SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The more I hear about this thing from her, the more it sounds like if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. I don't think there was much there besides him telling her she was pretty and smart and stuff.

That pretty much says that she has or had low self esteem and possibly from childhood issues.

If it wasn't him it would have been someone else, I heard that from my wife before I knew she was abused as a child. Still damn hard to understand for me.

As for the job, him being curt, as long as he isn't threatening or being rude or any other against the laws of employment, she has to live with it.

There could be other better jobs out there for her, she should at the least be looking for a new and possibly better job.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=593361

For us to help could you give us a little bit of what your wayward wife has been doing since you started posting to become better? Open to questions, open passwords, reading books, IC, sharing any communications with AP at work, or what is she talking about? How is she portraying her view of the AP is he scum to her or still cool dude etc..? Are you still suffering trickle truth?

She has answered any question I have asked and she has answered them honestly imo (even tough ones that the answers could hurt me she answers and sometimes the answers sting). She has also read three books I recommended and is currently reading the book you recommended to her, Sneaker. I didn't ask her for passwords to anything but I am sure she would give them to me if I wanted. I have access to her computer and whatnot and we let each other log into our emails and whatnot if needed. I don't think she's hiding anything. We are doing MC. Our MC said he didn't like having lots of IC as it sometimes creates resentment with the person going to IC as they feel better after a session and go home to BS who maybe doesn't listen as well. She has shared the one time he tried to have a conversation not about work. She shut him down and it's been strictly work since. She sees him as a guy who cheats a lot. I haven't asked her to describe him to me. I know he's scum and I'm sure she does now too. The hard part for her is that the parts of him she should view as scum, she shares. No more trickle truthing. The only trickle truths I will receive are the ones I ask for (reading the journal, asking about them as a couple, etc).

I agree with the low self esteem now and from childhood. She is the middle child and her parents don't seem to give too many fucks about her life and whatnot. They are much more interested in her other sisters (it shows even to me). They will ask questions about how and what she is doing but then clearly stop listening. I think it has been like this her whole life.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 1:39 PM, October 19th (Wednesday)]

Hey Desert.

Regarding trickle-truths… Specific nitty-gritty detail you might ask that you haven’t asked before isn’t really TT IMHO. Like if you know of a time when they were together and you have already asked all the details then learning tomorrow that she took a taxi there when she had told you she drove her car… It’s not necessarily TT despite a new “truth” being uncovered. Sort of like you might not remember in detail what you ordered the seventh-last time you ate out until or unless you really think it over.

I actually think you are making good progress. Your emotions right now are quite normal. This is a long-term process no matter how it goes.

I do think that no matter what you pretend to say then ensuring no contact between them is necessary. I manage people. Some years ago I had a guy that had an office affair with a receptionist. Different departments, different managers… really nothing in company policy that prevented it. But his wife found out and the man broke off the affair. I know for a fact he ended the affair (he confided in me after d-day). I also know the OW respected his wish. The only times they ever had to meet at work was possibly in the canteen. Yet this man told me that his marriage didn’t REALLY start to heal until the OW switched jobs and left the company.

Yeah, I agree with your TT assessment. I don't think there is anything else to tell. I think, when this gets reported, that he will be fired. She is a very well respected part of the company and he is a POS underachiever (the POS shit is new since he is clearly a scummy person, but the underachiever is not, he has been with the company for 20 years and JUST got promoted to manager).

I don't see how they keep a guy like that around, esp with the sexual harassment complaint ink still drying.

Emotions are all over the place. I just need to keep clearing my head (crossfit has been wonderful for this btw!) to assess how I want to proceed. Dating and blowing everything I know up is scary but I think I am coming around to the idea that is isn't the end of the world if that is what needs to happen. We've been together for 10 years so around half of my more "adult" life. It will be an adjustment, but if I can't trust her any more, or just resent her, I don't see how this will work, long term.

Does anyone know the best way to come to terms with the fact that your spouse cheated on you? I just look at other people and think they probably aren't cheaters, yet I'm married to one.

Does anyone know the best way to come to terms with the fact that your spouse cheated on you? I just look at other people and think they probably aren't cheaters, yet I'm married to one.

Yeah. You go find yourself a counselor / therapist who knows which end is up for infidelity issues.

You may have to throw away the first one, or two, or even three, but finding yourself a good counselor / therapist is the best.

I think, when this gets reported, that he will be fired.

I think you need to just do that and stop thinking about it. Put the OM to rest and be done with him. If your wife gets fired as well, at least it is behind you.

Does anyone know the best way to come to terms with the fact that your spouse cheated on you? I just look at other people and think they probably aren't cheaters, yet I'm married to one.

About the best way to get over it is if your wife starts explaining the why and how she could do this, what caused her to do this.

And by explain, I mean with real truth, none of the on the surface excuses.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 2:55 PM, October 20th (Thursday)]

She says she doesn't know the answers to those questions. I think she was bored which is the why, but how she could justify it to herself is what bothers me the most.

We have a marriage counselor who seems good so far. Is that something I should bring up during a session with him and my wife?

[This message edited by desertmirage at 3:08 PM, October 20th (Thursday)]

She says she doesn't know the answers to those questions. I think she was bored which is the why, but how she could justify it to herself is what bothers me the most.

