SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have to say something here that I have seen many times on SI. The BS having sex with the WS after the affair has come to light. To me you are either in or out and when you engage in sex then you are automatically in. In some states this is viewed, under the law, as forgiveness. If you have sex you are not trying to decide if you are in or out, you are already in. I know some is going to say. "well we are married", but that does not make the cut when you are trying to decide to divorce or not. If you are using the WS just for sex and to just get off then you are probably doing the same thing the AP was doing to them. Just my point of view. I do wish you well.

To me you are either in or out and when you engage in sex then you are automatically in.

I don't know if I agree with this. I had sex with my WH in the aftermath of D-Day long before I decided I was in. Hysterical bonding is real. It felt good and even necessary at the time. That said, I am a BS in reconciliation so take it for what its worth.

Neanderthal, how are you doing today?

I may be late to the discussion but I have a question for you. How can you take the high road here? You told your wife you weren't attracted to her, you told her you didn't love her. Those are probably the 2 most hurtful things a man can say to his wife. Then to top it all off you suggest swinging? WTF? To me, that is the day your marriage died, not when SHE went out and did what she did. Adultery is adultery, and it was YOU who suggested breaking the marriage bond by having sex with other people, not her. I am normally a person who never agrees with the adulterer but in this case there's little that separates you from her. Your marriage may have blown up but in my opinion it was you who lit the fuse. Sorry if this comes across as harsh but IMO you have no right to put her through the ringer when you share the blame.

Fused.... You are correct. You are very late to this thread!!!

I have to say something here that I have seen many times on SI. The BS having sex with the WS after the affair has come to light. To me you are either in or out and when you engage in sex then you are automatically in. In some states this is viewed, under the law, as forgiveness. If you have sex you are not trying to decide if you are in or out, you are already in. I know some is going to say. "well we are married", but that does not make the cut when you are trying to decide to divorce or not. If you are using the WS just for sex and to just get off then you are probably doing the same thing the AP was doing to them. Just my point of view. I do wish you well.

Unless you are going for at fault divorce, rare today, it doesn't matter in court.

If you are saying it matters morally, that he has to be in... I do not personally think that is true.

I'm not really sure what to write about today.

Fuzed, I agree with everything you wrote. I do believe I lit the fuse that destroyed our marriage.

I know I'm not a typical BS. I came here looking for help. Not because I feel I deserve it, but because I needed it. I didn't sugar coat our relationship, or deny my past. I was upfront with a group of strangers about my terrible ways as a man, and husband. I even went into detail explaining how bad I fucked up. I know I have no right to hold this affair against her. I know there isn't a high road for me. But it doesn't change how completely gutted I feel. I've spent the last 6 years trying to better myself, as a man, as her husband.

Unlike most Betrayed spouses that blame themselves for the waywards actions. I know I'll never believe it wasn't my fault, at least partially. I worry my thread is just taking time and energy away from newly betrayed that truly deserve the help.

I wish I could say this isn't destroying me, that I could just forgive and forget, or call it even.

This affair has physically and mentally changed me. I know have panic/anxiety attacks. The last one happened yesterday while I was at the doctors to get tested my HSV2. My 5 year old daughter was with me and saw the whole thing. She watched me collapse into the chair, she watched me go unresponsive, she watched the sweat pour out of me like I was on fire. She watched me shake. I could hear her and see her, but I couldn't move. I couldn't respond to her. I saw the fear in her eyes as her daddy became mush in front of her. She is such an amazing person. She knew what to do, she ran out of the room and screamed for help. The doctor and nurse picked me up and put me on the stretcher. elevated my feet and gave me a cold towel for my head. Once I could actually could respond, all I did was cry and apologize to her.

You ARE NOT taking time away from other BSes. It doesn't matter how responsible you feel for her A even though it is not your fault no matter what those jerks say about your past. YOU deserve support. YOU deserve to post your story and not be silenced by the indignantly righteous. YOU are clearly hurting and need it just as bad as any other BS.

