to read. Thank you very much for the suggestions.

And oldwounds, I have not asked her that questions yet, “how do you feel about the affair and OM now that some time has passed.” I have been afraid to ask. I would like her to honestly tell me that she looks back on it with regret. My feeling is that she will say that she regrets hurting me, but she needed the connection or some such bullshit and that he was a really good friend and she is sorry that he got hurt too (that infuriates! me when she talks of OM with compassion). Another particular point of humiliation for me is that she pursued him for months. Brazenly until he gave in. It is disgusting and makes me really angry when I think about that aspect of her affair. So Oldwounds, I have not asked and will let that sleeping dog lie until I am ready to hear the answer.

To other news.

One of my favorite shows, The Office. Is now ruined for me. I see the Pam and Jim relationship in a new light. How is it a romance when people who are already engaged or committed are flirting with other people? When I read other people’s stories on SI I see lots of office infidelities and know that they are not cute and adorable like they are in sitcoms. The Office is hilarious but I see it in a different light now. Fuck Jim. And Pam was having an EA at the very least so fuck her too.

So my friend Cookie is in town. Remember cookie? The person I have known my whole life. The only human I confided in about my wife’s affair other than therapists. I told her everything. I told her all of the details. The gross disgusting details that I had learned because I was hurting and needed someone to talk to. And Cookie listen and thought it was sad. And then she asked about food, and if I wanted dessert. That Cookie.

And I have learned that Cookie has been texting my wife. Not me. My wife. Cookie invited herself over to our new house and has been gabbing with my wife all day about all manner of things as though they were best friends.

What the fuck?

I am now pissed at Cookie. And she is wide-eyed wondering what in the world she could have done to upset me.

Am I crazy for being mad at Cookie for being not just civil but downright friendly to my lying, cheating wife?

Does it surprise you that you consider an emotionally empty, shallow person a lifelong friend? This is likely the face you are showing the world. Who else would gravitate towards that type of friendship?

As to what she is doing with your wife, don't expect situationally high EQ from someone who clearly does not possess it.

Am I crazy for being mad at Cookie for being not just civil but downright friendly to my lying, cheating wife?

Not crazy. Actually, the answer to every time you ask yourself if you're crazy is, "No."

Nothing is normal at this point, but all of your feelings are real. Cookie is trying to pretend it is normal and all good hanging with your WS. Nothing is normal and when anyone tries to present you life as such is essentially ignoring your pain. Be it your WS or your friend.

Speaking of "friends"

My feeling is that she will say that she regrets hurting me, but she needed the connection or some such bullshit and that he was a really good friend and she is sorry that he got hurt too (that infuriates! me when she talks of OM with compassion)

I know your WS fog is more recent, but she has to know that NO "friend" is someone who willingly helps you break your vows and destroy your family, expose all to possible stds, etc. I've asked my wife to never, ever refer to OM again with the phrase "I thought he was my friend." My fWW finally gets it. I hope yours does soon.

And dammit - I never thought about The Office in that context. Shit.

Yeah, fuck Jim.

As to humiliation, I am now at a point where I realize the only thing I did wrong was love my wife. I didn't lower my morals and standards to get a validation fix, she did. It was never about me. It is brutal and tough to separate it out. I DO take it personally anyway, but the humiliation part is on the person who went into sleaze mode.

Your path has many similarities to mine. I don't want to project my experiences into your situation, but thought you might find the input as something you can filter for yourself to find what is helpful and what isn't.

My first realization a couple months post DDay was that I was a Nice Guy, quickly followed by seeing the codependency and then, a few months later, how that made me a magnet for self-centered people. It took much longer for me to connect all of that to the issues I faced in childhood. It was painful to see how the dynamics of conflict between my parents and how I reacted to it (as a fixer, peacemaker and emotional support) was actually abusive, "emotional incest" and started my codependent pattern. Most significantly, I finally came to see that I didn't know how to receive or to give love well -- and that impacted relationship with others as well as my own image of myself.

While you are only a few months post DDay, it sounds like you are sensing many of the same underlying issues, but you just haven't uncovered them all yet. Take the pieces from my story that help you in your own journey of discovery and leave the rest.

She has been the only person in my life for many years who I have confided in, who I have opened up to, and who I have trusted.

It sounds like you walked into your adult years already wounded and, as a result, trust was difficult. The problem is that being codependent ends up magnetically attracting others who sense they can use you to get something. The tragedy is that your trust eventually is broken and it makes trusting again all the more difficult.

And Cookie listen and thought it was sad. And then she asked about food, and if I wanted dessert. That Cookie. And I have learned that Cookie has been texting my wife. Not me.

It is yet another discovery that those you thought were closest to you and cared about you the most fall short. It's the dynamic of being the Nice Guy and a human magnet.

I think my life experiences have molded me into a solitary person. I am generally closed.

You are absolutely right. Can you see the pattern? You've been surrounded by people who haven't given you the love and respect you've deserved (in part, because they are broken themselves -- not to excuse them at all) and it makes you curl up into an ever more solitary position as a defense mechanism against more pain.

I don’t need many people in my life. But I do need someone.

