SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yeah it's true, her mom called me this morning. Mom is a great woman and told me she would help me any way possible. I guess she let her have it last night.

OIN

no I still am not good with myself, I don't even know how to get there

So she just called the whole family yesterday and told them she had an affair? Did she say what their reactions were (besides what your MIL told you)?

And by “by letting her have it, did she say she should be doing absolutely everything she can to help you heal?”

And finally what was your wife’s response to your discussion with her about fixing herself? Time ticks on and yet she still seems to resist doing the things she could absolutely do to save her marriage and show her spouse he’s the most important thing in the world to her.

Yes she did. well text first. isn't that how we communicate now?

My opinion, admittedly biased, I think she has finally hit rock bottom. Her mom was not sympathetic and I think it finally hit home. She even said her mom loves me more that her.

Her mom was more critical than helpful.

Counseling starts tommorrow

Sorry, please remind us, is this her IC?

Thanks

No joint counseling

No joint counseling

A waste of time, in fact, often does more damage. Can you really handle listening to the MC ask how you are going to meet your WW's needs, when all you can think is, "But she cheated! Why are we talking about me?!"

I told her we have to deal with the infidelity issues first or I am out

This is what her work set us up with. I already talked to her about IC for both of us and hopefully we can get that accomplished.

Beware

MC is notorious for rug sweeping and/or blaming the BS for causing the affair.

You’ve been here long enough to know that’s bullshit. The affair is 100% on her.

Do not allow it. Walk out first or you could get more damage than help.

Less than 50% chance you’ll get a good one. That goes for IC too.

I do know that, I also know you have to get a good counselor. I dealt with that with work, so one thing I am familiar with.

I told her if the counseling doesn't deal with the infidelity, I'm walking. So she knows and agreed to that

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 9:37 PM, May 8th (Friday)]

Man, just happened to read my original post in this thread, can't believe how naïve and stupid I was just a month ago

Still stupid just not as naïve now.

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 10:21 PM, May 8th (Friday)]

Recommend you don’t let the MC bully you into telling her she can stay at work.

Truth is that you don’t want her to blame you for having to quit, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep working on the relationship and rebuilding with her while she is still in contact with the AP in ANY fashion.

I’m sorry. I couldn’t do what you are doing. But I know it’s hard to draw lines in the sand if they have a chance of ending your relationship. If my cheating wife were still working with the person she cheated with, I would not be starting any R steps until she had a new job. She doesn’t have to quit, but that doesn’t mean you have to pretend not to be hurt by it.

Maybe you’re not giving the whole picture, but I just don’t feel any remorse from her for the pain you must be feeling. I can’t latch on anything that shows that she cares for anyone but herself.

I hope that changes because I know you care about her.

I hope the MC is able to create the environment you are looking for and your wife responds to it.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:43 AM, May 9th (Saturday)]

Recommend you don’t let the MC bully you into telling her she can stay at work.

"Funny" story...

In my infidelity situation with my now exWW, the literal week after DDay, she moved out of her office (where AP was) to a totally different branch/location. They worked in the same parent organization, but that organization had many different branches with different missions, and they were in different branches that had no reason to be in communication with each other, ever. No joint meetings, emails, cocktail parties, etc. Changing offices would have effectively been changing jobs, so to speak. And it would have affected WW 0%; literally no consequence for moving offices at all. She had confided in her boss and made the move quietly.

The literal first day with our MC (who also operated as our IC): WW told the MC she had changed offices, and MC immediately said "Don't do that; really not a good idea to make such a big move at a time like this."

Now "empowered" by a "professional," WW quietly, against my wishes, moved right back into her old office. Wanna guess what happened to no contact?

That MC also did several other things over the next weeks/months that were completely ass-backwards in terms of helping me get out of infidelity (though MC certainly did influence the D process, as I now had no other choice). Other things MC said/did *with my wife in the room*:

-- "Okokok, it's not really about AP. It's about the underlying issues in your marriage."

-- "Okokok, it's almost as if you think WW had a full-blown sexual affair?" (FYI: she did, but was lying to me and MC)

-- "Look at your wife. Apologize to her. Tell her you're sorry." (For yelling and being "mean" in the wake of DDay, including calling her a "piece of shit" and looking at her phone) (FYI, I gave the apology. Thanks, "professional" MC!)

~

So yeah, just be careful. Any whiff of *any* minimizing, shifting the blame to you, or jumping into the "underlying issues" of the M without dealing with the A, you need to get the hell out of there.

Any "achilles1101 acted like X, so WW had an affair," and get the hell out.

I truly don't believe that MC is a good place to try to figure out if R or D is the path for you. You both really need to be committed to R with very clear, jointly-held goals, for MC to be a great option.

~

You'll know after your session whether it was worthwhile or not. Good luck!

Achilles,

I am glad that your wife has told her family about her affair. I think she is starting to 'own' what she has done, and to make it more real - in her mind - by telling her loved ones.

It can take time for a wayward spouse to start seeing their affair for what it really was. Your wife is on that journey now, and confession is a major stage on it.