And remember, not all BSes who come here are going to have a squeaky clean, PG-13 past themselves. Some will be like you with similar bumps in the road and they will want to see your thread. And they will especially want to read it because they are too afraid to post and receive some of the same hate and negativity that you have. Posting is mostly for you but is not just for you alone. It's for many of your readers too who are also struggling.

Everyone deserves support here. BS, WS, whatever. No one deserves to be cheated on for any reason.

Neanderthal,

Sorry to hear that happened, brother. Dday is hard to take. I started to come apart, so I got IC, it helped.

Yea, you probably f'ed up before, but you came back and tried to live a good life. That was on you. What your WW did was on her, not you. It was not because of you, what you did in the past was a justification for her, but not a good reason.

You are trying to tackle unresolved guilt at the same time as you are tackling the blow of infidelity. You are dealing with a ton of emotional crap right now. Get some help.

As for what to do with your marriage? Here is my advice...whether you decide to D or R is entirely up to you. You know more than any of us will ever know about your marriage and the A. Don't let people put crap in your head. When someone says, "It's never just once" they are projecting their experience on your story. Filter the people who project their experiences onto your story. Don't let pride get in the way of your life. If you decide to R, you will have to swallow pride. That takes a lot of strength, and requires a remorseful fWW. But it happens. Sometimes the A is a dealbreaker, we all have to make that decision for ourselves and our families. Whatever your decision, do it for you and your daughter, and do not give one shit about what someone else thinks of your or their judgement of you.

I wish you well, I know the pain you are going through. It does get better, in time, you will get your feet under you. Take care.

I will say you do belong here. If you don't belong here, then why do we have the Wayward forum.

People are essentially broken and try to lean on each other when those broken parts let us fall. You both screwed up. You tried to fix it after you screwed up. She is trying to fix it now that she screwed up.

That is what a marriage is. You don't leave when shit gets tough. You buckle down and strap yourself to the other person. Sometimes you have to bale but if you don't, then this just becomes one more rough patch in your life. I know I have had some.

Try to focus on today and then tomorrow. Like watching a movie, let the past become that blurry thing behind you and focus on the now. Ever wonder how pets can love us so unequivocally. It is because they only have now and a vague remembrance of the past.

So, what happened today that was good?

What happened bad and how do you avoid it?

Take it just a little at a time.

I do not believe in the concept of WS heals WS and BS heals BS, but in this case it is appropiate. You hurt because you really loved her. There is no wrong in this, but it makes your journey lot harder.

You are going to have to grind this one out on your own. There is no easy out. Accept the pain when it comes, recognize it for what it is but continue to move forward. Pain ebbs and it flows but will eventually recede. When it gets to a tolerable level you will know what to do.

There is no point in beating yourself up for the past or the affair. You can not change it you are just going to have to accept it and go thru it.

Example: When I am deeply disturbed, I will take a 10 mile run thru the desert. It is hot, my lungs are screaming WTF are you doing, my legs are saying stop! quit and turn around. But my brain says I will not quit. I will endure because there is a purpose to the pain. There is a finish line and once I get there, I will feel much better.

You can not solve all this at once. Set a date on the calendar to make a judgement and wait for it. Just grind it out. It is hard but it can be done.

Fused.... You are correct. You are very late to this thread!!!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^I agree with Bigheart. N that is revisionist thinking. What happened years ago was a mutually agreed upon activity that went too far. You did the correct things in the aftermath. Done, over, had nothing to do with the situation now.

Oh Neanderthal my heart aches for you.

When I first started reading here, I was a little farther out from D-Day than you and I also felt like my husband's affair was my own fault. I was ashamed and felt less than worthless. I kept thinking of all the things I wish I had done differently and wondering whether it would have changed the outcome. It took me a while to get to the point where I could say that it wasn't my fault. It took longer before I truly believed it. For what its worth, I don't think anything in your past made your wife's affair your fault.