We have a marriage counselor who seems good so far. Is that something I should bring up during a session with him and my wife?

Yes, it should be brought up with the MC.

Your wife knows why. If you did the same thing wouldn't you know why you did it...of course you would know why. BUT, you would not want to admit it to anyone, and possible even yourself.

If she doesn't know why she did this in the first place, what is to stop her from doing it again.

I think she was bored which is the why, but how she could justify it to herself is what bothers me the most.

There's a passage in one of my favorite books that is summarized as "Boring? What a fantastic reason to kill your friends."

The context would be that the princess is bored inside the fortifications, and takes her friends on a "tour" of the "occupied" territories, during which one of her friends takes an arrow through a lung.

So, if your spouse was "bored," that sounds like an excellent reason to kill her marriage. And yours. Just spiffy.

[This message edited by setecastronomy at 3:27 PM, October 20th (Thursday)]

I agree, Craig, there is nothing stopping it from happening again until she figures her shit out. It makes me anxious.

setecastronomy, you hit the nail on the head. I don't understand how "bored" leads to being willing to ruin things.

This is my primary thought today and it makes me wonder if I am just wasting my time by staying with her. We are only 30 so I don't see how she won't get bored in the next 60 odd years together. I have a wonderful group of friends and thought she was my best one. None of my other friends would fuck me over like this. It is infuriating.

My friend,

Please think about this, you are 30 and there could many issues with your wife that made her do this. In my humble opinion, This should NOT be your main concern. Just think about this, to get over this it will take you about 5 years (you will be 35). You will have to be a detective to trace everything she does and thinks from now on until you die. You probably will not want to have kids until you are comfortable which means late 30's. If you want to R, you can bet your entire 30's will be consumed by this cheating. NO way around that. You don’t deserve to live like this.

You know she cheated because SHE WANTED TO, not because she was drunk or lost or whatever. Before you get into the real R, leave her now and start your life again. You can take a year off and work on yourself and your career. Then you can look for a good woman. Please keep this in the back of your mind as an option.

Thanks. I know it's because she wanted to. A drunken ons I can sorta understand but this wasnt that. I just don't want to look back at this and wish i had d or r. Wish I had a crystal ball to know what's right.

Is asking her why I should think she won't do it again and why should i stay out of line?

Your crashing.. Which is normal on this roller coaster ride.

Do you really need to make that decision now to D or R? Is it time sensitive? How about focus on you and your health and watch her actions.

Right now this minute she is not a safe partner at all, so the answer this minute would be D and no chance of R.

I think R happens when you decide to give the gift of R after the wayward has shown TRUE REMORSE, full accountability, openness, and become a safe partner. You can't force her to change she has to want to become a better person and that safe partner first before R.

How do you get over this? You don't! You get through it.

You have to get to the acceptance stage of grief and it won't be anytime soon. Remember your suffering emotional trauma and those stages of grief. I got to acceptance by acknowledging and having my wayward understand the kick to the balls she had just given me and the fact I will never forgive but have the grace to offer R when xyz has been meet because I am a good man who has grace and a heart even though she ripped it out!

Go through it... See....?

Have to run

[This message edited by sneaker at 9:32 PM, October 20th (Thursday)]

No, I don't need to decide. I just don't know what will make her a safe partner. I feel like the first step is her to tell me why and how she was able to do the A. Until she tells me, it's just going to be "when will it happen again?" and that is unacceptable. I love and hate her, haha. We spoke tonight (she's on her last business trip for a while) and I didn't even want to talk to her. I was nice and asked her about her day and whatnot, but really I just didn't want to talk to her. I feel more angry and less sad.

Is asking her why I should think she won't do it again and why should i stay out of line?

Hell no that is not out of line, there is not one question you have that is not out of line!

I doubt you even trust her right now on this business trip.

She needs IC to figure out why she did this and start being honest with herself about this entire situation.

Too many WWs rationalize lies to make themselves feel better.

Ask her everything, and she needs to get this figured out now.

I think, when this gets reported, that he will be fired. She is a very well respected part of the company and he is a POS underachiever (the POS shit is new since he is clearly a scummy person, but the underachiever is not, he has been with the company for 20 years and JUST got promoted to manager).

Your anger at the OM is justified. However your wife did not just trip on the rug and fall down on his bed with her clothes falling off at the same time & her legs spread and he accidentally fell on top of her.

She may very well be the most respected person within her company. But how much respect does she deserve as your W? How much respect has she given you? How much respect has she shown your M?

Many people have issues, it does not make them knowingly have sex outside the M. If she is smart enough to be one of the companies bright lights then she is smart enough to know right from wrong.

Sending strength my man

Okay, I'll bring that stuff up then. Thanks. Thanks for the support! The stuff about being respected and stuff was strictly about her work environment. I didn't mean to draw parallels to our relationship at all. It was just about how I think her work would handle hearing about the issue at hand.

I don't respect her at all right now, fwiw.

Desertmirage:

The hard part of this, and clearly what you don't want to hear, is that she likely does not know why she chose to act in this way.

Simply put, she did it because she wanted to and thought she could get away with it.

Until she can arrive at that conclusion, and accept that she has significant enough issues to allow her to behave in such a way, she will not be a safe partner for you.

For your sake, I wish it were different.