Many waywards never pass through that stage, for various reasons, but I see it is crucial for a wayward's evolution and development into someone who understands what they did, and who is less likely to ever cheat again because of that insight.

I think my wife telling her family was huge, not sure why she did it but it really seemed to make things real for her. No more denial about what happened. Her mom told her that her perfect child was perfect no more. Strange but her mom seems to have a bigger impact on her than I did, I guess the hiding and lies are hopefully over.

First day of joint counseling today. I made it clear we were there to address infidelity, I was able to keep that the focus and it seemed to go well, no focus on the marriage or what effect the marriage issues had on infidelity.

She also wrote out a NC letter on her own based on what she has researched so that was welcomed,

Okokok,

My wife's work situation is similar. The problem is there has to be a job available in another department.

Okokok,

My wife's work situation is similar. The problem is there has to be a job available in another department.

I have no doubt there is a spectrum of what BS's can tolerate in regard to WS remaining at the same workplace with AP, and you can handle what you can handle. In the end, you have to do/accept what's right for you.

The overarching concern is that NC (or whatever level of appropriate contact is agreed-upon between you and WW) will be broken behind your back at some point in time. So no matter how much you can tolerate your WW at work for now, what's really important is that you stay vigilant and aware about that. Hopefully there are clear ground rules, procedures, and contingency plans you can work out with WW ("If AP does/says X, you do/say Y", etc.) while you wait for a new job opportunity and/or to figure out if R or D will be your path.

Mostly I'm just hoping you'll stay very aware of NC vulnerability so you don't get blindsided down the road.

I think i said this before, but even if she’s perfect at work, only has professional interactions with him in person, on the phone or via electronics, and still tells you every time she does and what was communicated, you and she both will still be thinking of the affair every time she has that social interaction and has to report it to you.

And that severely hinders the ability to heal.

While getting out of the work relationship is no guarantee of NC, NOT getting out guarantees that there will be NO NC.

Achilles

I just read your thread, only your comments, and while I do not believe I could ever R with your wife, that is not for me to even recommend you what to do. That one is for you.

What I am going to say is not relevant if you decide to divorce her, but if you R maybe I might my post may add some value. It is understandable to me that given the fact that in retirement health care costs are often the financial “killer”, it may not be wise to force her out of that job and then find yourself unable to pay your bills due to illness. Especially until when and if the economy recovers..

Your situation is even more precarious because apparently the OM is not in any danger of losing his family over the A or the lying after Dday. That makes him a mortal threat to any R with a WW still in contact and hardly what I would call remorseful. It amazes me that in the length of your thread ( remember I did not read all the posts to you just your responses) that it seems no one suggested or you ignored demanding polygraph test or multiple tests if she is going to continue to work with him. As was correctly stated, workplace affairs are the hardest to uncover and hardest to stop, especially if the OM is not scared shitless about you being in contact with his wife. I honestly do not see how you get past knowing every work day she goes to that office this may restart again since it supposedly all happened at work.

Not a perfect solution, but better than your guts being taken out because you are helpless at finding out anything. And the cost is a hell of a lot less than reducing or losing your healthcare benefits. And her reaction and willingness to do it will also tell you something. I wouldn't bet the ranch she would even agree,

You may have the mental fortitude to “trust” her at work. I could not in your situation. The polygraph will not only tell you if they have done anything but also if she is using any game or apps sites you are not aware of. Regardless of you intend to do it, you might want to make the demand to see the reaction.

Whatever you do you are in for a very difficult road ahead. I hope it works out for you.

I get that not quitting her job means that contact is still possible and likely. Can I deal with this, no and we have talked about how even work contact stresses me out. We have talked about telling me about any contact and how to respond to it. The goal is to remove herself from the temptation. However, considering what is going on and the fact that me and the kids need health care, a practical decision needs to be made.

She needs to continue looking for a job that can provide health care and try and safe guard our relationship in the mean time,

Funny thing, When I continued to question things, she suggested taking a polygraph and actually found some places that offer it.

Question for everyone, what about software that recovers text and pictures from her phone? Is that worth doing?

I guess she is either the biggest bluffer in the world or is starting to realize what she has done

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 5:23 PM, May 10th (Sunday)]

“Funny thing, When I continued to question things, she suggested taking a polygraph and actually found some places that offer it.”

Ain’t funny at all, and if you want to find out if she’s bluffing and you have the names of the places without telling her interview them for cost and experience in infidelity. If she didn’t provide you the names, if she found them so can you. Don’t tell her jack shit until you’re set on one place and the questions won’t be hard to formulate.

You’ll find out a lot more when some nice evening you tell her that tomorrow morning she’s taking a polygraph.

You can do phone recovery or anything else you want to that will be a lot more hit or miss than a qualified examiner.

You are as you know in a very difficult situation to monitor. So why try when you have an alternative

One thing you can count on. This OM has no reason not to go “fishing” for more sex from her. His wife is tolerating it, they’re both still in the location where the quickies took place , no one knows about it at work , and this younger guy will no doubt arrive at some point wanting some sex from her since he probably knows she’s got you on hold

Use the tools available to you man . She’s been fooling you for a long time