Eventually you will hit the anger stage - probably not for a few months. You will still have sad days but you will also feel rage. I preferred the anger sometimes because it felt safer than the sadness/crushing guilt. It helped that my WH would sit there and comfort and reassure me and apologize when I was angry. Right now you're probably afraid of showing your wife how you're really feeling because you don't feel entitled to your all-consuming feelings. Part of you probably worries that your wife will leave you if you show her how you're really feeling - like she already has one foot out the door. You hate her actions more than anything but you also feel like her presence is a comfort.

You say you want to forgive and forget or to call it even - I'm here to tell you that it isn't that easy. You know that. Whether you decide to offer your wife the gift of reconciliation or whether you ultimately choose to divorce, the only way to get past this is to go through it. You WILL get through this and SI will be here to help you on your way.

I also wanted to ask, have you had the opportunity to ask your wife about the "lie" in her timeline. Has she clarified what the 'real' story is? Has she explained why she was untruthful?

Does she understand how important it is that you have the whole truth - warts and all?

Did you have sex with another woman?

Your wife had sex with another man. She is to blame for her affair and letting it go that far...not you.

Maybe you could have shown her more attention, but the blame for what she did is on her.

Don't blame yourself. She betrayed her vows not you.

Hello Neanderthal, are the STD test results back yet?

Hello Neanderthal, are the STD test results back yet?

I also wanted to ask, have you had the opportunity to ask your wife about the "lie" in her timeline. Has she clarified what the 'real' story is? Has she explained why she was untruthful?

Does she understand how important it is that you have the whole truth - warts and all?

I don't have a better answer. She didn't really give one, or understand why she lied about it. She says she's being honest with me now. I hope she knows that honesty is most important. I have told her that.

Did you have sex with another woman?

I don't know if this was a rhetorical question, a reminder, or if you just don't know. The answer is YES. I had sex with someone else other than my wife.

Hello Neanderthal, are the STD test results back yet?

Yes I did. Thank you for asking. The doctor called me yesterday and said I was negative for HSV2. That was a relief. He did say I need to test again in a few months, if I show symptoms or not. He also told me I do have HSV1(Oral cold sore version). He believes I recently contracted it. I guess the antibody levels were high, as if I got it within the last few weeks. I'm trying to stay positive about this. I know most people have this version of Herpes. But I didn't have it before, and now I do. My WW has had cold sores as far back as I can remember, but she always avoided kissing me when she had an active sore. I believe I contracted it when my fists met OM's face. I was scratched at the time, and it would explain the odd outbreak I had on my wrists. Doctor said this is unlikely but possible. Either way, I have it.

I'm still struggling with my past mistakes and trying to separate everything. I opened up to my wife about some things she didn't know from years ago, or I couldn't remember if she knew. We both have a lot of decision making to do, and we both deserve to know everything before hand. I don't intend on going into detail here about what I shared with her. I didn't have another affair, or sacrifice a goat in some weird sex fantasy. Just small details, or to verify there weren't any unknowns between us. In other words, I gave her my truth.

I still miss her. Even though we are in the same house, its like two ships passing in a foggy night.

I know I'm supposed to build up my self confidence and believe I'm the prize. I'll continue to work on that. Hopefully she will as well. My past was never dealt with so she needs to build herself up again, too.

I worry I wont see her as a prize anymore. No matter how good she becomes. I mean if she isn't a prize, why should I bother? Wouldn't that be me settling? Again I know my thinking is very hypocritical. I should just be thankful, she wants anything to do with me.

Again, thank you all for the support. It means a lot to me.

Thanks for the update N. From your words and tone it feels like you are making progress. And I appreciate your introspection despite the pain.

Man, we are all flawed. I am not saying this to excuse wayward behavior...it's just true. Every prize is tarnished in some way when you are dealing with human beings. We can be... or have... a prize despite this tarnish. It has to be that way to one degree or another because of our flaws.

There can be beauty finding the prize amidst the flaws and struggle. This happens in all marriages--- ones where there is no infidelity as well as when couples successfully reconcile from it.

Thanks for the update.

Did your WW get her test results back?

Did your WW get her test results back?

Yes. Negative for HSV2.