This is wonderfully stated. You recognize the deep desire to be loved and respected and won't just allow yourself to be bitter and alone. This is where your drive for healing comes from.

I'd suggest a few things...

1. Your struggle, being only a few months post DDay, is normal. You've been unwrapping insight into yourself and your wife, so your emotions are absolutely on track. Be patient with yourself.

2. Dig into yourself. Identify your wounds and patterns. Allow yourself to grieve them. Then, when you are ready, set out on the path of changing what you don't want anymore. Get rid of the Nice Guy habits and of being the human magnet. Even deeper, find your way to loving yourself and to build out your ability to love and be loved.

3. While it is likely too early to tell where R may/may not go, watch your wife's actions and attitudes. She has things to fix about herself and that could change her significantly. If she does all of that hard work, there is a chance that she will become the type of person that is capable of being trusted again and of sharing authentic love with you.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 11:44 AM, January 15th (Sunday)]

Grizz,

I asked if there was consequence that could undo, or overcome, the harm she has done. The context of my question was that "she had gotten away with it". You suffer. She doesn't. I don't believe there is a consequence that can change this dynamic.

Think of a fork in the road, there is only one sign, it has arrows for both directions and it says Consequences.

One path of consequences is all about trying to equal your pain. Balancing the scales of justice in an attempt to lessen your humiliation. So play this out. Craft a consequence that is designed to humiliate her and demean her as a woman. This path of consequences seems to end in being renamed Punishment. I can say for me that it would not lessen my own humiliation.

The other path of consequences are natural outcomes of the harmed she caused. One consequence is the real possibility that you may divorce her. Another was that she had to step up her game, get a real job, and work in the business. None of these make up for the harm, and none are punitive. Rename this path Conditions or Terms of Service. All of these conditions should be written with you in mind, your security and safety about being betrayed again. These conditions are what keeps you in the marriage she nuked until you decide if she is worthy of you and is marriage material. Chance819 has created a great list of conditions that are natural consequences for his sitch.

The preceding two paragraphs do nothing to change the dynamic that she got away with it. Bluntly, she did get away with it until she got caught.

Now to Atonement. Your WW can't take away the harm. This isn't the Pottery Barn rule where if you break it you bought it and all is good.

Atonement relies on someone achieving a core understand of themselves that, for all the good there is about them, they were capable of harming another human being. The process of this understanding can stall out at the Blame Stage (I am at fault), or the Shame Stage (I am a bad person). A person has to dig deeper to heal themselves to the point where they can live a life of Atonement.

Atonement is a means of making up for a harm. Make you own list of what your WW did to pull off the affair:

1.Put herself ahead of her son. The time spent on her affair could have ben used in many ways to benefit him.

2.Put herself ahead of you. The essence of the affair makes this obvious. But drill down further to specific, tangible things the time spent on her affairs could have been done to benefit you.

3.Put the POS ahead of you. Again obvious. But tangible things are the act of not massaging your aches and pains.

4. Put the UGGs (U Go Girls) and her main toxic enabler ahead of you. She spoke to them about issues she was obligated to speak to you about.

5. Demeaned you to others to justify why she needed a POS boyfriend.

6. Demeaned you by participating in that false police report.

.

.

.

Bundle these up into the classic traits of Cheaters: selfish, entitled, liar.

Atonement comes from a place of humility, that I am not the person I thought I was, or how other's perceived me.

It might look like this based on the classic cheater traits and the specifics your wife did to pull off the affair and harm you:

1.The person consistently has changed how they project their character. The flirty life of the party now stay at her partner's side.

2.Humility leads to Selflessness so they always put others before themselves. This atones for the selfishness of their affair.

3.The person always enhances their partner's self esteem by expressions of thanks and gratitude. Thanks for a simple sacrifice the partner made to improve the household that day. Or a continual understanding of extreme sacrifices to provide for a family's future.

4.The person never puts themselves in a position of being alone in a way that a male can approach her when there isn't a reason for an interaction.

5.The person only associates with friends of the marriage.

6.Discussion about the intimacy of the marriage only occur between husband and wife.

The list comes from within the person based on a fundamental reordering of who they thought they were and is designed to make up for what they did.

Call them acts of contrition even though I haven't written any of this from a religious perspective.

Some positive points:

First, she wants to stay in the marriage, a good sign.

Second, you make reference to her having found jesus. I have seen one situation where the person's life was changed dramatically when this happened. Many think the born-again concept is stupid (me included), but it does sometimes work.

Third, you portray your marriage as being ok, which reduces the possibility that this was an exit affair. It seems to be more of a fling.

Fourth, you and the wife of the affair partner have talked, exposing the whole thing. The allure of the affair will almost certainly decrease now that the secrecy has been breached. The humiliation and embarrassment are hers, not yours.

Fifth, her actions were reprehensible, but reprehensible acts are hardly unusual among people. In fact, I would guess that they are so common that they could be considered normal--cynical, yes, but probably true.

Sixth, the new business endeavor may keep her occupied and turn everything around.

What are those other awful things that she has done? You make reference to these but do not give specifics.

You may want to try Meetup.com to meet some new friends (depending on your location). I found it really helpful post d-day. They have a large variety of groups based on your interests.

Damn. I loved the office...